Posted by:
Cauda
(
)
Date: May 11, 2021 08:32AM
That darl day is approaching. Soon everyone in the family will have received their vaccine injection and the family can gather together again and be "merry". This year that passed by in isolation has been peaceful. I have exercised daily and thought about my worries and traumatic experiences. In recurring contact attempts from family members, I have tried to keep the personal boundaries intact. Has also been a bit provocative and shown integrity by not paying attention to holidays and dates in time that I know are important to members in the family system. In the past, I did everything out of DUTY because I thought I was a BAD BAD BAD BAD person who did not show up and let myself get treated like trash. Now it goes like a cold chilling feeling through my body when the dysfunctional family starts talking about whether or when we can meet again. I'm right now, really scared, everything will be exactly the same again with pompous overbearing berating mastery, psychotic outbursts that are gas lighted next minute and everybody sitting there pretending how GREAT everything is, endless emotional manipulation to get scapegoats angry and so on. Just the expression: how happy they are that we will soon meet again make me feel physically ill. It is just a lie. There are no good time, there are no relationship.
My heart rate goes up and I get angry even thinking about it. It is absurd when everyone else talks about their longing to meet again, it feels as if life is completely over.