My TBM neighbors told me their 19 year old dau is getting married the end of this year in the SLC temple. No surprise there, but when I asked them to send us an invitation to the reception she said. "Oh, they're not having one. They'd prefer to get the money instead.

Now this is a well to do family with all the props, big home, expensive toys, fantastic vacations and travel for the whole family - four kids.

In my surprise I asked, it this a new trend or fad - not putting on a big reception.

"Yes, lots of my daughters friends are going this way."

I thought, "Well, good on these kids thinking for themselves instead of letting the wedding industry brain wash them into all that expensive extra stuff and fluff."

Any feedback?

temple wedding was and wish they had a decorative, lively reception which their other friends will spent years bragging about after having one of their own.

So instead of having a reception, the young newlyweds expect their parents to write them a check for the equivalent amount of money? That's a rather large expectation.

Having said that, I think that dropping the equivalent of a new car or a house downpayment on a wedding reception is just plain nuts. Yet some families do just that.

Friends did this. They got $4500 cash, back in 1987. They are giving their kids each $4,000 when they get married and they can do what they want.

A bazillion years ago when I got married, my dad made me the offer up front to give me the money a reception would cost instead of having the reception. Of course, it's not like a mormon reception costs all that much. No meal, just the typical cake, punch, nuts and mints. Still, I kicked myself for a long time for not taking him up on it. We got such lame gifts and it wouldn't have cost that much to buy the things we got that we actually needed or used.

Since you put on your wedding dress (some of them AFTER the wedding) and all the bridesmaids wear matching dresses to get pictures outside the temple to make it look like they were actually part of the wedding, why do you need a bunch of reception pictures? It's just crazy the kind of money people (especially non-mormons) drop on weddings.

What about receptions a year later? This is the new format around here because the sealing is thousands of miles away. A reception should, IMHO, immediately follow the wedding. It should also be a feast, though the numbers may be few. One of the worst things I hated were the TSCC receptions with cake and punch and perhaps a few sandwiches in "cultural halls", with the wedding parties standing the whole time as people walked in, shook hands, and then left like it was a wake. The really fancy receptions would, for example, have someone serving fancy ice cream and maybe hors d'oerves. The wedding cakes would often be the fancy part of these receptions. Only TSCC sealings involve having a best man and bridesmaids who never see the wedding.

Instead of going to a reception, you just send 'em money, huh? Betcha they don't have to bother with those tedious thank-you notes, either, do they?

They're just following the good example of the mormon church!

If this is what they expect, that's beyond tacky and greedy.

I think it's ridiculous to mortgage your house for a wedding and/reception and couples can certainly choose how they want to celebrate their wedding; However, to expect money from family and strangers and not even bother to throw a nice little party is something else.

Greedy gimme pigs.

I know a couple who got tickets to Tahiti, and a check for $40,000. They didn't have a reception.

They still registered though, just in case someone wanted to give them a gift.

They had gifts arriving daily on their front porch.

The parents were relieved to not have to do the reception.

They still had a bridal shower though. Gifts galore.

14 years after the fact I wish I would have done this. I actually had a very nice unMormony wedding reception but hubs and i were so poor the $ would helped out tons.

Means to an end, or the end is all that matters.

I agree about industry expectations and such, but I'll never accuse Mormons of producing an extravagant reception.

The means is that a wedding and a reception is a celebration, uptake, and community endorsement of marriage, family, and friends. A marriage can be a simple bureaucratic, administrative activity. What lies ahead can be anything the couple make of it from there.

A wedding and a marriage can also be an amazing opportunity for family and friends to come together and enjoy the ride and commit to be there for one another along the way.

gentlestrength Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Means to an end, or the end is all that matters.
>
> I agree about industry expectations and such, but
> I'll never accuse Mormons of producing an
> extravagant reception.
>
> The means is that a wedding and a reception is a
> celebration, uptake, and community endorsement of
> marriage, family, and friends. A marriage can be a
> simple bureaucratic, administrative activity. What
> lies ahead can be anything the couple make of it
> from there.
>
> A wedding and a marriage can also be an amazing
> opportunity for family and friends to come
> together and enjoy the ride and commit to be there
> for one another along the way.


I agree with gentlestrength.

How many here have been to a non-Mormon wedding celebration?

All of the non-Mormon weddings I have attended have been joyous, family celebrations. Some were outrageously expensive but the families could afford it and wanted to do it. Some have been simple but still a joy to attend. All of us in attendance were there because we loved and supported the couple. We came together as family and friends to support their commitment.

It seems today that weddings and funerals are the only chance I get to socialize with extended family.

I used to attend every Mormon reception I was invited to, but it became clear that I was invited only as an opportunity for a greedy-gift-grab. (Plus they're deadly boring.) So now I don't go to them and I don't bother with a gift.

And why are Mormons so incapable of sending thank-you notes?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2012 04:21PM by caedmon.

are not in the "chosen few for the sacred ceremony" and they are not having a reception, send 'em a card. No ceremony invite, no money or gift. Mwaaahahahaha

I've been to lots of UT TBM weddings but, as a New Yorker I've been to wonderful wonderful receptions.

I have found that there is something really really wonderful about being a gracious host. Have you ever been to an affair where you as a guest are treated like royalty? Where it is clear that every arrangement has been made to make you feel welcome, and important? Where food has been carefully prepared and plentiful and served magnificently? This sort of a reception makes it an honor to attend an event for people who are special to you and for those hosting the event gives them an opportunity to make you feel special. In a way it's a means of saying "thank you" for coming and celebrating with us..we love you.

Typically the guests at these events give very generously (a couple typically gives $200.00 or more. And to be honest, typically the hosts spend as much or more per guest on giving the reception. Usually the guest list includes the people closest to the bride and groom ...not everyone you know like Mormon weddings...although those not as close to the couple frequently will give a gift anyway (generous and not cheap crap like Mormons do).

And there are different versions of this scenario with those who can't afford quite as much so please don't be judgemental.

Now for the situation you describe- I can't think of anything more SELFISH than EXPECTING people to give you a gift of ANY kind to celebrate an important event like a wedding-especially when you have made no effort whatsoever to provide anything at all for the guests. And the idea that anyone would specifically NOT HAVE any type of celebration solely because you would have to spend money makes it all the more selfish. It would be much better to send out invitations to the ceremony with a note saying, "no gifts please" than to not have a reception for the purpose of "getting without having to give".

The rules of wedding etiquette are (or at least used to be) that if you are not invited to a wedding you are not obligated to give a gift. Of course, likewise those close to the couple will give a gift no matter what-and that is as it should be. I'm not sure how all this fits into a TBM wedding where most will be excluded from the ceremony and there will be no reception but in the wacky world of Mo-ism etiquette is hard to figure.

will give the couple the $$ they would have spent on the reception. All I can say to that, given the MO receptions I have seen is...good luck with that.

I don't know about what it means as far as Mormonism goes, but I've just seen a general increase in people who only want a wedding or just elope and not even deal with the whole reception thing. Maybe it's just an overall trend?

Might as well take the money, Mormon receptions are horribly boring. I do think a true wedding reception, dinner and dancing type, is worth the money (within reason of course).

The church has been actively dissing receptions for the last few years because there was a wave of receptions which occurred BEFORE the sealings, even in other states, which seemed to be replacing the wedding because some couples (gasp) even had their apostate fathers walk them down the reception aisle and there was a ring ceremony.

Of course this idea had to be crushed immediately because non-payers MUST be punished and depriving parents of the joy of participating in their faithful children's wedding is what Jesus wants.

They probably read about the pre-wedding reception here, BTW.

In any case, taking money instead of having a reception says "I would rather pay off some bills and have a more glorious honeymoon than celebrate with you unimportant family members. We don't need to share this moment with you at all-- see ya later when I need a babysitter!

The whole purpose of a reception has been swallowed in commercialism. It was to share the joy, remember? How crass is it to say instead, "Stuff the joy, we'll take the cash."

Sounds like somebody taught these folks that money is what matters most, not family.


Anagrammy

It is of little loss. Mormons just suck.

The only job I ever held in Utard was with the Air National Guard. They never had Christmas parties or anything that you could bring your wife to. A few years after I left, they did hold a Christmas party for the squadron, sans alcohol. It was a lousy party. Everyone was just so stiff. I am sorry that I ever moved to Utah.

Marshall



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2012 05:15PM by No Mo.

The wedding and reception are a ritual and party to celebrate your union with all your friends and family. If you don't want to celebrate, that's fine, if a bit antisocial. You can arrange a cheap wedding and reception without too much trouble (both my sisters did both in the backyard).

I understand the idea that a new couple is helped greatly by wedding gifts, but sending out gift requests without some kind of invitation to a social celebration of the event gifts are being solicited for... is just tacky.

(See also: dollar dances.)

My DIL spent $80,000 on her reception.

Two weeks later our son (the groom) called us and asked us if we could pay their rent that month. DH told them we had spent so much on airfare, hotels, dinners, gifts, etc. that we were hurting for money ourselves. He suggested that maybe they should return some gifts.

She had 3 different wedding dresses. One for the temple, one for photos, and one for the reception. She spent $10,000 on those 3 dresses. Her flower bill came to another $10,000.

IMO the spending was insane, given they were two college kids who had nothing, and couldn't pay their rent or buy groceries when they got home from their all expenses paid honeymoon.

Holy crap, Mia. That is insane.

The could've spent only 3,000 and have a nice reception and had the rest for a house down payment.

I think this goes in the ricockulous file.

One the one hand I think it is a shame that they are brainwashed enough to get a temple marriage. I've been there too, so I get it.

However, good for them for not having a reception. There is no inherent morality in following a tradition that one doesn't want to. It is probably more practical to save the money.