Posted by:
Tyson Dunn
(
)
Date: September 13, 2022 06:07PM
Taking a cue from Amazon, the church can open LDS Hub(ris) Lockers.
Your temple recommend opens a locker that is specific to just you! It has the name of the person you're going through for, a set of Jesus jammies, and a set of one-use codes that are sent to your phone to unlock even more fabulous kingdoms.
Before your temple trip, you fill out your temple worthiness form, by uploading last year's tax return, and the church's computer compares your tithing on record with the return. Then you get to decide whether you want to pay for an upgrade to "worthy" status (tithing up to date), or for a fistful of dollars more, move up to "born in the covenant" (+$1000), "leadership" (+$10,000), or "second anointing" (+$100,000, recurrent monthly fee).
Your one-time codes allow you entrance to the various packages: the lone and dreary world (a door marked this way to the Egress), the telestial kingdom VR experience, the terrestrial kingdom upgrade (leather chairs with cupholders), and the deluxe celestial kingdom model (apparently, part of the metaverse - or so I've heard).
Skip all the matrons, patrons, and halitosis. No more handshakes - just a bunch of Buzzfeed quizzes: "only 1 in ten Latter-day Saints know this one sick trick to obtaining celestial glory!"
Tyson who only gets on exmormon.org now when he's sick and slightly silly