Dear friends,

I've been lurking here for a number of years now. Thanks for your involvement in this site. You have helped me a lot, Elder Berry, Susan, SusieQ#1, cl2, etc. Please don't be offended if I didn't thank you by name.

I guess I'm now finding myself at a point in life where perhaps I'm ready to take another step. Please don't be too harsh. If I say something that offends you it might just be a misunderstanding, so please don't jump to conclusions. I can take any and all criticism, no matter how rude or uncomfortable. I'll be okay. It's just that I feel much better when people are considerate, thoughtful and gracious.

The things I've seen, I can't unsee.
The things that were done to me can't be undone.

The things I've come to understand through experiences, be it voluntarily or involuntarily, are an integral part of who I am today.

I would like to be accepted as a human with these experiences.

I don't want to be part of a club where the price of entry is the continuous demonstration of one's willingness to deny an important part of reality.

I know that I'm not the only one who has seen things he shouldn't have had to see.
I'm not the only one who has had things done to him that no human should have to experience.

Here is the advice that I'm hearing: Don't bring it up. Your date does not want to know about this stuff. Your coworkers don't want to know about it. Your family doesn't want to deal with this stuff. If you try to tell people about it, they will not want to be your friends anymore, so keep it to yourself. Go see a professional counselor. He can help you deal with it.

They seldomly if ever specify how this professional is going to be of help. It often feels more like a way to offload the problem to someone else.

My main issue with this type of advice is that I'm not looking for professional help so that I can learn to be quiet. I'm already pretty good at that. I get it, the show must go on, as they say. But does it really? Yes, the system will crush anyone and anything that threatens it's existence. And yes, many have tried to live authentic and honest lives and failed. So what? It's my life, as the song goes.

I'm looking for help so that I can become conscious of how I'm feeling. Often I'm under the impression that I might be feeling something, but that there's no outlet for that feeling. If I cry, will there be someone there that will hear my crying? Life is harsh.

I'm a romantic. I will never stop believing that there is purpose in honesty and kindness. I will never stop believing in love.

I'd like to feel sad and cry; I'd like feel feel angry and hurt; I'd like to feel love and all the feelings in between. But alas, I'm not feeling much, as everything must stay repressed until — what? I don't know what?

I called the national helpline once, late at night, a few years ago, when it seemed like the right thing to do. After hearing just a little part of my story, the person on the other end said that what I was recounting could not be true. "It's simply not possible. It's not believable." Well then, I guess that's that. Thanks for taking some time to listen. I'm already feeling slightly better.

One theory that I'm considering is this: We live in an oligarchy with an established dominance hierarchy. Social control is pervasive. People are weak. They are herd animals. They don't want to be singled out. Rather, they want to fit in. So when there's something that went wrong, they want to distance themselves from that thing that happened. That this act of distancing oneself also means that there's a human there that they are distancing themselves from, a human that didn't choose to be there, see that, submit to that. This must remain an afterthought. The illusion must be kept alive, humanity be damned.

"The church is perfect, but it's members are not." Well then, whom are you serving? The church or your community? The church doesn't need you, it's already perfect. Your neighbors needs you.

From Matthew, chapter 25 (KJV)
31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
44 Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.

Nowadays, I guess if you take time to be there for someone — without getting paid — you're just stupid. I know that's not true for everyone. There exist people who will listen, understand and, without being condescending or judgemental, offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. Hence this post.

So, dear friends, how do you deal with stuff?



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/21/2022 09:28PM by adam.

“Authentic love doesn’t require you to betray yourself and your own needs. Authentic love supports you in becoming who you actually are and uplifts you in the moments you are at your lowest.” Dr. Nicole LePera

I agree with you here.

It helps that I found someone who loves me and listens to me. I get you. You have to tell someone. Most people aren't safe and that's the problem in the first place.

Thanks, that sounds like the right way forward.

Here's what I'm now wondering: Did all the negativity get to me? I think it did, to some extent. Having people in your life that value you, for who you are, that respect you, can have a healing effect. Some people will disparage you. Those are probably not good people to be around.

I have three hypers I deal with daily. Hyper sensitive, hyper vigilant, and hyper sexual.

My success in my life with people seems to correlate to how well I can mitigate their power over my behavior.

The hyper vigilant can have me guessing bad motivates and second guessing innocuous behaviors of others.

It is a hard life Adam. But it is what we're know. With conscious efforts to combat the demons it can be easier to live with them. Speaking your stories to caring voices is some of the best medicine for trauma. There just aren't a lot of people who care.

I deal with those hypers daily and I wish I did not. Taking supplements to try and calm it down atm.

Its true that most people are not safe so you have to use your discernment on who is trustworthy and who isn't.

Every man is an island.

Build bridges, but chose carefully what material(s) you use.

You're not perfect, grant that same privilege to those to whom you give your affections.

Don't be an enemy and just maybe you won't have any.

Be a lover and maybe you will have many...

Be true to your school...

Etcetera, or as they say in México, etcétera.

Thanks. If I would like to be accepted, I can learn to accept others the way they are, too. Sometimes, out of frustration, I've not been as respectful towards others as I could have been, theoretically. That's okay, nobody is perfect, but it's something I can work on.

It can take years to work through severe trauma, but if all goes well, things can slowly improve over time. More people experience trauma than you think.

I experienced trauma as a child and a teenager. It took me a good 15 years to work through the worst of it, with lingering effects for years afterwards. What helped me the most was having other things to focus on. I moved several times (to Colorado, NYC, and eventually Maryland.) I went back to school to start a new career that has been interesting and absorbing for me. I built healthy relationships. Basically I fixed as much in my life as I could fix to make things measurably better for myself. I suppose you could call that self-care.

IMO you want to share something of yourself with friends and loved ones without getting to the point of constant trauma dumping. If that's pretty much *all* one is talking about, even years later, then it's time for professional help. Even friends who care about you a whole lot don't want to feel used. It's a fine line.

I find it difficult to find a healthy balance. On the one hand, if I overshare, I get hurt. If I expect too much of others, they might pull back. On the other hand, if I don't open up I have to deal with everything alone, which can be overwhelming and a hinderance to developing friendships.

Life is finding balances unless you have the a situation where you can indulge yourself.

Looking back, I regret not trying to find balance more when I was younger.

I was told recently that everybody experiences trauma not just a fraction of the population. Could be true I don't know.

My therapist saved my life. He was the only one who would listen. He is very intelligent. Everyone else didn't want to have to deal with what I was going through. They wanted to believe "Colleen" is always okay a I've always been the one in my family who took care of everyone. After the worst was over, it hit me how they pretended it wasn't happening, that they left me to figure it out myself.

I'm pretty much "healed" until my "ex" will say he is going to load up his travel van and got St. George to stay for the winter and leave me here with our mentally ill son, who has good days and bad days. Today has been a bad day. I've noticed that holidays LIKE Christmas trigger a lot of people. I worked really hard over the years to make it good for my kids and those I care about.

But in the end, it was talking to my therapist that brought me this far. I know I'll never be completely okay. I'll carry the trauma with me, but I don't have to "live in it" everyday. Hell, I live with the gay man who left me and left me to take care of everything for the kids, etc. I kept this house and NOW he pays to be able to live here downstairs. We get along well unless he triggers me and makes me feel he will abandon me with our son to deal with.

I can continue to live and function, and I do live well I believe considering. I get up everyday and I walk the dogs and work for a few hours (even though I'm retired and don't have to, but like to do medical transcription). Typing has a rhythm. It calms me down. I clean some part of the house every day. I stay busy. I don't lay on the bed all day like I did the year after he left.

So 65 and I'm still healing and I know I'll be working on it the rest of my life. Mormonism is a very destructive religion and we bear the scares. My youngest brother does, I do, for what little time my son was in mormonism, he does bear the scars. He was just telling he was outside singing follow the prophet with his own words. He asked if I heard it and I didn't, so maybe it wasn't too terribly loud.

Right now I'm dealing with him thinking the FBI is watching him (us). Showed me where the cameras are. He thinks some of the neighbors are spying on us. It has been a fun morning. He calmed down when he started to suspect we might call the cops.

I have my dogs. My dogs are WONDERFUL therapy. They are my reason for living. They really are. They both were diagnosed with diabetes recently and I fell apart. All my dogs have helped me make it through some really rough times, but I don't dwell in those times. Actually I dont' see many people and I don't talk to many people. Those I do talk to know the whole story. We just talk to each other about what problems we are having in life. My best friend has had a much harder life than I have. We talk daily.

I know we have to talk about the bad, but find something good to talk about, too. Think of something good that happened today OR tomorrow or a week from now. I'm trying to think of what is good right now. My daughter and her husband are home from Alaska. I tend their dog, too. It gets to be a zoo around here as they all have to eat their meals on time, BUT they don't want to. It is crazy and I feel crazy, but I sure love my dogs. If you can get a dog, you might think about it.

P.S. I've been going to my therapist on and off for 25 or 26 years. Shows you how much I needed it. Hard to find a good threapist. Not to advertise but he does do phone call appts. mydocdave.com I don't know if that was okay to put on here or not. Feel free to delete it.

Thanks for your thoughts on this matter. I'm grateful that you are here, contributing, giving life meaning through small acts of kindness.

and I blame a lot of the reasons on the church. My youngest brother and I were talking about the worthiness interviews about 10 days ago. We never discuss sexual things and didn't in our family, but we got talking about the mind F that mormonism is when it comes to sexual things. And male and female roles in life, etc., etc.

Mormonism was not kind to any of my siblings and wasn't to my mother either. My dad didn't take a lot of things very seriously. He attended when he chose to. Didn't go back to the temple for 25 years (when my sister got married). He thought the temple was bizarre. So did I. He talked to me about it once he knew I wasn't going back. I was his most devout child, so he was careful what he brought up.

But he didn't care what they thought.

But all my siblings are out now except our disabled brother. He is mentally and physically disabled. He had a stroke at birth, he drank paint thinner at 18 months, he got hit by a pickup on his bike at age 5 and was in a coma for 2 weeks. There are some mormons that treat him well who knew our parents and they treat him pretty good. There are those who don't. He gets something out of church as long as my aunt and uncle don't try to guilt him into going to the temple, etc.

Mormonism was very damaging to us. We all live with it in some fashion in a negative way. I've probably healed from it more than the rest as I've chosen to go to therapy all this time. I'm the one everyone runs to for help or to talk to, and nobody listens to my problems much. So I had to find a therapist. As my son sits out on the back porch where he can see what I'm writing if he chooses to. He is out of his mind right now. He has paranoia about all the neighbors and he has these ideas of what they are doing and have done. He will probably need to go into the hospital. He was just banging on the back fence because of something those neighbors did--HE SAYS. I'm sure they didn't.

Life is a "joy" every day??? My dogs help me a lot, but they have been sick and that is tough to take. I'm 65. I've had enough of life. I still go to my therapist. He is my escape and someone I can discuss everything with. He is an exmormon so he gets all the insanity that mormonism is and can zero in on why I'm feeling like I do.

I hope you have some peace in your life. Mormonism is a horrible way to be raised. It is a very abusive organization.

Yes, that's what I hope for, too, some peace in life. Thanks.

Was really hoping your son got the courage to run away from that psychopath father of his by now but I know better than most its not easy. I wish you luck cl2. You figured out one side of the coin being the religion being false but never figured out you married a psychopath that basically conned you as my father conned my mother into marriage as well. A lot of your son's mental illnesses are from living around a psychopath parent for most of his life of this I have no doubt. Been reading your posts for like 10 years. You might as well just call your son the badass for he is me with the same psychopath father dynamic from hell itself. And yes a sidenote here that all male psychopaths are gay FYI.

Anyways good luck from the 'craziest' most 'mentally ill' person on the planet

The former badass
Adam

And yes I have been reading your posts for like ten years and you married a psychopath sorry if I am the first person to tell you but it might as well be me as I was born in the same situation as your son.

FYI psychopaths don't look like Freddy Krueger.

Lata

I stopped reading when you used the word "Oligarchy". Yeah go find a counselor.

You missed this good part after that.

"So when there's something that went wrong, they want to distance themselves from that thing that happened. That this act of distancing oneself also means that there's a human there that they are distancing themselves from, a human that didn't choose to be there, see that, submit to that. This must remain an afterthought. The illusion must be kept alive, humanity be damned."

This is pervasive in American society and especially Mormonism. In fact Mormonism makes distancing themselves from humanity in favor of cold dead perfections a virtue.

Thanks for this.

I was assuming that people on this forum would be familiar with the wide-ranging kinds of abuses of power that can occur within any given hierarchical system, the history of the LDS Church providing a good example for that.

Obviously, if someone has suffered severe trauma, it can be beneficial to consult a therapist who has the necessary training and experience to help them in the best way possible. Also, there exists a wide range of medical, psychological and social problems for which there are specialists that can truly be helpful. However, even the best counselor cannot provide his clients with an equivalent substitute for a supportive family, loyal friends, neighborly neighbors, good colleagues, flexible and understanding employers, a welcoming religious congregation, a healthy habitat, etc. That's why it bothers me when I hear someone say to someone in need that they should go see a therapist while at the same time absolving themselves of any further obligations towards the person in need. At the end of the day, we are still humans, and one doesn't need a university degree to be a kind and caring human being. Often all it takes to help someone along the way is to be there for a while, listen, give them a hug and wish them well.

Think of the parable of the good Samaritan attributed to Jesus. The good Samaritan did not think: this guy lying by the wayside here is someone else's responsibility. He brougth this upon himself. He should not have travelled on this dangerous road by himself. Everybody knows that there have been multiple robberies in this area recently. I have my own business to take care of. I need to prioritize my own family. No, he saw a fellow human being in need and did what he could to help. The pharisees on the other hand were more worried about following the rules and staying “pure” than about being a fellow human being.

I guess one thing I could learn from this conversation is that I should not get hung up about the fact that someone or some group of people is indifferent, cold-hearted, dogmatic, cowardly, stuborn, ideologically possessed, addicted to distractions, unwilling to learn and change, or worse. I already have enough stuff to deal with. Let them deal with their own stuff, if that's the attitute they want to show towards me. If they want to distance themselves from me, maybe it's for the better. When I can accept this reality, this could open up some time and space for other, more friendly people, to enter my life.

The problem comes when 80% of what you have to say to your friend (or family member) is about your trauma. That's what I refer to as, "trauma dumping." It wears out your friend. Your friend wants to listen, wants to help you, but is not a professional counselor. Even if they are a professional counselor, that's not what friendships are for.

So what I'm saying is, make sure that there is balance in your friendships and other relationships. Sure, share some of your trauma. But also share about your work, your interests, your hobbies. Don't wear out your friendships.

If a huge chunk of your conversation with others is about your trauma, that's when it's time to call in a professional.

Thank goodness Adam can talk about it here.

Absolutely.

The problem with therapy is that most insurance plans cover only ten sessions per year. Which is something, but often not nearly enough. And it is difficult for low-to-moderate income people to afford sessions on their own. I wish our country paid more attention to mental health.

+1

I say fuck it all and get drunk.

It was a liberating feeling to discover that I had the option to tell people to take a hike when they deserved it.

Getting drunk is not something I want to try out. A lot of abuse happens while people are drunk. I appreciate the encouragement to allow myself to let go, though, and enjoy some personal freedom. This can be a life saver, especially when one has been conditioned to be super strict with oneself.

All alcohol does is take your inhibitions away. If you want to see the real person get them drunk. The quiet boring Secretary becomes the life of the office Christmas party when she’s had a few. Some people become more happy when they get a bit loaded. The angry drunk is a person who has a lot of pent up anger and frustration. Once alcohol takes the social filter away you see what they have been hiding. Maybe that’s why the LDS church leadership fear alcohol. It brings the true person out. Truth is what they want to keep hidden.

I agree to stay clear of the alcohol for the most part. It's not good for an abuse survivor to drink alcohol in my opinion.

Worst advice ever but hey I'll raise a non-alcoholic beverage to your new year.

I believe that we don't get *over* things but rather that we get *through* them.

Best of luck to you, adam



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/26/2022 10:07PM by cinda.

Getting through it sounds easier that getting over it.

Getting over something seems to imply that it can be unseen and undone, which it can't. Getting through something sounds like a voyage to another place, difficult at times, but worth the effort.

Thanks for the encouragement.

I agree that "getting over it" is a bad phrase and concept.

I agree with Elder Berry, life is finding balance.
The universe is about balance.
Nature is about balance.
Find your balance.
Nobody else can find it for you.

This is a fascinating concept.

Generally speaking, based on statistics, we are happier when we are healthy, when we're outside in nature regularly, when we have a spouse that loves us, have sex a few times a week, a family that supports us, meaningful and challenging work, a cozy abode, children that are healthy and flourishing, a good amout of extra cash in the bank. So much of this is outside of our direct control.

Living a balanced life is a more fundamental concept. One can be at a point in life when one struggles to meet even the most basic needs of oneself and of one's dependants. Still, one can always strive to find balance in what one does, to some extent. It's a higher goal and at the same time it seems more attainable. There's some immediate satisfaction in knowing that one has taken a step towards a more balanced way of living. It's the best we can do. Expecting more of ourselves would just be cruel.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/26/2022 11:15PM by adam.

I agree 100%.
We tend to focus on ‘the pursuit of happiness’ in America to the exclusion of all else, due to the fact it is enshrined in our Declaration of Independence as an inalienable right and as MORmONs we were always focused on following ‘The Plan of Happiness’ as if it were a thing we could possess indefinitely once we caught it or arrived in a destination called ‘happiness’.
When in reality, ‘happiness’ is just a fleeting elusive emotion, that is more fleeting the more we pursue it. It is one of many emotions on the whole spectrum of emotions. And our emotional needs are about in the middle of our hierarchy of needs. Well-being has more to do with fulfillment of our higher needs, finding meaning and purpose from our existence, learning and self esteem, self actualization and ultimately, transcendence of our own needs, to realize our oneness with ‘others’ and ultimately, the universe.
So that’d be my advice, focus on well-being, and balancing fulfilling all of your needs, especially your peak needs.

Interesting. Looking at our own emotions can help us to figure out what we can do to be more in balance. Has one emotion become too dominant? Is an important emotion seldomly felt? Perhaps it's time to make a change in life.

For example, some people are constantly seeking excitement. They become fickle, unreliable, overly spontaneous, superficial. They can't see things through, as that would require some committed effort even when it's not fun. They lack endurance. They avoid dealing with problems. Problems are not fun, but dealing with some of them can lead to new possibilities.

Maybe I've lost some of the playfulness that I used to have. In theory, one learns a lot through playing. I have developed a habit of overthinking things. Discoveries are often made by chance, when we just diddle around, when we daydream, when we do things without aiming for something specific. Efficiency has become a too dominant goal.

no big ups and no big downs. I know they are going to happen as they do no matter what. I don't have any big expectations, but more just keep it to where life is level. Mine isn't right now and I don't know when it will be again. I have bursts of level. I should go to my dad's farm. I hated that place. We had to sell it, but the guy was someone my dad mentored. I hated working there. BUT now I find my peace there. I find my family there who have passed away. It was a family farm for several generations.

Me, the one who hated the farm--and it is where I find peace now. I should go there sometime soon.

There are places to find peace. You stated them. I find peace when I walk even if I just take the dogs a mile, but it was too cold and now I have one with pancreatitis and he isn't up to walking. I need to start walking by myself so I can go further. Music helps me.

Christmas was not something I wanted to deal with, but I gradually decorated and did it different than I usually always do. I enjoyed the decorations. I prepared myself for the fact that my son would probably cause problems. He didn't. He just stayed in bed while our daughter and SIL were here. Then I went to see my 2 disabled brothers and take them dinner. My son didn't open his gifts really. He rummaged through them yesterday looking for the tobacco I told him was there as he had run out. I'm not disappointed by my Christmas as I didn't have the expectation it would be a good day. Taking dinner to my brothers and spending time with them for a while. They both asked me to (they don't live together or they'd kill each other). That was the best part of my day.

The trials you have make mine seem smaller. Hope your new years is good!

Adam, I enjoyed reading your post!

Having worked in the medical field in drug research - now retired - I learned that many diseases/disorders cannot be cured; they can only be "managed".

When dealing with stuff such as grief,regret, mental/physical trauma, I remind myself that just like in medicine, there ain't no cure. You manage these issues by keeping your mind in a healthy place.

How to do that? Don't turn to "inward thinking" or ask "Why me?"

Inward thinking leads to isolation, bitterness and mucho pain.

What's more, there's no pain check-valve for those in isolation.

I have a divorced friend who is always telling me about her whacko Ex. Yes, he's a whack job. But her inward thinking keeps her forever bitter and isolated. She's stuck.

Suffering in silence dosen't help her. Her only relief is to have others feel her pain.

In my opinion,the human brain is default-wired to engage in bitterness and isolation, as well as adopting an abiding sense of grief.

You have to reject these 3 states of mind to be successful in dealing with your "stuff".

If you can't do this on your own, a therapist may help.

And that's why folks suggest therapy. Therapy's designed to help the mind avoid morbid, whacked out forms of default thinking left over from caveman days.

I've suggested therapy/talk to my friend, but she's forever dimissed it. She likes being unhappy, and there ain't no hope for her. She refuses to put her mind into a healthy place. She lives in a cave.

The opposite of inward thinking is taking outward action: engaging in compassion and empathy, for yourself and others.

Those who know terrible pain will want to help others avoid it.

You're on the way to do that. Congrats!

Glad she has a tolerant friend.

Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick, so the assholes in your life know where to throw the water.

I really liked reading these posts. Everyone has various ways of dealing with stuff. When I was younger and under stress I used to tense up and hold my breath. All of my emotions would build up and build up like water behind a dam, until what came out was angry, embarrassing, hurtful or humiliating. In my fifth decade I’ve started to work on learning to breathe properly. Breathing deeply and slowly for a little bit each day helps me relax the tension that gets into my gut, my brain and my diaphragm. It’s a small thing and it helps me to better deal with my stuff. Oh and off and on therapy over the past twenty years has helped immeasurably.
Good luck, Adam.

100 percent agree with you on the breath and I'm in my fifties. That is the age Socrates says should be old enough to rule. It seems to be an interesting insight from over 2 thousand years ago.

to be there for us like Adam has expressed. It was actually my son who hung around with me all the time from the time his dad left us. His sister runs. She spent every Friday night at a friends' house for all of middle school. My son would go for rides with me and we'd talk. He wrote an amazing poem about me some years past and I have it hanging on my bedroom wall.

I wish I could do more for him than I seem capable. I listen and I'm here. Thankfully, his father has been looking into sources that can help.

I have found that talking to those who have been through similar circumstances are the best ones to talk to other than a therapist. I joined a group of ex-wives of gays that was started by Emily Pearson. It seems my "husband" was the one who told me about the very small group at the time. They wanted to hear my story and I wrote it.

I then ended up talking to a lot of the women. Most were just finding out their husbands were gay. I still talk to a few of them fairly regularly. It has been at least 20 years since I started talking to them.

I asked my sister about the letter I received from Boyd Packer in 1984. She and her husband were there when I received it. They are the only two who read it as it was so bad, told me how horrible I was for writing to him, berating me for who knows what since I don't have it anymore, and she said, "It was such a horrible time that I don't remember what it said, only that it was SO BAD." If they hadn't been there when I got it, I may not have survived. I had a premonition it was coming that day and stayed home from work and they just showed up. They were in college then.

Sometimes I have found that I don't like to hear what others have to say to me like she told me once that her self esteem would improve if I'd just get my divorce. HERS? I learned to be careful about talking a lot as I'd get all kinds of advice I didn't need to hear and it would cripple me for a while. Well intentioned advice. My therapist, when I told him what she said about her self esteem was I needed to make a decision. He said you don't have to divorce him or you can divorce him, but it will help you to make a decision one way or the other. That evening, my "husband" stopped by to do whatever and he was horrible. And I knew immediately I didn't have the emotional strength to do the divorce. It has been many years since that evening and it worked out better that I didn't get the divorce, but the therapist is who can help you sort through the crazy advice people give you. I know my dad wished I would divorce him, but he never told me to. He didn't say a whole lot about that subject. I'd hear it from others like he wished my "husband" was dead. I have to admit I chuckled when I heard that. It is so my dad. To protect me.

You learn over time who you can talk to and who you shouldn't talk to. My "husband" has been talking to NAMI about our son. NAMI used to meet in person, but COVID ended that. I forgot about NAMI and my sister told me about it. My mom went to NAMI. If she got nothing else out of it, she had a support system.

Holy hell this thread hit me hard. I like your name by the way. This resonates with me because as many survivors here know that I have seen many many professionals. Only one and it took many years to find this one counselor believed that I had seen some seriously scary sh#t as a boy. Like a demon showing up in my father's face right in front of me at age 12 after I had been strangled by a a scout leader earlier that night. It was almost as if two demons took over the both of them to specifically target me that night. I have seen some true and serious sh#t that only a small handful of living people actually believe me because they were told by God or Jesus himself that actually saw what had happened to me against these entities. Apparently Jesus is not the idiot I took him for like most of the professionals on this planet I learned are. If you don't have first hand experience with a psychopath or someone being ran by a demon you don't much in my opinion from a medical standpoint. What the professionals know is like baby food compared to what I have seen and experienced. No offense some professionals have helped me but most tried to disprove my true experience in religion with demonic entities in leadership and authority positions. Things way beyond the pay grade of this world to help with.

Anyways, if you saw the fake mask of a psychopath come off right in front of your face and saw something demonic even I believe you. I am probably one of they few that believe the crazy sh#t you have seen and experienced in life. I too can not unsee what I have seen and undo what was done to me and Lord knows I have tried many methods to erase or numb or block out the memories. Lately I have been facing them head on and trying to detach them and throw them symbolically in a fire. Trying to heal the heaviness of the memories.

Anyways, I have been made fun of since forever and treated like crap forever by the 'humans' on this planet. There is a portion on this planet that are not even human at all. They can only feel negative emotions only and not any positive such as love, happiness, joy and so forth. I swear that is why I was targeted in the first place is because I was a good kid that could actually feel positive emotions naturally. Psychopaths abuse the hell out of people like us that can feel love.

Anyways, that's enough for now. Be safe out there in public, if someone is lovebombing you heavily and flattering you heavily get the hell out of there that's a psychopath or demon I call them now. And if you still live with one of these 'people' get a plan to move secretly to an unknown location like I did and start completely over. And protect yourself and stand up for yourself because no one else is going to do it for you and stand up for yourself. Like you said no one on the planet cares about what you went through and have seen and experienced and that includes all professionals. You are correct in concluding this. They wouldn't be there at all without the money in play, the professionals. I mainly just wanted someone to give a f#ck even if it was God that finally decided to give a f#ck after the horrific abuse you endured. What is scary is that a couple of people that I was abused by were professionals in the medical field, my parents, a doctor and a nurse and also a teacher part time one of them was later on.

There is a reason no one from my past is allowed to know where I live. Psychopaths track previous victims that they abused till the day they die or the victim dies. The pushed me to suicide many times in life. It's serious what these poor excuses of 'humans' do to people especially their own kids behind closed doors. Maybe read the book a child called 'it'. The book resonated with me and may resonate with you. He thought God hated him the abuse was so bad and too felt that way for most of my life.

Anyways, hang in there man. It's been a long hard road for me but I am still going.


The thought just came to me that some people might think that I am you because of the same name but I assure everyone I don't know this person at all and is not me.

Also taking one day at a time has been very helpful as well. The Al-Anon program has been a decent support for me. Just replace alcoholic with whatever like psychopath and it works.

Anyways, got to get back to work lata. Glad I caught this thread as I am not always on here. There is nothing really for me to debate as I have known all churches are false from a young age. From what I read about Jesus he hated religion and never wanted to start one either. The guy was going up against the pharisees constantly back in the day according to the Bible. Jesus despised religion from what I read so why do religions exist and put his name on the buildings? Money and power basically

I am bumping up this thread because I feel it is really good. You deserve to be noticed and heard and respected Adam for sure not ignored any more.

I was allowed to be heard for the first time here years back so you also deserved to be heard. It is scary to finally talk about abuse that happened over decades while your abusers are still alive. I know this very well. I still believe even now that they would be believed by people over myself to this day because their acting is that good towards the public.

Anyways, just want you to know that one person here supports you and understands where you are coming from somewhat.

Again, just one day at a time. The tortoise beats the rabbits of the world in the end.

It's tortoises all the way down in the universe.

Not sure what that means exactly. If it's making fun of me then ouch.

  
  
  

    "Turtles all the way down" is
    an expression of the problem
    of infinite regress.

    "The saying alludes to the
    mythological idea of a World
    Turtle that supports a flat
    Earth on its back.

    "It suggests that this turtle
    rests on the back of an even
    larger turtle, which itself is
    part of a column of increasingly
    larger turtles that continues
    indefinitely."  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turtles_all_the_way_down


...in the alternative, it means that even as slow as turtles travel, we are all, eventually, going to smash onto the windshield of the Great Attractor at incalculable speed!!!  Seatbelts are NOT going to save us!

Oooooh now I get it. I think haha. Thanks for explaining it so it kind of makes sense to myself. So we are all turtles or tortoises all headed somewhere in the universe or somethin in a very slow race or somethin like that.

I just got a strange feeling that you may be winning the tortoise race right now currently as we speak old dog. I believe I may be in second place though. It's going to be a very slow down to the wire type of finishes I am pretty sure haha.

Hi adam , see my post today to see how I deal with some stuff