Posted by:
anagrammy
(
)
Date: March 23, 2012 01:56PM
Several people have asked recently regarding shunning. I thought I would post a suggestion which is beautiful in its simplicity and which strengthens the exmormon's commitment to truth.
Shunning is institutionalized fear. It is tribal fear that a member questioning/leaving will degrade or weaken the tribe by spreading their views or behaviors, which are contrary to the group.
We stop being passive aggressive by being direct and staying with expressing our own feelings. Similarly, dealing with shunning can strengthen you by giving you the opportunity to express acceptance and love to those who are rejecting you. This is Christ-like in the Christian context and Buddha-like in the Buddhist context, and Confucious-like, etc, etc. It is spiritual truth which transcends religious differences.
Approach the person who is shunning IN PERSON and ask them if you can have a word with them.
"I can see that you are upset that (I, our family) have left the church. I want you to know that I came to know you when we worked on (XX), the real you who is a wonderful (mother/father, friend). Your character and love for (your family/animals/the needy) is an inspiration to me and goes beyond Mormonism. I want to continue to be close as (friends, family) because our leaving has nothing to do with our feelings for you.
I completely understand if you feel you cannot continue to be close, but I wanted you to understand exactly how (I/we) feel about you (and your family)."
This approach is so refreshing--it is the very opposite of the passive aggressive shunning that it serves as the antidote to that mindset. It is good for you to say and it is good for them to hear.
Simple honest loving speech is anti-shunning. Can you imagine how hard it is to shun a person who has spoken to you in such an honest open fashion? It forces them to look at you as a human being with a heart instead of the dehumanizing label of "apostate--under the control of Satan."
Sometimes we forget that the shunners are just other victims. They are us before we woke up. They are you before you read about XXX and we can be compassionate and loving to them, hoping that someday these people will have the wonderful opportunity that we now have--the chance to live a life of freedom from guilt and coercion, a chance to be who we really are. Becoming shunners was not what anybody signs up to be. It's not who they thought they would become when they were baptized. It's not the legacy they thought they were getting from their pioneer ancestors. It's nothing anyone feels proud of--even if they put on an angry front. You gently cal them on it when you speak in love.
If you are kind and honest and straight with them, in great contrast to Mormon policy regarding apostates, you will become one part of the mosaic of a possible alternate reality that does not square with what what Mormonism has taught them.
It is unnatural for a father to shun his son because his son, as an adult, no longer believes what the father has taught. We all know that our children grow up and make their own choices. The Mormon church actually punishes a member who does NOT shun. The Bishop asks as part of the Temple worthiness interview if the member has any association or sympathy with apostates. If they say, "Yes, my son," they could be refused a temple recommend. Even if they are a full tithe-payer. You begin to appreciate the sick values that are really being taught by this supposedly family-friendly church.
They would not have to coerce their members like this if they had the truth. Truth stands on its own merits. Truth prevails--it does not need cruelty to support it.
It is not easy to be straightforward after years of being taught to be indirect, to refer to authority, to cite scriptures or apostles, to defer to vagueness like the "Plan of Salvation." Mormon prophets teach people to say things like, "I am not sure we teach that."
Be the best anti-Mormon you can by doing the opposite of that. Be loving, be straight, be truthful and if they choose to ignore you or shun you, rest assured that they know they are dissing someone who cared enough to speak their truth straight and with love. This is a seed of doubt in the whole "we have the most light and truth" matrix.
Namaste :)
Anagrammy