So...I've been reading these forums for quite a while now but never posted before.Just like many others I converted to the lDS religion. I transferred to BYU because of their accounting program without knowing anything about mormons but still did it. Within a couple months I took the missionary talks and converted.

Long story short, I kept attending BYU...never happy with callings or activities because I have always been one of those "intellectuals". Anyways, on my last year there I met my wife and we clicked. Not because of religious issues but really because we had a lot of fun with each other and it just felt good.
Anyways, her family is enitrely LDS and mine isn't.

We ended up marrying in the temple even though she knew I didn't serve a mission or wasn't interested in it at all. For the past 3 years I have been attending church even though I don't feel like it sometimes (I'm ok with 1 hour at the most so I can take sacrament sometimes lol) and I hated callings and activities.

Last week I finally blew up and told my wife I couldn't take it anymore. I told her I don't want to leave the church entirely (I love her too much and that would break her heart) but that from now on I refuse to attend Sunday School and priesthood and that Im done with callings and activities, I don't want more lds friends....they're too close-minded and judgmental.

Amazingly my wife said she prayed about this and felt like this was good for me and that it was right. We just barely moved to a new ward but I'm not sure what the consequences of this will be....do u guys think the bishop will ask me for my recommend or tell me Im banned from church??? We are planning on talking to him on Sunday and my wife said she'd support me in that covnersation even if the fool tells me to pray about it and tries to convince me my wife said she knows whats best for me and as long as Im happy Im free to do what I want. Yesterday i left after 20 minutes in church and it felt amazing, the freedom was something I forgot about for the last 5 years or so. I just wanna hear any different points of view from you guys and if you have any clue whats gonna happen from now on. Thanks.

Rarely do LDS females react so reasonably to their husbands wanting to leave.

Maybe she'll follow you out.

I'm not feeling long-winded today, so I'll just wish you good luck.

first off, it's not a religion. Do not let them couch in those terms.

it is an obvious, demonstrable hoax orchestrated by a career conman.

do not address it in any other terms.

They are victims of a the hoax, the fraud, the crime.

You own the facts. The facts support your position. There is no "what if's" or "we just don't know."

Actually, you do. They are victims of a crime. Like Bernie Madoff's victims of his crime. Except Bernie was never killed in the middle of his scam and elevated to Godhood.

If they try to talk to you about religion, bring it back to the criminal fraud it is. Speak from the postition of strenghth and irrefutable fact.

Sounds like you have a terrific wife. Congrats!!

It's their way of guilting you. They want to take something away to make you want to step back into line. It's like with kids. They misbehave and we put a toy in time out.

And if the bishop comes to your house to ask for it. Quickly get distracted by bringing up something else. Or if you have to, go look for it but you can't seem to find it.

settled. Leaving is a long process for some of us. What is comfortable changes for us.

I'm glad you are supporting your wife, and visa versa. It's great to see people who think family is more important than a church.

Do you have to tell the bishop? Can't you just keep it between you and your wife and let things play out for awhile? If it were me, I would not tell the bishop anything until I was ready to lose my recommend or be examined under a microscope. Maybe if I were offered a calling I would just say no, but not say anything about doubting until I had made up my mind that I didn't want to belong anymore. I wouldn't risk losing my recommend until I was ready to lose it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2011 12:19PM by suckafoo.

Nice to have you here!

Based on what others have written on this board, the bishop is not going to ban you from church. If anything, there will be concerted efforts to get you to be more active.

The bishop may ask for your recommend, so be prepared for that. It depends on the individual bishop. If he doesn't ask for it at present, when it expires, it may be difficult to get a new one. Discuss that with your wife to see how she feels about it. Also, other church members *may* start to view either or both you and your wife as being "less than," particularly if they see your wife attending SM on her own. It will depend on your new ward.

You might want to start thinking about what your next steps will be. Do you want to continue attending sacrament meeting only? Do you want to reduce even that to every other week? Do you want to pay tithing on only 50% of your income (which shouldn't affect your wife's temple recommend, but again, depends on the bishop?)

You'll also want to start thinking about how you want to raise your kids, and how you'll deal with your in-laws. It's a lot on your plate, I know. Stick around because you'll see a lot of perspectives on this board about these and related issues.

I'm glad that your wife is sympathetic to you! Not everyone here is so lucky.

Thank you for all your comments. More facts about us....my wife has always allowed me to watch R-rated movies because since day 1 I told her that I dont think God cares about what we watch lol...she agreed with me as long as it made me happy...

When we had the talk I told her that if someone from Church asks me what movies Ive seen lately Id be like well...The Departed, The Godfather and some others just to see them squirm but basically I told my wife that I am sick of pretending to be someone that I'm not just so that the congregation is happy....bunch of hypocrites

the fact that you even have to discuss or defend your moviegoing.

in the real world, no one gives a shit what movies you see.

The thing is, there are so many R-rated movies that are splendid works of art. I'm thinking of "Saving Private Ryan", "Schindler's List", and my all-time favorite, "The English Patient" to name a few. It would be a terrible shame if adults denied themselves these movies over some misguided notions about supposed clean living and worthiness.

The funny thing too, is that movie standards are different from country to country. I have heard about how in England for example, they have church activities where they watch Passion of the Christ , something with an R rating in the US

To honestone,

They will probably try to encourage me to return but they'll probably respect me since she has 2 brothers who left the church (other intellectuals lol). If we have kids, I told her that I'd want them to make their ownd ecisions but she wants to take them to church still....we still dont have any.

My family was pissed as hell cuz they couldn't attend the wedding and my old college friends from other places before I transferred to BYU were upset cuz they flew to Utah and had to sit out. I have talked to my parents and they support me and told me that they love me no matter whta (they are Catholics but very liberal). They love my wife and they are happy that she is supporting me in what makes me feel happy.

BTW I hope other members and the bishop criticize us and treat us badly...that will only give me more ammunition to convince my wife that a real loving congregation wouldnt treat one of their own like that. Especially if he asks me for my temple recommend when I havent broken any rules other than wasting a full 3 hours on Sunday and refusing callings.

She is way more open-minded than other mormons and she definitely puts me in front of the church....when we had the talk she told me crying that even if I left the church full time she would stick by me even if it'd break her heart but I think this is a good first step in getting us both out of the cult. "Baby steps" is what I keep thinking.

What are some of your other reasons for wanting to leave? So far have heard about the "close mindedness" and long meetings and not liking callings. Just wondering.

The obligation to attend any church is artificial.
No one has to go if they don't want to.
Churches tell you you need what they can provide. People are not lacking this innately.
They create the need and offer to fill it all at the same time. Oh, and by the way, give money too plz!

Therefore any reason, even if it may seem superficial to you, is sufficient to stop attending.

Wow...you sure did luck out with a wife like that. Now, may I ask about her family. Will they encourage her to get you active or leave you? would she listen to their advice? If you have kids how will they be raised if this situation remains static. You need to discuss it all with her now if she appears to remain devoted to you. I love it when a a spouse puts her hubby/wife above the church. That says so much. But watch out for all her friends, etc. Good luck and you have done the right thing...a convert who has realized his mistake. I guess your family could not attend your wedding. How is your family taking all that? Have you told them of your activity. I would suggest you do. It will please them most likely if they worried about your choice to marry a Mormon.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2011 12:31PM by honestone.

My advise is to keep the bishop and any other church leaders out of your life!
What you do is none of their business.

Since your wife is supportive, decide beween the two of you how much of your life/money you are willing to waste on this hoax.

You do not owe Mormonism anything, certainly not any explanations on how you want to spend your weekends.

Take a break for a few months from the Mormon hamster wheel and see how it works out for you.

Who cares what a bishop thinks or does.He has zero authority over you.

Other reasons for leaving the cult????

Definitely closed mindedness....I call them the lemmings although my wife gets pissed at me whenever i say that......so much pressure....the whole Book of Mormon story is bs and their doctrines are messed up...sure have 10 kids wtf...if they pay me to maintain them maybe lol

Have always disagreed quietly with the temple and I hate the testimony meetings...lol so much

It does sound as though you are thoroughly disgusted with just about everything. How do you see this playing out with the bishop on sunday? How are you going to present this to him?

Some great advice above, Scooter has the facts all right, but the victims of this fraud sincerely believe they ARE in a religion.

The most important thing here is saving your nuclear family. You are indeed lucky that you have a wife who truly loves you and feels that your happiness is more important than the fear the Mormon cultists have used to condition her.

You are not safe, my friend, because the moment you make any formal announcement, you have allowed strangers into your marriage. Your spirituality and growth, and your wife's, is absolutely none of their damn business. It isn't their business what you wear to bed and your hearts are not their territory.

THEY put themselves between you when you each married the church first in the temple, then each other. And gave each other conditional love with her promising to love you "as you keep the laws and ordinances/promises, etc" (correct me if I'm wrong on the wording)

THEY brainwashed you into thinking you MUST answer personal questions and that they have a right to measure your testimony monthly and audit your finances yearly. Simply put, that's BS.

The important thing here is for you to realize that you are taking the first few important steps to recovering your own life and dignity. You were less conditioned than your wife, but she is on the path of recovery herself, make no mistake about it. This is a critical time for both of you and it requires great sensitivity, self-control, and insight on your part.

The key to a successful result is that you two wait until you are on the same page, then make announcements TOGETHER. If you make individual announcements, the Mormons will see that as a crack and exploit it, they will love-bomb, treat your wife pityingly and TBM's can even hit on a woman, saying, "A faithful woman like you deserves better." The ward gossip mill will be whirling and you do NOT need the chaos while you as a couple are working things out.

Don't think they will respect you. Why should they? You are walking toward darkness in their view and dragging your poor wife out of the light. Your wife will hear remarks such as, "Do you still want children even though you won't have them for eternity?"

People who live in fear (cult members) are made even more fearful by those who escape. It causes anxiety and guilt, all of which negative energy is projected toward you.

Decide what you AND your wife will say to the ward members. Mind you, no other religion I know of feels they have the right to ask deeply personal questions about your relationship with God. No Catholic, for example, would ever ask, "Don't you miss taking communion now that you are committing mortal sins?" Yet a Mormon woman will ask point-blank, "So is your husband being excommunicated or what?"

Choose something that is true because no point in being devious or lying. You are leaving the life of lies for the life of integrity. An example to a rude, invasive question would be, "Mary and I are working out out salvation in private, but thanks for asking." Or, "No decisions have been made, but you'll be the first to know" (OK, that has a little snarky edge, but you get the idea). When nothing else comes to mind, like if someone asks if the bishop knows you aren't wearing garments, you can always ask, "I'm curious, why would you ask a question like that? Most people would consider that pretty private."

If the bishop calls you into his office, refuse the invitation. Tell him you and your wife will contact him if a decision is made. You are researching on Sundays.

You can show up for an occasional wedding or meeting as a loving gesture to your wife, who knows you hate it, to show her that you are her companion and are willing to be by her side for special occasions.

When you reject the Mormon definitions of marriage and family, man and woman, you are in the Twilight Zone. It's easy to lose your way. I promise you that you will never regret making your marriage your first priority and defining your family's boundaries YOURSELF.

Best wishes to you and post often. We are all rooting for you!

Anagrammy

It's a one word correction, but kind of major!

The word Love is nowhere to be found in the temple wedding ceremony. The wife promises to obey or hearken, I forget which one is used currently. But it sure ain't Love!

Hey Maggie,

Well Im disgusted but I cant just tell my wife I am all out of a sudden, I think it has to be a gradual process.

Not really sure how it will play out yet but knowing she's got my back is really unexpected...I thought I'd be fighting this battle on 2 fronts but she says she prayed about it and she feels confirmation that Im doing whats best for me by withdrawing from 95% of the church activities...shes happy if I go take the sacrament and leave afterwards (which im willing to do at the moment to keep peace at home). Shes ok with me not talking to our home teachers, missionaries, skipping all the activities and the other 2 sessions of the church block...shes even happy if I dont want to participate in Family Home Evening as long as I feel happy and fulfilled.

The bishop will either accept it or give me crap (which is what im expecting) but if he does it will definitely create a rift between us and the church since my wife supports me. But Im not sure whats gonna happen. Just hoping for the worst which will end up helping me in the end.

Anagrammy,

Thank you so much for your post. It feels good to know I'm not alone. It's definitely a struggle.

Stunted,

You are nice to lie to the Bishop but Im definitely gonna lay down the facts and telling him Im not taking any callings or participating in any activities from now on. Also, that I wont be attending other meetings past sacrament so dont expect me to be there.

I want to be a lost sheep but gradually, I want my wife to become disgusted with all the hypocrites there so I will make the sacrifice for a while longer just to see how bad they treat her for attending all her meetings and activities alone. It will be interesting for her to feel like an outsider when she's been an insider all her life. I want her to see them for who they really are and come to her own conclusions by herself.

How did your wife take it when you decided to stop attending?

Thanks for the good luck and wishes everyone,

MCane

I never could lie myself. Like you, I wanted everybody to know where I was and what I was thinking. I actually believed the church was what it claimed to be. I was raised "knowing" that the golden plates actually existed and the priesthood power was a real thing!

when I found the truth I was pissed! There was a very rough spot in my marriage for about 6 months but it didn't end. After that things slowly started to improve. It's been about 7 years now and I actually think my marriage is stronger than it was back in my TBM days. We no longer have the Mormon Filter between us as husband and wife. My wife is still TBM but as a couple we no longer have to pretend with each other.

I hope your wife keeps respecting you. It makes all the difference.

Stunted

Stunted,

I hear ya with the honesty issue but if I confess that I don't believe anything about this church except that God and Jesus love us all (I am a Christian after all and always was before a mormon) it'd be too much for my wife to digest at once. I want her to open her eyes to the fraud that it all is and truthfully I want to make the church look evil and I want to be innocent, which is why Im going to explain my living situation to the Bishop this Sunday and hoping he gets pissed off at me.

I want them to spread the word that Im a bad person and come visit me all the time so it actually gives me a reason to get all pissed off at em. I know that they'll talk badly about my wife for sticking it out with me but like I said baby steps and this will be the first one.

Cant wait to get rid of this cult, for my sanity and my wive's sanity too...especially for our future children.

sound like you have a "keeper" wife!! good! i think you are right with the baBy steps..... but what do i know....just look at my moniker!! :)

Well, Mr McCane,

Best of luck to you
Please return and report
I can tell you this is one hell of a process. I've been out ten years now, after 33 f#$%^&& years in.

As long as you are willing to attend Sacrament meeting.

Nobody really cares about the other meetings anyway. So many people teach sunday school or are in primary and nursery or whatever that nobody knows if you don't go. The guys left to attend the Elders Quorum don't care who is or isn't there. They just put their heads down and try to get through it without passing out from boredom.

Depending on how you respond to calling requests I think you can attend church on your own terms for awhile at least. when the Bishop asks you to teach a Sunday School class, don't tell him shove his head up his ass, for example. Rather, shake your head with a disappointed look on your face and let him know that extra work shifts are coming up and you won't be available. Maybe next time - then hurry away for some emergency.

As long as you don't show any animosity toward the church I think most members will just assume you are part of the hive and treat you as one of your own. Of course the bean counters in the office will know you never attend Phood meeting and you may get discussed in PEC and ward council, but again, if you're in Sacrament meeting they won't worry too much.


When I made my break, I couldn't stand even Sacrament meeting so I've been labeled as a lost sheep. My wife goes with the kids but I've only been in the church maybe 3 times all year. We've managed to work it out.

Good luck.

Stunted