Posted by:
jackamormon
(
)
Date: January 18, 2013 08:42PM
I've been reading a lot of posts about couples where one half was a non-believer and the other half still believed.
I notice as I read these that most people who are concerned about the mental well-being of their partner are men concerned about their wives.
I know I might get some backlash for this, but I have a theory that although the church gives more power to men, women seem more prone to building their whole identity around the church than do the men...especially stay-at-home moms, where their only sense of community outside of home may be church (where working dads may also have community with colleagues at their jobs).
A little about me, now. I am female (convert, only mildly active at this point). I have found myself in a relationship with a TBM who knows that I do not believe. I have told him flat out that I do not believe that the church is true, and that I am likely going to resign. I also said that the only reason I ever show up at all anymore is because I don't want other people hounding him about me. (He doesn't shut up about me. Especially after he found out I fed missionaries on Christmas Eve. He tells people at church that I don't show up because I will lose my job if I don't work Sunday...which isn't exactly true). He has effectively gotten the HTs to leave me alone.
He tells me he wants to be a part of my life no matter what path I choose. But then he talks about how he "wants to be there the first time I go through the temple".
I know that this relationship cannot go any further unless he either realizes I'm seriously never going to go through the temple and decides he can live with that...or stops believing himself.
I told him that I've learned things and read things that have upset me. I told him also that I will not accept "you-should-not-read-certain-things" as an answer, because I think telling people what to read robs them of agency. He actually agreed with me on that.
I told him I won't share anything with him about my findings unless he asks me. He told me that was one of many reasons he loves me.
I'm optimistic because he wants a life beyond what the church has to offer him. He has told me that one of the things he loves about me is how I've introduced him to so many people he would never normally meet (non-Mormons). He's an incredibly brilliant scientist AND a talented artist. We do volunteer work together in the community that is not church-oriented. He's successful in his job, and well-liked by Mormons and non-Mormons alike. He has openly asked church leadership why the church endorses Boy Scouts but not Girl Scouts. (I explained this to him later. He didn't get angry, but did do some mental gymnastics.)
Whether he stays or goes, I don't think it would destroy him if he no longer believed. He has a strong support system (more than me) if he leaves. But, he's BIC, and has a good relationship with his family. He's the only sincere Mormon I've ever met. I told him so.
I guess here I have to apply Shakespeare's quote: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."
Either way, I've gotta make it clear to him that I'm never going to do the hokey-pokey in the Temple.