Where do single, pregnant LDS girls go? Do the teens get forced to go to Relief Society? What if they are planning to give it up for adoption? What about the single adult TBMs? Do they still get to go to the Singles Ward?

the Telestial Kingdom

You beat me to it! ;-)

not like they'd really enjoy being there. My niece got pregnant (while living with me as she couldn't get along with her mother). My sister tried hiding her. Then my two nephews got their girlfriends pregnant--sons of the same sister.

My niece and two nephews and their spouses are all no longer (or never were) members.

Those that I knew growing up got married as teenagers.

Sex, why oh why? It's so much better between two virgins committed to each other for eternity.

I don't want to be crass, all respect to the challenges of being the adult around a sexually active teenager. Sounds like a taste of hell.

Everyone I knew who got pregnant as a teenager was sent away during the pregnancy. Usually to family members in another city or state. In fact, at my high school, not a single girl who got pregnant stayed in school. Every single one was forced to leave. The girls would do packets instead of going to school. I don't believe they went to church at all.

There was a family in my ward growing up that had an extended family member get pregnant while she was a teenager. She was sent by her parents to live with this family in my ward. She lived with them for most of the pregnancy, at least 6 months. I never once saw her outside of the house. I only knew she was there because my mom was friends with the family.

Hi:-) so I'm 17 and pregnant and lds. My parents just found out yesterday that I'm pregnant. They are encouraging me to talk to the bishop about me having sex but I honestly don't feel bad I did it. I feel bad that I don't feel bad cuz I know I should, but I don't. Anyways do u think they will or should tell me I can't take sacrament infront of the entire congregation? I always shot next to my friends family and they don't know anything. I'm just kind of worried..... and I'm sorry to those of you who think I am an abbomination to the world. People make mistakes, I just made a really big one.... please no judging, I'm looking for help, not to feel like crap. Thanks

Your question deserves thoughtful responses. You'll get them here, but you should repost this question as a new topic so that it doesn't get lost in this thread.

You will definitely be told that you are not to take the sacrament, but, truthfully, that is small potatoes next to the other questions and decisions that you have to address now.

Make decisions that prioritize your needs...not the church's. That's about all I have to offer here. Other's are better equipped and more experienced to respond to this particular topic.

Good luck.

I doubt you will get much judgement here, but more support and understanding.

I hope that you don't end up having to talk to the bishop and that he doesn't make you not take the sacrament. It is public shaming. This isn't going to be easy for you.

Do NOT let them talk you into talking to LDS social services (or did they get out of the adoption business). My niece and nephews kept their babies (above), got married, and are doing well. Those babies are now 17, 15 and 14. They have been the joy of my sister's life.

My daughter had a friend who gave up her baby to lds ss and she felt coerced into doing so. She has never gotten over it--and is no longer practicing lds.

Oh and a girl in the ward I live in who was pregnant was sent to R.S. rather than YW. A 16-year-old doesn't belong in RS (neither do the recent high school graduates).



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/24/2015 10:40AM by cl2.

Here's an opposing view... Find the right adoption agency and be treated with respect. Give the baby to a married couple (tens of thousands) who cannot have children and pray every night for the opportunity to adopt.

You are 17 and not ready to be a mother. Give a mature couple that opportunity and you resume your life as a teenager. Go to college. Live your young life. Then when you are ready have children.

Keeping your baby is not wrong, but neither is giving it up to a good young family who is praying for a child.

Last piece of advice... Make sure they are NOT Mormon.

Honey, I hope no one here judges you. The LDS church and its members are likely to judge you, though. You did nothing wrong and committed no sin. As far as allowing yourself to get pregnant, that is as much the boy's job as yours, so worst-case scenario is that he is 50% at fault. I believe that he is more at fault. If he is LDS, he "holds the priesthood" and all that, and should have been more responsible as a priesthood holder. But whatever... It's of no consequence.

What is of consequence is what the LDS church and your parents intend to do. Do not let them sell you down the river. Stand proud and stay put. It may not be wise to keep the baby, but don't let anyone be threatening you with excommunication for not giving the baby to the church services. They used to try to do that, threatening you with church discipline because the church made tens of thousands of dollars from each placed newborn. Supposedly they don't do that now, but I'm personally not so sure.

You do stand to face church discipline for being "unrepentant." And with the wave of his hand, the bishop can excommunicate or disfellowship you if you don't grovel. But don't grovel. Excommunication will be your ticket out of Mormonism.

I celebrate anybody who had a more normal sexual development than I did. I am sorry in advance of the troubles that could come to you over this, but do your best to maintain control and don't forget to stand up bravely in front of the others.

My daughters friend got pregnant when she was 16. Her boyfriends family packed up and moved 2000 miles away. A little late.

She was no longer allowed to go to anything but sacrament meeting. So, basically she was shunned. She didn't want to give her baby up, but was bullied into it.

Her boyfriend was sent on a mission.

She married someone else. They had a couple of kids together. The old boyfriend calls her up and asks her if she wants to get back together with him. Thank God she didn't.

She's still a TBM with her hubby and a gaggle of little kids. She's 28 now, and has 5 kids not counting #1. If she ever wakes up and sees the truth she' going to be devastated.

Dear Bekah,
I understand the enormous pressure you'll be facing. At 17, your choices are rather limited but they are YOUR decisions and if you OWN those decisions, everything will work out. I had my firstborn a few months before I turned 18, stayed married to my first husband until I was 26. We had 3 kids. Love them to the moon,and they are long since grown up.
Being a single mom is NOT fun, for the mom or the kids.
Life is long, and you should consider your future carefully.
1- unless the father and you plan on a life together, or your parents want to help raise a grandchild, you should consider adoption. (Through Catholic Charities or similar, do not go to LDS services, they don't know what the hell they're doing)
2- finish high school,get into a training program or go to college, no matter what.
3- find a trustworthy person to help you, outside of your Ward and stake. You can always go back to the church, but for now, you need level-headed advice with no agenda.
4- wishing you well, keep this board posted, lots of wisdom from The School of Hard Knocks here

Sound advice.

I think LDS Inc attempts some type of intervention before the process happens.

I think it is some type of halfway house for girls that won't go all the way.

I went to college with the lovliest gal -- really an intelligent and funny roommate. One day, well into the semester she broke down and cried and told me it was her child's birthday. To her sorrow, her baby was adopted out to an LDS family and she told me that she would forever mourn her loss.

Honey, this is your baby. Don't let anyone force you into any decisions. We are here to support you.

You are not obligated to feel bad, nor are you obligated to listen to anyone trying to make you feel bad. You have feet; say, "No, thank you," stand up and walk out.

Anyone with sincere concern for you and your child will not talk about the how, what, when or why you became pregnant. They will speak to BOTH pros and cons of your options for the future. You may need unbiased help, and for that, you may need to speak with people who have more information than is offered by LDS.

Isolation (shunning) and coercion (do what I say or else) are abusive behaviors used to control other people. It is not healthy to allow other people to control your decisions through abuse. You are already a mother, at least until there is no longer a child in you body, and it is up to you to find a healthy environment for you and your child.

So, you shouldn't feel bad, but you do need to accept the responsibility to make decisions that will impact the rest of your, the father's, and your child's lives.

It's not just about where you will live for the next eight or nine months, a small amount of time in a person's life. There are much more important decisions for you to make.

I would advise you to not isolate yourself by limiting your web searches for help and advice.

There are many moral and good people who are not LDS, who can help you make healthy choices. You already know this. It's why you don't "feel bad" about being a "normal" teenager. You are most likely a good, normal teenager, trying to survive in a mentally abusive situation.

If you don't believe that you have been isolated and coerced, look up the definitions.

Best wishes to you, the father and your child.

Here's a good example of what happens when people don't teach their boys to use rubbers. If they'd wrapped that rascal, there wouldn't have been any issue. (Pun intended)

When I was at BYU, in off campus but approved BYU housing, had a roommate who are pregnant. She was well accepted. She attended all meetings. She was just not allowed to hold a calling, or give prayers or anything like that. But it wasn't an issue.

It was a BYU ward, in a BYU stake. It was all good, in that respect. She actually was glad not to hold a calling or anything like that. Great roommate to be honest

My daughter fell pregnant at 16. She stopped going to church. The relationship with baby's father was going nowhere. She had baby, they lived at home with me for a year or so, then moved out. 7 years later she graduated with a professional degree. The first couple of years were hard work, but she has pulled through, and with family support, got her life back to where it would have been. The family support has been the key. That said, we don't live in a church dominated community where a single parent giving up a child for adoption seems to be the norm. None of us can imagine life any differently, now. Every person's choice is their own to make, but being informed and knowing there are options no matter what you decide to do, is so important.To my everlasting shame, I was always one of those church mothers who said I would throw a pregnant child out of the house, and she hid her pregnancy from me for that reason. However when faced with a terrified,sick child, there was no choice to make, and the realization of how she thought I would react was maybe my first step out of the church.

Consider Bethany Services. It's a non-denominational Christian organization. I don't know if they have a facility near your home, and whether a given, local, facility has to offer. But my understanding is that they offer counseling, to help you think through your options:

--give the baby up for adoption
--keep the baby and pursue the relationship with the father, or
--keep the baby as a single woman


It is a pro-life group, and will not encourage abortion. But they will also off (if my understanding is current) assistance for you to continue school, obtain private and public assistance (WIC, food stamps, maternity clothes, infant furniture, car seats, etc.) and may be able to arrange housing some place (i.e. a temporary foster family for you) if your situation with your own family is untenable.

Remember this is YOUR life and YOUR baby, so you have to make YOUR own decisions. Every option will have its costs and downsides, but YOUR life will go on. As some of the posters have said, above, many teen girls have gone through this before, gotten their lives back on track, and gone on to happy and useful adulthood. Of course, many have have not. It's up to YOU.

God bless you!

https://www.bethany.org/

Edited by poster to include link.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2015 10:25AM by caffiend.

Planned Parenthood is an organization that would present her with yet another option, which is abortion (if it is done within the legal timeframe.) They would also help her with birth control information.

Bekah, come to a decision that *you* can be comfortable with. The LDS default position is to encourage adoption, but for a number of mothers this leaves a hole in their hearts that can never heal. There are positives and negatives to every option. Think it through and don't let anyone bully you. You have to live with your decision, the bishop doesn't. I would keep him out of it.

I would advise to reconsider going to a religious adoption agency. Remember, these organizations are part of the religions that created the problem.

For example some religious adoption agencies will exclude gay couples or couples who are not married within the religion. They may prioritize placing the baby in a religious home (as if that represents some kind of morals or stability).

All the guilt and shame gets perpetuated and rewards the churches for doing it.

My sister "disappeared" while she was pregnant to go live with an LDS family in another city until she had the baby. It was adopted out to another LDS family. She was not given any other options. She is not religious now.

She was in her 60s when she finally found her daughter. They have a good relationship now, but the daughter is uber religious. The whole process perpetuates the religion that hurt my sister so badly for shaming her and convincing her that the bishop knew best.

My hope for anyone in this predicament is that they can somehow get an education. It makes the most difference in their lives.

Because LDS is such a darkly tinted belief system, I understand the inclination to paint all religions with the same brush. I felt the same way for several years, coming out of Christian Science.

But there was no criticism of Catholic Charities, above, and I want to point out that Bethany is non-denominational. And they would have to conform to prevailing statutes and ordinances in their practices.

caffiend Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> But there was no criticism of Catholic Charities,
> above, and I want to point out that Bethany is
> non-denominational. And they would have to conform
> to prevailing statutes and ordinances in their
> practices.


I'm not sure what you are referring to when you said Catholic Charities are not criticized "above"?
I was including it in my previous comments (just to clarify).

Here's where at least one ended up.

http://aoicancerius.deviantart.com/art/Imagination-535271803

When I was in high school, one of the National Honor Society officers got pregnant. The school tried to not let her march at graduation, but she gave birth like a week beforehand, so it was a moot point. However, a few weeks prior, the teachers were talking about not letting her do the NHS induction for the class coming in after us. I threw a fit and said I would refuse to attend if she wasn't allowed. My friends backed me up and pretty much, the entire NHS of the class of 1987 was in mutiny. There would either be no NHS induction for the class of '88, or they would let our girl participate. My point was that her pregnancy had nothing to do with the fact that she'd done all the academic work and deserved her spot in the National Honor Society.

Imagine my shock when I went to the 25-year reunion at my old high school and saw the sign for the day care/nursery. "Wait -- what? Our high school has daycare now? For the students' children?" This was confirmed.

Times have changed.

Regular poster going anon for sake of daughter.

My daughter was not allowed to continue to attend Young Women. They told her she would be a bad example to the other girls. Relief Society was filled with women old enough to be her mother, passing judgment on her and contradicting the unconditional love she was getting at home. She also attended an alternate High School.

You will face judgmental jerks no matter what.
How bout the father? If it doesn't harm you be sure to name him publicly so he can take some of the heat that may come.

Bekha-It is none of the church's business. I was adopted when I was 1 year old. I have met all my birth family and for me it was a great experience. I am in my 60's and this happened a few years ago. The choice is really up to you. I found this piece of wisdom a while back and will pass it on to you for what it is worth. "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone's elses life. Don't be trapped by Dogma-which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. Don't let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intutition." The church is bad for people, it has no place for people who do not follow its regime. Good luck, and if you so believe, God bless.

bekkah,

Your parents have no right to tell you whether or not to take the sacrament --- only the bishop can do that. And if you are old enough to decide about sex, you are old enough to do what you feel is right about taking the sacrament, no matter what happens with family and friends. (Feel free to tell anyone to mind their own business).

The official church position is that if you are not ready to marry the father, you should consider adoption in a home that can provide your child sealing blessings. (There are reasons that can make this impossible. For instance if the father refuses to consent to adoption, then you cannot agree to the adoption either, as doing so could mean that the father gets sole custody and you would presumably want at least half time with the child. But do not let your parents or his parents desires to keep the child, affect your choice to place or to raise.)

Your parents also have no right to tell you you have to see teh bishop to repent (could they simply have been explaining the repentence process that you can use if and when you decide to do it?)

Sometimes parents have sent pregant girls to extended family or even to LDS Family Services foster care (though I don't know what it was officially) with a non-relative family because it is hard for girls to endure what happens often, especially in high LDS areas to the girl and/or because it is so unfair that the girl has to experience that ugliness when the father gets off without any of it.

Whether you believe or not, whether you intend to raise or place for adoption, LDS Family Services is a really good resource for getting through the decisions you'll need to make. Also you may look for a community resource that supports unwed mothers --- many places now have them, most of which provide even housing for up to a year after birth.