Sister Monson's (or any GA wife) best friend calls up and asks how things are going. She replies: "A few minutes ago I sent him out to my garden to get a cabbage for dinner and he keeled over dead."
"Oh no! What are you going to do?"
"Open a can of peas instead."
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Why were the Mormon girls disqualified from the Green Jello wrestling contest?
Illegal use of raisins.

Pay Lay Alol

Okay, so there is this Stake President summoned to SLC to a meeting at the COB with several of the Apostles up on the penthouse floor. He enters the elevator and notices a gorgeous woman who throws him a knowing smile..... "How would you like to make me a REAL WOMAN" she exclaims......... "Sure thing Sister ! " he answers. He jams the emergency button stopping the elevator between floors, tears off all his clothes tossing them in a pile and passionately cries out- There you go, now pick them up and fold them !!!!

Two Missionaries from adjoining ward wards would meet each morning in front of the local park to go out for "splits" ....Having no transportation they would canvass the neighborhoods on foot.
One morning, one of the Mish's arrives at the park to meet his fellow missionary aboard a beautiful shiny new bicycle. The other young man exclaims in disbelief " I know you don't even have enough cash to buy your groceries for the month - so how in the flip could you afford that bike ???" The moblie elder replied.... " Well, last night when we went our separate ways home, I saw this gorgeous young woman pass slowly on this bike. She stopped and beckoned me to the side of the road, tore off all her clothes, and said " See anything you like,- it's yours !!! " Well I walked over and took the bike knowing the Lord meant for me to choose it....." He friend replied, Thank the Heavenly Father the Spirit inspired you to take the bike,- I doubt her clothes would have fit you !!!

Two Irishmen in SLC Public Works Department were patching a pothole in the street in front of one of the city's notorious Cathouses. They notice the local Baptist Minister exiting the building sheepishly and of course it doesn't escape their attention that he must have been misbehaving. A bit later one of the GA's stumples out a bit rumpled and worse for wear and one Irishman comments to the other the world must be going to hell in a handcart when men of the church take up with prostitutes ! Not five minutes later they see Father O'Malley from St. Brigid's Catholic Church where they attend come out the front door of the whorehouse...... One says to the other," God bless Fr. O'Malley, one of the gals must be sick and he's bringing her the sacrament !"

A Mormon and an Irishman are on an airplane. The flight attendant asks the Irishman what he would like to drink and he orders a whiskey. After serving the whiskey, the flight attendant asks the Mormon what he would like to drink. The Mormon indignantly huffs "I would sooner be savagely gangraped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!!". The Irishman hands the Flight Attendant his whiskey and says "Me too, I did not realize that was an option!"

Hulk Hogan over the mic at WCW Monday Night Nitro in SLC circa 1998

"I've beaten Roddy Piper more times than Brigham Young had wives!"

Because 40 is just too many! (Bada bing bada boom)

Why do mormons get good grades in school? Because they have nine mothers telling them to do their homework.

A young mormon lady seen a young man at the church dance. He was standing by himself and seemed very uncomfortable, so she went over to meet him and make him welcome. He told her he had been in prison for the last 5 years for choping his wife into pieces and disposing of the body. His lawyer had got his case overturned on a loophole. It was his first day out.
She sighed,,"Oh you ARE single?"

When I was at BYU, we had a a parade and wanted all of the virgins of BYU to be on the float. Sadly one was sick and the other was out of town.