I came across my patriarchal blessing today. Reading it for the first time since leaving the church I actually found it to be funny. Here are some quotes I enjoyed

“Study the gospel intently. Study the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon.”
Because the Bible doesn’t really matter, right?

“We live in a troubled world where there are many evils amongst us. Satan would weave his wand in every direction that we walk these days.”
Is that meant to be dirty? When receiving the blessing I had to try really hard not to laugh at that.

And of course he didn’t forget to add “Pay your tithes and your offerings.”

Gotta love brainwashing!

Does anybody else get a kick from reading their blessings now that they are out of the cult?

I shredded my patriarchal blessing yesterday. I read it one last time, though, and I got a kick out of the line that told me that as the Lord cleanses the earth in preparation for his second coming, I would be "in the midst of danger, even as it may rage about you as in a fiery furnace," but that as long as I was worthy, I would be able to "still the elements" through the power of the priesthood. Jesus Q. Christ.

My parents were there w/me and it was a really awkward 'wtf' moment for me.

Wait, am I still on wcg's "religion is like a penis" thread?

Haha!

"Never be ashamed of the gospel of Christ".

Maybe they were on to something!

Mine told me that I would be on the earth to witness the second coming of Christ if I obeyed all the commandments from that point on.

Talk about an impossible goal - obey EVERY commandment? How's that for setting someone up for failure?

But there is a positive side, you can all rest assured that the second coming won't happen as long as I'm alive, and I think I have a few good years left.

The one that affected me the most was "Allow follow the counsel of your parents, as they will never lead you astray."

This one screwed with my head so much, you have no idea. I reasoned that if this was true, then my parents were right 100% of the time, and if I didn't follow their advice, I was disobeying God.

This was pretty painful for me, because every time I would make a choice that my parents didn't agree with, in the back of my mind I was telling myself it was wrong and it was bound to backfire on me. I've got plenty of examples of this because my parents and I are about as opposite as it gets for many things. It was as though it was trying to set me up to just live out my life however my parents wanted. But now I see that it's just a farce and so I'm doing what I want, parental support or not!

>_> Should read "ALWAYS follow the counsel of your parents..."

Mine was creepy. First of all, it mentioned nothing about a temple marriage (which I know is highly uncommon for a young woman.)

I don't remember the words verbatim, but I recall it also said something to the effect that I had the capacity to either greatly strengthen the church body or pull weaker church members away from the gospel should I stray from the church. It was up to my keeping of the commandments to determine which path I would take.

Everyone that has read my blessing has been very shocked at how much different it was than others. Especially for a girl.

She didn't get hers until she was in her late 70's. It said she was going to have many children and raise them in TSCC. She was going to find a husband and get married in the temple and be sealed for eternity. Etc. etc.

Mom is now 84 and can't even hobble to get a temple recommend let alone go to the temple even if she had any interest in it. She considers her never-Mo, deceased husband (my father) to be her soul mate and was sealed to him after he died and before she got the blessing. No mention of him at all in the blessing.

It really sounded like the patriarch was just reading the blessing from some standard cheat sheet with no idea who my mother was nor how old she was. I don't think Mom get anything from it at all. A total waste of her time.