For those you who have mourned parents, I was wondering how you dealt with the day-to-day.

It's been almost three months since I lost my mother. I've been unmotivated and yet stupidly busy at the same time. Concentration at work is very hard. I don't enjoy many of the things I liked before.

I find moments every day where I don't quite hyperventilate, but it feels really similar, when I get lost in thoughts about missing her. And it's not just about her. I also lost my in-laws and my father all since mid-2019.

But mom had been sick for so long, and in the end, I didn't get to say goodbye. All the times before that when I said goodbye and hugged her, knowing that they could be our last, don't feel like they make up for not being able to be with her when she finally died.


I've been looking for a grief counselor locally, but I don't like many of their educational backgrounds. For so many of them, it's a second career, and I feel like it was a roll of the bones that they didn't become yoga instructors or real estate agents instead.

I admit I am an intellectual snob on this front. I once went to a therapist when I was having panic attacks after 9/11. He was a nice caring man, but I hated the fact that he stated that he learned new words from me at each visit. I'm sure he thought it was a compliment, but it made me question his competence.

So I'm having a hard time even finding someone who might be intellectually compatible as a baseline, let alone trusting them or their specific methodologies.


I'm open to advice on how to proceed. I miss my mom, and I know that isn't going to change, but I want to honor her memory and still be productive to the degree that that's possible at the same time.

Tyson

I wouldn't think helping someone with grief would require a large vocabulary. Also, yoga does help.

I simply hated having it pointed out to me at every session that I was expanding my therapist's vocabulary by simply talking. A therapist who is confident enough not to make such observations would be fine with me.

Tyson

That wouldn't give me a lot of confidence in him. He should have paid you.

I won't impute anything about them. But even talking to a beloved pet can help.

My mom died in the hospital hours after open-heart surgery. She was only 64. I didn’t go to the hospital with her because I had a cold, and I didn’t her to catch it and complicate her surgery and recovery. Then she was gone. She died alone.

I honestly didn’t want to live without her even tho I had children of my own to care for.

About 50 days later, I woke up thinking, “I think I’m going to be ok.” The thought was a surprise to me.

After that, I began to heal.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother, and for what you are going through now.

Sometimes life decrees that "Goodbye" either has to be said in advance, or after the fact.

Sometimes, when people are dying, circumstances dictate that there is no other choice but to sincerely do the best you can given the realities of the situation you must deal with.

Different realities for me and my Mom than for you, but basically a similar situation when my Mom died. (Less than twenty-four hours before my Mom died unexpectedly, her sister had died of really bad, and protracted, pancreatic cancer.)

If you have done the best you could with the realities as they existed, then since you cannot (and could not) do any better than your best, you may now need to consciously develop a level of acceptance of yourself, and of the greater situation and its part in your own life.

You may be dealing with many mixed feelings, and it may take months to work this through, but there IS "another side" which one day you will likely be astounded to realize has become your personal new reality.

I wish you the very, very best.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2022 03:57PM by Tevai.

I don't really have expert advice, except I know it takes time to adapt.

I don't think the grief ever goes away, but it changes over time.

My dad died when I was in my 20s. I was devastated. I would randomly burst into tears while doing anything. Why was the world going on as if nothing had happened? People would awkwardly look at me and not know what to say. I felt sad and also resentful that I would not have a dad to attend a wedding or see grandkids. I didn't get to say goodbye. He died in an unpleasant way and there was no one to help him. I didn't get to thank him for the good things he did. I didn't get to speak with him adult to adult.

It took about a year, but slowly I came to focus on memories more than sorrow. It hasn't been very long for you, Tyson. We all can see here what a good son you were and that you did so much for her. I hope you can focus on indulging yourself and cut yourself some slack. I don't have advice about therapy. I hope things get better soon.

This is really good advice.

take time every day to grieve. Set time aside and don't do anything else. He told me if I did that, then the moments won't happen so often where I was doubled over in pain. I was angry at my mom when she died. She had gone off her meds again and ended up in the hospital and then a short-term stay in the nursing home. I saw her the night before and she was okay. She had visitors all day. She had visited with them. My disabled brother had come by and watched TV with her. Then my other disabled brother walked over there to make sure she got her dinner on time as they forgot the night before. He walked in and she had a fork in her hand and she was looking up. The worker had gone to get her another desert as she asked for one. None of us got to say good-bye.

I tend to have a lot of premonitions and I remembered a really significant date that morning that would impact my mom's life in a big way. I told my "husband" that if my mom was going to leave, she'd leave that day. Then my family couldn't find me. I was at the office working. I usually work at home. My husband knew the number to the office and called me. He said, "How did you know?" My dad died 2 months later. We actually had talked on the phone the night before about one of my disabled brothers and he told me he loved me and said good-bye. I was more caught off guard by his death even though I knew he'd be dead soon. I think he stuck around for my mom so she could die first. He should have dead 10 years before after his heart bypass surgery.

I just cried writing that. They've been gone over 13 years and I still grieve. I could use them around all the time and I talk to them. I don't pray really anymore, but I talk to my parents every day. I tell them what I need and I believe they help me. I do believe they live on. Many times I'd like to go join them, but my kids need me here.

It took me several years to cope with the loss of my Dad, 11 years and one day ago. I was grief stricken and largely went through the motions of living - dealing with work, home life. I agree with others who say that grief changes over time.

My Dad suffered a stroke and couldn't really communicate. It was massive and severe. He was in a mental fog and couldn't pass a swallow test. He worsened when his condition became stable and they moved him out of the ICU.

I have told my friends and families that I was most devastated when he suffered the stroke (he fell 3 times in the bedroom before my Mom with the help of a family friend urged my Mom to call an ambulance. My Dad needed immediate medical care and not to be tucked back into bed).

I took a leave of absence to see him before his time was up. I had to return to work and like cl2, had a premonition that he would come out of his fog to say goodbye to him over the phone.

And I will add this tidbit, a longtime TBM family friend came to talk, pray and read scriptures to my Dad. He never came out of his mental fog (much to the chagrin of his mighty priesthood). The last person he had a conversation with were members who brought their mentally challenged daughter to see him. He came out of his fog for 15 minutes and they had a neat dialogue.

There's some good people on this board to help you through your tough times.

Somewhat similar things happened with my father dying. My condolences since I experienced similar events just not emotions.

A year ago I couldn't get used to the idea he was gone. It is better this year. Even with my mother bringing up how good she was to him (she wasn't) I am able to find a little more peace this year. I still have days...

It has been 5 years since my wife died from lung cancer. I still from time to time get overwhelmed by feelings of sorrow and loneliness.
I have been guilty of poor relationship choices as a result.
I am trying to improve but sometimes it is very difficult

Almost 5 years since lung cancer took my wife as well. I understand.

Sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. May happy memories bring you some comfort during this difficult time.

Perhaps there is a grief support group in your area?

I lost my mom then my dad 4 years apart. That was over 20 years ago. There was a finality when dad passed but with the love and support of my wife and children my brother and I got through it. The grief I experienced after my wife passed in 2017 was on another level...but I got through it too. I am just glad I didn't cave inwards or seek solace at the bottom of a bottle. I could not have survived the ordeal alone. I know that for a fact.

It took me about three years to fully process my mother's death. I was with her when she died, and for that I'm grateful. But having said that, I wish that I had helped her to bed as she requested, instead of insisting that she follow her normal nighttime routine (I was her caregiver in the last phase of her life.) If she had gone straight to bed, she would have died in her sleep. As it was, she collapsed on the way there. I say this so that you can know that there are often regrets. I think you have to look at the totality of your relationship. Your relationship was much more than her last few minutes on this earth.

Also, hospice nurses will tell you that many folks like to die on their own. They may have someone sitting with them all day, and when that person briefly leaves the room, that's when they go.

The first three weeks after my mother died were brutal. When I awakened each morning, I would have a blessed moment of relief. Then I remembered that my mother was gone, and the rest of the day was unremitting pain.

But what I did was I made an effort to be very kind to myself. I gave myself verbal pep talks and praise for whatever I was able to accomplish each day. I gave myself permission to do whatever made me feel better, whether it was watching a movie, or whatever. I demonstrated compassion to myself. And I found some good, empathetic listeners. You need that -- people who have lost a parent, or have suffered some other horrendous loss, and know what you are going through on a deep level. That might be a good therapist, or a good friend.

After those first three weeks, I had moments where I felt okay. And that was a new version of hell. How could I feel okay when my mother was dead?

Just know that it takes time. Mourning is a process. Be kind to yourself. Tend to the basics -- three square meals, adequate rest, exercise. Get out into nature -- nature is very healing. Give yourself the gift of time.

Lovely post, summer.

Sorry about your mom. Brutal it is.

Thanks to everyone for posting about loss and mourning.

My father died of a hereditary kidney disease when I was 15. (Because I didn't know enough about the disease, I have passed it to my son who is now on dialysis, but that's another story.)

My mother forbade me to cry, at Dad's funeral or really at any other time. She would thunder at me, "DADDY WOULD BE SO ASHAMED OF YOU!!" Saying anything suggesting grief, like, "I really miss Daddy" was not allowed.

My grandmother (Dad's mom) lived next door to us in an adorable little cottage Dad built for her. So when Mother was not at home, I would go over to Grandma's cottage and we would share our memories, cry together, and sometimes she would share stories about Dad's childhood. That's how we dealt with our grief.

How did mother deal with hers? She turned to alcohol, and began getting slobbery drunk virtually every day. She got herself fired from her position as director of nursing at a local hospital because she got angry over something at work. She got herself good and tanked up, and then called the hospital director and told him off. I heard every word of her tirade, and I remember thinking, "This is not good."

Mother's termination letter was waiting for her when she went to work the next day. She outlived Dad by nearly 20 years, and while she was old enough to file for Social Security and live on that, I don't think she ever stopped grieving.

Also, my condolences to everyone else who is still bearing their own grief.

I know that my mother very much did not want to die alone. She told us this repeatedly, and it's one of the things that makes this hardest. In the hospital, while she was still awake, we know that she called out repeatedly for my brother who took care of her. At some point, the staff gave her something to calm her down, which likely knocked her out. I'm pretty sure that wasn't what she intended.


I appreciate that my mourning period hasn't been long with my own mother, but I was already mourning my husband's mother as well who died six months before. It's like a one-two punch. I hadn't stopped reeling from before.

Awfully, they died of the same rare cancer, my mother-in-law's having gone undiscovered and untreated, until she started to have swallowing issues, the cancer having moved (we believe) to her salivary glands. She died in under two weeks and would have died sooner, if the hospital had actually followed her healthcare directive not to resuscitate her when she stopped breathing. When they disconnected her ventilator a week later, she looked like she had been awake and screaming. It was horrific. (Does no one close the eyes and mouth of the deceased anymore??)

And for my mother, for us to arrive 15 minutes too late was just a horrible horrible blow. We said goodbye to her corpse. It was all we could do.

Tyson, still looking for a counselor

Are Mormons still saying that "a good Latter-day Saint doesn't mourn!" That's what my foster family told me when my mother passed away--you go to the funeral and then go right back to school, buddy. That was tough on me. I was 15 when my mother passed of lung cancer. I was put into an LDS foster home when she lay dying. My father was a hopeless alcoholic, which is why I became a ward of the court. He died 13 months later, but I didn't mourn that at all, and he had no funeral. But I can't easily forgive the thing about my mother.

Former hospice nurse and current psychiatric nurse here; last survivor of my family.
You certainly have been immersed in a sea of grief. Congratulations on maintaining a reasonable semblance of normal function. You are doing well to get out of bed, get dressed, and go to work.
Not many young psychology grad students start wanting to be grief therapists; you are right that many who specialize in grief therapy are career changers. Often surviving a loss of their own is the catalyst for specializing in grief therapy, and these people tend to be older. You might try looking for faculty at a local university or medical school for a therapist on your level. Most faculty do some private practice in the community where I live.
Alas it's not uncommon for eyes and mouths to remain open after death. The funeral directors have the tools to fix that invisibly. Yes, the open eyes can be disconcerting.
The symptoms you describe can also be characteristic of depression, so you might consider seeing a psychiatrist. It can be challenging to discern what could be complicated grief and what could be depression that's resulted from the onslaught you've endured the last few years.
And recent events can make all of this worse. I've missed my family acutely in the last months after doing okay for years.
The recovery process isn't linear but agony does eventually subside.

> Congratulations on maintaining a reasonable semblance of normal function. You are doing well to get out of bed, get dressed, and go to work.

Thanks. Being the resilient one in the family is what got me to be the one to bear the load of fixing my parents' issues.


> You might try looking for faculty at a local university or medical school for a therapist on your level. Most faculty do some private practice in the community where I live.

I will look into that. The big name school 30 miles down the road almost certainly has people. I've just been parochial in my search.


> Alas it's not uncommon for eyes and mouths to remain open after death. The funeral directors have the tools to fix that invisibly. Yes, the open eyes can be disconcerting.

Yeah, the funeral home botched my mother's face, giving her duck lips and painting her roots with black waxy stuff. It was awful.


> The symptoms you describe can also be characteristic of depression, so you might consider seeing a psychiatrist. It can be challenging to discern what could be complicated grief and what could be depression that's resulted from the onslaught you've endured the last few years.

I recognize that as consistent too.


> And recent events can make all of this worse. I've missed my family acutely in the last months after doing okay for years.
The recovery process isn't linear but agony does eventually subside.

Thanks. I've been in the process of updating my personal address today as we've been moving. A restaurant website returned me to their main page after I did my update only to greet me with:

Make a plan to treat mom

and

Experiences to share with mom


Very much put out by that.

Tyson

Tyson Dunn Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> A restaurant website returned me to their main page
> after I did my update only to greet me with:
>
> Make a plan to treat mom
>
> and
>
> Experiences to share with mom


Yeah, Mother's Day. Businesses are gonna carry on doing business. Just one of the ways that people get kicked in the heart as they go through the tough experiences in life. Grief is up there, close to or at the top.

I'm sorry, Tyson. It is a painful road to trek.

Don't let anyone (at work, in your extended family, etc.) put a limit on your grief journey. It is a journey. It is work. It does not end at a specified time. It takes however long it takes for you.

You will adjust, adapt, begin to accept more easily - and eventually move on to recalling the best memories when you think of the loved one you(s) you have lost.

Don't let anyone hurry you.

If you don't deal with grief now, I am told you will deal with it later.

I have been through losing four (4) parents in the past 20 years; my step-mom in 2002, my step-dad in 2006, my dad in 2011, and my mom in 2015. I still miss them all, and always will. I am an ass around the dates of their deaths, and freely admit it to people. I try to put it in the cardboard box in the attic for the rest of the year. Some years I succeed, and some I do not succeed. Therapy never helped me at all with my grief; I tried with each one. Only time helped me dull the pain I felt and still feel.

As others have said though, be sure that you do grieve her passing or try to grieve your loss. If you don't do that, you will never get past it.

Best of luck to you,

I'm so sorry, Tyson. I lost my mom just over a year ago; like you, I wasn't there when she died. I had been there a few days earlier with the rest of my siblings--the last time we were all together as a family--and I had purchased a ticket to fly back April 5. She left the day before, Easter Sunday, April 4. I was a day too late.

I've experienced some of the same things you mentioned: inability to concentrate, lack of motivation, not taking joy in things that made me happy before, but underneath it all a nervous energy. I happened to have bought my first home just a few weeks before, and in the months after she died I found that I could busy myself with the many projects and updating I wanted to do. At the same time, I was in my last semester of an engineering program and had to withdraw from a materials class because I simply couldn't concentrate when I sat down to study--the first time in my life I haven't been able to complete a course.

I wish I could say it gets better, but a year on I don't feel much different. The best analogy I can come up with is that loss is like a block of concrete; over time, the edges seem to get worn down and blunted, but the block itself will always be there, sitting in the middle of your life, maybe shoved into a corner in the future but still there. I guess it's just something we learn to accept over time.

Hang in there.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/27/2022 09:11AM by Anziano Young.

Thank you for mentioning "nervous energy." I was so anxious when my dad died. It was like the news of his death spread so quickly and the phone just started ringing, ringing, and ringing. It was overwhelming. I was still trying to process the fact that he died and people were wanting to know funeral arrangements, it seemed while his body was still warm. My elderly mom was still alive and our whole situation changed that day. It didn't help when people started asking for my parents belonging-- while my mom was still alive.

Tyson,
Sounds like you are grieving appropriately. Sometimes I think it is better to spend time with people who have gone through or are going through the same thing. If you think you have clinical depression, I would seek out a professional. Otherwise, I think grief is something that is a natural reaction to the death of a loved one, and takes some time to work through.

My dad died four years ago and just out of nowhere, I would start thinking about him and start crying. It took about a year for that to resolve. My mother passed away this past January. I miss them both terribly.

You can't beat yourself up about not being there at the moment of death. I know it is hard, but do your best not to go there. We can't be somewhere 24/7 and especially so when we don't know when the exact moment of death will come. If we could know the exact moment, we would all do things differently.

I don't know your religious background, but an alternative may be to attend a local non-LDS church that has a Grief Share ministry in place. You could attend just the Grief Share part and not necessarily have to do the church thing. Perhaps an online group of those who are grieving.

Just some thoughts and ideas. Best wishes to you as you navigate the grieving process.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2022 04:52PM by kantgomo.

I will be taking part in an online group meeting/seminar for adults grieving parents taking place at the big name school that I alluded to above, so we'll see how that goes.

Not being there is especially hard on me, because when the hospital called to get us in there, it went to a family member's phone who didn't hear it - and the hospital didn't try calling me as the backup. As a result of missing the first call, we were literally 15 minutes late getting to the room. That's the hard part. We could have been there, if the hospital had followed its own rules about calling family contacts.

I had looked at GriefShare, but I'm an atheist, and it looks a bit too bound up with Christian denominations for my taste.

Tyson

Tyson, I was too late for my mom and left too early, not knowing my Pop was so close to death. DH and I left too early when his sis died, again not knowing death was imminent for her. DH told his mother that he was no longer putting up with her meanness and left. She died an hour later. My friend’s dad died while my friend left his side for a minute to go to the drinking fountain.

I think they go when our backs are turned, and they slip out the back door. I know that sounds crazy, but it happens a lot.

If I had been there for my mom’s last breath, I can see myself screaming, “Mommy, come back!” while clamoring to catch a balloon floating off. And I was 40 years old. Maybe it’s best I wasn’t there.

Sending love and a big hug your way today, Tyson, as we miss our moms this Mother’s Day.

Me too. I was thinking of you this morning, Ty, but didn't feel like talking about anything right now. Later... But take care of yourself.

I have no advice Tyson, but I am thinking of you as you heal from the loss of your Mom and other family members in close concert. I am mourning as well. I became a widow 12 weeks ago. I can't give you advice, because I don't have any wisdom to share with you on this mourning thing. I'm just so sorry you hurt.

Very, very sorry, Wings.

Sorry to hear that, wings. Best to you dealing with your loss.

Tyson, I hope things are getting a little better.

My condolences also, wings.

I am so sorry Wings {hugz}. It is such a complex issue. I know you are doing "one day at a time" but do try to fit yourself in there too.

I'm sorry, wings.