Posted by:
eternalsmile
(
)
Date: November 08, 2022 02:59PM
One of my favorite quotes of all time applies here:
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Edit: To be clear, I'm not at all saying your mom is coming from a place of hate. From what you've said, I don't believe that's true. I think another opposite of love could be disconnection from another's feelings in favor of perceived morality, or in short, "shoulding" on people.
I'm going to try not to be too heavy on the advice here, but he's being pushed, hard, from one side already. I think the last thing you want to do is start pushing from the other side. That isn't going to help him shake off the pressure, center himself and make a self-full decision (ie, not selfish, but also not selfless).
This situation kind of reminds me of my college investment club. The prof in charge decided on a president by fiat, but left the vice pres position up for vote. I tossed my hat in the ring, along with several others.
He gave each of us a couple minutes to make our pitch to the members. I was among the last to make my pitch, and after having heard the others use their full two minutes listing their accomplishments and reciting their resumes, I stood up, said, "I'm [eternalsmile], I'll do the job." and sat back down. I won by a landslide.
Sometimes less is more, but more to the point, sometimes it's less about saying what you want them to know, and more about knowing what they don't want to listen to. They need us to see what they're feeling (such as boredom in my case, or pressure in your case) and not contribute to the problem. They'll like us more for doing that, and any salesman worth his salt will tell you when you're trying to influence a decision, them liking you is 80% of the battle.
It may be counter-intuitive, but I'd encourage, rather than "talking to him", you very willfully *listen* to him. Be interested in his thoughts and feelings and process. Ask what factors he's considering, what needs he's weighing, what specific feelings he's having. Empathize. Ask him if he feels pressure to go or not to go. Ask where the pressure comes from... bishop, YM leaders, friends, your mom... you... even from within himself (is he "shoulding" on himself? Internalized pressure can be the most difficult kind to deal with). Ask him what happens if he sets the pressure aside and thinks of the decision solely in terms of what he would enjoy. Resist the urge to weigh in with your opinions or thoughts or input unless he pointedly asks for them.
In short, from his perspective, the most helpful thing you can likely do is just to listen and connect with what's already going on inside him. You can help him deal with that just by listening and empathizing, and from there he'll see more clearly and be more able to make a decision based on his own values.
Edited 7 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2022 06:21PM by eternalsmile.