A long time ago, my childhood friend got married. She was only 19. I was 18 and had just graduated from high school. I felt free as a bird with so much possibility before me as a young adult. I honestly wasn't very excited for her. She was so young and already being saddled with married life. I was one of her bridesmaids, but of course had to wait outside the temple because I hadn't 'gone through' yet (never did, btw).

Merely a year later they already had a baby and were separating! During the separation I went to visit her and the baby. They were staying with her parents at the time. At this time she told me that she was concerned/found it odd that her husband had been going to gay nightclubs during their separation.

They eventually patched things up, got back together, had more kids, and have now been married over 25 years. Now, even if I didn't know about the gay nightclub 'phase', I would still 100% think my friend's husband was gay. The whole situation makes me sad for all of them. I've never talked to her about it (not my place), but she HAS to know. I cannot imagine going through life pretending like that. They are both pretending (or she pretends not to know). Who knows, maybe they have some kind of understanding. They are both still very TBM, so there's probably too much at stake to turn back now. Besides, her husband is an RM, BYU grad, the whole 9. A 'Mormon catch'. Their youngest is still a kid, so I'm wondering if they'll stop pretending when all the kids finally move out?

It's like I sensed something was off way back in the beginning...

A whole lot of pretending happening in Mormonland.

What could be more important than outward appearance?

I pretended to be a missionary for 27 months.  T'wern't no big thing...

Pretending to be an EQP wasn't that hard, either!

I've even got pretending to be a warm and caring human being pretty much down pat!

I think the biggest problem is that the entire religion and church doesn't value honesty or want to hear honest feelings and or perceptions. They want you to lie and pretend everything is hunky-dory.

That is the unspoken article of faith

Elder Berry Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> That is the unspoken article of faith

Excellent comment, EB

cl2 would know more than I do about your friend's situation.

I do agree that TSCC doesn't want honesty and values conforming to their "ideal." And deviation from said ideal is a grave sin. I kept getting in trouble for being a quiet, nerdy kid; it's probably a good thing I never told anyone about my small crush on a scoutmaster's son. He was one of the few guys my age who was nice to me and quite handsome as well.

Of course, I used to think those feelings were just Satan trying to tempt me. Doesn't help that I'd never heard of bisexuality until I was 19, and that came courtesy of the comic "Hellblazer."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/06/2023 03:28PM by ookami.

My "guess" is that he is gay. My "husband" is from Rexburg and all his friends from Rexburg are gay. All of them married except one. I think it is only two who are still married. One cheats constantly and the other one cheats on and off. Last time he talked to my "husband," he said that even his wife doesn't want him anymore. (We are all 65/66.)

My "ex" or "husband"--whichever, not divorced, separated for forever except we share the house, him downstairs, me upstairs. I HELD ONTO. I need his help with our son and fixing the house. That guy and I talk about the people we see like at the dentist, the dental assistant, is obviously gay and just got married.

One of the ex-wives of gays that I still talk to her ex has remarried and says he isn't gay now. Oh, okay. You just cheat on your wife with men, but you aren't gay.

There is a hell of a lot of pain in these circumstances. A pain that lasts your whole life and it impacts my kids' lives, too. More our son than our daughter. I told my mother YEARS AGO when she asked me if I'd ever go back to church, I told her that I can't support a religion that would do this to their members. She agreed, as did my dad. They were horrified by what happened to me.

Thing is, I just wanted him to stay. I knew I wouldn't do well as a single mom. I would have stayed with him forever and let him cheat all he wanted, just don't leave. I still say I'd have done that, but that situation was denounced by an LDS therapist. My "husband" was supposed to live downstairs and I'd be upstairs. We made it separate. I would have been much happier being parents to our kids and he could go do what he wanted and so could I, but thanks to that mormon therapist, he left and we lived through hell.

No matter what they do or say, the situation has not improved much at all and I found out he is gay 40 years ago.

Oh, and I have a cousin who is gay who is on his THIRD gay/straight marriage.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/10/2023 08:53PM by cl2.

I'm sorry you're the default expert in this situation.

I say I'm bisexual because there are qualities to people that I love regardless of gender. And I say bisexual instead of pansexual because I will admit I'm a little picky when it comes to guys. If it makes you feel better cl2, I hope that my girlfriend and I have the kind of love you write about when you post about your boyfriend. Loving the same person after years should be the ideal in my opinion.

There's this unfortunate reputation that bisexuals cheat on their partners. I personally wouldn't dream of it, as I'd see it as a breach of trust at best, betrayal at worst. I wouldn't want to do that to someone I married. I'm sorry you went through that, cl2.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2023 07:31PM by ookami.

It wasn't easy, but we are at a good point now. My therapist even mentioned that the last time I went to see him. We have a good relationship as parents of our two kids. I'd say I'm at peace with the whole gay/straight marriage business.

It seems to me that this "wonderful, sacred" religion causes more pain than anything else.

I wonder if anyone pretended to be gay as a way to get released from a mission and/or exed, because it was less threatening than telling the Powers that Be that you had decided that TSCC was a crock. I mean nobody would argue with you if you said you wanted to be released because you were gay.

I doubt it is common, but I bet it has happened.

Pretending to be straight OTOH is as common as dirt.

I dunno. Being gay can get you killed, especially in an insular environment. flattop SF’s brother tried to kill him when they were children. Repeatedly. And their mother was okay with the brother beating up on him and even encouraged it. All this based on a hunch because he wasn’t out to himself let alone to his family.

flattop went on a mission to Japan and was there during the baseball baptism scandal.

There are easier and less life-threatening ways to leave.

"Now, even if I didn't know about the gay nightclub 'phase', I would still 100% think my friend's husband was gay."

Why exactly is that? I guess there were other red flags other than his night club choices??

When I was "struggling with same sex attraction" and working/confessing with LDSSS and the Bishop, I was actively encouraged to date and find "the one".

When I pointed out that this was inherently dishonest and unfair to any young woman involved, I was told that didn't matter. She would fulfill the measure of her creation by being mother to my children, so she would be fine. Besides, Jesus was going to heal me, so she need never know about my struggles with my true feelings.

This was the first red flag; the complete disregard for this theoretical unsuspecting young woman. I refused, saving her and our theoretical children from years of debt inducing therapy.

Yes. The LDS church and the therapists they employ really are telling people to just get married, have kids, and they won't be gay anymore. Or even if they end up in a "mixed orientation marriage", at least they're producing new tithe-payers!

I guess some people, like OP's friend, fall for it.

Sad.

me he was gay. They then told me he had to change to straight or be damned. The bishop told me about the be damned part. I knew deep down that he couldn't change to straight. But we were both afraid of him being damned.

The thing I loved was when they told us to experiment and they'd let us get married in the temple. I was told to save myself and now I was supposed to sacrifice myself.

If there are the people on here who have been told to marry, then it is obvious they haven't changed their minds about anything to do with gay. They tie it ALL to sex. They never consider that being gay is part of the whole person. The leaders were very much obsessed with sex and if he'd just have sex with a woman, he'd be okay and never go back to men. They are all a bunch of fools.

SO GLAD we got out.

So much unnecessary mental anguish you all have gone through. My heart goes out to you.

I feel sorrow for how our culture and most religions have treated gay people for so long. It's heartbreaking to realize the internal struggles they faced.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2023 06:48PM by dagny.

+1