Posted by:
Cold-Dodger
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Date: March 03, 2021 02:16PM
I keep pondering on my experiences in the church, especially in the sexual development department, and wanting to share them with other people, because, I realized I’ve been looking for someone who could step into the role of confidant and authoritative judge that my bishop-dad used to be for me, and then have them gaze upon my soul knowing everything about me that my bishop-dad does and then without compulsion or tutoring undo the damage that he did by telling me that I’m ok and that I’m a good person.
You mean this whole time it was my baby brother??? The gay son of the family? I spent years in an introverted hell, stuck in my own headspace fighting off the guilt and shame and self-tormenting thoughts, needing my dad to be someone he could not be because he’s too church broken to just say that masturbation is common and is just ok, and salvation was down the hallway in a brother that also thought he was alone and whose isolation resembled mine nearly perfectly in many ways.
Chief did something for my endless searching yesterday, and I didn’t have the words to describe what it was I wanted until now. I just wanted someone who knew me since I was a kid to see my soul that I hid for so many years from nearly everyone and tell me that it’s ok to show people my soul because it’s a beautiful soul. And he wants the same thing. I would bathe his feet in my tears if he asked me to, but he just wants to show me his nails and his tattoos and talk about his gay sex life. So I can do that. I love him, and I love him even more.
Today, I’m light as feather, and I’m not trying to think about how I’ll get my family to listen to my antiMormon tirades today. I don’t need to. I’m at peace. I think I can start to come out of my shell and stop being so defensive, because I’m not afraid of what people think about me today. I know what Chief thinks of me, and it makes everyone else’s opinions irrelevant if they’re negative.
THIS is what people mean when they say they want to live their authentic lives. It’s this feeling that I have right now that hasn’t left me since yesterday.
https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/lx1gmh/my_baby_gay_brother_is_a_blessing_from_heaven/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmfEdited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/03/2021 02:19PM by Cold-Dodger.