My first wife died after a year of marriage. I don't talk about it much because I still don't really know what to think, or how I feel about it. And it was almost 13 years ago.

I was a good little Kolobian. I went on a mission at 19, BYU at 21, marriage at 21 and--you guessed it--baby at 22. Our little girl was 2 months old when my wife's heart stopped without warning. The baby had just finished nursing in the early morning twilight when her mother, still with baby in arms, stopped breathing.

Paramedics rushed her to the hospital, my brother drove me in my panic and shock shortly behind the ambulance. I knew things were bad, but I was incapable of accepting the possibility of the worst. So when the doctor came into the little waiting room designated for telling families that their loved ones had died, I was not prepared for that news. Who could be prepared? I let out a gutteral, primal scream. And even as I did it, I was embarrassed for behaving so undignified and with so little acceptance of God's will.

My brother and I, along with another priesthood holder, asked to see the body in private. Our wishes were respected, and I begged my brother--whose faith and righteousness were beyond question--to raise her from the dead with his Godly magic. He gave the usual fortune-teller's line: be healed, or at least do what God wants. She remained forever quiet.

The cult held a Church rally with her body in front. We endured several hours of isn't The Church great? and you should all join! Then we put her in the ground. I used my powers to dedicate the grave. I cast a spell that whoever visited there would want to join The Church. But I really don't know if anyone understood my incantation, because the gutteral, primal voice came back.

Then, that night, my dead wife's brother took me on a moonlit walk in the wilderness. He told me that her entire family had decided that I was to remarry, and quickly. That was God's will, and she wants that for me too. My baby needs a mother, after all. Over the next few days and weeks, this command grew and grew in my mind. I was lonely, and horny, and helplessly ignorant about how to care for an small infant. My bishop confirmed for me that this was God's will for me, for my baby. And after all, how could I remain temple worthy if I succumbed (succame?) to temptation.

It all seemed right. The priesthood leaders and patriarchs in my life, whose stewardships ruled over me, had all confirmed what I wanted anyway, which is that God wanted me to find someone to have sex with, and soon. So I was married within a few short months, before the year was out, to the first girl who came along. That disaster is a story for another post. But suffice it to say that I quickly discovered that the marriage was not, in fact, God's will.

The effect of all this was that, out of duty to Mormon, Inc., I willingly sublimated my own mental health and needs to the corporate need for more assets. I should have grieved, but I didn't. Instead, I followed the Spirit and the counsel of my priesthood leaders to advance the corporate interests, and I remarried. It was the worst mistake of my life.

I should have struggled through the loss and the loneliness and the questions why. But I didn't. Instead, I found a willing woman, and I convinced us both that Jesus had sorted all of that out for me. I spouted Atonement this and Atonement that and isn't it wonderful. And she bought it. And I bought it. And it was bullshit. And then the marriage was over as soon as it began, although it took 8 years to die.

I never grieved my wife's death. Not really. I moved on with an artificial, contrived life before I even got over the initial shock. And it seems silly and pointless to grieve now, like the moment has passed. Like that awkward moment after you've already passed a coworker in the hall and you realize you should have smiled and said hello. It's too late, and if you tried now, you would just feel like an idiot.

My dead wife doesn't exist anymore, and I don't even miss her. That's what makes me mad. Would I miss her if I had grieved, if I had come to a natural peace with it? I don't know, but the cult had no right to take that from me.

Your story is beyond heart wrenching. You would not believe the lump in my throat right now. I hate that cult. They don't know support. They don't know love. There is nothing but selfish motive in every thing they do.

Take it from somebody who knows how to bury things all the way to China--I think you still need to grieve. It will happen. It will help. I really hope you find whatever you need.

Yes, the mormon church robbed you. Perhaps this moving post is a new start toward healing and repairing the damage. Do take care.

It is never silly or pointless to grieve. At any time. And as they shouldn't have told you not to grieve then, no one can tell you not to grieve now.

Very powerful experience - thank you for sharing. I am sorry.

I've experienced delayed grieving over some life experiences, and it can be very difficult. If you haven't already, it may be a good time to find a therapist with whom you feel comfortable. In the mean time, we're here for you.

I'm going to have to agree with the group and say it sounds like you still need to grieve. The problem is when you've masked something like that for that long it's hard to dig it back up.

Which is why I think the suggestion of finding a good therapist is an excellent one. Someone who can help you to get passed that block and release those feelings, in order to actually give them a chance to heal.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I agree, Mormonism does not give people time to grieve for various things, including deaths of loved ones. It is very unhealthy! I can only hope you can go through whatever stages of grief you still need to, and have loving and kind friends around as you do.

It might be why you posted it here. It isn't even just grieving for your wife, but for so many other things.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

My cousin died at age 37 with 6 kids. She married supposedly the love of her life. He remarried 1 month later. I don't know who he got advice from other than his mother lined him up with a widow before his wife was even dead. The fallout has been unbelievable. It has been 18 years since she died--and there is still fallout.

I've read here. I am sorry for lost grief.....

I am sorry this happened to you--was done to you. Perhaps you could write her a letter, gather friends, and read the letter in their presence. Tell her all this and whatever else is on your heart.

Oh my . . . your story is beyond sad.

I'm going to join the chorus and say you've suppressed your grief. I'd recommend having a chat with a counselor (a specialized grief counselor would be ideal, if there is one in your area) about the issue. Humans need to mourn, be miserable and feel the pain of the loss of the loved one. Only then are they able to begin move on with their lives.

Everyone's mourning style and length is different. it may be brief and intense or it may take longer to work through. Burying the grief isn't healthy. It will eat away at you like stress will.

I still have a raw spot in my heart for my grandfather (who was the greatest person I've ever known) and he died 22 years ago. I can't talk about him at any length without crying and I mourned him when he died. I was an inconsolable bucket of tears.

I wondered why I hang around here sometimes...

Until I read your story...

All my LOVE to you...

BY

I remember watching a mom inter her daughter and let out a scream like you describe, I wondered about her until my morg conditioning kicked in.. now later I think I have true sympathy for you. I am so sorry that she was stolen from you and you didn't even get to greve about it. so so sorry. share your pain all you need too we will listen

There are some posts that leave me speechless. All I can do is let out a groan and a sigh. How can some people be so ignorant and unfeeling? How did those people get so broken?

My heart breaks for you. Please get some grief counseling. I think it will be a great help to you. You were not given what you needed when you needed it. You needed unconditional love, compassion, and time and space to grieve the huge loss that you and your new baby had just experienced. You needed help with giving yourself and your child the tools to keep moving forward in life.

IMO, you were abused. People were giving you advice they had no business giving you. You needed love, support, and the space to work things out. That was all taken from you by people who had no idea what they were doing. You have suffered because of their ignorance.

That will always be a part of your life story. You can't go back in time and undo it. You can go forward though. You can go forward and do the emotional work you needed to do in the past. It's better late than never. I think a qualified grief counselor can help you work through this. Please do that for yourself, and your child. Don't suffer needlessly because of others failings.

You will be able to grieve when it is safe to do so. When that comes, let it out, cry, put a fist through plasterboard walls,etc.

I lost the real love of my life in 03. He was gone and incarcerated before I could blink an eye. My family all said "good riddance, bad rubbish" and 'get on with your life'. I had a bunch of children to nuture and raise alone. I had to move to another state and begin anew.

My family did not let me grieve. They did not recognize I'd lost my husband! Their attitude was he was so bad he could just be buried with the garbage! No one cared that I'd lost someone I loved very much. It was horrible. The TSCC? Whew! What a laugh! No one recognized that I was grieving his loss. No one cared when I moved into the ward essentially a widow. Not one word of sympathy or condolances. In fact, I was put on the divorced woman's one year probation even though I was still married at the time. The Church handbook of instructions has the woman who is single interviewed and if she wasn't the cause of the divorce then after a year she can be given a job! Yet I was still married for another two years after I moved into the ward...but I was not considered married, just divorced! And no one offered sympathy.
I feel your pain. You were rushed into a relationship you weren't ready for.

I couldn't really grieve. He was gone and was never coming back. Even if he was free from prison I couldn't have him back. He'd already gone round the bend mentally with in three weeks of jail. He didn't recognize me and kept raving about things that were not true. His MOTHER filled out the divorce papers and had him sign them. I thought of him nearly every day for years. I'd be listening for his footstep on the porch everyweekend.

Finally after seven years I was able to move on. But I had NEVER cried over his loss. After nine years I started dating again. Met a really nice guy. We had some nice fun dates. Then he found we had a clash of needs and we mutually parted.

It hit the fan for me. I cried for a whole day. I wasn't crying over the loss of my new fella in my life....it was the loss of never getting to say goodbye to my former spouse, who never writes and I haven't heard from in over six years....I could finally cry and grieve for all that I missed.

Let yourself feel what you need to. You might find something really stupid will set you crying and it will make no sense, but it might be the trigger you need to let out your grief at the loss of your wife.

I'm sorry this happened. I've known two women who died on the table just after having their baby. Thier husbands were devasated. As one says who could have seen that coming? No one.

Your experience sounds very hurtful, over a long period of time, Mormon Observer. I'm so sorry that someone, somewhere couldn't find a way to be understanding and compassionate about your loss. People can be so judgemental and also fail to think about how a situation feels from the other person's viewpoint. For whatever reason it occurred, the end result was the same - the loss of your spouse. This is well known to be off the scale in terms of measuring loss. Devastating, life-altering, overwhelming. People's reactions can really help or really hurt. Too bad that in Mormonism it's all too often the latter situation.

I hope things are going okay for you now, M.O.

I feel for you. You never allowed yourself to grieve. Buried emotions remain and operate at subconscious level. The best way to release the buried emotions is to allow yourself to fully experience them and release them.

You might sit quietly and fully allow yourself to remember all the pain and keep going as deep as you can. You may cry, that I'd release. You may also want to allow yourself to feel the anger at all the people that guided you wrong. Feel your anger at TSCC. Then, release it. It may take several sessions to release it all.

I wish you well in your healing.

I work for the Funeral industry.

Let me tell you some of these people are the most caring and understanding people in the business. They have seen people come back years later because at the moment of their loved ones death they were too struck to even grieve. People who say they want the cheap funeral and have a cremation without a goodbye farewell or service usually come back because they missed some of the steps to grief (which services and family help with)

It's never too late and no one who understands will ever fault you for the delayed grief. You obviously miss her (just not how you perceive) or you wouldn't have told this story or even thought about it.

You might find a grief counselor that can help you understand what happened and where your feelings are.

Thank you for sharing your story. For me, the damaging side of the lds church is illustrated in the personal stories of those who believe in it. Like you said so well, those who submit themselves to the will of the corporation and its patriarchs and priesthood leaders.

Over my mormon years I've had conversations with other members about this very topic, remarrying too fast after the death of a spouse. I always thought it was disturbing that there was no grieving time and no matter what I never could get myself to agree with my more TBM brothers and sisters. Their words and tones bothered me. "I want to my husband to remarry asap, i I pass away before him" or "A man should not be alone, he must remarry asap" and even "the children need a mother". No room or time for grieving or for human emotions. Sometimes it even seemed to me that no-one was allowed to be sad at the funeral. Sick, just sick.

My heart goes out to the young you who had to go through so much pain and had those in your life just push you under more distress. I'm glad you're out. You're obviously a survivor. Maybe your desire to share the story now is because you are ready to revisit that part of your life and have a proper closure.

I like what Mormon Observer shared, she cried when she ended her new relationship but all the pain and tears were really for the old love she never grieved. Her newer loss was the trigger for the real pain she had been carrying for years.

I wish you all the best.

D

It is not too late to grieve, my friend. And, you should not feel like an idiot for doing so.

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. How awful!

I would strongly suggest speaking to a professional grief counselor in your area. A good place to start looking for one is at your nearest hospital hospice.

It sounds like you really need some closure for your own well being.

Good luck. You will be in my prayers.

I too have a lump in my throat. I have long believed that the mormon church prevents people from truly grieving for the death of a loved one.....afterall....they are still ALIVE!!! So even if you are given the space to grieve, do you really?

My dad died when I was three years old. I was prevented from grieving due to my age. I was really clueless, but massively impacted by the loss. In retrospect I can see that this loss and lack of grieving gurgled to the surface throughout my life. Finally when I was 25 years old I started to realize that perhaps I needed to grieve. I did, as much as I could. Its hard without an acute cause to un-bury something so well buried. So it gurgled. I knew it was there and i tried to let it burn off steam from time to time. It wasn't until I met the man of my dreams when I was 32 that I was forced to go down that scary hallway and open ALL the doors(as he would put it)! I had flashbacks, nightmares, and LOTS of therapy. After almost 8 months of being together, my relationship is AMAZING! My point is, I wasn't able to fully grieve until I was forced to face the buried emotions or give up the love of my life.

My mom never re-married. She struggled to raise four kids on her own and was/is an amazing mother. She believes that my dad is in heaven, looking down on and watching us all. She believes that he is alive....like he never REALLY died. She is waiting for him. He is waiting for her. How could she betray him? She never tried very hard to date and remarry, which is totally fine, but knowing her it was because of deeply buried insecurities etc. She is now 60 and alone. I get teared up just thinking that the church may have robbed my mother of a happy loving relationship.

I think when you have a trauma as substatial as losing your wife or father or any loved one that you will grieve the rest of your life. Every new situation presents a new way to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Numbness is not uncommon....sometimes it the only way to survive. I am sure the time will come that you grieve for your lost wife. When that time comes, just be kind to yourself. Let it happen.

My condolences for such a terrible loss and its aftermath. Your Mormon advisors were obviously not coming from a position of strength in this situation, lacking the necessary knowledge and skills or even just the basic instinct about how to best help.

I have answered in more detail on another thread after a reply you made there. (In hindsight, I should have put it here). But now at least this reply will serve to deservedly top your thread. It would be good for more people to see and read your post. This is evidence of a huge problem in Mormonism that hurts so many and is not widely enough exposed.

My husband just passed after 50 plus years of marriage. I went through the dying process with him. Your situation is beyond my ability to even comprehend.

First - it's an unimaginable set of circumstances and loss. You got through it with the support of people who believed as you did that you were doing the best you could, at the time.
Now, looking back, that all doesn't seem so wise.

However....It's never too late to grieve. If it were me, I'd go through the process with a counselor I trusted that works in this field. Give yourself permission to deal with all of your feelings in a safe environment.

It's never too late to take your power back and own it.
You can't change the past, but you can certainly create a new and better today and future.
My best wishes to you.

Your story is so sad and my heart goes out to you.
I agree with many others - you still need to grieve.
Seek help if you can and understanding friends.
Thoughts are with you

I'm so sorry, this is so horrible.

I find myself more in the position of your second wife (well, actually, I'm the "mistake" that comes along after that second marriage ends badly)

I hope you find peace and space to grieve.

Your story really moved me. That is one of the saddest things I have read, and I don't really know what to say or how to respond. Your insight and writing are amazing.

I am very sorry, and I can relate my father died when I was 5 and we were very close.... It was all about "one day you'll see him again" with a smile. I suppressed all my feeling from that day, even a 5 year old needs to grieve. Blind eye to the little girl who's hurting. instead of my mother parenting me, she let the church do it with there brainwashing.

That's a terrible story. I'm very sorry.

So sorry you had to go through that. If you had not been LDS, you proly wouldn't have been pressured into marrying again so soon. So typical of that cult. I can only imagine why the 2nd marriage did not work out, i.e. you didn't know her well enough, you weren't in love with her, you missed your 1st wife, you were greiving, etc. How long did that marriage last?

It lasted 8 years, but I knew the first month that it was a huge mistake, and for all the reasons you identified. But I thought God would hate me if I called it quits, so I kept trying.

I have a friend who lost her husband and only son, a toddler in a canoe accident almost exactly a year ago. I can see how she's trapped, and can't really heal and work free of the grief to a new life down the road. She's sealed to this man and their adopted son. She can't ever be sealed to anyone else unless she has the sealing canceled, and that would equate to throwing away her dead husband and son. The false beliefs and nonsense of the church create much more heartache than they solve.

I'm so sorry for what you've been put through. How is your daughter now?

She is very well. She's 13 now and a talented, intelligent girl. She told me last week that she thinks the Book of Mormon is a "fairy tail." Making her old man proud!

The suffering you've endured is unimaginable. I am so very sorry.

Adding my voice to the others in hoping you will find a caring and compassionate therapist who can help you work your way through conflicting emotions and decide what's right for you.

You went through so much intensity and intimacy in such a brief period of time - you didn't have a chance to catch a breath. It makes sense for anyone put through such a wringer to wonder if the absence of delayed grief means the time has passed for it. That may change so give yourself permission above all to honor your feelings about it whenever they might occur. Watching your daughter as she transitions into adulthood, being at her wedding if she gets married, the birth of her first child if she has children - all of these might bring up unexpectedly powerful feelings.

Healing thoughts wherever the journey leads.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/26/2013 11:37AM by frogdogs.

Well, well, that story is a humdinger... every time we think the corporation-posting-as-a-church could not get worse, we hear an experience like yours.

First off, I am very sorry for your loss. Unbelievable tragedy and trauma for you and your baby.

And you've identified the culprit, the cult, which found a way to take advantage of your vulnerability yet again.

Today you have taken a big step forward in so eloquently writing your experience and having the courage to put these sensitive feelings out there. It is a written scream and it is your right to name and describe what happened to you. You are speaking to a group of Joseph Smith-loving Mormons who sincerely believe family comes first for Mormons. You are adding your little slice of experience to a growing mosaic of truth which we are proclaiming to the world: this is NOT a family-oriented church. It is a money-oriented business.

Thank you for that.

Now it's time for you to heal and move forward with good management of your life, with care and tenderness towards your mental state as number one priority.

1) TAKE BACK WHAT WAS STOLEN. The cult robbed you of something? Immediately take it back. They can't take anything from you without your permission. Your gut is telling you that your grief is still inside you, so in reality, they didn't steal it. What they did is to suppress it because you are no good to them if you are not producing money and paying tithing and supporting their programs with your free labor. Sorry if this sounds cynical, but just look at their exploitive behavior in trying to turn your graveside service into a missionary opportunity, using you and your tragedy.

2) STOP JUDGING YOURSELF. The cult has trained you to judge yourself constantly. You question the appropriateness of screaming when your young wife just DIED? HOney, I not only screamed, I rolled on the ground. There is no appropriate way to react to news of this magnitude. Why, anointedone's daughter FAINTED when he said he was leaving the church. No one died! We are INDIVIDUALS, we are not templates off the assembly line. How about a break for yourself-- instead of judging the appropriateness of your behavior, why don't you honor your spontaneous behaviors as representations of the real you who is emerging? Of course, this means you switch your attitude to reality, which is that you are not only fine, you are exactly where you are supposed to be. That is, your grief is still there waiting to be released when you are fully ready and not a moment before. Maybe you had to fully detach from the church before the grieving will come, you don't know! All you know for sure is that you want to grieve and are now fearful that you can't and might be screwed up for life. Saying it out loud is ok, if it feels true for you.

3) COUNSELING? I am not sure you can afford it or are willing to go. It is wonderful to have a third party you pay to learn about you and listen to you with that valuable professional perspective, as a guide. Not all of us can make that happen. If you are unable, for whatever reason, to access counseling, then you can access some free or low cost support groups for delayed grief. I went to one sponsored by the Catholic Church. It was a weekend for about $150 and each of us had a partner. It was a breakthrough experience for me and for many others as well. I was surprised to find others who also felt "stuck." I learned a surprising thing-- that there were people there whose loved one died like five or ten years previous and they were also feeling "stuck." Finding a grief support group might even help you more than individual therapy, regardless of $. Go with your gut and don't feel like you have to justify everything you do. Roll this statement around inside your mind, "I want to."

I am currently helping two of my daughters who are having a problem doing what they "want to" rather than what they "should" be doing. There is nothing wrong with doing what you want to without explaining or defending your choice to yourself or others. You will find out why you wanted to go to the mountains instead of the beach when you get there.

Don't be concerned that you don't "miss" your dead wife. I don't miss my father, who died in 1994. I didn't cry or really grieve for him because I didn't really know him that well. He was gone most of the time when I was a child, he never confided any opinions or thoughts to me because that was the "deal" he made with my mother because she was Catholic. I was only to hear Catholic thoughts. Consequently, I never knew who my father was so it was hard to miss him. I have since created a grieving opportunity by writing down all the things I remember about good times we had when I was a little girl. The trip to the beach, camping, etc. I cried when I wrote about those things--what I was grieving about was the loss of the opportunity to know him. He was wonderful and very dedicated to giving his children the American dream.

Your own grief will shape itself as you write about your wife. I see that you have writing talent, so this could be your avenue of release. You can make a memory book for your child of everything you can remember, let it take a form that feels right for you. Or it can be something deeply personal and include the fights and the sex. You may need this more--only you can be the judge. And then when you are healed, you can burn it and watch the smoke go up.

My heart goes out to you, friend. You have friends here and we care how things turn out for you. Please keep us posted and remember somebody is here 24/7. I have seen people post in the middle of the night "Anybody here" and there's an answer pop up from Sleepless in Memphis. LOL!

Anagrammy