I keep pondering on my experiences in the church, especially in the sexual development department, and wanting to share them with other people, because, I realized I’ve been looking for someone who could step into the role of confidant and authoritative judge that my bishop-dad used to be for me, and then have them gaze upon my soul knowing everything about me that my bishop-dad does and then without compulsion or tutoring undo the damage that he did by telling me that I’m ok and that I’m a good person.

You mean this whole time it was my baby brother??? The gay son of the family? I spent years in an introverted hell, stuck in my own headspace fighting off the guilt and shame and self-tormenting thoughts, needing my dad to be someone he could not be because he’s too church broken to just say that masturbation is common and is just ok, and salvation was down the hallway in a brother that also thought he was alone and whose isolation resembled mine nearly perfectly in many ways.

Chief did something for my endless searching yesterday, and I didn’t have the words to describe what it was I wanted until now. I just wanted someone who knew me since I was a kid to see my soul that I hid for so many years from nearly everyone and tell me that it’s ok to show people my soul because it’s a beautiful soul. And he wants the same thing. I would bathe his feet in my tears if he asked me to, but he just wants to show me his nails and his tattoos and talk about his gay sex life. So I can do that. I love him, and I love him even more.

Today, I’m light as feather, and I’m not trying to think about how I’ll get my family to listen to my antiMormon tirades today. I don’t need to. I’m at peace. I think I can start to come out of my shell and stop being so defensive, because I’m not afraid of what people think about me today. I know what Chief thinks of me, and it makes everyone else’s opinions irrelevant if they’re negative.

THIS is what people mean when they say they want to live their authentic lives. It’s this feeling that I have right now that hasn’t left me since yesterday.

https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/lx1gmh/my_baby_gay_brother_is_a_blessing_from_heaven/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/03/2021 02:19PM by Cold-Dodger.

What you wrote in what you linked is very touching. Beautiful. Never got the brother like you. Chief is lucky. You are lucky.

Your story reminds me why gay people write such good songs . . .


"All the time I thought there's only me
Crazy in a way that no one else could be
I would have given everything I own if someone would have said you're not alone

All the time I thought that I was wrong
Wanting to be me but needing to belong
If I had just believed in all I had
If someone would have said you're not so bad
All the time all the wasted time
All the years... waiting for a sign to think I had it all...
All the time... ----Barry Manilow

You helped Chief to a good place and now what you have done is repaying you. Very happy for you.

Gay people write such good songs because they’re just people, ones that are poorly understood and often abused, and because the best art is when a wounded human soul just bleeds directly into whatever medium they’re best at and captures their own perspective with any degree of accuracy for others to see.

Beautifully written.

My name is Asher Lev.

Gloria Steinem spoke about her family difficulties growing up, and how as an adult she has built a "chosen family" of friends and confidants.

Looks like you have your first "chosen family" member. That he is part of your birth family is a bonus.

Shalom.

I have a couple of friends who describe their families just that way. They are gay; one had a great and understanding family, the other grew up among conservative Christians with no tolerance for anything that wasn't straight and narrow. Together they have subsequently constructed a new social network.

Fortunately for the Salt household, we are part of their "chosen" family, which is a great blessing since they are far kinder and more "invested" in us than any of our Mormon relatives. I suspect a lot of ex-Mormons need to build such "chosen" relationships.

Saturday’s rainbow warrior?

Doesn't fit. Like gentle strains from darkened biases.

Oh CD, that's wonderful! What would it feel like to have someone who knew you when tell you that you have a beautiful soul, then and now? I wish I knew that feeling too!

Wonderful news! I am truly so happy for you!! :)