Sorry, you never made it to being an Exmo 70.

I just finished reading your 20+ emails to me. I'm glad I helped you through a difficult time. I'm very sorry I didn't cut you any slack when you disagreed with me here. Hindsight is so much clearer but I'm this case useless. I hope you found that God you believed in and if you have a soul, I hope you found some peace.

I thought since I don't know your last name but I do have your email introduction to me, I could post a bit of an obit to you here. And if course you get to write your own. Thanks for reaching out to me. And though this doesn't make amends it is the best I have for your memory.

It's the Cabbie...
Hi Bob,

This is my regular e-mail, and I check it daily...

I always find it worthwhile to connect with board regulars; in 20 years I've met a whole lot of incredible people, encountered some hilarious* "coincidences," and otherwise found the Exmormon Community to be a group of forward-looking sorts who do seek to make this world a better place.

My background, if you don't know it, is that I am a "technical Nevermo," but I was only one in my family who wasn't baptized (sheer precocious stubbornness, as I see it. My folks are Jack Mormons, and my maternal grandfather did a mission to New Zealand before coming back, majoring in philosophy, and "informally" apostatizing... He started smoking to identify himself as a non-Mormon, and I fell into the same trap; thankfully it's been nearly 20 years since I quit...

I sobered up in 1980 and went back to the U of U and picked up a teaching certificate in English (with a French minor). I taught for quite a while at Dayspring, a then "state-of-the-science" treatment program in the 80's that was pretty good, IMO (I still see lots of "alumni" at meetings among those who are "still breathing"). While I was there, I did a grad program in addictions counseling through the U of U Department of Social Work.

I left with a sour taste in my mouth for "hospital/treatment field politics," even though I was at the top of my class... One option I had been considering was a PhD in some clinical psych field, but I really don't have any regrets. I moved to California briefly for a business opportunity, and then came back to Salt Lake, played high level tournament bridge, flyfished a lot, and tried to get back into school teaching...

That didn't happen; nobody told me about the secret handshakes, honest... And there are some "awful psychodynamics" that popped up way into my recovery. I'm still dealing with them as I'm able...

Anyway, the late John Bradshaw (who used to to PBS programs on "The Family") was another tremendous "recovering sort" who was part of the movement in the late 80's and 90's that addressed "toxic shame." The issue he raised--which I confirmed with my own experience--is the "frozen shame" that arises as a result of childhood trauma...

The psychodynamics of that one have, IMO, "survival value," and because shame is so toxic to our ordinary consciousness, we "mitigate" it via "beliefs" that become a part of our "unconscious patterns."

I'm obviously a "big believer" in 12-Step Recovery since that was what I was first exposed to. Incidentally, my regular "AA sponsor" is a Jesuit-educated Catholic who describes himself as a "Praying Agnostic," and I've never been uncomfortable with his views even though my own lean toward an "authentic Higher Power"; that one's strictly a personal faith and I'm one who still leans heavily on prayer and meditation even if I grew up an atheist/agnostic here in Salt Lake. I find my life works better with that personal dependence on "something," even if it is nebulous at times...

As far as "toxic shame" goes, I have a good friend--also in recovery--who observed "The Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living." The larger issue, of course, is the reality there are a lot of real dickheads, @$$ holes, and toxic sorts out there, and our challenge is to find our own paths while remaining as "true to ourselves and our values" as we can...

If you haven't, I would pick up Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame the Binds You" for starters, and there's lots of other material out there; some names that come to mind are Melodie Beatty, Patrick Carnes, and Timmen Cermak. Those are just off the top of my head...

Okay, I'm going to cut this short; I'm exhausted right now from a lot of chaos and trauma in my own life...(taken out because it is personal to Cabbie) Feel free to communicate as you're able, and I'll put out what I've learned and believe as unconditionally as I can.

Okay, I do need to add I wasn't sexually abused growing up, but I was beaten regularly (which creates similar toxicity), and there was an "incidence of sexualization" that was pretty toxic; I managed to work through it when I was in a staff group as part of Dayspring... My "mentor" used to facilitate that group; he's still alive and practicing in his 80's, and I just touched bases with him less than a week ago...

This stuff is a journey, not a destination...

Randy the Cabbie and Internet Knight Errant

*Oh yeah... Those "coincidences": Steve Benson and I went to the same grade school, and we've alternately been really friendly and "at each other's throats." My view: He's a very bright and talented sort, but badly damaged going up in the Benson household. "Jesus Smith" (taken out cause it was personal to Cabbie) There are some others as well, et in Utah ego, wings, and Stray Mutt who all grew up in Holladay as well...

Thank you for the obit. I knew some of it, but not all of it. Cabbie was a survivor. I hope that he found some happiness in this life, and even more in the next life if that is our destiny.

I can only add a final, "Honk, honk!"

Thanks for posting this. It's a lot more human than a lot of the stuff he posted directly on the board. It helps round him out.

I remember one time meeting up with him in Salt Lake, where I was following behind him in my car.

All of a sudden the rear window on his car fell out and shattered on the road.

As Confucius is said to have said: “People who live in glass automobiles should not throw stones.”

Will miss our back-and-forths.

If there is an afterlife with a connection to the Internet, Randy is pleased that you posted to both threads. Thanks for your reply in his memory.

Didn't he say something like - Free ride to the top?
Feel free to punch JS in the nose over there bro.

He was one of my favorite posters. He died far too young.