I hope it's alright if I use this forum to talk about my recent experience which was meeting up with an old high school friend who I was very close to (there was a group of us - all Mormon) after over 20 years. I left the church at 19 and have gone through a lot and, hopefully grown a lot. I grew enough to overcome the shame of thinking of myself as a "bad" ex-Mormon in order to return this friend's call who happened to be in my city for business. However, in between his call and us getting together, I did have to pull myself out of a "shame spiral" - which i just attributed to nervousness. At the ned of the evening, I saw more clearly why I had that "shame spiral" feeling - I think it was my gut telling me what the subtext of getting together really was but i didn't want to believe it.

We spent a couple hours reminescing which was both heartwarming and nervewracking - I think for both of us. But what revealed to me how much more anxious my friend was than I (at least to me), was that at the end of our catching up, he asked if he could ask me a "personal question" which was basically directed at my thoughts about the church and a sharing of his "testimony" with me. I have been out too long to remember that any meeting between a Mormon and an inactive Mormon or non Mormon is to present an image in order to re-activate or recruit someone (does this sound right?).

It made me uncomfortable but I think I dealt with it pretty well. Now a couple days later, I am sad for him that he couldn't just relax and enjoy catching up, and I am also a little sad for me because I don't think we could ever be true friends because it may be too threatening that I am not interested in the church. He lives in Utah and in a predominantly Mormon town and neighborhood.

Thanks for having a place to share.

You know, as a TBM, I maybe would have done the same as your friend did to an inactive mormon. Maybe. But I wouldn't have done it with an old non-mormon friend. I guess I would have if they sincerely asked about my religion.

Sorry relationships have to be all about the church with religious folk.

thanks.

snowyowl Wrote:
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> I don't think we could ever be true friends because it may be too threatening that I am not interested in the church.

That might be an interesting question to ask in such circumstances -- "Why are you so threatened that I have no interest in the church? Can you really be a friend of mine without seeing me as a 'mark' for reconversion?"

BTW, your experience is exactly what this forum is for. Feel free to share anytime.

Good points. I would ask just that. But it was nice you met him anyway.

yes, it was good to see him and i will take my reactions as new material for me to process. it kind of showed me where I am at in my self acceptance re. the church. i was a TBM when i was a teenager and I went to Ricks, then BYU for a year. It was a big part of my life at one time.

that is a good suggestion. i could have asked him if he felt threatened that i was no longer active in the church but I guess I wanted to avoid conflict. now i kind of wish I had put it out there. if the opportunity presents itself again, i will.

I think there are a lot of us who understand this. I have been tracked down by friends from my years at BYU on Facebook. One of them called and asked me to go the the temple with her in Westwood. I just did not have the heart to tell her I left the church 28 years ago. I think she sensed it though. She was worried her son would not go on a mission, and I said, "what's wrong with him not going?" Silence from her. No more contact either. Sad, since we were good friends once.

yes, our experiences are similar - trying to reach beneath the surface of "beliefs" to connect with the person underneath. I think it's great you offered an alternative to "my son must go on a mission". I think a lot of young men get really traumatized by being sent on missions.

Your thoughts and feelings about this reunion are right on. Trust yourself. You are not imagining anything.

Thank you all for your posts. It really means a lot to me!

Thank you. That validation is so appreciated!

Re: "I think a lot of young men get really traumatized by being sent on missions."

I actually taught at the MTC in Provo. Funny they let me as I was a girl of 19 at the time I was hired. However, I could speak fluent Afrikaans, since for awhile I had gone to an Afrikaans school in South Africa where I was born. They wanted someone with a 'native' accent. Anyway, your point is well made.

Here I was 19, and feeling utterly depressed by the few gutsy young missionaries who dared to tell me thy had no testimony, and felt coerced by their families to go on mission. My own testimony was wavering at the time, and I know I may have been more sympathetic to their plights than supportive in a proper Mormon sort of way. In the two years I taught at the MTC some non-believing missionaries wrote to me from South Africa after leaving Provo. Yes, they were traumatized, and I still feel awful about it. How many more were there going to other countries than the few going to South Africa who talked to me? For those who believed it was fine, I think. But for those who did not, it was hell.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/14/2012 11:53PM by drwal.

Thanks for sharing that. You sound gutsy to have taken that job! Just knowing that those missionaries who were questioning the church could talk to you was probably a huge help to them. We are all on a journey but we're all at different places on that journey - and you never know how much you may have helped someone just by lending your ear.

I'm sorry! I live in Utah and have on TBM friend, her husband suggested sending the missionaries to my house and she told him, in no uncertain terms, that it would end our friendship. I would have been heartbroken if she thought otherwise.

Thanks for that. I have wondered if my friend might contact the local ward here about me but I don't think he would do that. The overall feeling I have about our meeting is that we are just figuring things out at our own pace. We both shared a lot and he even shared that he questioned the church at one time. He seems to have made a decision to stay involved. Whether what I shared about my choices was more than he was comfortable with will show in time (if we stay in touch).

That's great that your friend values your friendship and won't infringe on you by letting her husband get the church to go after you. Really shows a good friend!