It started when I was quite young. My mother allowed many abusive men into our lives, and I was quick to become targeted with mental and physical abuse. I was never raped, but there would be touching, groping, and the threat I would be raped. I would defend my mother from the 'bad men' though. I loved her dearly despite her poor choices.

This cycle continued on until I started high school. We moved to a new town and I was converted by two missionaries that scared me badly, but my then-member brother would invite them in. They were nice, but I was naturally paranoid. Before I got dunked into the o so holy water, I remember flinching when one of them took my wrist.

My fear tamed down a lot. But it was still there. You can just imagine my inner panic when my interviews with the bishop meant closed doors and personal questions. Back then I didn't have a back bone, so I cowered and was controlled. I let the YW teachers tell me being submissive was my role in life, and it was important to remain clean for him. I was easy to control back then, because I had plenty of fear for them to work with.

Come October I will have been out of the church for a year. My family moved again: mother finally found a good guy; brother and I left the church; we were closer as a family with the churh out of our lives and a rough past set behind is.

I thought my fear was gone, but I should have known better. My mothers new husband is really a gem of a guy, but even after a year, there are times when we are alone and I get nervous, and remember past things. It's been a bit better...a bit. I was too cowardly to tell him that him making contact with me, like a hug, made me panic. I believe he picked up on it, and has since respected my distance and doesnt do anything unless I give him a hug first. He really is a good guy and very protective of me, so I feel guilty whenever that reaction of panic comes along.

I had two horrible dates where both males wanted my body. I'm a curvy, large breasted woman (23) and according to everyone, have big, striking lovely eyes. And yes, ever since I was little I thought I must be cursed with how all these evil, perverted men kept coming at me. I was made even more guilty of it while a member of the church. There, they told me, pretty much, that it was my fault these men did these things to me.

Since I left the church and have grown more used to my father in law, I've been okay. Until just recently. A friend of mine wanted a roommate and I was all for it, since I'm currently home because of hard times getting a job, and I would have had better chances in her area. Then her boyfriend was suddenly in the picture and would be living with us as well.

That good ol panic brewed up again the more I thought about it. I couldn't live with a guy I, for one, hardly knew and two, didn't get along with well anyway from the times I did see him. Chances were I would be alone with him a lot and that fear sprung up and wrapped icy tendrils about my heart. I talked to my friend about it, and she took no offense to my explanation of why I couldn't room with her.

Some people might say I should have anyway, and just given him time, like my step dad. But I can't truly explain just how I feel with this fear. And even my step father gets me nervous and paranoid sometimes. Perhaps seeing a shrink would be nice, but with zero income, it's low on my priority list.

I did have a boyfriend once, and had that fear, at first. But he was so patient and so tolerant that things worked out for us...until I left the church and he went on a mission.

Now, all you guys out there, I'm certainly NOT saying you are all like the ones I have dealt with in my life time. But as it stands, this panic and fear would crop up if I got locked up in a room with the kindest man on this earth.

Is anyone else in the same boat as I? I'm better at handling it...but handling it and fearing it are two different things.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2012 03:40AM by BahBahBlacki.

I have PTSD, and wonder if you might have it, too? I was abused and tortured by my brother, who was 6 years older, and very large, and repulsive. Yet, I had several great relationships with young men in high school and college, and a good marriage and sex life, and wonderful, normal children. Don't worry so much.

Fear can actually work for you. It can spur you into action, when you need to act. It can warn you of danger. No way, should you live with a roommate and her lover. No way! You would always be the third wheel, the one left out, the loner. Every day, you would have it shoved in your face. You would have to hear them through the walls. Your doubts are correct in this! It has nothing to do with the young man, personally. The circumstances are wrong. My daughter tried this living arrangement, in college, and I noticed her falling into a depression, and her grades were slipping. One day, I just said, "You are moving out of that situation," and she started to cry, she was so relieved. Lovers can be very selfish, and my daughter was pushed into a corner and forgotten.

Here's a quote for you: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
--William Gibson

You have been surrounded by A-holes. You do not have to like A-holes; in fact, you should not like them. You are warming up to your step father, as you get to know him. Be patient with yourself. If you were locked up in a room with the kindest man on this earth, you would be happy, and without fear, after you got to know him.

You seem to have a good understanding of your self and your fears, that that helps. Be kind to yourself. Boost your self-esteem any way you can, and understand that you DESERVE nice, kind people in your life. My Mormon family were not good people at all. They abused me, lied to me, were jealous of me, tried to ruin my happiness, stole money from me, and made up lies about me, so my parents wouldn't will as much money to me. I began to regain my self-esteem and self-confidence by leaving the church and finding out the Truth. It has been a long journey, and it has ended with my having no contact at all with my abusive brother, pressing charges against the one who stole money from me, and just staying away from jealous, hateful people, in general. There's nothing wrong with avoiding people you fear. Fear happens for a reason. Your gut is trying to tell you something.

"To listen to the heart is the truest wisdom" --Tolstoy

Beautifully said, Forestpal. :)

Yes BahBahBlacki, been in that boat ... mostly I'm good now. I'm married, have kids and a very loving husband.

Come to think of it, I've obviously been greatly blessed for not living the doctrine! ;)

I had roommates for years. You said that you "don't get along" with your friend's boyfriend, and that alone is sufficient reason to not want to live with him. Also, some women don't like living with men as roommates, and that's fine. There are no "shoulds" about it -- it's your home, and you have a right to feel comfortable there.

I never had a roommate situation that lasted longer than two years. One to two years is typical. Young people leave to get married, go to school, etc. Having roommates is economically advantageous, but it is not very stable. Given your fears, it may not be a good lifestyle for you, or may not be good for more than a couple of years. There are always lots of people coming and going from your home even if you are living just with other women. The lifestyle requires lots of flexibility and adaptability.

A word of advice -- go to school (perhaps a community college) and get whatever skills you need to earn a decent living. Aim to get your own apartment one day.

You might want to consider getting pscyhotherapy to address your fear of men. Fear had a useful place in your life at one point, and is still useful at times. But your fear could also cripple you from finding a loving relationship.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/05/2012 06:02AM by summer.

My husband's last girlfriend before we met used to start every verbal confrontation with his name. His name was the warning sign that she was pissed.

Because of that, I couldn't call him by his first name to get his attention for YEARS. And after 20 years, I STILL have to be a little careful not to use a certain tone of voice that triggers his internal panic button. And he'll tell me if I screw up.

But with time, and trust, that reaction has faded. It was much better after a couple of years.

"DON'T say my name," sounds ridiculous to say to your wife, but that was what he needed.

I think the important thing for you is to surround yourself with people who are kind and who you can trust. And you need to TELL them what you need to feel safe, so that your panic reaction won't get triggered. That panic connection in your brain needs to fade, instead of being repeatedly triggered and reinforced. And maybe if you have enough GOOD experiences, you can form positive emotional pathways in your brain so you won't have to travel the negative ones every time. Those negative ones CAN be a protection to you, but you need to hone them and figure out which guys are the ones that should trigger them.

It might be helpful to read some books on abuse that include how to recognize "red flag" behavior of abusive people.

Wow, thank you so much. All of you! Thank you for sharing, and thank you ever so much for your advice. :)

So I was reading this, feeling very sorry for this sweet young lady when I hit the sentance "I'm a curvy, large breasted woman (23)" and my mind goes blank for like 30 seconds. When I finally returned to reality I realise, men really are messed up :) No wonder she hasn't had many good experiences with us. In any event, these stories always make we wish you really could just fix someone with a simple prayer like a blessing. If only life really were that simple!

Are you insinuating she draws men who feel justified in abusing her, because she has large breasts?

That's highly insulting to her. And to the guy who decides to have a relationship with her.

It's also a big insult to all guys. Men do not go berserk and lose control of themselves when they see an attractive woman.

You may be really messed up, but don't pull the rest of us down into your pit of blaming the victim...

Yeeeah....wasn't sure how to take anon's words there...

Maybe take some self defense and/or boxing classes? Not necessarily to be prepared, but I've heard they give great self confidence. Maybe if you feel you would be able to protect yourself in a bad situation, you would feel less afraid.

That's a good suggestion! Thank you.

Welcome! 23 is still young. Have you ever considered professional therapy? It could help you a ton. Not LDS social services!!!!

I haven't considered it because I literally don't have a penny to my name, but I would like to once I can afford it.

Call your community mental health agency. They might be able to help you.

some therapist go off of a pro-rate scale depending on your income. Rfm is good free therapy too.