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Posted by: cuzx ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 11:27AM

The love of my life passed away at 12:57 AM on Tuesday, April 18th, with a gathering of our children and grandchildren around her in the ICU. It's been one of the most painful, stressful, difficult weeks of our lives.

Thankfully, she was able to share some goodbyes with everyone after they took her off the ventilator and before they stopped her levophed (norepinephrine).

My heart is broken but I am grateful that she is free from pain and suffering. She had been on oral chemo for three months due to myelodysplastic syndrome (bone marrow not producing enough healthy red blood cells). She went to the ER early Sunday morning with chest pain and difficulty breathing. After cardiac catheterization and an echocardiogram, the cardiologist told me she had Takotsubo or stress-induced cardiomyopathy and her mitral valve was leaking badly causing severe pulmonary edema.

At one point, the cardiologist consulted with others about the possibility of attaching a clip to the leaflets of her mitral valve but she was not deemed a good candidate for the procedure.

It's been so hard. Every reminder of her, seen or heard, breaks me down. Our family doctor prescribed some Lorazepam but I don't want to numb the pain. I'm in the bargaining stage of grief: powerful regrets and an intense desire to be with her once again.

On a long walk this week, two thoughts came to me: first, that she has returned to the source of life and infinite love; and second, that I need to be strong and live long for our children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. And then I broke down into sobbing, as I have so many times in the last seven days.

Shortly after my wife's passing, our three-year-old great granddaughter was coming to visit and her mom said that she suddenly shouted, "I love you so much" and she asked her mom if she heard grandma say "I love you so much." She also said, "Grandma is well."

Today is her Celebration of Life at the mortuary in a room called the Atrium. It has a beautiful view of the sky and the mountains facing east. It's a peaceful and beautiful setting, in which I hope my wife's close family and friends will find a measure of comfort and healing.

Two months ago, around her birthday, she said she really liked a poem, "When I Go" by Donna Ashworth, and we included it in her Celebration of Life program with a "Golden sunrise" picture in the background, taken from the top of Diamond Head during our Christmas visit to Oahu in 2010.

One of many songs we'll be playing in the background is "I'll Be There" by The Escape Club. I remember playing it over and over on a solo return trip from Southern Utah, as I was anxious to get home to my Love.

Through tears and hugs,

Cuz X

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2023 11:34AM by cuzx.

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Posted by: Eric K ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 11:35AM

I am so sorry Cux X. Such a thoughtful post. She was indeed fortunate to have you in her life and for her to be in yours. A wonderful combination of two extraordinary individuals. Sending you comforting thoughts.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 11:36AM

Though they come from acute sadness, your emotions and your expressions of those emotions, very much honor her and what you shared. Thank you for sharing.

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Posted by: dagny ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 11:42AM

Thank you for sharing with us and letting us know. I hope the acute pain you feel will turn into wonderful memories. You sounded like a wonderful couple and family. Be kind to yourself. She was lucky she had you by her side.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 11:46AM

Cuz X, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know that the burden of grief that you are carrying right now must be awful. Please know that you have the continuing empathy and support of everyone on this board.

That is a sweet story about your great granddaughter. Many people feel that very young children are open to communication from the other side in a way that adults often forget. I personally feel that your loving wife will never be too far from you and your family. And yes, she is now free from the pain.

The hardest and most necessary task for you in the coming weeks will be to take good care of yourself. Make sure that you are eating nutritious meals (even if you have to get prepared foods or takeout,) that you are exercising, and getting adequate rest. Call or visit empathetic family members or friends, and talk it out as much as you need to. Whatever works to keep you going is okay, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When my mom passed, I would give myself little pep talks and self-praise for whatever I could accomplish during the day. This is time for self-care and for care of your family.

We are here for you. Post whenever you need to.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2023 11:46AM by summer.

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Posted by: Soft Machine ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 11:49AM

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 12:05PM

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Posted by: Lot's Wife ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 12:09PM

Thank you for sharing your story, Cuzx. I know how hard this is for you, but you attest to a wonderful relationship and a wonderful love. I hope it is okay that some of us feel admiration and even joy from what you and your dear wife achieved.

In your pain, you and your wife are an inspiration. It is wonderful to love, and be loved, so deeply.

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Posted by: slskipper ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 12:12PM

So sorry.

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Posted by: blindguy ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 12:39PM

Cuz X:
First, I am also sorry for your loss. While losing a parent (I lost my mother last year and my father in 2001) is difficult, losing a spouse is even harder. That said, here is some additional advice you may/may not have heard yet.

1) Don't make any big decisions right now unless you absolutely have to. You are in he grieving process right now, and good decisions are not usually made under that kind of pressure.

2) As Summer said above, take care of yourself. Nobody else is going to do it so you should.

3) The grief will not go away--you will always remember your loving wife for as long as you live. However, with the passage of time, it will be much easier to handle. This advice was handed down to me by one of my mother's sisters, and it really assisted me after my mom's passing.

Concerning your granddaughter's reports, there were a few times when, sitting alone in my bedroom after my mother's funeral, I could swear that I heard her voice from the bedroom across the hall that used to be hers. While I have always believed that it was my own brain and grief playing tricks on me (grief does not allways allow for straight thinking), I also think it is possible that I heard her voice from beyond the grave.

Anyway, these are just some rambling thoughts on this subject from a nevermo. Repeating Summer's statement above, make sure to take care of yourself.

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 12:51PM

All of us here care more more deeply for each other than ChurchCo ever did or ever could, at least we’re out of the emotional void.

Our best for you & your future, join hands & minds with those who grieve & care, cuz

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Posted by: Susan I/S ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 01:00PM

I just don't have the words right now. Know I am thinking of you. You are not alone. I am happy that so many of your family are around you.

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Posted by: unconventional ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 01:05PM

Blessings to you.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 01:22PM

So hard when it has been that beautiful. So sorry.

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Posted by: ookami ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 01:35PM

I'm sorry cuzx.

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 02:28PM


Keep up the long walks, and OK to cry on them. Long walks are the best medicine in the world for a whole bunch of things. Just pay attention at crosswalks.

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Posted by: Kentish ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 04:05PM

cuzx, your post brought a tear to my eye. I cannot image what you are going through and how dark things may seem at this time. I am so sorry for your loss.

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Posted by: sunbeep ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 04:22PM

I'm so sorry for your loss, losing a loved one is not an easy thing to deal with. Take care of yourself.

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Posted by: scaredhusband ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 04:25PM

I'm sorry for your loss. Your memories will live on and her with those memories.

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Posted by: shortbobgirl ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 06:08PM

So sorry, hold tight to your family.

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Posted by: Lethbridge Reprobate ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 08:27PM

Cuz x, you have my most profound sympathy and heartfelt condolences. I know how you feel. Hold tight to your memories of your beloved and to those grieving with you.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2023 08:30PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 08:46PM

I am so sorry, cuzx.

This is so hard to go through, and I empathize greatly with what you are going through now.

I wish I had words to express just how sorry I am.

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Posted by: messygoop ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 11:10PM

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish that I had a magic wand to wave to take away your pain, loss and grief. It sounds like you have tremendous support from your family. Don't be afraid to take up offers for help if you feel so inclined.

We are here for you.

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Posted by: anybody ( )
Date: April 22, 2023 11:13PM

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Posted by: Rubicon ( )
Date: April 23, 2023 12:59AM

Sorry for your loss Cuzz X. A great life with someone is something to definitely celebrate. At least that awful suffering is over. When my dad went after suffering health wise for a long time I actually felt relief that his suffering was over.

You will always have the wonderful memories and your family. I wish you the best during this difficult time.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: April 23, 2023 10:18AM

I'm listening to "I'll Be There" by The Escape Club in her honor right now.

You will just think of her and that is wonderful.

My condolences.

Being there is wonderful. She is always there for you.

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Posted by: Happy_Heretic ( )
Date: April 23, 2023 10:31AM

So Sorry CuzX. Warmest thoughts and wishes for you as you adjust to a new normal.

HH =)

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Posted by: cuzx ( )
Date: April 23, 2023 04:46PM

I actually met with our local PostMo group this morning. They were so supportive. I was honored to share my story with them. The feelings are all so fresh. They offered an attentive ear, hugs, and condolences. We shared some healing laughter about PostMo topics too. It did my heart good. RfM friends, thank you for your kind comments and advice. I take it very much to heart. I am absolutely committed to continue a healthy lifestyle and, as I promised my wife, to be here for my children and grandchildren as long as I may. They were the motive of so much joy in her life. I'm finding some comfort that she is free from suffering and pain; it was a long journey (seven and 1/2 years of nausea and we still don't know why). At least we discovered the cause of her physical weakness in the end and, medically and emotionally, did our best to support her. Even so, I wish I could have done more. What I would give to have one more day with her. For now, it's one day at a time, and, as Donna Ashworth's poetry so eloquently expresses, "just learn to look for me in the moments. I will be there."

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2023 07:34PM by cuzx.

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Posted by: messygoop ( )
Date: April 23, 2023 05:30PM

Thanks for taking the time to keep us updated.

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Posted by: Claire Ferguson Benson ( )
Date: May 01, 2023 05:37PM

Sending sincere condolences and sorrow for your loss.

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