Several people have asked recently regarding shunning. I thought I would post a suggestion which is beautiful in its simplicity and which strengthens the exmormon's commitment to truth.

Shunning is institutionalized fear. It is tribal fear that a member questioning/leaving will degrade or weaken the tribe by spreading their views or behaviors, which are contrary to the group.

We stop being passive aggressive by being direct and staying with expressing our own feelings. Similarly, dealing with shunning can strengthen you by giving you the opportunity to express acceptance and love to those who are rejecting you. This is Christ-like in the Christian context and Buddha-like in the Buddhist context, and Confucious-like, etc, etc. It is spiritual truth which transcends religious differences.

Approach the person who is shunning IN PERSON and ask them if you can have a word with them.

"I can see that you are upset that (I, our family) have left the church. I want you to know that I came to know you when we worked on (XX), the real you who is a wonderful (mother/father, friend). Your character and love for (your family/animals/the needy) is an inspiration to me and goes beyond Mormonism. I want to continue to be close as (friends, family) because our leaving has nothing to do with our feelings for you.

I completely understand if you feel you cannot continue to be close, but I wanted you to understand exactly how (I/we) feel about you (and your family)."


This approach is so refreshing--it is the very opposite of the passive aggressive shunning that it serves as the antidote to that mindset. It is good for you to say and it is good for them to hear.

Simple honest loving speech is anti-shunning. Can you imagine how hard it is to shun a person who has spoken to you in such an honest open fashion? It forces them to look at you as a human being with a heart instead of the dehumanizing label of "apostate--under the control of Satan."

Sometimes we forget that the shunners are just other victims. They are us before we woke up. They are you before you read about XXX and we can be compassionate and loving to them, hoping that someday these people will have the wonderful opportunity that we now have--the chance to live a life of freedom from guilt and coercion, a chance to be who we really are. Becoming shunners was not what anybody signs up to be. It's not who they thought they would become when they were baptized. It's not the legacy they thought they were getting from their pioneer ancestors. It's nothing anyone feels proud of--even if they put on an angry front. You gently cal them on it when you speak in love.

If you are kind and honest and straight with them, in great contrast to Mormon policy regarding apostates, you will become one part of the mosaic of a possible alternate reality that does not square with what what Mormonism has taught them.

It is unnatural for a father to shun his son because his son, as an adult, no longer believes what the father has taught. We all know that our children grow up and make their own choices. The Mormon church actually punishes a member who does NOT shun. The Bishop asks as part of the Temple worthiness interview if the member has any association or sympathy with apostates. If they say, "Yes, my son," they could be refused a temple recommend. Even if they are a full tithe-payer. You begin to appreciate the sick values that are really being taught by this supposedly family-friendly church.

They would not have to coerce their members like this if they had the truth. Truth stands on its own merits. Truth prevails--it does not need cruelty to support it.

It is not easy to be straightforward after years of being taught to be indirect, to refer to authority, to cite scriptures or apostles, to defer to vagueness like the "Plan of Salvation." Mormon prophets teach people to say things like, "I am not sure we teach that."

Be the best anti-Mormon you can by doing the opposite of that. Be loving, be straight, be truthful and if they choose to ignore you or shun you, rest assured that they know they are dissing someone who cared enough to speak their truth straight and with love. This is a seed of doubt in the whole "we have the most light and truth" matrix.

Namaste :)


Anagrammy

"They are us before we woke up."

Brilliant and eloquent. Deserves a Facebook post all its own on our pages.

Topping this.

I think gossip and prejudice are forms of shunning too because they're still trying to outcast you from the group and debase you as a person. I have a hard time not judging back against Mormons because when you're pushed you wanna' push back. I am guilty of shunning Mormons, too.

"The Bishop asks as part of the Temple worthiness interview if the member has any association or sympathy with apostates."

Do they really ask that? Seriously?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/23/2012 05:43PM by happyexmormon.

I completely agree with you. I have a hard time not "shunning" back. I mean, it's only natural I guess when you are put on the defensive. But then I remember that real "unconditional" love requires just that...no conditions! Easy to say, harder to live, but not impossible to do if you put your mind to it.

anagrammy Wrote:
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> They would not have to coerce their members like this if they had the truth. Truth stands on its own merits. Truth prevails--it does not need cruelty to support it.

Beautifully stated.

Thanks for another beautiful post. Your insights are always appreciated.

One of my children is now using my mantra for shunning attacks:

"You are going to hell"

--You may be right.

"You have a dark countenance"

--You may be right, I'll look into it.

"You have lost the Holy Spirit"

--You may be right, I'll check.


This is what the Bible means, "A soft answer turneth away wrath." When you don't judge the accuser, it speaks volumes.

:)

Ana

Isn't one of the questions asked when you are interviewed for a TR, etc., is "Are you honest in your dealings with your fellow man?"?

And how does shunning work with Article of Faith 1:11 "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

I really don't want any rationale from this point of view, but I can completely embrace Anagrammy's approach to openess and honesty. I will apply this not only in a religon/religous context but with dealings at work and with family and friends.

Thank you Anagrammy for sharing your wisdom.

You're welcome.

Simple Truth is the power now bringing down the Mormon Church in front of our very eyes. Like a Japanese monster movie where the giant (ape/lizard/spider) is screaming and thrashing, knocking over buildings as legs are severed and fall crashing to the earth.

And we all know the last act of the giant termite queen as she dies is to release her eggs into a new tunnel.

Expect a Reformed Mormon Church. Expect spinoffs.


Anagrammy