Posted by:
anagrammy
(
)
Date: January 16, 2012 03:01PM
To a woman, making a negative comment on FB is like making a scene in public, only worse because the witnesses aren't strangers. There's no saying to yourself, "Oh well, I'll never see them again, thank goodness." It's your family, your friends, even people you went to high school with.
It's humiliating.
Now add to that the entire umbrella of Mormon Women's Gossipland. In this alternate universe, a woman's worth is computed based on how/where she was born, her ethnicity/color, whether she is BIC or a descendant, comes from money, is blonde, if not, is hot, and then add a dumptruck load of Mormon commandments.
You may not realize it, but a Mormon woman with an apostate husband (or even a doubting/questioning husband) is blamed and pitied. She loses status/worth in the eyes of the Mormon culture, the only people that matter, God's only true people.
How is she blamed? Easy--if she were more faithful, more dutiful, more worthy, prayed more, etc., she would have set an inspiring model for you and you would have drawn closer to the Lord.
The unfortunate consequence of all those talks to inspire women is that the women take the opposite to apply to themselves, i.e,
"A woman of God magnifies the fruits of the Spirit in such a way as to lift her husband and support him in his Priesthood callings. She is SO IMPORTANT that a single man cannot expect exhaltation, not without his worthy partner by his side...blah, blah, blah.
Since your husband is wavering, you clearly see this public posting as a declaration before God and everyone on your own personal inadequacy to support this valuable priesthood holder in the work God planned for him on earth. Oh, he's not doing any work? He's folding laundry? You have just reduced him from a mighty bearded Melchisedek priesthood-holder to a p*ssy.
No wonder she's crying...
Runtu, this is brainwashing and it is not your fault. You are rational and she is functioning from inside the mirror funhouse that is a grossly distorted world view of women in Mormonism. What can you do? There is plenty you can do--don't be discouraged.
You can start by talking to her about her value. Tell her that you are the one who really sees her. That you see the real her that is underneath the Mormon role--the loving mother, the wonderful wife--take it from there and remember the good things about her that have NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT SHE DOES..no performance-based anything, just who she is, her Being.
She fears that she has lost your respect, her value, and her status in the bizarro Mormon world. Remind her that if she fails to wax the garden hose, she is still a woman with a husband who sees who she is, warts and all, and really loves her.
About her faith. Compliment her for her integrity and strengthen that. Tell her you admire her commitment to truth. Strengthen that. The love of truth plus integrity and an open mind will eventually lead her out of the church if you are patient and water the little sprouts of independent thought that you see.
You sound like a great husband --think of your children and their future as cult members. I hope that's a tear in your eye--if you can't muster the energy for the wife, do it for the kids. Be a super hero.
I'm in my sixties and I am both the goat and the superhero - the goat for getting into Mormonism and the heroine for getting everybody out. The thing I prize the most is what my daughter said to me yesterday, "Thanks so much for your wisdom, Mom, I feel so much better after talking to you." This daughter and I do not agree on her childraising technique, but the wisdom I give her is straight-forward reinforcement for her Being and the wisdom already inside her.
You don't have to agree about Monson to give her that. Best of luck, Runtu, it's not easy. You're the pioneer with a handcart of integrity plodding through uncharted family territory.
Anagrammy