For reasons I won't get into I am not out as an exmo to my family. I am inactive since 2019. I have been out as a lesbian since then and dating one woman since last summer.

I have gotten two visits by elder missionaries this year. Not bad. All four were different and there was enough of a gap that potentially the two that visited last month were not the same that stopped by in May. So the latest ones were not informed of my previous response of disinterest?

I cannot be rude to them.
I cannot tell them that I don't believe.

My family cannot know.

The missionaries. Help me think of things to say to let them know this isn't happening, I'm not interested. Last time, I lost my composure and glared at them and rolled my eyes, giving curt responses to their inane "I'm so important! You've been waitig your whole life to talk to ME!" questions. But then again, they'd interrupted my writing and my two dogs were going berserk in the next room and at the window and it really overstimulated me and made me feel very put upon to placate them and give them attention for what was essentially a meaningless interaction. And they always show up unannounced, as if me blocking missionaries on FB and not answering unfamiliar local numbers, they somehow are trying to be passive aggressive and petty to my attempts to ignore them. I know, I know, it's likely not that deliberate or bad faith. But at the time, I felt attacked, like they're here to waste my time, to interrupt, to wear me down.

I want to be more prepared next time and to make my boundaries clearer without being abusive or cluing them into the truths I know. They're likely far from home right now and really don't need me to give them a mental breakdown. I simply wish to have peace while maintaining peace in my family.

So, I have so far:

"I'm just not interested in having the church as a part of my life. I didn't enjoy who I was when I was trying hard to be loved by god and I'm not interested in changing anything about my life to go back to that. I was very unhappy. I wasn't being true to myself. I tried several times to unalive myself while a member and I haven't since I left.

"So, if I went to church now, with no interest or intention to change, it will essentially be a waste of time to sit there getting talked at for two hours. I know, you want to ignore my personal choice and desires and think that if I just sat in the pew, eventually god and the spirit will influence and manipulate me until I submit, but as already stated, I don't want that. I don't want to become a daughter of god and hate myself. And I do. I hate that person. I like me now. I love my life and I love my girlfriend. You have nothing to offer me that I want."

What do you think? I know they're brainwashed cultists and they can't recognize genuine vulnerability unless it conforms to their ideas, but it's something honest to say. And if they're truly thoughtful, it might hit a nerve? Like, "Oh, yeah, she doesn't want this."

I'm thinking if I say that to them and they STILL come back, upon answering the door, asking "what do you need?"

Let's get right to the point, you know? Don't ask me how I am doing, don't ask when the last time I went to church was, don't ask me if I know anyone who needs to hear a message. Condense it into a singular focus and let me answer with a straightforward manner. No games, little boys.

Thoughts?

Get some kind of sign for your door:

"I don't answer the door for people I didn't invite."

"Day Sleeper!  Please don't knock on my door!"
       (of course, they'll return at night...)

"If you're selling or proselyting, the answer is NO!"
       (Then if you have to answer, big smile, point at the sign!)



...all kinda variations on the theme...

These might help and work. If they can read, that is.

Have you tried spraying them with a garden hose?

XD I wish I could! That would be a very definitive "don't come back!"

It sounds like you're letting them inside. You don't need to do that. You can say "no" or "go away" and close the door in their faces without having to come clean as an exmo. That isn't rude, it's simply asserting your rights as an independent adult.

Since you're already out as a lesbian, you can play up that angle. If your GF is there with you when they stop by, bring her to the door and engage in some low-key smooching or other PDA in front of them, something they won't easily forget. If she's not, show them a photo of you together, preferably performing some kind of affectionate (not necessarily sexual) act. They ought to get the idea.

They are not coming inside. My girlfriend works during the day, but even if she was here, I'd not let them farther than the porch. We talked on the porch both times they visited.

Next time if she is home, I'll try for a bit of low-key PDA to dissuade them from further bugging us.

***Implied swearage ahead***

Too many words, my friend. Look at it this way -- you've been way too nice to them, and nice hasn't worked. Swear at them. Mormons hate swearing.

"I'm a lesbian. The only reason that I am officially still on the roll is for the sake of my parents and family, *not* for your sake. Now you yell at them: [Bleep] off! [Bleep] off! [Bleep] off, you [bleep][bleep] [bleeping] son of a [bleep!] [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you! [Bleep] you!"

You get the idea. Let 'er rip. Tell them to get off your property, and now. Don't put up with their shenanigans.

And if that doesn't work, you can always get out Cheryl's hose.

Oh, I wish I wish! The thing is, I don't know if my parents talk about me at church. I'm sure it's not up to them whether missionaries are sent or not but if I cursed out the missionaries my parents would certainly hear about it.

I feel compelled to do a progressive escalation of refusal? If I tell them my heartfelt story and why the church is not what I want and they STILL come back, a bit of curtness and rudeness can be displayed. Because those are the consequences of ignoring my boundaries. And if they continue to come after being rudely told "go away" THEN some cursing would be warranted. That way, if mom asks me why I would speak to the missionaries like that, I can be like, "Look, I was nice WELL before I got mean."

I used to work for a political survey call center while going to BYU-I and one of the rules was, we put you on a "Never Call Them" List if the person cursed at us, threatened us, or got belligerently angry. To protect the operators from having to suffer through abuse for what were supposed to be voluntary surveys. Maybe missionaries have a similar rule? "She said "penis" enough times and got us wet with the garden hose and threatened us what would happen when her girlfriend got home! PLEASE MP, don't make us suffer and go back! I think she's too hostile to listen!"

I like the idea of progressive escalation.

Maybe -- "I don't want church visitors. Please do not come here again. You are disturbing the peace of my home. I know the way to the ward house, and if I *wanted* to go there, I would go there. I don't want to go, and I don't want the church coming to me, either. Please leave. You are not welcome here." (or some variation of same.)

This is really good, actually! I hadn't thought of that before. My parents don't bug me about church. It only rarely comes up and once in a blue moon either my dad or mom will mention, "If you ever need a ride..."

So, no doubt any missionaries coming over would be from the ward my parents attend. I can point out I have two supportive people who would be thrilled to support my return if ever that was my desire. I don't need to be badgered and continually asked, "ready yet?"

...and THEN I can bring out the hose and foul language. XD

Forgive me for asking, but are the missionaries even allowed to enter any home when only one member of the opposite sex is at home?

I had understood this to be a hard and fast rule.

My last interaction with female missionaries, including dinner, had to be outside as they weren't allowed to enter the home of a single man, even though I could be their grandfather.

If that is a mission rule, you could use that to your advantage.

I also have signs for no soliciting, no preaching and a do not disturb sign when I'm working.

If anyone violates my signs I try and ignore them, or I open the door, point to the sign and slam the door in their face.

If they show up again ask if they are good with helping you work a Ouija board. "not now, but next week sometime. Late at night is best"...

You want to stay kind. How about some version of,
“Thank you for your concern. I am so glad that the church works for you and that you have found happiness there. I am pleased that it brings you joy. One of the things I appreciate about the church is that we allow all to worship how, what, or where they may. I have found joy and peace where I am now. Please respect that. If anything changes I will contact you.”

I like this, short, simple and direct without giving them anything to turn back against you.

Well thought out. I may use it myself.

I agree.

Thank you, @tig. This is a lot shorter, less vulnerable but just as forthright at setting a boundary. I often worry about being misunderstood so I feel like I have to explain. But truthfully, these young men don't deserve my vulnerable explanation. None of them do who come knocking. It should simply be enough, "No thank you."

I have always fount that messing with them really keeps them away. Once they think you are from another planet, they will never come back.

Knock on the door. You answer, "I know who your are, your with the CIA".

They will look confounded and tell you they are not.

Then you continue, "Its just your cover, so the KGB down the street hiding in that car do not know you are CIA. It's all a plot for you to erase my secret website that will cause world peace, and make the War Machine of the world obsolete.

Then look at them weird and say, "Your secret is good with me, but I cannot let you in because I know you really want to erase my secret website."

Then shut the door.

They will never return!

Get a doorbell camera. Screen your doorbell rings like you might your calls.

"I cannot be rude to them.
I cannot tell them that I don't believe.

My family cannot know."

Once upon a time I felt like you. I did not want to tell my family that I no longer believed in Mormonism. My goal was to just not go to church. Well members, missionaries and bishops 2nd councilor showed up unannounced to my door and asked why husband and I haven't been to church in several weeks. So enough was enough and husband and I resigned just so that they would leave us alone. I told my mom that we resigned and my mom told my entire family. First I was hurt and upset about it the longer I was out the happier I am that my entire family knows that we have resigned no more trying to hide that I do not believe in Mormonism anymore.

Both of my parents are elderly. They have both been very accepting and loving of me and my sexual identity. And they're both active but not high religiosity.

Church or religion only comes up every once in a while. Possibly once a month, I have to sit through an impromptu sermon from dad about some gospel topic or theme, and I nod along and say the things he wants to hear. It's one of the only real ways he feels he can help me and I can give that to him. I can let him think I need his help like that and that it has helped. Especially when the bulk of our connections and relationship are based on other things we have in common.

I don't want my last years with them to be filled with contention or them feeling like they HAVE to try to save me. So, under normal circumstances, I am all for searching for and encouraging authentic relationships with people in my life. But I also believe it's not all or nothing. I see them both at least once a week and my girlfriend and I attend weekly dinner at their house. There are parts of our time together that I feel that authenticity and genuine love. I can talk to themabout my projects. I can talk to them about movies and shows they like. I can ask my dad for help when the car breaks or the lawnmower. I can ask my mom for help in the garden or when cooking. Being an atheist isn't all of me, and in fact, it's a small part of my identity.

If my dad were to hear that I do not believe in the church or even Christ, he would be upset. He would want to know why. Anything I tell him about my reasons will make him angry, will make him defensive. I don't want that to consume my relationship. I don't want that to destroy what's between us. I personally don't have the energy to debate and argue. And he's already got a bad heart, it won't be my fault if he has another heart attack but I will feel like I could have done more to bring peace into his world.

I thank you for the advice but it's not actually a point of stress in my life occasionally nodding and pretending for my supportive and loving parents that we believe the same things. And no matter what I say or do with my parents, it won't affect whether the missionaries are ordered to come to my house by their president or the bishop.

Elderolddog has the right idea. Don't answer the door to people you aren't expecting with the possible exception of the emergency services.

Don't slam the door in their face. They're not necessarily bad people. Just don't answer it. Missionaries are always busy and they'll move on to the next assignment. Do this often enough and they'll bother you far less.

Don't bother with the PDA, it may have an effect on young missionaries that you never intended. You are mostly just a name and address to these people and your personal life is of little interest to them.

In my opinion the lds church is all about money. Don't open the door and don't talk to them. You don't owe them an explanation. Of course you could print out the "a letter to a CES director" and when the missionaries come to your door hand it to them. Honestly though the missionaries are young kids 18 to 20 years old they are religious sells people who are not even getting paid for their work. Once the second councilor and his daughter showed up at my door. The daughter was between 12-16 years old something like that. Well I said that I don't believe that God wanted Joseph Smith to marry a 14 year old Helen Mar Kimball and that I don't believe that polyandry is from God that when a woman is already married she should not be married to 2 husbands at the same time. The daughter said "daddy is this true?" And the second councilor said "I don't know". Husband was very upset at me for saying that stuff Infront of the second councilors daughter. I should have not been so confrontational yes Mormonism is false but a "No thank you I will not come back to church" would have been more polite and what I said can be seen as hateful pointing out Joseph Smiths behavior

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Having entertained many a missionary I know how bad they can be. Good luck!

Open door:

"Oh great, missionaries again. I really don't understand why you keep showing up when I am clearly not interested. I am a lesbian and I really have NO interest in supporting a religion that has no place for me or for my partner. Please don't come back again."


If you are feeling like it you could add something about wasting your time and their time when they are supposed to be serving the lord.

Or ask them to mow the lawn, do your laundry etc. The missionaries often ask to do work.