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Posted by: Codecracker ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 02:16PM

When my mom adopted me, she probably had high hopes. And for a while I was doing good. Went to seminary all through school. Was starting a science degree at a good school while contemplating going on a mission.

But after my faith crisis I just completely tanked and depression/health problems messed me up. Now I'm in my late-20s. No degree, gay, sterilized (it was for cancer prevention but I know my mom was really sad about it), completely inactive, going nowhere in life.

I honestly feel bad for her and sometimes I wonder if she regrets adopting me.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 02:26PM

I really don't know how to support you. The level of regrets my parents have/had (dead dad) is huge. I suppose they regretting having me. Join the club.

The guilt is hard to deal with I would suppose if your mom really loves you but then if she does...

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 02:44PM

Codecracker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I honestly feel bad for her and sometimes I wonder
> if she regrets adopting me.

I'm not sure that's the right way to think about it. All parents are disappointed in their children at times, just as children are with their parents. But where there's love, those feelings are transitory.

My hunch is that you should focus on what you need. When my brother left the church, his life fell apart and it took him several years to get things figured out. But after a difficult period he found his path forward. A therapist can help a lot in your situation.

But you have plenty to worry about on your own. If your mother loves you as deeply as she probably does, she'll be happy to see you do what's necessary to regain your footing and then she'll take pride in who you have become. Love works that way: it's flexible, accommodating, patient.

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Posted by: Dr. No ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 04:56PM

Lot's Wife Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My hunch is that you should focus on what you
> need.
===============================

20's even late 20's is young.
Don't be dragged by the past, envision a five-years-from-today and plot a course.

Sounds like in nautical terms "dead in the water" or doldrums -- how to get out

Start by working out daily. Seriously. Not to exhaustion, just a routine of as a commitment to the self.
Mind-body connection works through striatum (yes it's a real thing - change the hard-to-tame mind via working the body)

Booze destroys mitochondria so kills energy, so destroys mood - so quit booze - feel worse but start to notice a subtle but definite pick-up on day 11
https://www.boredpanda.com/before-after-sobriety-photos/?utm_source=wrongplanet&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=organic
Weed also de-energizes demotivates.

Start with the physical, once energy returns dreams will return, plot a course from there

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: August 16, 2021 01:57PM

I didn't notice him saying Reefer Madness was a problem, nor drinking. The fact that you use a judgmental term (booze) sounds, well, judgmental.

As for alcohol damaging mitochondria, a quick google search found a mixed bag on that. For example:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/12/121221114112.htm

Drinking too much is bad for any number of reasons. I'd put mitochondrial damage pretty far down on that list.


To OP, my mom regretted that I left LDS Inc until the end of her life, but that was mostly because Mormonism is a multi-level marketing religion. Success is measured by how many other Mormons you create. I damaged her down-line. I finally decided I was not responsible for making her look good in front of her ward members. I was never going to win her approval, and I would need to find other ways to value my life. So I did.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 02:53PM

No need to feel guilty. I didn't turn out like my Mom intended either. All these decades later there are at least parts of me she likes now. My Dad ended up liking me a lot--in the end. I always want to be liked. Don't need love half as much.

Keep looking for what you want to accomplish in life. My nickname for myself was "late bloomer" and finally started "blooming" at 35. I was pretty lost until then. I know some who come into their own at 50 or more.

There are thousands of great careers and ways to support yourself and enjoy yourself that do not require a degree. Not having one is absolutely no reason to fee down.

Good luck to you. This is your journey, not your mother's. The more you are your self, the more she is likely to adjust. I highly doubt she regrets adopting you. Maybe tell her you are glad she is you Mom and see what reaction you get. She may feel she has failed and need to know your rejection of that church is not a rejection of her.

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Posted by: cl2notloggedin ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 03:46PM

We'd do almost anything for them in order to help them find their way.

Maybe Done & Done can post the story about the father who left the church for his gay son.

If your mother was unable to have biological children, and she was lucky enough to get you, I'd be surprised if she isn't thrilled ot have you no matter what.

I have a TBM daughter. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but my therapist told me what I needed to do and it worked. We get along great now.

I had a lot of dreams when I was in my 20s. Not ONE of them came true other than I did have my 2 kids. I wanted 8 (I was nuts). My kids are my #1 reason for living and many times have been my only reason for living.

Talk to your mom. You might be surprised.

I have a son who has mental illness. I was just working on his disability application. He is 35. Do you think this is what I dreamed of for my son? I'd die for my son. Actually, I lived for them both as I sure didn't want to stick around for a long time.

My parents loved me a lot even though it wasn't always perfect between us.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 05:25PM

   I'm of the belief that if there is a ghawd, he/she/barm(a very indeterminate pronoun I invented for this post), is not watching me 24/7 on some heavenly monitor.  In other words, I don't believe in a ghawd who is judging me.  How is having to judge people any kind of reward for becoming a ghawd?

   So if there's no ghawd judging me, why would I worry about people judging me, unless it's people to whom I give that privilege, such as employers, clients, fellow contestants in the erotic arts, etc.

   Now, if you weigh 144 pounds, why would you sign up to fight someone who knew all you knew about fighting, and maybe more, and who weighed in at 220 pounds?  Rationality assumes you would not volunteer for such a contest.  In other words, go easy on yourself!

   A person's current station in life is usually in flux; there are ups and downs... along with Circle Left, Allemande Right, Do Si Do, Promenade your partner, Swing, Roll Away To A Half Sashay, etc., ...  It can get complicated!!

   But there are no self-appointed judges and you should not fall prey to the fiction that what people think of you means something, other than those with money that they'll give you for following agreed-upon rules.

   Did you ever take a fall in public and think to yourself, "wow, everyone must think I'm a jerk!"  Well, the majority didn't think that.  And of those who did think, "What a boob!" (a thought that constantly cheers me up!), they did not shift the event from short-term memory to long-term memory, meaning that like 78.4% of all the memories you thought you'd made, it's been forgotten.

   My opinion is that life is what happens between trips to the bathroom.  And there is no 'judging'.  For most of us, "circumstances" form the constraints under which we labor/live.  You (along with most of us here) were not 'to the manor born'.  Like me, and especially like Gladys Lot, You probably have no special or cute talents.  

   The thing that the vast majority of humans do well is to be complacent.  All you have to do to lift yourself out of 'The Herd of Complacendy' is find something you can do better each time you try to do it, and to keep on trying to do it...even if it's just smiling at another person who didn't expect it.

   Don't say, "I'm going to change, starting right now, and in five years I'll get the highest score ever on the state Bar Exam!!"  And don't start bragging about what your goal is.  Keep it to yourself, because we mostly fail to meet our own expectations.  Even if you never 'progress' (whatever the hell that means), I think it counts as a success when you fall six times, but get up seven times.

   Finally, I've never been to a funeral where it was talked about publicly what a failure the dear departed was in life.  Even if all they can say at my funeral is, "Wow, he threw a mean boche ball!", I'll lay there in the dirt, moldering, but smiling.

   "Living" is either constantly on your mind, like a stone in your shoe, or you never give it a second thought, like a Kardashian in her $5,000 shoes...  I believe the secret to enjoying who you are is to want to be better but to be able to enjoy where you are currently. And if you aren't enjoying where you are currently, find a simple, legal way to chip away at the faux marble block(s) that is/are in your way.  "Life" isn't the goal, it's the process.


   I say these things in Judic West's name, yea, even he who inspired Napolean to remain on St. Helena Island, even though he, Napolean, was still a vibrant 51-year-old would be dictator!

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 05:54PM

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think it counts
> as a success when you fall six times, but get up
> seven times.

Jesus, this sentence proves that at least with regard to arithmetic you speak the truth when you acknowledge that you "have no special or cute talents."

Putting that innumeracy aside, however, I would point out to Codebreaker that hidden in Jesus's very generous verbiage--he's paid by the electron--is a dash of wisdom. His approach to life has paid off well for him and promises the same for anyone silly enough to follow suit.

Indeed, I'd start cultivating his benevolent carelessness immediately if I weren't constantly trying to escape the clutches of ICE agents. So you have a head start on me!

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Posted by: Awkdee ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 06:32PM

You probably write tongue-in-cheek, but to satisfy my OCD tendencies, I note that EOD’s apparent mathematical illogic is entirely correct when it is assumed that one begins the sequence of up-and-downs in a down position.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 06:50PM

You are SUCH a nerd. I love it!

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 06:52PM

Correct...

I did not, like Gladys Lot, ‘stick the landing’ when I did the wombal dismount.



Also, some of the nicest people I know work for ICE!

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 07:01PM

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Correct...
>
> I did not, like Gladys Lot, ‘stick the
> landing’ when I did the wombal dismount.

That is perhaps true, but are you really telling us you've only stood up seven times since birth?


-------------------
> Also, some of the nicest people I know work for
> ICE!

They only like you because you danced in their official rap video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rog8ou-ZepE

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: August 16, 2021 02:03PM

Y'all better stop talking about Internal Combustion Engines. Elon's getting annoyed.

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Posted by: kerri ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 07:35PM

I feel guilty because we adopted our children through the church snd they've all left. Life is full of guilt and the church screws us up even worse. Parents love their children. Amd if they only love you if you meet certain conditions, it's their own fault if they're miserable. Or we can blame the church even more. Big hugs. Find a community of people who make you happy. We only get one life, so don't waste it. Xx

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Posted by: babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 10:20PM

Oh crap, to be in my late 20s again! You wanna trade? I could have my whole life ahead of me. Could do anything. Join an ashram, work day jobs, work out, look pretty for young chicks. Life isn’t what you think it is, or you wouldn’t be depressed.

I see being inactive as a good thing. Don’t waste your life on a religion that treats you the way Mormonism does. That sh*t is not your friend. So congratulations.

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: August 13, 2021 10:24PM

Agreed. But the transition can be tough.

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Posted by: babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: August 15, 2021 09:46PM

Also, don’t feel guilty about not having a family. The Earth has enough humans. Even without you contributing to the population, mankind will be here a while. Like the Mormon church.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: August 14, 2021 10:14AM

Rational adults come to realize that there are no guarantees in life. All you can do is to love the people in your life, and hope that they can love you back. In your late 20s, you have a world of opportunity in front of you. I went back to school when I was 34. Whatever you set your mind to do, you can do. It will take hard work and some sacrifices. But it will be worth it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2021 10:14AM by summer.

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Posted by: thedesertrat1 ( )
Date: August 16, 2021 12:54PM

Codecracker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> When my mom adopted me, she probably had high
> hopes. And for a while I was doing good. Went to
> seminary all through school. Was starting a
> science degree at a good school while
> contemplating going on a mission.
>
> But after my faith crisis I just completely tanked
> and depression/health problems messed me up. Now
> I'm in my late-20s. No degree, gay, sterilized (it
> was for cancer prevention but I know my mom was
> really sad about it), completely inactive, going
> nowhere in life.
>
> I honestly feel bad for her and sometimes I wonder
> if she regrets adopting me.

DON'T EVER BE ASHAMED OF YOUR SELF!!!
THAT IS YOU AS A SELF OR BEING
Stand tall! YOU made a decision. Many others have made similar decisions. If you believe that you are OK as a person then to hell with the world view!!! Be yourself! I'll bet this whole forun is with you.
May the force be with you



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2021 02:06PM by thedesertrat1.

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Posted by: macaRomney ( )
Date: August 16, 2021 09:02PM

I agree, it's very unlikely she 'regrets the adoption' mothers are more likely to worry about their kids. They want the best for them. She may have disappointments in life, and those disappointments likely have nothing to do with anything you've done, but for things like her own bad childhood, tumultuous youth, or missed opportunities. Life is hard and complicated in many ways. And the choices presented to the disadvantaged are always less than fair or just.

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