This is a letter from my dad, how would you respond? I don't want to hurt his feelings too much, but at the same time he needs to give us our space. I feel sad he is hurt by us leaving the church.

Dear --- and ---,


My present calling in The Church, is as a Council Member in the Stake High Council. I am assigned to the Higher Priesthood in the -- Ward. In addition to my regular stake meetings, I attend the -- Ward priesthood and sacrament meetings as needed, and their ward council and priesthood executive meetings, and sometimes their bishopric meetings. One leader of the -- Ward is ---, is an actor in many of the movies and productions portraying church history and events. As I am getting ready to go to weekly PEC meeting at 8:00, I am reflecting on the many opportunities I have been able to be around great leaders in The Church, and just being in the presence of Priesthood servants who dedicate their lives to their callings and responsibilities. It is great enjoyment for me to be around men of God and to see them in action as they are led by the Spirit of God, The Holy Ghost. I have been in Elder’s Quorum Presidencies, Bishoprics, High Council Member (twice now. once at BYU), and Stake Presidency (as Executive Secretary at BYU). I don’t profess to contribute much, I suppose I do my part in some tedious way, but I do want to convey my enjoyment in watching the leaders perform, in their humble and talented way. This has been my opportunity through the last 20 + years.



-----, I see in you the capability and talents to be a great leader. And I don’t mean that in the context that it is something to push to become, as if that is prestigious and the glory of position. But I mean it in the humble way that I see you as a friend, and as a brother, son, husband and father, and good responsible provider. Maybe I can explain my feelings in the real context of recognizing your goodness as you thanked me the other day for letting you use the 4 wheeler: you thanked me not just once, but several times. I see power in you. Because I see power, not only in talent and experience, but in humility and gratitude.



Not to say you don’t have faults. I suppose you do. I don’t see any, except . . . . . But Moses and Joseph Smith had faults, too.



For example, with your experiences, on your mission as you have somewhat relayed them to me, I see you as being capable of being a great Mission President.



--- and ---, for whatever reasons you have decided to leave behind your covenants, I believe the best thing for you to do is to discover what it is and get rid of those reasons. If you have read some garbage, if you have been offended, if you have strayed, or whatever reason. The best thing for you to do is: read some good things (in which you will find the Holy Ghost), get un-offended, repent of wrong doings, or reverse whatever reason.



I started this note of love with outlining how grateful I am for being around spiritual men and women. ---, I want to express how grateful I am for having the opportunity to be your father and having seen your goodness all your life. And how great it is to see you leading your children in love and tenderness. Your Mom and I are still sorry that we didn’t let you keep the kitten you bought with your own money inside the house where it would have been warm and safe. And ---, I appreciate all you do and are for our daughter and grandchildren.



Got to go. I have to shower to make it to my 8 o’clock ward council meeting.



Love, DAD

That's a tough one. I told my dad a few months back that I didn't want to have anything to do with the church. Up until that point, I was his only active child. My siblings had already left the church years ago. He had a lot of hope for me, similar to what is apparent in the letter from your dad.

I found this youtube video extremely helpful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZQJc5SxnVs

He is obviously mistaken on why you left the church, you could maybe use this video to start a conversation.

Dear Dad,

We are happy for your sake that your participation in the LDS church has given you lifelong joy. We would never do or say anything that would interfere with the satisfaction that you have found therein.

We are sorry to say that such is not the case for us. We have not sinned, nor strayed, nor taken offense. We simply no longer believe. This conclusion was not reached lightly but after much study and thought. Given that conclusion, we will no longer be active members in the church, nor will we be raising our family in the church. This is both of us demonstrating the leadership of which you speak. This decision and choice will no doubt be a continuing disappointment to you, but we are asking you to respect it in the same spirit that we respect your religious choices. If you find that you can not respect it, and that you must continually harass us about our choice, it will most likely have a negative impact on our relationship with one another. We would like to avoid that if at all possible, but we cannot emphasize this too strongly -- mutual respect is paramount. This respect for others' choices is contained in your own eleventh article of faith.

We are the same good, moral, and decent people that we always have been. Goodness, morality and decency are not exclusive to the Mormon church, but are found in people of other denominations, faiths, and indeed no faith at all. We would like to have a broader affilitation with people of good repute than the Mormon church would have us consider. We have faith in humanity, and in our ability to raise up good, moral, and decent children.

Again, you may not like our choice, but you must respect it.

Lovingly,

XXXXXXX



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2011 01:54PM by summer.

Dear Dad,

Thank you for the letter. I know that your feelings are sincere and heartfelt. I know that you have strong feelings for Mormonism and you believe it to a religion established by God.

I, too, used to have similar feelings. Unfortunately, after much study and reflection, my feelings have changed. This is not a result of "reading garbage, being offended, or straying." It is a result of intense study and reflection and a sincere desire to understand things for what they are, not for what I want them to be.

The unfortunate reality is that Mormonism , to me personally, is no longer "true". As such, I no longer believe Mormonism's claims and have no desire to continue to be associated with the religion.

I know that you will consider me to be in error - just as a Catholic / Jewish / Seventh Day Adventist / Jehovah Witness father would think if his son also decided to leave the religion of his upbringing.

I don't expect you to view things the same way I do, but I do expect you to respect the process that I went through to reach this point of view. I understand the reasons why you believe and I respect that. But I also ask you to respect my decision and understand that it was not made lightly.

Love,
Son

Sounds like a nice, decent man. Not surprised that he bore his testimony first before addressing your concerns. And he was also wrong about those concerns. "Un-offended"? That's a new one.

When a relative sent me by snail mail a similar letter, I first responded on a positive note about our good relationship and his role in my upbringing. I also thanked him for his concern but that he also learn to respect his own Article of Faith #11, which, I said you may have forgotten.

Said relative was shocked that I had "turned atheist" and challenged me, as all believers not just Mormons do, about my morals and such. I gave a simple answer: I am still the same man as before sans religion. It is a false dichotomy to suppose I worship Stan because I don't believe in ANY of it.

Give your dad some time to let your exit sink in. He might just be the kind of person of the live and let live kind.

Actually, I don't think that a response is all that difficult. Based on your post, I get the feeling that you want to maintain a connection with your father. If that's the case, an open and honest reply would be the way to go, something that addresses his concerns. It will be up to him to accept it or not.

Something like:

Dear Dad,
Thank you for your letter, I really appreciated your comments and was touched that you felt the need to reach out to me.

I understand your concerns. It is very common in the church to think that people who have left the church are offended in someway or have fallen into sin. While that might be the case for some people, it's not the case for me.

I no longer wish to attend church for the following reasons. (state reasons here).

I do not tell you these things because I'm questioning or want you to answer them, I tell you by way of information.

You mention several times that you see leadership skills in me. Understand that I did not come to this decision lightly and I put a lot of thought into it. I hope that you can respect that.

Love,
Son

How would I respond?

I'd respond with a newsy letter about your life, kids, activities, etc.
I'd ignore all of his comments about his religious activities. Never make it an issue or part of the communication.


Good to hear from you Dad, happy you are keeping busy.
We've been busy too. We've been ...... (list the fun things you did to the house, and yard, or other activities)
I know you would be so proud of .... (list the accomplishments of the kids recently...) 1st grader got an A on a spelling test, stuff like that.


My view is the best way to deal with religious emails is to ignore those comments and keep the communication about how much you enjoy your life, how happy you are about this and that... and include all kinds of minor things that parents and grandparents generally would enjoy knowing about, for instance.

Dear Dad,

I have left the 'covenants' because I found them to be based on a false religion.

I have found the truth, and the truth has made me free. It has also brought me much more joy and happiness than I have ever felt before. "Man is, that he might have joy."

I sincerely hope and pray that you, too, will eventually come to see the light and the truth, and that you will also find happiness a well.

Your son forever,

---

I like “another guy”’s suggestion because 1) his letter is informative rather than defensive; 2) it is short and to the point; 3) it talks *across* (i.e. neither up nor down) to your father; and 4) it expresses good will toward your father

You are following the Truth as you see it, Anon. Truth needs no defense. And your father, like all TBMs, has no listening for any views or facts which do not support his beliefs. So do not weaken your decision by trying to justify it to your father!

Your father talks about all the supposedly admirable leaders he has known in the church. You might keep in mind (but not use in this particular letter to your father) the following:

*****No leader worth following needs to demand obedience.*****

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Your dad is experiencing:

1) Disappointed expectations. He expected great things from you as a church leader and is beginning to realize he won't be able to brag about his MP or GA son to his church friends.

2) Cognitive Dis that you remain a great person worthy of his respect and love.

Dear Dad,

Thanks for your continued love and support. It is appreciated more than you know. I hope that will continued despite our different religious beliefs.

You are mistaken about our reasons for leaving the church. It has nothing to do with sin, being offended, or anti-mormon rhetoric.

I am sorry our decision has caused you sadness but it remains our firm decision. You wrote that you respect me as a friend, brother, father and husband. If so, you will have to trust that our reasons are sound and well considered.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2011 02:06PM by caedmon.

Thanks everyone for your wonderful suggestions. I will take and combine what you have written to construct a great response! I'm his daughter. My husband feels my dad thinks it's more his (my husband's) responsibility to guide us back to "the truth" since he's the priesthood leader in the home. It's time to stand up to him (my dad). Thank you so much for your help. Hopefully he will respect our response and not keep crossing the line, just as we respect his right to believe what he believes.

I think that you should take a strong stance in response. You are under NO OBLIGATION to answer to his OBSCENE accusations, and if I were you, I would let him know that. There doesn't seem to be much hope that he will see the light concerning his membership in a Cult. It seems that the most you can hope for is that he and other TBM's in the family keep their Judgements to themselves. I would let him know that if he continues in this disrespectful vein, you will cut off his access to your family. Period.

I love the reply suggestions. They're excellent. Loving, and yet getting the point across. My first reaction was to get angry, due to the canned response of, "you were offended or you've sinned." They're really beginning to bug me.

You can't go wrong with a loving response, which also demands respect and acceptance. After that, the ball's in his court as to whether or not he can do that.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2011 03:28PM by Greyfort.

but I would quickly go to the doctor and have a DNA test performed. You want to make sure you didn't get the gene that would let you find enjoyment in watching mormon leaders perform, in their humble and talented way!

I just had to say that, because it sounds exactly like my father.

Garçon Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> but I would quickly go to the doctor and have a
> DNA test performed. You want to make sure you
> didn't get the gene that would let you find
> enjoyment in watching mormon leaders perform, in
> their humble and talented way!
>

Too Funny! That part cracked me up too. "Enjoyment in watching leaders perform." Wow easily entertained much? Watching them almost killed me from boredom. Definately led to fewer brain cells.

So he is upset you left behind your convenants and still thinks you may have been offended,read some garbage or need to repent of some wrongdoings. I would start right there and say WHY would you say such things? That is offensive coming from my father.

I would say anything I read is to better inform me of the religion I had belonged to and to clarify things in my mind. This is not wrong to do. I would also say that him enjoying all those who do their jobs in "the church" has nothing to do with you. Glad you are enjoying that Dad. I simply would not enjoy seeing people do some job for an organization posing as a church.

Be sure you include that you are grateful for his love. Tell him you are grateful for his mention of leadership qualities and other character traits that he feels you have. Tell him you intend to pass those along (if you have kids). Tell him how happy you are now and your decision is firm to not be associated any longer with the LDS faith. Then just go into small talk about your activities, etc. Sign, Love.....

The assumption about being "offended" is so ridiculous. Have people really left for that reason? I have known several people to leave TSCC over the years and the reasons never once even came close to being offended.

How I would *like* to respond, is pretty different from how I would actually respond. But this is me, not necessarily you.

I would like to omment on how much of his letter is wrapped in disussion of hiw many church callings and meetings. Ugh. His entire life seems one meeting after another.

I would want to say that is one of hte reasons I left is not wanting to give my entire life to church meeting after meeting, instead of spending quality time with my kids etc.

I would then want to talk about how I've put my "leadership skills" to good use doing valuable community service (which is what I'm now doing, as a volunteer on a few different Boards).

But I'd probably end up doing what Susie Q suggested instead, not wanting to hurt him too much by pointing out the obvious flaws in his church of choice.

Remember the LDS ads, "Family, isn't it about time?" My dad was always busy with his work and then most his spare time was taken up with church callings. My dad's email boasts about all his past and current callings. They probably have a big part to do with why he and I aren't very close. We never spent time together. If only I could tell him what is really on my mind!

Anonymous Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> We never spent time together. If only I could tell him what is really on my mind!

I think that you should. It might be a much-needed reality check for him. Tell him that the church took far too much of his time and that you missed him. You don't want to repeat the same mistake with your own children. You want to enjoy their company while you have them close.

I would ask him, "When you are old, do you want to remember all of the happy hours that you spent attending endless meetings and doing church jobs, or do you want to remember all the happy hours that you spent with your own family?" I think it's a fair question.

Yes, thank you summer. I love the question you suggested.

Have a good time at the meeting, and drive safe.

love,
....and....

I had a JW friend for a while, and she was surprised at how similar the mormon life was similar to her JW society. She had been taught that they were unique; that there was no other group like it. Many people raised in such cultures have little or no idea that there are other people living as they do, thinking they are right, everybody else is wrong, and they've been convinced to do no further looking or searching.

I wouldn't necessarily attack mormonism directly. I'd take the "other people believe their thing" approach. While mormonism is important to him, and he associates his emotional/spiritual responses to mormonism, other people have the same feelings and associate them to their religion of choice. Being on the outside, I can see see that mormonism is one of many. I don't dispute the feelings people have, I challenge the source of it. If it works for you, great,.... but other beliefs work for others. I can see that now.

Best wishes.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2011 07:21PM by jpt.

Good point, thank you.

Dear Dad,
Let's say I get myself "un offended" and accept one of the myriad leadership positions available to the regular payers{tithes}.
Would I have to spend a significant amount of time lecturing others about their personal choices? Even as busy as you say you are, you set aside time to criticize me.
Call in sick to your meeting and meet me at the homeless shelter for some Christian activities. Bring your check book and leave the condescending attitude at home.
Biologically yours,
Son


ps you guys have more titles than a book store!

Haha, very clever response!

Funny how he said,

"Got to go. I have to shower to make it to my 8 o’clock ward council meeting"

like he actually thinks he's being an example or something. Get over yourself man!

I know, maybe he needs to be reminded of this scripture:

Matthew 6:6: But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

Dear Father,

My present desire and belief, as a dissafectted mormon, is not something that occured through a shallow desire to sin, being offended, irrational decision making, laziness, or unwise choices. I decided by my own will, not through my peers, friends, family, or any other source of influence. I am grateful you find satisfaction, joy, peace and inspiration through the LDS church and kinship and respect in your fellow saints and leaders. It pleases me that you have a community and religion you belong to and feel a part of. Perhaps If I stayed in the church I could forge such friendships and ties with leaders and fellow saints. Sadly I could not find inspiration, peace, joy or even satisfaction in the religion and its systems of beleif that you have found. I see all too much a religion made by men for men and devoid of the hand of god and his direction all together. Where you find great leaders who dedicate their lives to the cause of the most succesfful schism of Mormism, I see many great and sincere leaders dedicating their time and talents to a false cause built upon a foundation of lies. I see a church that claims to have living oracles and modern revelation yet utterly dissapoints in that respect. Claims are made that it is the only church capable of speaking in the name of the Lord to the world, yet it's prophets reveal nothing, are silent on so many important and fundamental questions, and even lack the integrity to be honest about doctrines and teachings of the past. I see a church that was originally set up to be radically different than all other christian churches at the time, a church that claimed to be unique and peculiar, a church that was not affraid and even proud to profess certain doctrines at odds with christiandome. Now I see a church that desires to be "Christian" just like everyone else, a church that belittles, backs down, and denies past doctrines and revelations from God because they are at odd with mainstream christianity. I see a church that claims to be the corrector of all truth, the bearer of light and every good and godly thing, the restored gospel setup to correct the wicked and ungodly ways of men, yet it has descriminated against blacks by spewing forth racist revelation, doctrines, and policies of an abhorrent nature, it has held and holds similiarly ignorant and ridiculous views towards women and homosexuals. I see a church who claims to live by the very Gospel of Christ and requires members to pay their full tithes in order to recieve salvation and exahltation, yet with those sacred tithes that are often given through sacrafice and great harships they spend billions on hunting reserves, PR and media marketing to appeal to mainstream christianity, real estate, and for profit business' such as the uncompleted city creek mall and condos which have surpassed a 4 billion dollar budget. How can I have confidence in a church that spends a meager total of $750 million dollars in humanitarian aid over 22 years and four times that on a mall. I suppose I can continue this list for many more pages, but my intent is not to explain why I feel the church is false or why I no longer beleive. I simply feel it necessary to give you an example of how I percieve the church as apposed to the way you do and how I can never have those same feelings for it that you now have and want to share with me. It is impossible.

I am flattered that you see great potential in me not just in capabilities and talents, but that you also recognize me as a good and responsible person irregardless of my dissafection with the LDS church. Might I suggest that it is through your example and others that I have grown up with that I have turned out to be a good person and may continue to grow and progress regardless of the church. The capability and talents you see in me exist indepdendant of the LDS church. You need not fear that these things will be stunted or destroyed because I have left the church. The church is not what instilled good character or inate talents in me to begin with.


Without doubt I appreciate and respect your love and concern for my wellfare. I surely share the same love and concern for you. I know that you believe I left the church because of reading some garbage, being offended or strayed out of sin, etc. That is simply not the truth. I have not made my decision hastily or done so out of comfort and ease. To the contrary. The conclusion to leave the church and lose my beliefs in the claims and teachings of the restoration were not sought out or even desired. The journey out of the church has been fought with great pain, sorrow, hardhips and misery. There was no bliss or satisfaction found in fully rejecting something that seemed so essential and core to my very being. After all is said and done I have taken the path that my concious has dictated is the correct and good one. I am grateful that I sought the truth out regardless of the hardships the journey brought.

I feel the warmth, love and kindess you have for me in the words and feelings you expressed in your note. I too am grateful that you are my father and have been an exeptional example. It is with that same kindness and love that I tell you I have no interest in going back to the church for any reason. It is all too clear to me that there is no divine hand leading the bretheren. I only see a corporation that has been disengenious and hypocritical. I cannot belong to a religion that intentionally decieves the members and the world about it's unflattering history or has a mouthpiece of God lie to millions on national t.v. I cannot find the value and spirituality that you find in the LDS church because I view it so fundamentally different than you.


Love, blahhblahh

Thanks! You summed it up nicely :)

ya the response is just a quick rough style of reply i would give had i gotten that letter. IMO, its better to be frank about how you now view the church and not pull any punches. Take out the fluff and lay it all out. Certainly there is no need to be rude or incredibly insulting, but I feel you need to make it crystal clear that you don't buy any of the shit the church is spewing out.

Lets face it, the only way you can make it clear that you wont be changing your mind and that your decision to leave wasn't based on some simplistic "phase" you're going through is to be brutally honest. Even then it's likely the other party will still insist that you left for childish reasons or that you're just making that decision because its easy and fits your current lifestyle. TBM's will be hurt... might as well make it clear that any chance of you going back won't be happening.

Dear dad,

Fuck you.

Now we can BOTH get un-offended.

Love,

Kiddlywinks

I think this is a little too harsh ;)

Somebody must have been doing the big M.


PS. I never actually told my father I didn't believe in the morg. I was emphatic and firm that I do not like meetings and I wasn't going to go to many, if at all. Your father obviously loves meetings, so the church works for him.

"I think that was slightly less cordial than he is used to..." Quote from Braveheart.

You have some good suggestions for you, Anonymous.

I agree with the shorter, more loving version of a possible reply to your father. But--you owe it to your own self-respect to set him straight that you did not leave because you were (to quote Thomas Monson) "offended, lazy,...a transgressor." You can tell him something very general, such as, "the church isn't true," without going into details. I agree with the poster that said lengthly explanations would weaken your position.

Reply to your father with the knowledge that nothing you say or do will ever blast him out of that cult.

It is late right now, but if it were my father, I would respond using his same format and language. Tell him you understand how he feels about his church work, because that's the way you feel about your family and career. Tell him how grateful you are to have earned all the great positions and awards and whatever you have earned in school, the Scouts, in your career, and that your children have earned.

Say,"I am reflecting on the many opportunities to be around MY WONDERFUL CHILDREN." "I want to convey my enjoyment at watching my children perform so well in school/sports/whatever." You get the gist of it. I really would politely, smoothly throw it all back in his face. This is not accusing him directly of putting way too much importance on the church, it is letting your father know where YOUR priorities are AND THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF YOUR PRIORITIES, just as he is.

End your letter with: "Got to go. I have to make it to Johnny's soccer game. He would be so disappointed if I missed it."



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2011 03:20AM by forestpal.

Dear Dad,

Yeah I'm fine, thanks for asking...oh wait...you didn't.

I think it's hard to improve on it.

+1

Maybe if you had loved being with us as much as you love being at church we might still be active.

Dear Dad,
If we had read scriptures every single day as a family and had FHE every single Monday without fail, I would not be at this miserable place I find myself today. Your best was not quite enough and generations will suffer because of it. If I had been born in the Bednar home, I would still be faithful today. God loves you, but he is disappointed. He will not hold me responsible for the failure of my parents. I fully expect to one day be visiting you in one of the lesser degrees of glory.

Love son.

Now obviously this is a joke, but it plays off of the sad reality that parents often blame themselves when children decide to leave the church. At least my mother does.

Dear Dad,

Thanks for your note -- I love you too.

Sorry about the church thing, but I just don't have a testimony. Not only do I not believe it's true, I actually believe it's a lie. But since it's working for you I certainly don't want to share anything that might destroy your enjoyment of it.

Sorry, Dad, gotta cut this short. I'm getting the kids ready to go on a picnic and they're looking forward to spending time with me and _____.

Catch ya' later!

Dear dad,

Feel free to shower without informing me about it. While we are on the subject please don't inform me about any of the following daily activities;

All things toilet related.
Anthing of a sexual nature between Mom and you.
All things you watched on "Matlock".
What you plan to eat for meals(unless I'm invited).
Things found on a q-tip after use.
Regularity and smells related to flatuations.

Thanks,

Love,
Anon

p.s. I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU ABOUT THE KITTEN, IT'S THE REASON I LEFT THE CHURCH!

lol

Talk about pouring on the guilt. ;)

My parents were never active, actually my Dad converted at age 50 but never got the priesthood, never really went to church. Anyway it drove my brother and I nuts because we couldn't convince them for decades of the importance of going to the temple and being sealed as a family. They just didn't want to do it. My Dad is dead now, so it can't happen. In Mormon doctrine you would have to say he had his chance and blew it.

Anyway, over time, and not in a conscious manner, my brother and I maintained a relationship with my parents. It got better and better as we RESPECTED their choices and they RESPECTED ours.

Then I found out the church was bull-$%it. I apologized to my Dad before he died for the manipulation we tried on him and my Mom. I guess what I am saying is that to maintain a relationship in a Mormon culture when people don't believe, it takes effort at RESPECTING each other's views. We just learned to do it.

This is how I replied to my dad and he emailed this morning to say he wants to sit down and talk to my husband and I. I really don't feel like talking to him in a "sit down meeting" because I don't want to get in some kind of debate and make things worse. We are 34 years old and think we can make our own decisions by now.

Here's my response, thanks for all your suggestions!

Thank you Dad for the email you sent this morning. We love you very much too. We know your feelings are sincere and heartfelt.

Unfortunately, after much study and reflection, our views toward the LDS religion have changed. This is not a result of "reading garbage, being offended, or straying." It is a result of intense study, reflection and a sincere desire to understand things for what they are, not for what we want them to be.


We are the same good people we always have been. We have faith in our ability to raise up good, moral, and decent children.


We don't expect you to view things the same way we do, but we do expect you to respect the process we’ve gone through to reach this point of view. We understand the reasons why you believe in the LDS faith and respect you. Please respect our decision and understand it was not made lightly -- mutual respect is paramount.

with love,
--- and ---

Your overall reply was cordial, pleasant and much less hard-hitting as I'd imagined it would be. However, that gave your dad an opening that he thought he would take to pull you right back in. Really, he's going to do a PPI with you and spouse after you've clearly expressed your none belief? Yet another meeting? Send a cordial, pleasant but vigorous "no thanks" immediately, and add that, as you said, you are fine and still the same people as before. Do not go to that 'meeting' that would be his battleground and it will be tedious for you.

You have to acknowledge that he has written this from a vantage point of authority and power over you, a perspective that you, whether by choice or circumstances, were, understandably, comfortable and compliant with in the past. So in this respect, until you CLEARLY make known to him that you reject this type of interaction between the two of you, you really should not come down hard on him. He will not relent in speaking to you from this perspective unless you let him know, quite clearly, that you do NOT recognize THE CHURCH as THE CHURCH; you reject its authority and his to speak to you this way in this context. I know from experience that you can't have it both ways. Unless a Mormon knows that you do not recognize the authority of Mormonism, they will NOT cease speaking to you from a "church authority" perspective.

I would focus on his paragraph about why he thinks you left and give him the real story; you may have to hit a bit harder than you have before in order to drive home the point.

On another note: What DID they have you do with the kitten and a general question...Are many Mormons (particularly the TBM UT type) averse to having cats and dogs as pets? We have a HUGE extended TBM family with 40 + married nieces and nephews and only a handful have a pet cat or dog..and of the ones who do they are ALL outside pets. (And I'm sorry but to me, that really doesn't count.) I don't think any of the Mollies in the family can STAND to have a pet in the house.

Your ultimate reply was good. Short and sweet gets the job done.

Fact is, from his lengthy rendition of all the Church positions he's held, the people he's known, and the various and sundry "holiness" activities, he's simply not going to HEAR you when you try to explain your point of view.

So, keep your contacts cordial, express your happiness that he has found fulfillment, and then just let it go.

Don't even GIVE him an opportunity to argue. Because each one of your reasons has a rubber-stamped Church answer, and nothing will get through.

If he tries to bring up anything LDS-related, simply say, "We're not going to talk about it."

Then mention the kids and all the wonderful things that kids do.

It simply isn't worth the wasted energy to try to bore through a concrete wall with a toothpick.


~VOW