TBM DH and I took the kids out yesterday for a family day and we had a blast … until my DH did something thoughtless and infuriating to pick a fight with me. I’m used to that - he picks a fight with me every vacation, holiday, outing, practically any fun, family time we have. He has ADD and apparently, some people with this, when they are out of their usual day to day routine react badly to the lack of structure and pick a fight because the heightened adrenaline helps them focus. This isn’t all people with ADD, by any means, but it describes DH perfectly. Usually I can sort him out before it ruins the day for everyone but then … The Attitude raised it’s ugly head.

You know the attitude - that MORMON attitude that got Our Gang kicked out of city after city because of “persecution”. The attitude of entitlement, superiority - of being God’s chosen people. It goes like this:

“I’ll treat you any way I want to. As long as I feel in my heart that what I am doing is good, that’s all that matters. It feels good to me so it must be the spirit testifying it’s right. If you object to it, there is something wrong with YOU! You are mean. You are anti-Mormon. You have a contentious spirit. You are the problem. I will not listen to your objections. If you say I was hurtful, it‘s because of YOUR pride and your need to be right about everything. You were offended and that means there is flaw in YOU - not that I was incredibly offensive. I don‘t think I did anything wrong so, therefore, I didn‘t do anything wrong. You have no right to be upset because I didn’t do anything - because I feel I didn’t. So there.”

I can handle DH in a disagreement or even a normal marital spat. In general, he’s a decent guy and very open-minded. But when he trots out that attitude of I “picked a fight” with him by objecting to the thoughtless way he treated me and he has every right to take me down for objecting to his actions" - that’s when I see the generations of BIC Mormons behind him, raising their ugly heads and know why Mormons have always been such an unpopular people. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating here: I would not marry another Mormon guy if the only alternative was a cigarette and a firing squad.

That sounds abusive, and while I don't think that attitude comes from just the Mormons, I do think the persecution complex encouraged by the church helps set up the conditions for Mormons to act that way. My husband's TBM convert ex and his daughters treated him like that until the kids finally disowned him, claiming he was "prideful".

sorry to hear he did that :(

"I would not marry another Mormon guy if the only alternative was a cigarette and a firing squad."

I have to ask, why do you stay married to this one if it's that awful? He's abusive and puts you down. He doesn't deserve you.

V.

I can totally relate. Even when I was a TBM, in the mission field no less, I REFUSED to marry a mormon.

My mother didn't understand it, but she married a convert.

I know why you stay. If we all bailed on our marriages over situations like this, nobody would be married. My ex used to sulk. I'd try to get him to tell me what was wrong and he wouldn't--just the silent treatment. I hate that worse than anything. The best thing I ever used to do was load up the kids and go do something fun without him.

I am married to a nevermo(raised Catholic,) and sometimes he has a similar attitude. Except it seems to be coming from a place of "I have a penis and a job, and you(being a stay-at-home-mom) don't." I sometimes wonder if even though I left the mormon church, I still somehow found a dh who has the same antiquated attitudes toward women. Or maybe all men are like that, and I am just hypersensitive to it because I am struggling to break out of the mormon mindset so much so that I can't find the normal. (Sorry men, I don't mean to insinuate that you are all like that, I just mean to beg the question) I can't imagine how much more difficult your situation is, but I feel for you. I honestly feel sometimes like I would rather choose the cigarette and the firing squad to ever getting married again at all.

The thing is, I think DH is basically decent and has been much nicer about my disbelief than so many other TBM spouses I've heard of on this board and elsewhere. Usually we get along and even disagree OK. We just fall out when he pull out the attitude. All that dictatorial priesthood self-righteousness - the feeling that somehow he had a teflon coating and if I was upset, it must be a problem with me. I really can see why Mormons infuriate people while still firmly believing that they are good people with good intentions. They have a mindset going that just doesn't allow for another point of view. It's right or wrong, black or white, for or against. The idea that since "I'm good" then if you are upset with me that makes "You bad".

To keep a Mormon man "Happy", you are a doormat in public, a whore in the bedroom, a nurse/nanny for the kids, and a maid for the house. If you don't bring an income in, you are 'second class' by the Mormon men. Deal with it...

This is why I'm glad I divorced my TBM ex-husband, in addition to the emotional abuse. As I mentioned in the "final straw" thread, what got me to resign was getting an invitation to a Mormon singles dance before my divorce was final. After all, I would also rather chose the cigarette and firing squad over marrying another Mormon man.

My nevermo boyfriend is secure enough with his manhood that he's not threatened by my having a job, or that I actually use my brain.