I've decided I'm going to try going back to church. I haven't been for about 4 months now.
I'm having a really really hard time right now, I feel as though the rug has been pulled from under me. I feel I have lost the cause of all happiness in my life and I just want to be back to normality.
It's so difficult as you all know. Once you open the proverbial pandora's box, you can't un-know what you know about the fabrication of the church.
I'm 18 and I feel like if I don't have the church I don't have friends, family or a place where I belong.
I was texting my bishop last night and he just made everything so much better, I'm going to go and talk with him on Sunday.

Just remember that all the issues that you had there before will still be there. Also remember that the only power they have over you is what you give them. You have the right and the power to walk out again at any time.

There are also plenty of places to find friends who won't be so conditional. Real friends don't stop being your friends because you change your religious beliefs.

No, no, no sweety! Please don't! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

Of course we all need friends and family, but if they truly love you then it won't matter to them what your religious beliefs are. Have you thought about joining a club or group with similar interests, volunteering at a local homeless shelter, joining a college-age church (anything, non-lds) group?

Can you move out of state for college? Joint a Campus club?

Heck - you could join the military and get far away and you wouldn't even have to tell anyone that you left the church. IMO the Air Force is the best branch, especially for a female.

Whatever you do, don't date lds boys - once you are married and have kids in the cult, it will be a million times harder to leave. You know the truth and it is not found within the lds church.

axeldc is right. The issues you have had will not be solved by a return. It seems to me you are looking for a kind of unconditional acceptance and love. This is understandable, especially at a young age. But it also makes you very vulnerable to harm. Whatever you do, protect yourself. Do not be used, do not be coerced to anything you are not at peace with. Also, please know that there are many people around ready and willing to be your friend and support, without the requirement that you believe in myths and fairy tales.

days text their bishops? Have their bishops friended on facebook?

Oh my!

Yeah that's really weird haha I'm only 19 but that definitely never happened when I still went to church

You need to have a greater diversity of friends than just those that you meet through the Mormon church.

Are you in college? Most kids your age meet their friends through school. Or they meet them in the military or through their jobs. What are your educational and career plans? All women should be prepared to support themselves at a well-paying job (whether they actually seek employment or not.)

The mormon church owes you comfort and kindness and they've set you up to need it from them.

I went back to church for a time at about your age because I was lonely and not ready to find my own way. Within a year or so, I was ready to leave the familiar comfort zone and I could no longer stomach the regimental thinking and petty air-headed social system.

Once i realized I had a choice, I left for good and haven't been sorry for a minute.

Good luck to you.

There goes 10% of your income....

start looking at wedding dresses because they have your whole life mapped out. When something is comforting and familiar, one doesn't have to THINK about it. But beneath all of the plastic smiles is a cult. Really. Most of us have been through it... creepy temple endowment, many callings, exhaustion, etc. I would hope you could read this board for a few more weeks and do some research about church history before jumping back in.

Read the post up now about Sunday's and mental abuse. Do you REALLY want to live like that the rest of your life?


http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,339115



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2011 08:37AM by FreeRose.

You are absolutely right about opening up the Pandora's Box.

And it may not ever be "normal" now because you can't un-know those things.

You have support here if you need it.

I am not eighteen but the same thing happened to my family and myself. The rug got pulled out from under our feet and the church came running to pick us up.

So we went back.

We got hurt by them worse than I could ever have imagined and it will take a long time to get over it.

Just a thought, and I am not being mean. It's embarrassing I had to wait to learn this lesson so late in life. I always knew that nostalgia wore rose colored glasses, meaning when you look back on something, it appears sweeter or better than it really was.

I guess the question I should have asked myself and this is the lesson is...."If I wasn't in this situation, would I go back to church." If the answer is, 'no,' then avoid the church. If the answer is, 'yes, well then I wish you well.

What I am saying that if a the church, or any church only appears good and inviting just because we are having a hard time in life, that should be a red flag to warn us of trouble ahead.

In any event, I hope you are going to go to college or vocational school, get a part time job and meet diverse people your age.

Yes yes, I know for those who want to post that church is for times of trouble and troubled water...and all that.

I am not talking about that.

What I am referring to is if the only way we would want to attend a LDS church, AFTER knowing all we do, is because the transistion out of it is too hard, or because we hit rough times, then we are returning to a dysfunctional relationship for dysfunctional reasons.

It is like returning to an abusive relationship because that became normal to us and it is too scary being out on our own rebuilding our lives or because we don't like being by ourselves and fall into the thinking that any relationship, even bad ones are better than being alone, when in fact, having no one is better than having bad people who hurt us in our lives.

It's very difficult to leave a cult during the teen years.

Young adulthood is a challenging time of transition for almost everyone. Leaving the mormon church for anyone born into it is very difficult. Putting the two together is more than anyone can understand unless they try hard to see it and think hard on the subject.

Leaving early does save a person longterm lifetime grief but it's a daunting road to take with no real life support and very little life experience and maturity.

It's just too easy to toss out off the top easy answers to a teen at loose ends or in the depths of dispare. Frankly, I think some posters do this out of jealousy because they wish they'd had the insight to see through the morg at that age.

...it won't be long before you start inching out of the church again. All those good things you're going back for probably won't be the same. They might seem hollow or even annoying.

You're at a very resilient age. Our lives get more complicated and harder to change as we get older.

Being alone can be rough, but not nearly as rough as being surrounded by people who love a sick institution more than you. Loneliness is temporary.

So a made up pretend world view is supposed to give you comfort and make it all better?

My advice is to stop looking back, and to start looking forward. Life will always have it's ups and downs. Take some time early this weekend, and think of a world or community problem that you think is awful and you would like to see it go away. Now do some Google work to find others who are concerned about that same problem, or to help identify possible solutions. Look at your gifts and talents and think how you can use those to help with the problem. Instead of going to services on Sunday, get involved solving that one single problem. That is where you will find peace, and the world will be better for it.

Thank you for most of the comments guys, it means a lot.
There is no pressure from anybody to go back to church. I just feel like, I am missing out on so much. I don't get invited to anything anymore, I would just do anything to be ignorant to the truth again. But I know I would be lying to myself.
I work an internship that doesn't allow me to meet any people of my own age (everyone is 35+). So it's just very difficult to meet any new people.

I totally understand how you feel and respect your decision. We have a son who is almost 18. He's been in and out of church for years, and, honestly, is the main reason we all came to our senses about the "truthfullness of the gospel." Our attitude with our kids now is that they can go to whatever part of church they want to, or none at all (secretly our preference), as long as they feel they are getting something positive out of it. That is the purpose of religion. It's to make you a better person and to ADD something POSITIVE to your life. As soon as it isn't TRULY contributing positively to your life, it's time to move on. Many members end up staying out of guilt or obligation even though their hearts aren't in it. We were like that for several years until we decided that we're not getting anything out of our time. It had just become a frustrating, embarrassing, isolating experience to be there. Some people have a different experience. They find that they are getting enough back for their efforts, and it is worth it to them to stay. Only you can decide that for yourself. Plus, you won't be going into it blindly. Just know that you have lots of people here that are thinking of you and wishing you lots of happiness and success in your future :)

It's hard when you transition out of school and into an adult job environment. It's hard right now and may be difficult once again when you graduate from college. I went through it as well -- I think that most people do. You feel as if all the fun has been sucked out of your life (although it does depend on the workplace. Some are more youth-oriented than others.)

Hang in there and do what you need to do to keep yourself happy. Just remember to take everything with a grain of salt. The church does *not* need ten percent of your scarce funds, and you do *not* need to overshare with the bishop. Remember that all of the modesty/chastity/worthiness stuff is way overblown. And do keep trying to make friends outside of the church. It may take a while, but ultimately it's doable. Those friends will stick by you no matter what you ultimately choose regarding religion.

Elaine Dalton Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> But I know I would be lying to myself.

you're actually lying to yourself IF YOU GO BACK, if you really do "know about the fabrication of the church" as you say you do. maybe try match dot com or take up a hobby/course if you want to meet people. go back to church if you like, but realize most of the people there are fake friends who will drop you once you leave. it's highly likely that your bishop looks at you as a statistic, to improve his "stewardship". please share the sms conversation here to show how he "made everything just so much better"--i'm dreadfully curious =)

Ah, to be 18 again.

There is a phrase 'point of no return' which I think applies to discovering the truth about the lds church. Once you know it you cannot unknow it. Life is about changes and moving forward even if we'd love to stay comfortably were we are.

One of things I think the church teaches and is damaging to people is that it makes them doubt themselves and their own decisions and gut feelings. There is always an invitation to 'go back' 'to repent' 'to become like a child' all over again. In real life we cannot undo or go back, in real life we pick up the pieces and move forward.

If you need to revist the church, go ahead and do it. We all break off in different ways. Learn to trust yourself, your thoughts and feelings, and be yourself. My advise would be go with wide-open eyes, don't tell the bishop everything, tell him some and wait for his thoughts and reaction. Think of you, of what you want and how the church can fit into your life, not the other way around, do not make yourself fit into the church. And last, do not pay tithing, save that money during the next months until you decide what will be best for you.

I still attend church, somehow I cannot break free but it's a matter of time. But now I attend with open eyes, not trying to conform and obey but observing, listening and studying the whole environment and believe me, what people express here is so true.

Oh, and one more thing, do not confuse your search for God with belonging to a church, they are different journeys.

Good luck,

D =)

You get to decide where you go and why. You are going to have to leave high school at some point. I just hope that going forward, you will have the courage to go and do whatever you do because it is what you want, not just because you are afraid of the alternative. Fear is powerful, but it is a terrible basis for one's life and will leave you filled with regret.

Some people are in and out of Mormonism. It can take a while to figure out what works after finding out that Mormonism is a fraud. One of my friends left as a flaming atheist and then she went back and basically plays the role of a TBM because it works for her.

It sounds like you are young enough to set up a life for yourself that is not completely dependent on Mormonism. My friend and her husband didn't figure it out until their mid-30's with a bunch of kids. Their lives were just too tied up in Mormonism and they do not have the ability to cope outside of the shell.

That is one of the bad things about being inside of Mormonism for so long. Mormons miss out on lessons that other people learn in their teens and twenties.

Hey, I've been around some and let me tell ya, I WISH I had walked out the chapel door at 18. My life would have definitely been better; not perfect but less stress, less sickness, less mental anguish. And definitely 10% richer when I started working. I would probably be retiring early had I put away that 10% towards a good pension.

Friends? Why do they have to all come from church? What's wrong with seeking out Christian, Buddhist or Muslim friends? Or atheists? Please don't knock it till you've experienced life outside The Village. This is my testimony to you.

Have you ever seen anyone take apart a measuring tape, and after it has sprung try to wind th razor sharp tape back up tight enough to get it back in, hold it in, and try to put the rest back together with the other hand? If you have seen this, you will know that someone is going to experience a couple hours worth of frustration, and cussing only to chuck the old tape and go buy a new one. Your mind has been "sprung" and you can try to shove, twist, push, pull it back in, but you are just going to waste precious time, and bloody up your hands for no reason.

Your plan is on par with taking a drink out of a carton of milk and finding it is curdled and sour, then puting it back in the fridge and trying it again the next day to see if it is better now.

I wish you luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/11/2011 11:15AM by jon1.

Mormonism can't and won't help you.But they will take your money and your free work.

Are you really willing to throw your life away for a little companionship from a cult?
The cost is too high.

You will be much better off if you can ride out your current feelings of loneliness.

Or you could always talk to a non-Mormon therapist for while, they will give much better advise than from untrained bishop.

... than an untrained bishop.

Good Morning elaine dalton

I have a 20 year old that is going through a lot of the same thing. Since he was 18 he has had questions and concerns and he is looking. He has a lot of friends in the church and outside of the church and as his parent I tell him to do what he feels is best for him. He attends the main meeting with his family and then he goes and hangs out with his other friends. He has found a way to balance his church friends and his other friends. Don't forget who is in charge of your life, think for yourself don't let them think for you. You can still have your friends in and out of the church, let them know they have to respect your choice. Like suzie I/Q has said in several posts in the past Mormonism is like a clan/family it is hard to walk away from that. Don't forget that you have a choice, don't give that away.

LDS INC is a Crutch for many including my Mom and Sisters. Until you can fill that hole with Enlightenment Well Being/Prosperity it's hard to break free from. HAI (Human Awareness Institute helped me do just that. HAI.org I can tell you that there is a healthy, fulfilling and rewarding social life on the outside. You don't have to be in the craziness to have that. Good luck

Always go forward, never backwards. It takes a little bravery sometimes, and you've got some.

I remember when I had no friends at all. The depths of loneliness were filled with despair. But I stuck it out, and when I finally found friends, they were so real and it was so much better than anything I had ever had.

Don't cheat yourself out of the fullness of life-it's not in the mormon church. That is a carefully crafted mirage.

Going back to the church is only a bandage. The wound will still be there.

We'll be here when you need us...that you can be sure of.

Meanwhile, where do you live? I have a couple of kids your age...

I am 20, I left the church at 18 and don't regret it at all. You will make new friends trust me. Once you know the truth you cant go back. I know its hard but it is worth it.There are so many people, don't tie yourself down with only interacting with church members its not worth it. When you can go away to school that will help you make plenty of friends. The Mormon population is only .002 something of the world , you don't want to be only able to make friends with that small group. Try to meet as many people as you can. You will find true friends that accept you for who you are as a person and not by your religion. If those people were truly your friends they would still talk to you and invite you ( to non church things ). When I learned the truth and left the church I quickly found out who were my real friends and that is something that everyone goes through. I know its tempting to go back because it seems like it would be easier but its not. You would be living a lie. Live your life the way YOU want to not what a church or their members tell you. It is hard now because of our age but once you recover and break free it is worth it. I can promise you that.

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
-Hamlet, Act I, scene iii

I did that. It was one of the single biggest mistakes of my life.

I've been around a long time,i've made a lot of mistakes. But that by far and away has been the biggest one.

This sounds like a story concocted by LD$. Inc.

There are benefits to holding onto your social network, especially at your age.
This is your life. You take charge. You'll figure it out.

I tried to go back too when I was your age. And I never even liked attending church in the first place.

It lasted less than 2 months and I was finished. As you said, Elaine, you've already opened that box and you can't pack all those bad things back into it. But, like Pandora, you do have hope.

I hope you find the path that is best for you.

Good luck.

Erin

Good luck. You may find comfort, but more likely you will be shoving a square peg into a round hole. Please try to find alternatives to make friends that won't stifle you in so many ways- try meetup, try red.dit, try anything, just don't feel that an institution like church is your only option for connecting with others.

"For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."
Carl Sagan

once you know that the church is a man-made scam. Think about how it will affect you to listen to sermons and lessons that idolize Joseph Smith, when you understand that he was a lecher and a liar. How will you like being subject to male "priesthood holders" who treat women like second class citizens?

When you find yourself in a hole, the best advice is to stop digging it deeper. That may feel better temporarily but in the long term it solves nothing.