Long story short. My sisters adult kids moved out. My uneducated sister and well-educated BIL moved to a new house in a posh area. They started to look for new roles after the family system-collapsed.
Over time, my housewife-sibling started to make childish demands on me and other people, telling me that I have to start "work" on the relationship. Personally I think this is a strange role reversal because she is bitter on her new predicament and her kids for "leaving" their roles.

When I sensed that the work on the relationship would become an endless task I also started to change the dynamics. I refused to play along. Everybody involved were grown ups and it was not pleasant to be treated like a child. It was becoming crazy-making.

If I was part of a family system that arrangement soon collapsed because what developed was paradoxial communications. Nothing made any sense.
I read somewhere that family systems are kept together through negative feedback. Input that change the system is forbidden and nullified. What we ended up with was that I started to put in positive feedback and my sibling and BIL reacted with negative feedback and so it went.. System gone. Indifference became the new value except that everybody involved says that it is the other one that "abandoned" the relationship.

So, if I just started to worked on the relationship things would turn out great again.. Yeah right..

So, here I am, an adult. Living my own life at a another place in another social context. Lost my relationship with my sister and BIL because their kids moved out and they started to make demands I could not fulfill.

How in the world do I understand this? I am OK that they want to move up the social ladder. They could just say goodbye and get new friends. But I think it is low to put me in a situation that forces me to cut contact. It is manipulative because I sense that they do not want to be seen as the ones abandoning people. I am not the only one. I sense that my BIL struggle with his own family. Especially his father.

What bothers me is this new indifference. Why do people not see the value in goodbyes anymore?

How can I understand my sibling in a respectful way? How do a housewife that have not had a steady job since the early 1990s think?

I guess this is how life is.

First, it's perfectly okay to be a housewife, or a househusband for that matter. It's between the couple in question, and for some couples it works better to have someone at home who can handle much of the cooking, cleaning, appointments, errands, etc. It sounds like money is not an issue for your sister or her husband.

What does your sister mean by putting "work" into your relationship with her? What kinds of demands are the both of them putting on you?

My relationship with my brother and sister-in-law is very strait forward. I see them at regular intervals where we normally share meals together. We have normal family conversations, both in person and over the phone. The topics include work, activities, family members, politics, movies and TV shows, etc. -- normal conversational things. There really is no "work" involved. It's easy. We enjoy spending time with one another.

Families can be more trouble than they're worth.

I think you are overthinking it.

"Family" (meaning birth family) is overrated. Your family unit exists only by random chance. Hell, we all exist by random chance; if a different sperm from your father had won the race to fertilize your mother's egg, "you" would be someone else entirely – different appearance, personality, abilities, experience, etc.

If your birth family is proving detrimental to your mental health and well-being, there's nothing wrong with cutting the cord. If you don't look out for yourself, who will? Certainly not the ones dragging you down.

Just because you happened to grow up in the same household doesn't mean they own you or have an absolute claim on you.

I've noticed this problem before. The wife never got an education to be able to offer intelligent conversation to her educated husband and others. Her worth and world revolved around kids. Now they are gone, she is trying to be relevant. The best solution (IMO) is to suggest she go back to school so she can find some self accomplishment not related to kids. That is the WORK she is avoiding. If that doesn't work, I suggest she get a dog or something to pretend she is still taking care of kids.

Secondly, there is no reason you need to bother with whatever she thinks YOU need to be doing to include her. You have a life too and it is too short to worry about people who do not bring you joy.

There is no reason I would associate with either of my sisters if they were not related to me. I'm down to a yearly phone call and sometimes even that is too much. Friendship is earned, not deserved because of family ties.

Hi dagny.

What do you think of the possibility that the popular "narcissism" explanation is just a a mislaced label on a symptom of a present culture and economy that do not enable people to use their spare time to educate themselves on deeper matters?

Career = Less quality time (yes, ok, it is subjective what quality time is).

Less quality time = rationalisations, most bang for the buck aka my way or the highway

You have a point. I see what you mean.

Of course there are many cases of people accomplishing things that don't involve education too. There are selfless folks and people who make everything about themselves. Some people keep the things that fulfil them to themselves.

I think the only thing I am trying to say is that she seems to be looking for a way to prove she is important.

Good luck!

When people ask you to work on the relationship, they are really saying, "Hey, you got to do this my way if you want to be my friend (aider and abettor)."

I'm like, "Hey, this is me. Take it or leave it."

Your sibling should be attempting to understand YOU in a respectful way. You are already showing respect and don't let sibling convince you otherwise.

^^^ this ^^^

You have a right to set boundaries with both your sister and with your brother in law. Your boundaries should not be a cause for your relationship with them to end, unless they do not want to respect your boundaries and that would be their choice. It's okay to have separate day to day lives if that is how as adults, someone wants to set their boundries that way. But family relationships don't need to diminish because of that. Hopefully, if you or they hit a real crisis, the other would be there to support them. It's normal for families to have fights and then the fight goes on-hold when one of the family members ends up in the hospital and needs an advocate to help them cope and support the temporary emergency needs of the other. I don't know what 'working on the relationship' means. Ask your sister exactly what she wants or needs you to do. Either you are or are not willing to give her what she wants or needs. It's a simple yes/no question. Don't let her tie you up in anything more complicated than that. Just clarify what she wants and give her an honest yes or no, and then keep your commitments to any of the yesses. Expect her to do the same.

It looks like you may need to build your own family arrangement and life for yourself. You may want to find someone to get married to, or to have a long-term relationship with. Look for someone to love and be generous with them to the degree that the other person respects you and doesn't take advantage of you.

The best solution is to get a hobby that takes up a lot of your time. Other than being civil and polite to the sister what the hell else is she asking for? She has her life you have yours.

See you at some holiday or not and if they live close maybe stop by or just give a phone ring.

Not like you owe her anything.

All this is good advice.

I especially like what Azsteve said. We don't know your sister, or if she is older or younger than you, or if your parents are still alive, or who the other family members are, or what religion everybody is, so I would advise you to concentrate on setting your own boundaries. Sit down, and think in detail about what YOU want in your relationships. Do you have chilren? How is your sister's relationship with them and your wife, if you are married? YOU and your own kids matter, here.

I assume your parents are deceased. I got along with my family much better, once I set reasonable and firm boundaries. First, I had to understand that I have every right to set boundaries.

These boundaries changed over the years. One brother had been particularly abusive to me, and I did live away from home, working in the summers, working after school, leaving home to go to college. Sometimes, to keep your boundaries, you need to be the one who is inconvenienced, but it is worth it! My brother could not abuse me anymore. I went home to my parents for brief visits, but my brother was always there to torment me. I re-set my boundaries, when he began to be cruel to my children--NO TOLERANCE for that. I stopped bringing the children, and instead invited my parents to my home for visits. It was futile to try to make anyone change, or admit there was anything wrong with my brother, but I saved my children.

When my parents died, there was no one to put any restraints on my brothers, or on my sleazy nephew (all devout Mormons, BTW). They ended up stealing most of my share of Mom and Dad's estate. Even after I sued them and won. My brothers constantly accused me behind my back to my parents--of things I would never do--in order to try to persuade my parents to dis-inherit me. I was still a faithful Mormon at the time. This did work, and my parents bought them several houses, which my brothers kept borrowing on, and losing in foreclosures.

All three of my brothers "retired early" at ages 38-40, and lived off of my parents, along with their kids. Does not working, or laziness breed this type of personality?

Your sister needs to leave you alone. She needs to respect you. She needs to get a job, or do volunteer work.

If you have parents or other family members, you might feel better if you tell them what your boundaries are with your sister, and WHY, but tell them only once. I told my parents about my brothers, and they got mad at me, but when my brother tried to steal my house from under me--they listened--and my lawyer and ex-husband secured they house legally, for my children.

People like your sister like to have allies, and win others over onto their side. She not only wants to feel "important", but she wants to WIN, and that means making you LOSE. She is in competition with you, whether you are in the race, or not. Don't play her games, or stoop to her level. You might feel better if you try boundaries first, but often, the best outcome is "no contact." I haven't had contact with my criminal brothers for over 10 years. In that time, they have conned over 200,000 from our other brother, our sweet uncle, and our family business.

I will never fully understand how my brothers and nephew think.

Read online about psychopaths, sociopaths, Narcissists, and Cluster B personality types. What you learn will make you care a lot less about them.

Sorry for the rant. Just watch your back.