DH left the Mormon church and we moved far away from TBM family years ago. MIL has always seen each additional grand and great grandchild as another tick on her celestial belt (as it were). She speaks of family as a "herd" and procreation as "breeding" (literally). No wonder then that there wasn't a whole lot of closeness between our children and her. Inlaws' efforts to visit were very very few (less than 3 or 4 over decades), and our realization that converting our kids to Mormonism was their top priority, we were thankful for their lack of contact-although we did make many visits across country. Lots of water under the bridge that we have overlooked in order to respect family.

Fast forward, MIL has been stepping up phone contact, with me specifically with over-the-top "sweetsy" language and concern for our lives. I don't buy any of it, not one bit, as anything more than her obedience to the Mormon church to try and bring us back. I've seen it too many times and experienced their efforts to ingratiate themselves with people they are trying to convert.

This situation puts me at an awkward disadvantage, however. How do you handle maintaining a gracious interaction with someone when you know their motives are far less than pristine? I find myself pretending not to hear and changing the subject when she says things that are blatantly opposite of the truth.

notmo

I knew since before we married. His mother started calling me and if I didn't answer, then she'd leave me messages on the answering machine. This has been about 25 years ago.

As my therapist said, phones are for our convenience. We don't have to answer them.

His mother had called me one evening at about 7 p.m. just as my kids left with their dad to go to a movie. They got home about 10 and went to bed. At 3:30 a.m. I finally got off the phone.

I very seldom answer the phone anymore. And haven't for years. I know you are trying keep the peace in the family, but she doesn't have any right to treat you or your children this way. Talk to your kids about not answering. I'm sure they don't enjoy talking to her.

My "ex's" mom told me that the reason this was happening was because we didn't have pictures of Jesus in our house. She wanted to send us enough for every room. She wouldn't know. She hardly ever stepped foot in this house and, actually, I did have pictures of Jesus in most of the rooms in my house. I told her so.

It is like she was a good little mormon as she wasn't. My kids hardly knew those grandparents. She hardly ever went to church. She had bipolar and she stayed in bed all the time.

Put up pictures of a young Obi Wan Kenobi.

Mormons don't know the difference.

Savage. Drops mic. Exits stage left....



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/03/2023 10:02PM by Bite Me.

Hmmmm. Maybe there are other things involved too.

Maybe she is thinking about getting elderly and not really knowing her grandkids. Maybe she feels regret that she never helped you take care of grandkids. Maybe she is afraid no one will check on her if she is alone and elderly. Maybe she thinks she will need financial assistance (I hope not).

Nah. She probably thinks it is her duty to get everyone to church. She's being told at church to keep trying. Sigh.

If she starts bringing up church stuff, you might need to have a talk with her about the church being off limits for you and the kids. It's a good thing you live far away! I tried that but my mom showed up to live in my town. It was not ideal.

I would let your husband deal with her as much as possible. He's her actual son.

I went through a "training" process with a relative who often asked intrusive questions during our phone conversations. At the first intrusive question each time, I simply terminated the conversation in a friendly way -- "Oops! Dinner's on the stove and I have to go tend to it. It was nice to hear from you. Talk to you soon." Over time, it got better, and our relationship improved a great deal over the years. Perhaps that would work for you as well.

They always see you as having "lost" your testimony and what is lost can always be found. So, like your MIL may be doing now, my parents never stopped trying to say "just the right thing" in "just the right voice" to reignite my bosom with the testimony they "knew" I still had. I just sort of went dead and let the conversation become leaden when they did that. Awkward pauses. Throws them off their game.

Sounds like she isn't really laying her cards on the table so it makes it difficult to engage. Staying just under the wire with her comments leaves you looking bad if you react to what she seems to be obviously going for. That is why God invented the idea of pretending to miss their point.


You are indeed caught in an awkward situation. Not necessarily a disadvantage. Take it as a challenge to outwit them in their own game, perhaps? She's playing spider and fly. Opt out and be the bird. Lead the conversation with the fun thing you did last Sunday and how bonding and fun it was for the family which has the underlying message that you were nowhere near a Mormon ward house and glad of that. Lob the sweetness back at her? Kill her with kindness? I dunno.

There was a talk in the most recent General Conference that may have prompted your MIL to increase contact.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/33runia?lang=eng

Here's a little snippet:

"Dad exemplified Lehi’s dream. Like Lehi, he knew that you don’t chase after your loved ones who feel lost. You stay where you are and call them. You go to the tree, stay at the tree, keep eating the fruit and, with a smile on your face, continue to beckon to those you love and show by example that eating the fruit is a happy thing!”

I still get emails from my local ward and they discussed this talk in a Relief Society lesson last Sunday. My guess is that it was the same lesson throughout the church. So, if your MIL has reached out to you recently, this lesson may be the reason.

Yep. That's probably what is going on. Whenever she hears a talk, some lucky inactive kid gets a sweet phone call.

Good, finish driving away any of the one's maybe left behind.

Pretty soon the LDS wards will be so low in attendance they'll be almost convinced that there must have been a rapture!

Why not change the discussion to old memories or other non important scenes every time she starts to talk church or stabs. Just mid sentence go off. She will probably get frustrated and hang up.

There always the old trick. Put down the phone and walk away. You can always say you got distracted sorry.

Being TBM she probably won’t figure it out. Sigh.

Try what has worked for many others.

I do not discuss Religion or Politics. If you start on either I will hang up/leave/ask you to leave.

Thanks.

Then stick to it.

A phone call and religion comes up - hang up the phone. Won't take long for the message to be cemented in her mind.

Personal contact and she starts in, get up and leave. Don't say a word, just leave.

Or, tell her to leave and stick with it. No backsliding.

It does work.