I can not live like this anymore. Several months ago I posted here about being a Deacon who didnt believe anymore. A majority of the advise I got was to keep faking until 18 and independent. I figured I could manage and went about my days feeling like punching a wall every Sunday, you know, the usual. But now it's hit me. As the reputation of the church crumbles with not only a musical, but plenty of media attention with the mormon presidential candidates, I now realize that i can't do this. I don't want to do another baptism for the dead, I don't want to go on pioneer trek, I dont want to wait until 16 to date, I don't want to go to school with the worry that someone will find out Im part of an organization as rediculous as TSCC, I don't want to give up 10% of my money, and I don't want to live a lie for another 4 years.

If anyone has been through a similar experience or has any other advise on how I could go about this, please share.

This is a question of which way are you better off or worse off. You might seriously think about all of the likely consequences of your staying away from the morg. If you can handle the fallout that will come from staying away, then do that. However, you may not be independent enough to live with full integrity. And life gets sucky that way sometimes. If that's the case, you certainly have an object lesson in the great value of independence and then you can do everything in your power to ensure your independence. This is a fabulous life lesson to learn the hard way at a young age.

It isn't an easy situation to be in. There's a lot that went through my mind, whether I could have the willpower to fake it or to relent and tell my parents. I didn't actually tell them until after I had turned sixteen, and even then the results weren't pleasant.

What you need to ask yourself, Anonfornow, is how your parents would react to your not believing in the Mormon church. You need to ask yourself if they would respond positively and let you live without the church, or if they would respond negatively and force you to live with the church. There are only so many things they would be willing to allow you to do. Another thing to consider, Anonfornow, is whether your parents will think this is just teenage rebellion, that's the hurdle I still haven't jumped yet. I'm eighteen and supporting myself and my parents still believe I'm a misguided, rebellious teenager who is only doing all of this just to prove how much of a "man" I am.

Parents are tough to deal with, especially at your age. You know too much and as a result, aren't likely to be taken seriously by people who are older than you. Like I said before, what you need to do is ask yourself how your parents would respond to you coming out and telling them you no longer believe in Mormonism. That's what you should base the rest of your future on.

If you don't think they would respond well to the news, there are a number of things you will need to do. One is the most unpleasant and what your post is about, faking it. Unfortunately, it isn't easy. But, there are ways to make it easier. Some of the things I did was to do as many things outside the church as possible. Things like extracurricular activities, volunteering for different organizations and eventually getting a part-time job. If you can participate in a non-LDS Boy Scout troop that would be a great help too. That way you have a nice outlet where you can be yourself. Anything that gets you away from the Mormon environment for a weekend or even a week will be a great help. As far as while you're at church, try playing a game with what people say. Try to pick apart what they say and notice the little inconsistencies in doctrine. Doing this will prepare you to state your case in the future for your not believing in Mormonism.

One of the other things you will need to focus on is your schooling and preparing a sturdy foundation for yourself in the future. Eventually, the time will come when you will be expected to serve a mission. At that point you'll have to make the decision to go, or not to go, to tell your parents about your disbelief, or not to tell them. Now, should they refuse to pay for your future schooling, you want to have a sturdy foundation for yourself. That means good grades and good test scores; school isn't just about learning now, it's for your future and your survival. Good grades means scholarships, which means easier access to freedom.

Also, you need to start saving your money. Start working as soon as you can, do little odd-jobs if you have to. Mow lawns, help people move furniture, get creative. That's another part of making sure you have a sturdy foundation. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. You want to have something to fall back on should the worst happen and your parents kick you out.

Finally, like I said, this isn't going to be easy. Although it may seem like a long time, four years is not a very long time, you've got decades left to live! Hold onto the future you have ahead of yourself! You've seen through the curtain at a young enough age that you won't be trapped in Mormonism. Once you're free, the world will have new color and new meaning. The burdens you feel now will be lifted from your shoulders and you will be able to breathe easy.

You had the willpower to change your beliefs when confronted with factual evidence, you have the willpower to make it through whatever is thrown at you next.

Good luck Anonfornow, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

I'm eighteen and supporting myself and my parents still believe I'm a misguided, rebellious teenager who is only doing all of this just to prove how much of a "man" I am.

Wow... just read your post and for someone that is supposed to be misguided, you sure have insight. Your advice was solid and I hope anonfornow considers it seriously. You looked at things from all angles and seemed to have prepared yourself from a young age for whatever outcome. I think you should be proud of yourself because for someone that is only 18, you do have a good head on your shoulders. One that thinks quite well. I don't think you are out to prove how much of a man you are, I think you are making your way in the world as a man with nothing to prove to anyone. Impressive.

I concur with Strykary. I can't imaine how this is having such an impact on your life. I can't even bear to be in a setting with one arrogant person for one eve. YOU must be around tons of them every Sun. and often at events you mentioned. It would be almost unbearable. The advice given
about preparing for the future - good grades to get into a school of your choice, a job even for a few hrs. a week, and outlets where you can be yourself will make the time go faster. Hang with nonmormons if you can. Don't think they will reject you. No need to talk religion with them if you don't want to. Do volunteer at every chance you get. You will see the real world and be around real people. It may help you decide what you want to do in life.

My sympathy is with you. Pretending can cause much emotional upheaval. BUT if you are depending on parents for food, shelter, clothes, etc. it may be the only choice you have for a bit longer. All the best.

Strykary post is such good advice. Just concentrate on building that foundation. When you turn eighteen, you want a good head on your shoulders, good grades, and enough money from a part-time job that you have a deposit for an apartment and a down payment for a car. And you want to know that you were able to "gut it out" with dignity and class and that you have that kind of strength.

I'm 16, my mom forces me to YW, church, everything. I feel like my head's going to explode everytime i go to seminary.

Basically everyone on here is going to tell you to stay strong until youre 18, atleast thats what ive found out. it is basically the only thing you can do, and should do, unless youre home life is really bad.

What Ive learned, from being a sort-of-closeted exmo (my mom knows im not tbm, i want it this way so it's not such a huge shock when i leave TSCC) is that im my own person and its going to stay that way. I mean, I'll go to church, I'll go to young womens, but i dont have to believe that stuff. I can figure things out for myself and not just have someone tell me how something is.

its a huge headache AND heartache but im hoping i come through it as a stronger person.

I hope you keep coming back to rfm! this board needs more teens posting :D

I am so impressed by the teens nowdays that are truely wanting to know what is fact, what is true, and not just accepting everything that is pushed on them. You all have a huge advantage that most of us did not grow up with: the internet.

But of course because of it you suffer a different pain, that of finding out the truth and having to compromise and fake. You are bound by that, and in my time, we were bound by the lack of information so we remained in the dark for so long. It was easy for a parent to control what came into the house and what you had access to read and do, so it wasn't until most of us were on our own that we learned for ourselves.

You on the other hand can get much information very easily, but there is still that control and having to comply because you are underage.

I am not sure what to tell you. I guess there are things you still must do, but do you really need to participate in everything? Must you? I was a TBM when I was a teenage, to the core, however, I refused, simply refused to go to seminary in the morning. I have always been a night owl and not an early riser, so getting up at 4am for me was out of the question. It did not matter, I was not going. Everything else I did, but not that.

Can you just do the bare minimum when it comes to church? Go on Sundays, but make yourself busy any other day? Maybe take up a sport in school? Or join a club, anything really that you are interested in that would take up your time?

I know it is hard, but I don't think you need to pretend, just go, sit at the back, take something to read? And be otherwise occupied with things that interest you.

Regardless, I sure am impressed by the determination and curiosity to find the truth the teens seem to have.

As a girl who went through kind of the same situation, I'll *try* to come up with some advice for you to think about!

The biggest problem I think my parents and I had was communication- maybe if you start talking with your parents about little things to start them off, one day they might be a little more softened up to give them the "big news". Maybe open discussions about beliefs you may have differences in? (Politics might be a good fall back)

I think my parents always knew deep down in their hearts that I didn't believe, because of things I would say-or wouldn't say. I'd be in the middle about something so that maybe I just looked like someone who was too shy or not opinionated enough to speak out about something (like talking about certain things during a testimony meeting- the few times I did "bear my testimony" I would just come up with some story about "someone at school that was having a hard time and I helped talk her through it and I'm so glad the spirit gave me the words to say", etc)

It's hard to say whether or not you should keep faking it or come out- you might not know your parents personally enough to know how they will react. I know when I was 14 I couldn't have told you how my parents would have reacted and I don't know that even now THEY could tell you how they would have reacted. If you don't feel that you really *know* your parents maybe try initiating more of a friendship with them. Talk about things other than church topics. Talk to your parents about common interests, computers, sports, cooking, reading, etc. The goal is to open their minds! You can eventually lead it to more controversial topics if you feel comfortable and you may find out that your parents arn't who you thought they were.

I wish someone had told me when I was 14 to straighten the hell up! I did so much stupid crap at 14 that hindered my growth as a person- think about where you want to be in the future. If you want to be able to move out the day you turn 18 prepare for it. Get a part time job, save money, get good grades and try for scholarships- earn college credits during high school if you can.

I also wish I would have kept a few good friends- I was kind of a loner in school and read a lot, but I had a few friends who if I would have just worked at it a little they could have been good friends who I could have turned to when things got rough. A good non-mormon friend, haha.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing! And it sounds like there are a few of us that have dealt with this... so hopefully we can help you make a not-so-crazy transition.

It's terrible!

You need a roof over your head, food, and clothes, and have no way of making it on your own for a long time. AND you are smarter than your parents.

You know them and I don't. Only you can estimate how they would react if you refused to participate in church. I couldn't play along for what seemed like forever. I said no off and on and suffered serious consequences. Looking back, would have been easier on everyone to play along much more than I did.

We've read here about young people in your situation who take a stand and are forced to attend weekly bishop interviews and read the Book of Mormon every day as a result. I'd hate to have that happen to you.

If you're ever stuck in a one on one with the bishop, I suggest you lie in whatever way seems best to save yourself. I value the truth and authenticity but I value survival more.

Perhaps you could go slow. Drag your feet. Make excuses to skip dead dunking and meetings occasionally, do the bare minimum. This isn't a good or final solution but it might help. Push up to the point of turning your house into a war zone.

Be sure to do your school work and home chores as this will go a long way in demonstrating that you're a good diligent kid.

Many posters will think you are lucky to find out how fraudulent the church is at such a young age. True, it means you can avoid the mission experience, marrying in the temple and much more, but it's very hard to be stuck in your situation at your age. I know because I've been there.

Sending good wishes. Be strong.

You're in a tough spot, indeed.

My career has allowed me to get to know a lot of teens that have some really great insights that their parent's don't understand or agree with. I've spent a lot of time playing interpreter between teen and parent. That being said:

Think about what your parents are worried about in your next few years of life. Likely, they think if you leave the church you'll drink, do drugs, have sex, hang out with bad people, get bad grades, and who knows what else. Every chance you get, reassure them that you are a moral person. Be respectful and kind and show that when it comes time to talk to them about your disbelief, it will only be that one issue. It will not be that you want to rebel or go against their rules or moral standards. It will simply be a disagreement in doctrine. Open communication with your parents and show that you can have a rational discussion even about things you don't agree on. Show that you can understand both sides of an issue. Be a calm peacemaker and don't let the urge to pull an attitude take over, even if it seems like it sucks.

And, yes, start mowing lawns/babysitting/painting fences and saving money. If things get bad, at least you'll have a little money to help you get started at 18.

I was in a similar spot when i was 14. Only for me it was that my mom was emotionally abuse to me. I wanted to leave very badly but knew that being a teen on my own wouldn't be anything great. So i learned to live one day at a time. I could handle today. It was hard and i got a job so i was home less. I saved my money so i could go to university at 18- away from my family. 4 years is a long time, but it does pass. in your case, you don't have to tell anyone you are a mormon. if they ask, you can say your parents are mormon and you are stuck going there until 18 but you already know it's false.

Sometimes you just have to endure the 'least' evil. Living on the streets is not a picnic and will probably bring even worse problems than sitting in a class daydreaming.

good luck.

My dad used to always say, "As long as you live in my house, you live by my rules. When you get your own house, you live by your own rules." That's probably why I hardly ever talk to him.

It sucks. You have to decide how your parents will react if you refuse to go and what it will cost you to go against them. I wouldn't lie to them, but at the same time, don't cut off your future. You need to finish high school and get into college. If your parents are paying for college, don't alienate them.

They may be more open minded then you think, but that's alway sa risk. People here have lost their husbands, wives, kids, parents and siblings for leaving. They were all independent adults when they did that. As a minor, you are legally your parents' responsibility. You also have little means to support yourself. Maybe you have sympathetic relatives who could help you out, most likely you'll have to suck it up until you can take care of yourself.

And..as you get older surround yourself with good, non mormon friends. Have a social network you can turn to when/if you decide never to return to mo-town. Often people feel pretty lonely after they leave if the church was their only social support.

Something else to consider, ask questions about things you know about LDS. "Dad I was looking up JS's family in Familysearch.org and you know that he was married a bunch of times and to some girls as young as 14? Isn't that weird?"
" I sure wish they could find some proof that the American indians are descendents of the Jews."

Maybe your folks will start looking at you as someone with a brain and at the same time inquisitive about the world around you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/15/2011 12:47PM by backphil.

I think I started resisting church things much younger than I consciously remember. I clearly recall a part of a memory where I was being told I was property. I don't remember what lead up to it, what the dispute was about, just that I would do what I was told because I belonged to my parents the way property does.

I hid my nonbelief, and actually arranged to attend a different ward with some of my friends from school.
Eventually I started skipping out of that ward, spending my afternoon in a coffee shop or library.

But from the sound of things, they are a bit more serious about attendance these days, and I don't know if what I did would even be an option.

I sort of did seminary, but I left early every day and showed up 10 minutes late to early morning jazz band at school. Does your school offer choir or music before school? You could suddenly develop an interest for something only taught during seminary. :)

It sucks to fake it. But I didn't have the internet, and did not know there are other people like me until a few years ago, nowhere near my high school years. I thought I was a bad person for feeling like it didn't work for me.

The thing with me was, I didn't even fake it! I never had a testimony, but never believed for a moment that it wasn't true. I just thought there was SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME when I wanted to go out clubbing and drinking, "enjoy" female company, and play with my little factory...

It was the worst of both worlds. Not happy in church because I lacked a testimony and struggled to keep the commandments, and not happy "in the world" because of the guilt! The guilt would actually stop me going as far as I wanted to do with worldly pleasures, more often than not.

I lost my entire youth to the Mormon church. I wouldn't want anybody else to make the same mistakes.

Ultimately, your life is yours to live as you deem best. Whether you participate in the chronically dishonest and manipulative LDS Church or not is YOUR decision and no one else's.

No one can force you to go to church and sit through mind-numbing Morg classes, pay 10% of your money to LD$ Inc. (a multi-billion-dollar religious corporation that scams people), attend a Mormon temple and do necro-baptisms, etc.

If you put your foot down and say "No!", brainwashed Mormon authority figures in your life (adults) will probably try to force you to participate. Most likely, they'll use guilt-trips, spout LDS nonsense about 'Satan' (or is that 'Stan'?!) taking over your 'soul', and other Latter-day Saint stupidities. Dysfunctional adult Mormons (there are so many!) try to break the will of young, rational-thinking people (like you!) if they stray from the crazy-making LDS 'straight and narrow.'

If you're going to 'come out' and refuse to participate in Mormonism, expect flak - and possibly A LOT of it. I don't know your personal situation, but if/when it happens, you can always come back and say "Stop violating my constitutional right to stay away from organized religion!" The law DOES give you the RIGHT to abstain from anything you deem to be harmful to you, which cultic Mormonism certainly is.

Here's useful info. about how Mo-ism 'programs' people and what they can do to liberate themselves from it: http://members.shaw.ca/blair_watson/

The liberation process comes down to choices: you choosing to do what you think and feel is right for you. Brainwashed Latter-day Saints don't understand this because cultic Mo-ism mind-f*cked them.

If the situation at home becomes intolerable, you can always contact Family Services in your area (the government agency is listed in the Blue Pages in your phone book or you can contact city hall or the library and ask for the number) and tell whoever you speak with that you've been mentally and emotionally abused by a cult for years (true) and need to escape. You don't have to wait four years to get the authorities on your side.

If you ever need the expert opinion of a mental health professional who knows that Mormonism wounds people psychologically, you can contact Dr. Mark Malan, who spoke at an Ex-Mormon Conference some years ago. His website is at http://www.relationshiphealth.org .

If you ever need the help of someone with a legal background who knows that Mo-ism is cultic and the LDS Church runs a scam, contact retired lawyer and ex-Mormon Richard Packham at http://home.teleport.com/~packham/

Ex-Mormons in your area would be a great resource. They can be found via the Contacts link at http://www.exmormon.org/ and Our Community > Post-Mormon Chapters at http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/

Here are two quotes I REALLY like:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." -- Ambrose Redmoon

"Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others." -- Winston Churchill

You're the captain of the ship of your life; it'll go in whichever direction you set.

Best wishes!