Posted by:
cludgie
(
)
Date: January 01, 2012 01:12PM
I was adding this to the other garment thread when I decided to go rogue and do my own thread on this. Please add more "great moments if you think of them:
- The men's button-sleeve neck: These were already gone by the time I started wearing garments, but the father of a well-known ex-Mormon showed them to me once. The left sleeve was entirely open and buttoned up along the upper shoulder. That way it presented a huge neck you could crawl into, and then button up the shoulder afterward. It was weird and uncomfortable, according to him, and was a Bad Idea in Garments.
- The Sportsman: This garment was for sports in which you could wear a garment, like baseball or softball, which, as you know, involves long hours in a game where physical activity is either short-lived or non-existent. It had what was billed as a "comfortably oversized" Helenca neck, which was open from the apex of one shoulder to the apex of the other, and the neck dipped down to mid-chest and mid-back. You ended up looking a bit like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in his infamous picture, only his photo was more becoming. The other unique attribute was the support cup. The cup which holds the man's junk had extra support by means of a seam that ran up to mid-belly, thereby pulling up on the cup as if you were wearing a jockstrap. It looked as though abdominal surgery had been performed through the garment.
- The 100% Nylon Garment: Can you say "fire hazard?" You would generate electricity as you moved about, sparking on whatever you touched. It was a good idea to change into cotton before filling the tank of your car. The worst part was that they did not breathe at all. All moisture and heat trapped beneath stayed beneath. The second-worst part was that they did not stretch or give. If you moved, some part of your body would take the brunt. If you bent over, you were either gouged in the shoulders by the seam, or the butt flap would ram itself up your crack in an often painful way. If you were a man, you might reach for something only to have the crotch cup either squeeze the scrotum or crush a testicle or both. While it was always embarrassing to cry out and grab your crotch in sacrament meeting, the good part was that they never wore out. Never. The elastic would wear out, the marks would come unstitched, the hems would fall out, and the stitching on the neck would unravel, but he garment itself always remained intact, and would do so for the next century.
- The button-up and zip-up ordinance garment: You might remember that in the temple Mormons once had to wear the long "ordinance garment," finally done away with under the Kimball regime. It had old-world, 18th-19th Century ties that the ordinance worker would tie for you during the initiatory "placing of the garment" part where he would open the leg of the garment and you--naked--would step into it. He helped you pull it up around your shoulders and he would tie it. It was a very intimate moment. But the garment had no crotch, and like some sort of bizarre Frederick's of Hollywood underwear for men, you would walk away with your junk dangling out. Sometimes we wore briefs on top to prevent the unsightly pubic hair from showing through the white pants or to keep it from getting caught in the zipper of the pants, but many of the crazed Nazi temple workers and patrons believe this to be "inappropriate." TSCC finally came out with ordinance garments that 1.) had a crotch and 2.) buttoned up the chest. Ordinance workers hated them because it was harder to button up someone's underwear (starting at the pubic bone, I might add) than it was to tie up those little strings. But for the temple "patron," truly it was A Great Moment.
- The One-Piece Garment: I mean, what were they thinking? Why did they have to be one-piece to begin with? You'd be in the gym at the military base where you were stationed, and be the only one in long underwear, everyone staring at you while you opened the neck and crawled inside. We all had our own tricks to mitigate the strangeness: We would, for instance, step in as if they were briefs, leaving the top part crumpled around the waist. Then we'd put on pants and all that, and finally pull the top up around our shoulders before putting on the rest of the uniform. The two-piece were a godsend to military members. But then we began to have to wear olive and khaki T-shirts, so then you found yourself wearing two T-shirts. Then the Air Force said that the T-shirt had to show (the AF commander thought wife-beater underwear was "unprofessional"), and we found ourselves wearing two T-shirts again until the church came out with the crew neck top.
I sure wish I had it to do over again. I'd gin up my own garment, I would. I'd wear standard T-shirts and boxer briefs, and draw the marks right onto my skin with a Sharpie.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/01/2012 01:50PM by cludgie.