Posted by:
flyboy21
(
)
Date: May 30, 2012 02:48PM
The worst kind. A total hypocrite.
I was having sex more days than I wasn't. I sought out the girls I knew were shaky on their testimony, heavy on sin but still acceptable enough to the bishop because they would lie or present themselves a certain way, and would "date" them. I would drink pretty heavily with friends in college. Was making fun of the church and even mocking a lot of the doctrine.
I didn't have anything resembling a testimony--I knew it was false from the first time I ever read anything about it. A con artist founded this church for fame, prestige, and ultimately what every young man dreams of--lots of booty.
Didn't serve a mission, and came up with countless lies for why I couldn't go. Presented them in such a way that I was never ostracized, and I think once I was endowed, most people FORGOT that I had never gone. It also helped that I spent years in a YSA ward where MAYBE 10% went and actives numbered even less that that. Counted one Sunday where we had 12. TWELVE!
Never tithed because I leveraged my position as a pilot in training to prove I was never earning money and only losing it.
On the other hand, I was an animal in church. I shared my testimony almost every month. Kept it funny, amusing, and faith-promoting. Made the other members love me. Talked the talk and walked the walk. Wasn't "obnoxious" but the fun, enlightened guy who still was quite orthodox in his doctrine, all the while treating every one as an individual (that wasn't all fake, I really believe in being there for people who need it). I had very extensive knowledge of scripture and Israelite practices (in addition to aviation, I also majored in religious studies and focused on the Old Testament). I was asked to speak quite regularly and people always seemed to love the talks. My temple attendance was off the charts.
And I was lucky that I was born with the right appendage, which makes all the difference in the LDS church. The right haircut. The right clothes. The right height and body shape. Charming. Very athletic. Very persuasive while still appearing "meek." Helped to reactivate several less actives when I was ward mission leader (that one still haunts me today). The bishop just thought I was the greatest thing ever. I got an unusual Patriarchal Blessing (and bear in mind, I had to wait until I was 22 to get it, before I went to the temple--I converted at 18). It said that although I wasn't BIC and came from the outside, I would rise up to extremely high levels of leadership, in a way that I would find out was less conditional than the average patriarchal blessing. I still have the personal letter sent by the patriarch to me that said in his twenty years of performing the blessings, it was one of the most powerful and spiritually filled experiences he had yet seen. I was what the Mormons liked to see in every way, shape, and form.
Ironically, my recovery from Mormonism is a recovery from the very distasteful person I was, really starting around age 14 and ending with my exit from TSCC two years ago. I commented on someone else's statement that they think many of the Big 15 are sociopaths, and I had to agree. I think in a way, I was too. Maybe not to the same level, but the lying, the identity that Mormonism gave me--I was addicted to it. I loved my position, I loved that people looked up to me, I loved that all the while I was playing a game and winning it. I was a total hypocrite and saw NOTHING wrong with what I was doing between the sheets Saturday night and my railing against it Sunday morning. Maybe I really felt that way. Maybe subconsciously, I really hated feeling as weak and fake as I did.
I hate that I did that now. In all other facets of my life, I had always been a brutally honest and ethical person. In just two years, I've come so far since getting out of that cult.
I don't think you've "fucked up," Heather. You've been controlled, manipulated, and lied to for a LOOOOONG time. Undoing that is a really long process, and you basically have to try everything out to see who you really are as a person. Life can be quite easy when you let other people turn you into their little canvas, but being your own person is a long journey filled with a lot of life's lessons. You got a later start on that than most people--but you're going to catch up quick. Just enjoy it--and know that there's no overbearing leadership that will judge you or punish you for ANY mistake you make from here on out!
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/30/2012 02:59PM by flyboy21.