That darl day is approaching. Soon everyone in the family will have received their vaccine injection and the family can gather together again and be "merry". This year that passed by in isolation has been peaceful. I have exercised daily and thought about my worries and traumatic experiences. In recurring contact attempts from family members, I have tried to keep the personal boundaries intact. Has also been a bit provocative and shown integrity by not paying attention to holidays and dates in time that I know are important to members in the family system. In the past, I did everything out of DUTY because I thought I was a BAD BAD BAD BAD person who did not show up and let myself get treated like trash. Now it goes like a cold chilling feeling through my body when the dysfunctional family starts talking about whether or when we can meet again. I'm right now, really scared, everything will be exactly the same again with pompous overbearing berating mastery, psychotic outbursts that are gas lighted next minute and everybody sitting there pretending how GREAT everything is, endless emotional manipulation to get scapegoats angry and so on. Just the expression: how happy they are that we will soon meet again make me feel physically ill. It is just a lie. There are no good time, there are no relationship.

My heart rate goes up and I get angry even thinking about it. It is absurd when everyone else talks about their longing to meet again, it feels as if life is completely over.

family dynamics are complicated. For me I get defensive and uptight when my relatives want to 'fix' my situation. In the recent past there have been times when they don't acknowledge or are aware of any of my accomplishments but for some reason focus in on what's wrong with my life. They talk but don't listen.

Mormonism for whatever reason seems to go in that direction as well. If your not xyz... then the dialog is all about what's wrong with you, forget about having good finances, a livable job, a business, none of that matters.

Really agree with you. It's complicated. One thing I get annoyed at, probably because I take things literally, is the shameless hypocrisy. Many people who poke at one's life puzzle often complain themselves about others getting involved. They can do it a few minutes into a conversation. Sometimes I think some of my family members just talk this way to make people nuts. The logic in the family system often requires that you do the little extra to be justified in the eyes of others, but if you are well off then you are pushed further down the hierarchy. When I started to get some things to work in a more healthy manner I felt I had never been treated so bad before. It was like I had become a criminal in their eyes.

I feel for you. We have some of the same issues and my family is dysfunctional also. I had no peace until I totally distanced myself. I have no regrets about leaving them behind and never want to see any of them again. Many people find this difficult to do, but for me it was the only way to live a mentally healthy life.

I wish you the best. Good luck.

They have an unshakable idea how it all should be like. The strange thing is that they are so paradoxical. They say it's and such and such is good and the best but it's so bad everything when it comes down to fundamental facts how things really are going.

Cauda, if you do feel compelled to see your family, try to remember that not every statement or question posed to you deserves a response. If someone says something inappropriate, rude, or inflammatory, you can just look them in the eye with a steady gaze, and remain perfectly silent. Many people are very uncomfortable with silence -- you can watch them squirm in real time as you refuse to be baited. Or you can change the topic, perhaps to recall a pleasant activity that you did together, i.e. "Do you remember the time that we..."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/11/2021 04:40PM by summer.

It's a good idea not to react or say anything because in a way it's a control thing. So your advice is very good. It's so pointless to keep the relationship intact because it not so good.

I quit the family gatherings decades ago. Best thing ever. I would make a brief stop in for special occasions like a 90th birthday or 5OTH Anniversary party but that's it.

No one is quite sure what to say to me now and so we talk about the weather a few minutes, a nice hug from Mom or Dad, and I was on my way.

Trying to keep TBM/Exmormon relationships going is like beating a dead horse and expecting it to get up and run at the Belmont Stakes. Nobody ever got raised from the dead and these types of relationships don't get resurrected either by "holding your own." When something is dead you need to put a tag on it's toe and say bye.

When you are stuck in a group like that though, summer's advice is good. Lead with mystery. A puzzled look is a great way to answer a question as you skip words.

"... everyone else talks about their longing to meet again, it feels as if life is completely over."

Life is over (in a way) - if you think of it that way

It has to be reinvented.

It's up to you.

I invented the last one-
Dang!

•Good Luck•

I'm going to SLC Sunday to visit an ailing relative. Some good ideas on this post dealing with the TBM.

My wife's family are supposed to have a reunion this summer. Having not heard any news I'm guessing it's off.

There may be a possibility that the pandemic broke some branches on many family trees.