I have a TBM inlaw who returned to activity in the mormon church a few years ago after a lifetime away. His companion died unexpectedly, and he returned to live with family. He never expressed disbelief in all that time, but currently struggles to reconcile his sexuality with church doctrine.

Because he still has same-gender-attraction (his words), he feels like he is broken. He gets angry and does not understand why he, "is the way he is." It is not clear to me if he is angry at the mormon church or at himself. It seems like both.

He has received a lot of loving support from ward and stake leaders. When he returned, he spent the better part of a year repenting and working to remove restrictions from his membership. I remember him being downright depressed as he read the so-called miracle of forgiveness. That book is abusive.

Whenever we are around stake leaders, they always approach him and with a big smile and a hug. They are so proud of him.

In my experience with the church, I have seen frequent, contradicting messages. The church has said that homosexuality is a sin. It has said that it is a choice. It has said that it does not know why people have same gender attraction.To me, that term sends mixed messages, too. It tries to create a kind, loving way of saying, "something is wrong with you." Even the recent controversy with the so-called BYU honor code sends mixed messages. The mormons say that being gay is not a sin, but that you just cannot act on your feelings.

So my TBM inlaw is left in the middle. He believes in the church. He knows how he feels. He cannot reconcile the two views.

Recently he mentioned that he has stopped taking a number of life-saving medications. He is getting older now, and takes all the same medicines that people take to thin their blood, lower their blood sugar, and reduce cholesterol. He said that he can no longer afford the medicine, and that he doesn't really want to live much longer anyway.

He is serious. He is not suicidal, but he is allowing nature to take its course. He said if he died today, that would just be all right.

He also mentioned that he no longer knows who his is any more. He cannot be a gay man and happily be a member of the mormon church. He cannot stop being a member of the mormon church and live happily into the future. So he has decided to just stop being.

It breaks my heart. He is one of the nicest people who I know.

Good job mormon church. You have destroyed the identity and drained the life out of another good person.



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2020 05:45PM by Lowpriest.

So sorry to read this Lowpriest. Sorry for him, you, and other lives destroyed by the cult.

that sound accepting, it is all a lie. He should not have had to repent of ANYTHING. He is looking for hope and they have none to offer. They stole hope from me when I came face to face with gay issues having a boyfriend/future husband who is gay.

I accept 100% that my "husband" is gay and that is who he is period. If he were to change to straight, he would no longer be him. Something unique would have disappeared.

The miracle of forgiveness is abusive. I never read it until I ran into this issue. I almost had the gay chapter memorized. I always say that I beat on that door until I was bleeding and I beat that door down. It was the most freeing thing I've ever felt, leaving mormonism, accepting my "husband" as gay. We are all free. It is interesting that it was my TBM daughter, who wasn't TBM at the time, who started telling her friends (when we were inactive) that her dad is gay. She gave us "permission" in a way and it was so FREEING.

It took a long time and a lot of work. If he is not taking his meds so he can die, he hasn't found hope in mormonism. It sounds like he is crossing off a list so that he can cover the bases JUST IN CASE.

I'm so sorry he finds himself in this position. The "love" they are showing him is fake. If he decided to go back to living as a gay man, they'd be hateful.

"If he were to change to straight, he would no longer be him. Something unique would have disappeared."

Wow, cl2, that could be a stand-alone thread. So very true.

who was Native American (I don't know what is politically correct these days) and gay. He said the church taught him to hate 2 parts of himself. That hit me SO HARD.

My husband is a very unique person. Of course, he is far from perfect, but I would NEVER EVER want to lose the person he is. I had never thought of it that way. Gay is a whole lot more than the sex. The leaders are just obsessed by sex. I think they are envious of the sex gays can have and never get a woman pregnant and that gays usually do have a lot more sex than mormon men or always do! I saw that in the leaders when I dealt with them. They never consider that gay is WHO THEY ARE in every way. It influences everything in their lives.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/09/2020 11:15AM by cl2.

“That book is abusive.”

A self-loathing screed written by an obviously closeted gay.

Your in-law isn’t the one with the problem. He’s just someone to cast stones at. If it wasn’t him, it would be someone else.

The church leadership is a wicked and perverse generation.

babyloncansuckit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> “That book is abusive.”
>
> A self-loathing screed written by an obviously
> closeted gay.
>
> Your in-law isn’t the one with the problem.
> He’s just someone to cast stones at. If it
> wasn’t him, it would be someone else.
>
> The church leadership is a wicked and perverse
> generation.

Well spoken

I have seen the beginning of this situation and now I am fascinated by this end. And saddened.

When I was at BYU in the early seventies, I never took a poll but there were tons of gay guys, mostly RMs. Most all still had testimonies. Most were reading Miracle of Forgiveness. All were tormented.

Three different paths were taken.

1.Many tried to ignore their true feelings and got married in the temple. Most were cheating within weeks as the truth is, the sex drive in gay men, especially at that age, combined with the need for love is stronger than about anything else on the planet.

2. Many did not marry but still had the testimony. Couldn't help following their hearts desires but remained conflicted. Your friend fell in love and lived his life because the love was the strongest. With that gone, the indoctrination surfaced because he never did his due diligence in looking at the Mormon church critically. The indoctrination/testimony was there lurking all the time, coloring everything. Sad.

3. I knew about three of us who actually figured out the Mormon church was a lie, were thrilled and relieved to know this, and went on to the best lives we could as we attempted to rid ourselves of all the deeply engrained indoctrination and make up for lost time, and in my case atrophied personality.

-------------

Many of us headed to the big cities. Couldn't get away from the Mormon Mecca fast enough. I ended up in L.A. When I met my long time companion, he happened to have a lot of friends who were psychiatrists. They all told him to run, don't walk, from me as they had a lot of really screwed up Mormon patients who couldn't get it out of their systems and always went back to the church sooner or later or were so wracked with guilt that they weren't worth the effort.

We are still together after all these decades but my worse half still believes I might go back. Ha Ha and Ha. I have tried to make him understand that I do not fall into the category of those who still believe, but he isn't so sure. His psych friends really got in his head. For this reason he loathes that I come to RFM and that I wrote my book as he sees those as life lines holding me in rather than healing and helping others.

This is why am angered by some of the exmos who claim it really isn't a cult. Mormon indoctrination is pernicious and it goes deep and even when you know its a lie, it has its claws in a bit.

It is our history and part of our make up. We have taken it out of its drawer, assessed it, looked at it, and finally put it back in a different drawer where it is to remain-- declawed. Your friend has not done this. He loved his partner but in the end cannot love himself. He has realigned himself with the enemy.

He is in that horrid cycle---Two Against One---The church and you against you.

I hate that damn church and the leaders disgust me. CULT.

thinks I'll go back as he knew me in my 20s. He said he didn't tell his mother and sister my temple name is Lucy because he thought I might go back. His sister named her dog Lucy. I've thought of that, but I always end up with male dogs.

I come here because mormonism fucked me up so bad. I just wrote a long message on fb to my boyfriend yesterday telling him how fucked up I know I am. Oh, I'm sure it is a cult. No doubt. I was indoctrinated. I went inactive because, as I've stated, the bishop said my husband would be one of the next 2 bishops. I chuckle at that as I just talked to my husband about this the other day and he said he thinks the bishop called me in to talk to me about that as he saw I wasn't coming to church that often and I NEVER went to bishopric temple night, so he wanted to talk to me to get me to become more active to be in line with how a bishop's wife lives. It did the opposite.

But it took me YEARS of being inactive for the indoctrination to die. I had to step away from it. And even when I knew I didn't believe anymore, it still was there.

I KNOW I won't go running back. I KNOW I won't return to the flock when I'm close to dying. They tried to destroy me. They failed.

I'm so very happy that you found a partner and have lived the life you have. It is so nice to see that someone did and it gives me hope. I wish my husband could have had that.

Maybe your partner should come here and read. He might be surprised. I do believe it is this board (and my therapist) that keeps me from losing my mind--whatever is left of it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/09/2020 11:09AM by cl2.

I think my In law feels like the church is all he has left. I don't think that he has ever questioned it and it has become the default choice.

The church tries to remove all other options. It isolates you while placing you in a sea of people. My inlaw is as alone as you can be while being reminded that he is never good enough. What a head game.

What OP's friend needs is friendship not judgment. I have to advocate that being single shouldn't be that loathsome for people. Do all these young virile RMs really long for 'male' love? (As suggested above) Or is it companionship they really long for, because the world is full of many things and many places, friendships can be found anywhere. There's no reason to be lonely.

In Corrinthians 7 Paul advocates that it's better to be single than married. and for some reason Mormons completely disregard this teaching. I think Christians and especially mormons should stop demanding everyone to fit in the same box. Singlehood shouldn't be feared like it is.