Posted by:
imaworkinonit
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Date: August 07, 2012 09:26PM
Not only is that setting you up to get ganged up on, but his presence would discourage her from actually considering what you are saying, no matter HOW effective or convincing you are.
Insisting on having an ultra TBM in the room, with the express purpose of helping her defend the faith, could mean a couple of important things:
1) Maybe she doesn't believe she can evaluate this effectively by herself. Does that mean she doesn't feel knowledgable, or that she doesn't trust her own judgement? Does this mean she thinks she'll lose the spirit and be damned just for asking the questions or listening to information?
If this is the case, you could have a very effective conversation about information control, and emotional control, and using threats and fear to control. And could get to the very bottom of why the LDS church is so BAD and cultlike.
Members are trained to be afraid to use their own brain and the facts to determine truth. That's one of the most cultlike features of the church, and the very reason most people never dare question.
If a wife won't have a discussion with her husband without his DAD there to moderate, something really weird is going on.
2) Maybe she wants him there, because she's trying to strongarm you into submission. If that's the case, I'd be asking if this is a pattern in the relationship. You mentioned her taking potshots at you every couple of weeks. If this is the case, I'd have the discussion in front of a religiously neutral counselor, instead. And the discussion wouldnt' be about whether the church is true, but about how to deal with disagreements with mutual respect. Honestly, if this is about power and submission, it would probably be a relationship dealbreaker if I was in your shoes.
3) Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable or emotionally safe having this discussion with you. Maybe she senses at some level that you are right, and she's afraid of how her life will change, so she's resisting it. Or maybe she's afraid you'll make her feel stupid. If either of these applies, then I would work hard to make it safe to have the discussion just with the two of you.
A really cool book I read about difficult discussions, and laying the groundwork for them:
http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1344388949&sr=1-1&keywords=crucial+conversationsI think some of the authors are from BYU, so that might make her more likely to read the book. :-)
Sorry that was so long. I'm not making any assumptions about your relationship, just throwing a few ideas out there about some reasons TBMs resist these discussions.