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Posted by: exmo10yo ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 06:21PM

I am in a really difficult situation and would really love to hear from others on my problem. I was raised in the mormon church. I went every Sunday. As a kid, I held all of the leadership roles one could hold. I didn't go on a mission because my "testimony" just wasn't there. I rarely expressed my thoughts about the church because it felt so fake. I got married instead at the young age of 19. We had a civil marriage and got "sealed" in the SL temple exactly one year later, in June. OUr first child was conceived that same month and born 9 months later. We had another one 18 months after that. Life seemed to just roll along. I just did what I was told. Finally, after 22 years of marriage, I found a reason to take a job in another city and so I could commute (and get out of the situation as much as I could). Little did I know that the end of my marriage came after only a year or so of commuting (BTW, we got pregnant again, unplanned, and #3 child was born just before I started the new job). After one year of commuting, I met someone and fell in love. She was non-mormon and didn't really know much about the religion. We moved in together and I told my wife I wanted a divorce. She was very angry at first but then we finally ended the marriage.

Now for the problem:

My second wife and I have been married now for almost 8 years. We live in a different city than my kids (750 mi away) but we get to see them fairly often. My 10 yo girl spends time with us and loves her step mom. My ex (still single but has a BF) and I get along, no real problems at all. My older girls, now married and have small babies of their own, are warming up to us again. The problem is that my wife wants me to divorce my ex in the mormon church. She is adamant about it and says that our marriage will not be complete until I do this. We don't practice the religion. Heck, I met with a SP 9 yrs ago when we were living together (and before my divorce was final) and told him everything. I don't even know if I'm a member of the church anymore, and I really don't care. I have two main concerns: 1. Opening this "can of worms" will cause a huge issue between my ex-wife and I where we have things working just fine right now. I don't want to create problems that will be costly down the road due to our 10 yo. 2. My kids are STRONG believers of mormonism. If I do this, they will surely find out, and everything we have worked for will be ruined as far as my relationship with the older kids is concerned. If I lost my relationship with my older kids (and their kids), I would hold my wife accountable and would never be able to forgive her. I'm in a tough spot. Would love to hear from anyone who has been in this or a similar situation, or you just have thoughts about it. Also, I have no feelings for my ex wife. My wife sometimes thinks that I still have feelings for her. I don't. We are friends to the extent that she is the mother of my children, and I want to just keep it that way. We only communicate when it comes to the 10yo. Thx.

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Posted by: Mia ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 06:24PM

The church most likely will not bend t your wishes.
You really have no say in the matter.

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 06:30PM


u mean yr current wife (aka DW) won't take:

"God will straighten it all out in the Next Life"?

uppty wymen, That's Fer Shure.

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Posted by: lillium ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 06:35PM

Encourage your ex to marry in the temple. That way she'll be the one requesting the sealing cancellation.

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Posted by: Charlie ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 08:02PM

The truth of the matter is that they will not grant you a dissolution unless you are temple worthy. Your ex cannot obtain a dissolution unless it is in preparation for a new sealing.

I would suggest that you write to the FP office requesting the dissolution and then your current bride will be able to see their no dissolution policy in black and white.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 08:06PM

AFAIK the only way the church will grant a temple divorce is if your ex wants to remarry in the temple. They will not want to grant your ex a temple divorce otherwise, because the belief is that they would be denying your wife the "blessings" of the CK.

They will not grant you a temple divorce because of course polygamy is alive and well in the CK. In the church's eyes, why would you possibly object to having another wife?

Educate your new wife. If you explain it thoroughly in terms of wacky Mormon beliefs which you have no control over, my bet is that she'll get it.

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Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 08:41PM

I empathize with your current wife. My husband and his ex were sealed after they converted. Unlike you and your ex, my husband and his ex do not get along. His kids are very estranged and TBM and he hasn't talked to them in 7 years. She has remarried, but as far as I know, the sealing she has with my husband is still intact (i.e.; we haven't gotten anything from the church about a sealing cancellation, though my husband did resign a few years ago). For the first few years of our marriage, it did kind of bother me, because I figured the ex was still thinking she had a claim to him... She had told my husband that she had never wanted the divorce and didn't want to be married to her third husband. I didn't think he'd ever go back to her, but that sealing thing was just stuck in my craw.

But oddly enough, as the years went by and the ex did some truly mean and hateful things to destroy my husband's relations with his kids, I started to care a lot less about it. The LDS church is a bunch of horseshit anyway. Besides, my husband has made it very plain to me that he doesn't have any loving feelings for his ex-wife. That was visibly clear one morning when I accidentally happened to mention her name in the bedroom when we were about to have sex. He immediately lost his hard on. After that, I knew she was absolutely no threat and their "temple marriage/sealing" meant absolutely NOTHING to him. And that's really all that matters to me. As long as he doesn't have any thoughts of reconnecting with her, I'm cool. Of course, in the years since that bedroom incident, it's been made even clearer to me that he would never get back with her. He hasn't spoken to her in over five years.

Maybe your wife needs to spend some time among us here in exMormonland... It really is a meaningless thing if you don't believe in the mumbo jumbo. It sounds to me like your wife just needs to know in no uncertain terms that the fact that you have kids with your ex wife doesn't mean that you still have romantic feelings for her. I think it's great that you two can be civil though. Believe me, I wish that was how it could have been with my husband and his ex. Total estrangement from his daughters has been very difficult for him.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/01/2012 08:49PM by knotheadusc.

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Posted by: exmo10yo ( )
Date: March 02, 2012 12:05PM

Thx specifically for your reply. I'm sorry to hear about the relationship your husband has with his kids. That is very sad to me, and I hope things turn out for the both of you the way you want them to. I really appreciate your insight to this whole mess. It has helped a lot.

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Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: March 02, 2012 04:37PM

You're welcome.

I'm sorry my husband has a bad relationship with his kids, too. But that has a lot less to do with Mormonism than it does with the fact that his ex wife is just unreasonable and crazy. She did the same thing to her first husband and the son they had together and will likely do it again when she and her third husband split. And I'm pretty certain they will split eventually, though she may prove me wrong.

I hope my husband's daughters someday figure out what they've thrown away and come to their senses. But even if they don't, I hope they find peace. My husband and I are very happy and though it's been hard for him not to have contact with his daughters, he knows that they're young women who have to find their own way.

I wish you luck with your situation. It sounds like you're fortunate enough to have a reasonable ex wife and a good relationship with your kids. That's a blessing. Your wife probably just needs to be educated about Mormonism. Once I learned about it, it really helped me get over the sealing lunacy.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/02/2012 04:40PM by knotheadusc.

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Posted by: drjekyll ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 08:58PM

Make two very short and very concise communications to your ex-wife and to SLC.

To SLC, "I am legally divorced from X, cancel the Temple sealing as well, as soon as possible."

To ex-wife, something like "Given the fact that we are legally divorced, my new wife and I would like to be thorough and have the Temple sealing cancelled as well. I have contacted SLC about the situation, please co-operate with us in making that happen."

If it all gets taken care of with that, then you are done.

If they do not co-operate, then you are still done and can turn to your new wife and say, "I have requested that the Temple sealing be cancelled, and no one is willing to co-operate with me."

Then go on living your life as you normally do, because in reality the LDS church's idea that you are sealed is irrelevant. It is all just a part of their paper fantasy.

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Posted by: untarded ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 09:20PM

Doesn't apostasy cancel all that crap? Make sure to get your name removed.

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Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: March 01, 2012 09:29PM

You would think name removal does cancel the sealing, but I have read from others on this board that name removal does not cancel sealings because you could decide to come back. If you come back, the sealing would be valid again. My husband's ex managed to convince her third husband to convert, but we never got any paperwork about a sealing cancellation. My husband was simply inactive for four years after we got married and not a peep from his ex about getting sealed. She didn't know that he resigned. And my husband was also sealed to his kids, who would be considered "innocent", even though my husband went apostate.

But really, it doesn't mean a damn thing.

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Posted by: exmo10yo ( )
Date: March 02, 2012 12:04PM

Thank you to all who have responded. It has been very helpful. I told my wife yesterday that I am not opening the "can of worms" and that we don't believe in all that crap anyway. She can either love me with all her heart as we continue a fantastic life, or it would continue to be a problem that could ultimately end our marriage. Would be very sad if the latter were the case. I would be devistated. BUT, I will not jeopardize my relationship with my kids and grandkids. That just won't happen. It took her an evening (last night) to let it sink in. Wasn't the happiest evening in the exmo10yo household, but I think it's sinking in for her. I just want to leave all the momo crap behind me and not give it anymore attention. My time is more valuable than that.

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Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: March 02, 2012 12:06PM

Good for you. There's no need for a silly thing like sealing to come between you and your wife. It means nothing.

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Posted by: omreven ( )
Date: March 02, 2012 12:50PM

I totally get where your wife is coming from, but I have to agree, it's not a can of worms I would be willing to open either. I have a good enough working relationship with my ex, there's not a lot I would be willing to do to disrupt it, not with the kids. Mormonism has this nasty habit of creating division and ill feelings in families all by itself and there's no point in adding to that if you don't have to. Your wife should be pleased with the fact that you're the one that gets to pick whether you're going to call your ex across the veil, and it's really the ex who's eternal salvation is on the line here. I would suggest your wife spends some time here and elsewhere on the web. I totally understand where she's coming from. I can't say a previous sealing would be a deal-breaker for me with a future husband, but it's there, and I get it, but I think with the kids and grandkids and having a good working relationship with your ex-wife and the 10-year-old, it's something that's best put to rest, at least for now.

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Posted by: imaworkinonit ( )
Date: March 02, 2012 01:23PM

you can do about it anyway.

They will NOT cancell her sealing to you unless she is preparing to be sealed to another man. Period.

I've read cases of women who were married in the temple to horribly abusive men, who divorced them legally. And the church would never cancel the sealing, EVEN IF the man was still using that sealing to emotionally abuse the women and try to maintain control even after the divorce.

I know of a case where the the church refused to cancel a sealing for someone I know, even though both people getting married were temple worthy.

It's at the church's discretion. If you can call it that.

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Posted by: Lethbridge Reprobate ( )
Date: March 02, 2012 04:07PM

I am sooo glad I didn't get married in the temple (which would have been problematic owing to the fact my wife is Catholic).

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: March 02, 2012 04:42PM

kind of a Ripple Effect there;

wife divorces DH #1 after a sealing/temple wedding, a boatload of kids.

she HATES him (which is O.K. in Morland)

She finds Guy #2; her First Priority is to DUMP her sealing;

If she wants to end her sealing, 'Must' she find a Guy#2 that isn't (previously) sealed to HIS wife #1 (one that wasn't previously Sealed)?

OOOOOOOOO the Headaches!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/02/2012 04:42PM by guynoirprivateeye.

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