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Posted by: hujo2 ( )
Date: July 27, 2020 06:51PM

Guys, what are your favorite mormon jokes? (These are supposed to be derogatory to mormons)

Mine are:

1. Two Utah mountain lions were hunting together, one was skinny and the other was fat. They both ate the same amount of people. The fat mountain lion decided to help out the skinny one get more nutrition. They found a hiker, and the skinny one jumped out and scared the hiking mormon, and then ate him. The fat mountain lion said "I see what you're doing wrong, you scared the sh*t out of him. When you scare the sh*t out of a mormon, there's not much left."

2. I'll say this to a girl at the next dance "Hey girl, are you an answered prayer? Because you're one in a million."

Lmk what other funny anti mormon jokes you guys have.

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Posted by: mikemitchell ( )
Date: July 27, 2020 07:31PM

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: July 27, 2020 07:58PM

Q: Why don't mormons have hemorrhoids ?


A: They're all perfect assholes.

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Posted by: rosysam ( )
Date: July 31, 2020 12:19AM

Dave,

My work has been a shit show this week and that joke made it all better. I can't wait to share this at work! Thank you.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: July 27, 2020 08:21PM

What do get when you cross a devout Mormon with a devout kleptomaniac?




A basement full of stolen food.

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Posted by: ookami ( )
Date: July 27, 2020 08:31PM

Why do you take two Mormons fishing? Because if you take one, he'll drink all your beer.

A man dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter is giving him a guided tour, showing off the pools and the open bars. When they come to a closed door, St. Peter gets quiet and starts to tiptoe. The man asks, "What's behind that door?" St. Peter relies, "That's the room with the Mormons. They think they're the only ones here."

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Posted by: ufotofu ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 12:05AM

Are these MORMONI or Anti-Lefi-Kneehigh-Mormonic jokes?

Knock Knock!!
Who's There?
More.
More Who?
More Men with nothing to share and nothing to learn

I don't know any jokes. I'll just read and laugh. Sorry. Thanks.

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Posted by: smirkorama ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 03:42AM


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Posted by: Roy G Biv ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 10:55AM

Three couples die and go to heaven. St. Peter say's to the first couple....sir,you were a banker on earth and only loved money, you even married a woman named Penny....you may not enter.

Then he says to the second couple, you sir were a drunkard on earth, you even married a woman named Brandy, you may not enter.

The third couple was mormon and the man turns to his wife and say's....come on Fanny lets go, we'll never get in.

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Posted by: elderyoung ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 11:13AM

I don't get that. Can u please explain? lol

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Posted by: faraday ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 10:28AM

elderyoung Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I don't get that. Can u please explain? lol

"Fanny is used in the U.K, Australia and N.Z as a slang for pussy. " Here in the UK ot too a long time to get used to how Americans throw around the word "fanny" here it's pretty damn rude

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Posted by: bradley ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 01:47PM

What’s the difference between cookie and fanny?

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Posted by: tumwater ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 03:16PM

faraday Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> elderyoung Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > I don't get that. Can u please explain? lol
>
> "Fanny is used in the U.K, Australia and N.Z as a
> slang for pussy. " Here in the UK ot too a long
> time to get used to how Americans throw around the
> word "fanny" here it's pretty damn rude


I retired from forest fire duty 2 years ago, but when the US has a terrible fire season, many times we get help from Australia and New Zealand. In our winter we sometimes help them out with their fires, like last year.

Anyway there are fire terms we use that cause the Aussies a little confusion, one was the term "snag", like snag the road between this point to that.

To us it means, cut the snags or danger trees along the road.

Snag to the Aussie is a sausage or hot dog. I had one Aussie in gest ask if he had to toss out sausages along the road, or was there going to be a bar-bee later along the road.

The Aussies are the finest bunch you can ever associate with, all are extremely friendly, have a great sense of humor, never saw one having a bad mood.

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Posted by: Shinehah ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 12:08PM

Russell Nelson, a Catholic priest and a thirteen year old boy are flying in an airplane when the pilot comes out of the cockpit with a parachute on and says, "Both engines have quit and we're losing altitude and will crash!". The pilot then opens the side door of the plane and bails out.
The priest quickly looks around and exclaims, "There are only two parachutes!". Nelson grabs one and says, "Millions of people depend on me to guide them in these Latter Days". Nelson then bails out.
The priest looks at the young boy and says," You have your whole life ahead of you, take the other parachute".
The thirteen year old says, "We still have two parachutes Father, that old guy jumped with my book backpack".

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Posted by: ziller ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 02:24PM

enter this thred to post this joke ~



leaving thred satisfied ~


thx shinehah ~

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Posted by: SoCal Apostate ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 03:26PM

Why do so many Mormon women stop having kids at 34? Because 35 are just too many.

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Posted by: NormaRae ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 07:58PM

How can you tell a Mormon wedding?

It's the one where the Bride's not pregnant, but her mother is.

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Posted by: cl2notloggedin ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 03:01PM


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Posted by: spwdone ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 06:40PM

OMG - thanks, I needed those!

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Posted by: Thumper ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 09:08PM

Q—What did the bishop’s daughter say when she lost her virginity?



A—Get off me dad, you’re smashin’ my smokes!

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Posted by: csuprovograd ( )
Date: July 28, 2020 09:24PM

A man eating tiger got loose on the BYU campus!
Unfortunately, it starved to death...

A guy in Orem bought a garbage truck...thought it was a Winnebago loaded with a years supply...

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Posted by: australianmanxyz234 ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 12:40AM

jesus catches the fish first and cleans them
Mormons cleans the fish first and the devil catches them

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Posted by: Now a Gentile ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 08:59AM

How do you tell the difference between a good mormon and a bad mormon?

By the temperature of their caffeine.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 10:11AM

I am a Returned Missionary!

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 10:38AM

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

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Posted by: fossilman ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 01:09PM

Q - Why are crows black?





A - They wouldn't eat crickets in the pre-existance.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 01:53PM

...And the seagulls did!

A lesson to be learned!!!!

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Posted by: Shinehah ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 01:25PM

A young married couple goes in to see the Bishop. "Bishop we've been married for three months and we aren't doing our part to multiply and replenish. We get in bed together and we are both so nervous we can't even touch each other." The bishop advised the couple to just relax and give things a little more time.
A few weeks later the couple is back in the bishops office all smiles. "Everything is wonderful! We were sitting at dinner one evening and both reached for the salt at the same time. When our hands touched it was like an electric shock. Right there on the table we truly became husband and wife."
"Only one problem. We've been banned for life from ChuckaRama buffets."

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Posted by: doyle18 ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 02:55PM

The version of that I heard was they were told to leave the bishop's office, and the husband says, "That's what the guy at the paint store said."

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Posted by: hujo2 ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 04:37PM

Lmao what if you twisted it so that they ended up doing it at the bishops office?

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Posted by: Shinehah ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 05:19PM

That might be a fun way to get banned for life from the bishops office.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 06:39PM

Never underestimate the power of voyeurism. :)

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Posted by: mankosuki ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 08:55PM

The priest, in his semi-annual interview with the Bishop was told he needed to quite masturbating. He asked why? The bishop replied, "because your in my office!"

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Posted by: NotLoggedin ( )
Date: July 29, 2020 11:38PM

A BYU coed is diving back to her dorm one night when a man with a gun jumps into her car and says "I just escaped from prison and you're going to drive me to Vegas!".

As she is driving she asks why he was in prison.

"They said I killed my wife."

" Oh? So you're single?"

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Posted by: BeenThereDunnThatExMo ( )
Date: July 30, 2020 08:03PM

How can you tell that the FP & Q-12 are lying?

Their lips are moving!

Or so it seems to me...

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Posted by: ApostNate ( )
Date: August 02, 2020 02:33AM

What do the Mormon girls do when the alcohol arrives to the party?

Put on their shirts and pants and go home.

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Posted by: rocketscientist ( )
Date: August 02, 2020 07:15AM

How many U of U students does it take to change a tire?

Two, one to get a six pack and one to call daddy.

How many BYU students does it take to change a tire?

Just one, but he gets 3 credits for it.

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Posted by: Gordon B. Stinky ( )
Date: August 02, 2020 11:47AM

The bishop’s wife insists on singing at a church function, and is rehearsing with her accompanist who says: "OK. So, we'll start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."

The bishop’s wife says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."

The pianist says: "Should be no problem. It's what you did last time."

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: August 03, 2020 04:03PM

That's funny.

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Posted by: Razortooth ( )
Date: August 02, 2020 12:19PM

The Book of Mormon.

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Posted by: ontheDownLow ( )
Date: August 02, 2020 01:56PM

This joke is dedicated to those who have driven I-80 in Wyoming in the dead of winter or the actual mo-pioneers...

Why is Wyoming so windy?


Because Utah Sucks!

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Posted by: Lurker 1 ( )
Date: August 03, 2020 03:58PM

Shouldn't that be "Because Nebraska blows and Utah sucks"?

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Posted by: NotLoggedinBCUBD ( )
Date: August 05, 2020 10:17PM

How many Mormons are needed to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to insist that nothing has changed.

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Posted by: SL Cabbie ( )
Date: August 05, 2020 11:34PM

Do Mormon wards change bishops every five years?

A: So all the kids in the ward won't look alike.

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