Since I was raised in Joe's Repressive Clown Circus of Shame and Sexual Misinformation, I had some messed up ideas about sex.

My parents rarely gave the kind of love and approval that made me feel worthwhile. The church NEVER gave that approval, only judgment and criticism.

So I craved having anyone like me. Especially the girls/women my hormones drew me to. Their willingness or even desire to get physical with me made me feel great. She likes me! She thinks I'm okay! I'm not a loser!

It took years (decades?) to get over that neediness.

I know I'm not alone in this.

Darnit olderelder.

I was looking for some validation, no strings attached.

All I got was recognition the mormon church creates co-dependency and is a worthwhile opinion that is shared by many on this board.

You certainly nailed the description of the so-called church, "Joe's Repressive Clown Circus of Shame and Sexual Misinformation."

You are not alone. After figuring things out about the history, doctrine and culture of TSCC, so many of us didn't realize that we still dealt with the internalized fukkedup messages we'd received about sex for our entire lives. So when you are past believing that heavenly beings are spying on and recording your sex life, you still may be seeking validation of your worth through who wants to have sex with you.

I mean, as girls, our goal was to find the coolest, handsomest guy, the guy with money or from a family with money, the outgoing one with future bishop potential, who could marry us in the temple and be our sole sex partner for life. And if we, god forbid, were approaching 21 and no top-tier prospects were on the horizon, we may have settled for way less appealing guys who made us feel like we were lucky that anyone would want to be our partners, even if they themselves were guys who would be totally unappealing to normal girls outside the cult. But they were temple-worthy penishood holders and that meant we should know how lucky we were to have them and we needed to submit to their every whim.

So when you're on the other side of cult life, have more going for you, and really good looking, successful men come on to you, your mind jumps back to cult-sex mode. Your self-esteem goes through the roof thinking "someone like that wants ME." You can easily overlook their flaws, your incompatibility, all the red flags, the fact that you're totally being used. Because it's validation. You're still thinking that's what gives you validation as a person. And it's not. Usually couldn't be farther from the truth. And yes, it can take years before you look at someone like that and say, "Ummm, I don't THINK so, you're not different than a mormon man without the mormon part, but I'm different."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/06/2020 12:54PM by NormaRae.

Oh, NormaRae, have you been reading my diary? I'm in my 50s and still deal with this, just like you said.

If your sexual capability achieves a Cpk of > 1.33 with a sexual sample size of 30 times minimum, you're doing it right and are ready to proceed to validation!

If your performance capability for 10 samples achieves a Ppk of 1.33 and a Pp of 1.33 you can have 95% confidence and 99% reliability in your sex life.

Just because you understand stuff and know the jargon, why should we listen to you?

My heavens, you probably believe masks and social distancing help against the pandemic.

LOL. Just LOL.

Your mask is slipping!

And I really only know enough to do my job, which is rather convenient actually :)

Not much else to say...

I should have been satisfied with self-validation...

I thought it said "sex as 'vacation'".

Back to the vacation.

Yes I agree the Mormon Church totally messes men and women up with sex.

While going along with protecting teenagers from jumping into sex while they are maturing as adults, all mormons are unilaterally forced into agreeing to the rest of the crazy contraption which is being infantilized the rest of their lives. Heck you can't even have sex in your own marriage without them coming out with guidelines. Thank you SWK.

This culture literally teaches men to treat women like objects with its black and white thinking. Women with any sex drive are considered sluts or trying to entice men away with their shoulders. They can't express any of their desires. Your body is a temple but you must get a recommend to get to use it. Brilliant form of mind control!

I was a convert at 19 to Church Inc. My parents were atheist/agnostic. I was not raised in an affectionate home and hugs were doled out on very rare occasions. I can remember being a clinger and adored some of our family friends that were affectionate when they visited our family. You would think my parents got a clue that I enjoyed hugs and craved them.

My mother put the fear of sex in my head and told me "pee-pees bite" and gave me a book on menstruation and the very basics of how babies are made, but not the act of sex.

My first boyfriend had a healthier upbringing. His mother was a nurse and gave him a very detailed book. While he was not my first, I snuck that book home and poured over the valuable info. My boyfriend was loving and affectionate and never pushed me for more. I wish I had the confidence I do NOW and had my first experiences with him. I was just too fearful of the consequences.

When I became Mormon, I got it into my head that God helped preserve my purity for the right man. I saved ALL affection with the intention that it would ONLY be with my future husband. I met a Mormon man who was very affectionate, He proposed and I accepted. He was not a virgin and I thought nothing of it. I told him I still was and he was thrilled, but felt like he should teach me a few things....before we were married.

We engaged in almost everything other than sexual intercourse. I was thrilled I had a partner I could express sexual love with, but I was deeply ashamed because I was about to go for my first Temple interview. My finance asked me to lie or else we would have to have a civil ceremony instead. I was convinced the lie would be seen clearly by the PH and we would be denied Temple reccomends. We were granted the recommends. I tried to speak to my fiance about how I felt...confused, unworthy, ashamed of the lies. He made it clear that God approved/forgave us to move forward.

A few years later, I brought up the past one more time and my then-husband changed his tune. He stated that he was now ashamed of the past and how I tempted him and encouraged him to break his vow of chastity prior to marriage. I was floored. He did not want to confess it to the Bishopric(I suggested that we come clean) but he did want to blame me for the whole of it.

Sex in our marriage had one priority-HIM. His needs. His wants. I started taking some initiave and was labeled a nympho. After two kids he made statements that he didnt wish to have any more sex unless it was for procreation. That tune changed when there were "needs". The marriage became abusive and I no longer initiated and evaded sex. We went to counseling and he spoke about how he wasnt attracted to me anymore after kids, but how I was cold and didnt "put out" anymore. Everything was a Catch 22 situation.

When I became SINGLE (Shocker eh?) I did date again and the first time I was with someone I cried and felt ashamed again.

I got personal therapy and covered many issues, but sex and affection was clearly something I struggled with all my life for validation. I ended up dating someone where we had an AMAZING sexual relationship, but with my new found SELF LOVE, did not continue because it was a bad relationship. (The Irony!)

Now that I am older, I finally have come to terms that my future companion needs to be someone who is affectionate in a healthy way that doesnt always trigger the "lets have sex" button in either of us. BUT, I also want to make sure we have a healthy sex life.

The last person I dated (but never had sex with) was confused that I had a healthy attitude with sex, but wanted a relationship. He was all about casual sex and then see where it leads us....I sent him packing without anger or tears. I told him that is what he wanted and wished him well.

I will do what is right for MY wellbeing.

RMM