I told DH to tell her no and to never ask again. Apparently, I'm being a little mean.

She moved into our ward and 2 weeks later the boundaries changed and we were moved into a different ward. Now our ward meets 2 hours after hers. It's so irritating she's trying to get her claws in my kids in order to get us back to church. If we wanted them to go to church we would take them. Why can't this woman get a clue?

I prefer the rip off method but DH and I deal with our respective families when there are issues, so he wants to take a more diplomatic approach. Anyone have any experience with that?

I wish I could just draw a clearly shut her down because she's going to keep bugging us. I know it.

Maybe you should say to her...

"I do not want my children to Google "Joseph Smith" on day and ask me why I took them to a church started by a pedophile.

Snap!

Parents make the rules--period! Grandparents participate based on parents rules--period.

+100

I don't have personal experience in this area. But I will ask, would your children want to go to church? Most kids really are not interested, and I would tell your MIL that. Secondly, you could schedule some activity your children would like during church time.

What would your MIL think if she came to get your kids for church, and they were dressed in something casual (sweat pants and sweat shirts) and had some type of game or activity to keep them busy during church? And, something noisy to eat. After all, we know how boring it can be. So why not be comfortable, and tell the kids to be as badly behaved as possible. Or, just tell MIL the kids would rather be having a root canal than go to church.

dk, no. What would the mil think? She would cheerily pick the kids up, buy them church appropriate clothes and never respect Goldenrule's parental authority again.

Golden, I am in much the same situation you are. My tbm mil is constantly disrespecting my authority over my children and she undermines me at every opportunity. My solution has been to allow myself to be a little bit "mean" (by the way, you are not mean, you are ASSERTIVE) and shut that sh*t down. She buys my kids churchy clothes and everything. We couldn't make our rent right around Christmas and she bought my husband a church suit. It's all about control and knowing better than you.

Allow yourself to be assertive and do not budge ONE INCH!

Dk get a grip! No is no.

"Thanks for offering, but we've decided as a family not to attend church."

"Why is that?"

"Because that's what we've decided. How do you like your new ward?"

I would schedule something fun for her with the kids and her on Saturday. Don't let her mistakingly believe that you are trying to keep her away from the kids completely. If you think she will talk to them about the church then schedule something fun for all of you.

Of course you should still be firm with not letting her take the kids to church. Just make it clear that you want to keep them away from the church and not from her.

I have totally been in your shoes, and I also found the perfect boundary setting leverage that brought it all to a halt 3 years ago. My mom was asking candidly about testifying to my children and inviting them to all things Mormon. I candidly responded that to whatever degree she was comfortable with me influencing her other 38 minor grandchildren, that is the same degree in which I am comfortable with her preaching to my children. That is until they are 18. I have already helped 2 adult grandkids get out. As for my kids, grandparents, uncles and aunts have all completely maintained an appropriate boundary. It is telling of how fearful they all are about their own kids/grandkids getting factual knowledge of the church history and doctrine.

Make the boundaries clear and find some leverage to make sure they honor those boundaries.

Good luck, I hope you find your solution.

38 grandchildren? That always amazes me. morg expand exponentially and still are losing members...

Where does she celebrate Holidays? The conference center??? :-P

I have received this revelation last night, after receiving the sacrament of scotch from the prophet Lauder's:

The BoM Musical shall be made into a movie. It shall be released on DVD, which shall be inserted into your DVD player when you are approached by the adversary. The volume shall be raised until it can be heard by the adversary any place they hide in your temple.

This, probably, won't stop them; but it will make them aware of your feelings...

It never pays off to argue with Mormons, or to say anything negative about their beloved cult. I like to say something positive, such as, "Sunday is our family day." "We're all going skiing TOGETHER AS A FAMILY on Sunday."

How can any respecting grandparent object to that? The Mormon church claims to own the concept of "The Family." You are being righteous. My inlaws used to be in our same ward, when my ex-husband went inactive there. We went to a Lutheran church with our friends, for an hour, and at a more convenient time. Whenever they told us (not ask) they were taking our kids to church, we would say that they had already been to church, and they had an obligation to sing in the children's choir regularly. My kids knew the Bible better than the grandparents, which was funny.

My granddaughter is supposed to give a talk in church tomorrow, and she lost the piece of paper that told about it--the subject, or maybe something she was supposed to read--who knows. Her TBM grandparents will be there to hear her, but her parents already promised to take her and her friend to a movie. It will be interesting to see how it plays out. I do get upset when the children always seem to lose in these power struggles.

Don't let the Mormons tell you what to do.

Love forestpal's response! Its family time. My inlaws took my kids to church a few times, and it was hard, but i went to dh and said i didn't want them going anymore. We never got a chance to tell them because they left to go on a mission of sorts for several months. I told dh that we will have to tell them when they get back and i'm pretty sure it will be up to me to tell them. I plan on preparing exactly what to say and how to answer any objections they may bring up. Practicing wouldn't hurt either. If you tell them no on church and they just show up at church time anyway, i would just start taking them to the park or zoo, somewhere fun.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 08:33AM by emma.

I've let mine go with the family quite often and then I talk to my kid(s) about it afterwards. At first I was really scared that my kids would buy into it but it went the opposite direction and helped my kids know what mormons believe.

One discussion I make sure to have is about mormons saying they "know the church is true" and how that isn't true because they really only believe it but use the wrong word. We talk about the whole thing and I've found that diffuses it for them.

My kids have gone to the Mormon church a bunch of times. We like to go to a regular Christian church complete with the rock band and all for fun sometimes. We invited and took my tbm sister's kids with us ONCE. They all said it was much better and much more fun than their church. They ask if we can take them again but my sister won't let them...lol

I think its all about you being actively a part of the situation. For my kids, they go but always say its so boring and they're going so they won't be rude. Having the conversations afterwards might be some of the most important talks we ever had because they were very confused at first, but are clear now. I think its funny because when I mention that maybe they might be a Mormon someday they say "No way, its too boring and they always talk about Joseph Smith"

It is NOT mean to establish your boundaries as the PARENTS of your children. Your MIL is not the parent.

You said, "Why can't this woman get a clue?" Well she certainly wouldn't get a clue if you were wishy-washy about your decision.

That's exactly what the Mormons are waiting for. You give them an inch and they will take a mile and a half. They will take it and run with it.

I set firm boundaries with my TBM MIL, in no uncertain terms, many years ago. My husband was punished by being left out of her will with everything going to her other son's TBM family. There was a price to pay but well worth it since my kids never got into that Mormon vortex that is so damaging to personality development.

goldenrule Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Why can't this woman get a clue?

Because it's her sacred duty to save your kids from your path of eternal damnation. She's fighting the forces of evil and must never surrender.

She thinks that you guys are sinning, that is why you aren't attending. She sees no reason that the kids should suffer for your sins.

It would be interesting to get her to talk about it. "Mom, why do you think we don't take them?"

I'm guessing she is in total denial about your disbelief. It's just that you are too lazy to get up and get them all dressed up. Someone offended you.

"It would be interesting to get her to talk about it. "Mom, why do you think we don't take them?""

I think that is a great idea. If you can get her into dialogue about it, ask that question. She will short circuit. And then you can explain in one or two sentences why you do not take them (such as the Sunday is family time idea, love that one. We say it to my in laws.)

How about a compromise? You allow MIL to take the kids to a church of YOUR choice. She can take the kids to church, and it will be a Catholic mass, or Baptist service. For added effect you could specify a service that conflicts with her own TBM church schedule.

I bet you'll see MIL run for the hills.

Any stories of a kid being baptized by an ex, a grandparent, uncle/aunt, or by a parent without the other parent's consent. I wouldn't risk letting them go to Mormon church, I'm sure the Mormons would do it baptize a kid without your permission, it fits their morality.

If you do let them go for some reason. What's wrong with kids asking good questions in Mormon Church meetings?

Did Brigham Young order a Bishopric to murder non-Mormon pioneers while traveling through Cedar City?

What happens in the celestial kingdom if a young woman's husband dies after a year if they are married in a temple? Can she make an eternal family with another man?

Why can't young people go to a temple wedding? Are we unworthy to go?

Did Joseph Smith marry wives' of other men he sent away on missions? Did Joseph Smith have revelations to marry 14-year old girls.

How many versions of the First Vision did Josph Smith write about or tell?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 02:39PM by gentlestrength.

I agree with so many of these posts. You are the parent. You establish how your children will be raised and grandparents can take part in your parenting style or not. Make sure she knows you're not trying to cut her out, but that you will not have her undermining you. I really like the idea about it being a 2 way street - you'll be as influential or hands off to the rest of the family as they are to your kids. Also, educate your kids! Don't avoid - give them the correct info.

Sounds like your DH has to stand up to his mother on this. And likely other things.

Been there with the MIL thing.

She is trying to undermine you as parents.
Don't argue.
Tell her NO and NEVER to ask again. Your kids will not be Mormons, period.

She is living too close for comfort.Move away if you can.

I don't know your MIL, but I would imagine that she is not trying to be a jerk; she is not intentionally sabotaging your relationship with your children. People on here need to chill out a little.

Your MIL absolutely believes that the Mormon church will bring happiness and eternal rewards to your children. She cares about them and this is her way of trying to give them a great everlasting gift and opportunity. That is what we are dealing with, here! A woman who honestly believes she is helping out her grandchildren. She is mistaken in this belief, but her motives are good, even if her methods and goals are flawed.

Yes, of course, she's just a kindly grandmother trying to shepherd her grandchildren into the everlasting happiness of the One True Church, regardless of whether the children's mother approves or not... No, sorry, this does not fly. I don't care how delusional and well meaning someone may be, when a relative with as much sway as a grandmother is trying to draw your children into a life sapping cult, the matter must be dealt with firmly and without concern for stepping on the offender's toes.

Her motives are not good, her goals are not good, she is not trying to give these kids some wonderful opportunity. She is trying to involve them in her religion because she deems their spiritual life to be so inadequate as to need intervention and she clearly believes their mother to be unable to properly fulfill the role of parent in this regard. It is simply poison and should be viewed as such.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 03:59PM by southern.

It IS poison. I am not denying that. It can not be tolerated in your relationship with your MIL. BUT in order to handle this right you do have to understand her point of view.

She lives in a world where a harsh, all-mighty sky-god determines the eternal fate of his minions/children based, not only on what they do, but also on which organization they belong to. The fact that your children are not in the "correct" organization terrifies your MIL. She literally thinks that her God will judge them (and you, BTW) so harshly, that simply not being in her church will damn them for all eternity.

IMO, kids going to church a few times isn't going to give them Mormon cooties and convert them to the LDS church.

In fact it will probably teach them that it is boring as hell.

A good conversation afterwards about what was discussed and why you disagree with it will do more to keep them from joining the LDS church than keeping them away, IMO.

I agree with southern. Stand firm. Your kid, not hers. If you don't put your foot down now it will get worse as the kids get older. You are the parent. You get to choose what religion - if any - you will raise your kids in. She had her choice and you have yours. Ask her to respect and honor "her" Article of faith 11 "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow ALL MEN THE SAME PRIVILEGE, LET THEM WORSHIP HOW, WHERE, OR WHAT THEY MAY"

Best of luck.