Posted by:
elderolddog
(
)
Date: April 15, 2024 04:28PM
After reading your interesting post, and the responses, I thought to myself, "How can I respond such that it will be both entertaining and instructional?" (I'm all about education, with a laughter chaser to make it go down smoother...or in Gladys' case, 'smoothier.')
...Nothing came to mind... So instead, I made up a story, with neither education nor entertainment as a goal...it's just a story, and while to me it's fiction, it's possible that somewhere, at some time, it all did happen in someone's ward or branch:
Bro. Jessup, the 2nd Ward's new bishop, still had some 'newbie' butterflies in his stomach as he sat on the stand and watched the latecomers streaming into the chapel after the opening prayer. "Goddam it to hell and back; why can't people be on time?!" he thought to himself. "These dumb-ass mother-humpers!!! What if someone reports this to the stake!!"
It was his first counselor's turn to conduct the meeting, so while the first counselor moved to the podium and made a big production of adjusting its height, Bro. Jessup surveyed the half-full chapel, looking for any exposed female flesh.
Then his eye (he'd lost the other one during a poorly chaperoned scout troop outing when a prank involving a minority deacon all the other boys were hazing went astray) landed on an Asian male, looking to be in his late 20s, dressed nicely, sitting alone (obviously, because none of the White people would get near him) next to the aisle in about the middle of the chapel.
Bro. Jessup immediately began looking for the six missionaries (...the OP mentioned six missionaries) assigned to his ward, assuming that the unrecognized Asian must be an investigator. And if that were the case, why wasn't one or a pair of Elders sitting with him?
(Thinking about the Elders and the people they were baptizing into the ward made him grind his teeth...)
With no way to answer these questions, Bro. Jessup had no choice but to sit and stew. (He smiled inwardly as an errant thought about 'stewing' with Sis. Stewart crossed his mind...)
The program droned on, and then it was time for the sacrament. As it did every Sunday, the thought passed through his mind that if unrepented masturbation meant a priesthood holder could not prepare, bless, or pass the sacrament, the ward budget wouldn't strain to buy bread or CK cups...
And then Bro. Jessup watched the Asian man take the bread and then the water and NOT consume them! The Asian man just sat there, holding the piece of Wonder Bread in the palm of his left hand and the cup of water between his right thumb and forefinger!!
While the 'amen' of the closing prayer was still echoing back from the congregation, Bro. Jessup leaped up and ran from the stand, keeping his eye on the Asian man.
"Hey, you! What's the meaning of this?!" (I've never in my lengthy, lengthy life said to another human being, "What's the meaning of this?!")
The startled look directed at Bro. Jessup, by the now trembling Asian gentleman, contained zero indication that he, the Asian man, comprehended Bro. Jessup's meaning. Recognizing this, Bro. Jessup increased the negative energy of his frown and pointed a thick index finger (the right one, the righteous one) at the sacrament cup, still brimming with Christ's metaphorical blood, and yelled, "What the hell of all the hells are you doing?!?!?!"
After glancing back and forth from Bro. Jessup's face to the items he was carrying, the Asian man gave an audible 'gulp' and said, "My girlfriend is pregnant, and because she is unworthy of taking the sacrament, she says that if she does, it will make the baby go away... Personally, I don't think so, but she was a sister missionary and graduated from Brigham Young College, and so I am fulfilling her wish. It would be nice if it works!"
The content of the Asian man's reply so startled Bro. Jessup that his only immediate response was, "huh?"
The Asian man, thinking the response was not totally inappropriate, repeated his explanation.
By now, the crowd surrounding the two men had grown, and a vague undercurrent of racism began to swell, and a wave of this racism crested and broke on Bro. Jessup's wounded psyche.
"What the everloving, goddam, effing hell are you talking about, you little (defamatory slur)!!??" yelled Bishop Jessup.
Everyone who heard him was startled into profound silence, which held for a few seconds, until a querulous voice was heard, "My grandfather lost half his pineapple trees when the goddam (plural defamatory slur) attacked Pearl Harbor!!"
The next voice heard was one of the deacons: "Ken, I'd like 'mormon doctrine' for $100, please."