I started this thread about a week ago...

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,71611,71611#msg-71

I heard from my brother who is in college via texts last night and this morning. He told me he has not been to church in a year and has been hiding depression his whole life, but is feeling better since quitting church. Also that he is bisexual or gay, I guess he is figuring it out, he said it's complicated. I have been trying to support him the best I can and I referred him here in the hopes that he can read stories of people who have gone through similar struggle. I got his permission to post this in the hopes that he can receive some support from you kind people. :)

Apparently my mom confronted him last night about not going to church, he told her, just that he isn't happy and doesn't want to go to church. She suggested he get on depression medication. lol

He has always been the good, obedient son, and I think he is scared that she will not accept him. I made it clear to him how much I love him and that I want him to be happy, Mormon or not, gay, straight, or bi, whatever makes him happy. We have an uncle and a couple cousins who are gay, so I think there is a decent chance that our parents will be accepting of him, of course there is no way to know for sure. So far, I told him to get her used to the idea of him not going to church. I don't know if that was the right thing to say, but that is why I am here. :) I have no idea how to tell him how to break the news of his sexuality, and if it is better to wait or better just to rip the metaphorical band-aid off all at once and tell her everything. He is working and going to college on a scholarship, so he is supporting himself and doesn't have to worry about losing monetary support.

So is it better for him to just drop a few hints first, like getting the facial piercing he wants, or is it better to lay it all out in detail? I think he is still figuring things out, and I told him that I still don't have it all figured out, so I think it would be difficult to really give too much detail right now anyway.

I am so proud of my brother for not continuing the Mormon charade and going on a mission. I just want to help him in any way I can. I don't want to see my little brother suffer. Any advice for him or me would be appreciated. Thank you. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2011 02:55PM by piper.

Your advice sounds really good. He's lucky to have such a supportive sibling. He'll find a lot of people who have been through the same thing on this board. Good for him for seeing through the church's lies and for accepting his sexuality.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2011 01:13PM by vhainya.

Thanks Vhainya. It was hard for me telling my parents I didn't believe in the church anymore, I can't imagine how hard it must be for him to also have to tell them he is gay.

It is a tough situation and I think you are handling it well. I'm sorry that he has to go through all this.

My gay son spent a few years in what appeared to me to be depression and a complete lack of direction. Little did I know that he was struggling with his faith and trying to not to let me down because he was gay.

When he finally told me what was going on, I was so relieved that it wasn't something bad...serious illness, etc, that it just didn't matter. I wished he had told me sooner, because maybe I could have helped him instead of him struggling by himself.

I can't say how your parents would react, but I can say that seeing your child struggle when you don't understand what is going on is painful and confusing.

I believe that honesty is always the best policy, and if he is honest with himself he will feel better about everything. Trying to live a lie or keep a secret like that is very painful. Support your brother and encourage him to spill the beans. He will feel much better when he does.

At the end of the day, your parents will either keep loving him or not, regardless of when he tells him his status. Your brother, however, will be able to begin the process of moving on, and his emotional health will be much better off.

Be there for him, let your parents know you support him regardless of their response, and let everyone else you know that he is still your brother and nothing has changed. I believe that showing unconditional support from you will have the greatest impact on those closest to you.

Thank you for the lovely responses so far. I emailed the link to this thread to my brother so that he can read this. :)

Hi Piper,

I was in the exact same boat your brother is in. I never got the chance to officially "come out" to my parents before they both passed away, but I now realize they pretty much knew all along. I also have a supportive sister like you. I am paraphrasing, but she once emailed me a message not long after finding out that I was gay that I have never forgotten:

"You're my brother and I love you no matter WHO you are."

(WHO - not WHAT I was). I found it extremely perceptive of her to know that my sexuality wasn't a choice - it was simply who I was.

You sound like that type of sister. Whatever happens between your brother and your parents, he is lucky to have you.

Thanks for responding. What advice would you give to my brother, as far as coming out is concerned? Is it better to just tell our parents that he does not want to go to church, or is it better to tell them everything? I think he is still figuring things out, should he tell them once he gets things a bit more figured out for himself?

As brefots said below, circumstances can be so different...

My advice to him would be to take it slow and reveal only what he's comfortable with at any given time. Your parents (like mine) may already have an idea.

I would start with his not wanting to go to church and give them his reasons. Once that sinks in, he can proceed with the coming out - but at his own pace.

Many think they can't hurt their parents by simply being themselves (I was in this camp), so keep them in the dark completely - but in my opinion now (for what it's worth), not letting them know who you really are is more hurtful in the longrun.

Actually it's not quite true. A sister and my mother knew I was gay before I left mormonism, but the rest of the family got a letter with both news, I figured it was difficult enough to go through once so why embaress myself twice? It's hard to give advice, circumstances can be so different with your brother. All I can say is that in the long run I have never regretted coming out to anyone and I suspect the same will be true for your brother. Life is so much easier when reality, no matter if harsh, is on your side.

I forgot about the book I read last year that I thought was excellent and so did my ex--"Perfect: The Journey of a Gay Mormon."

I believe you can get it at lulu.com

I loved it.

...to love him no matter what!

The timing of coming out--when, and whether all at once with both or bit by bit--is a tough call. You two know your parents best. And there is also the matter of what timing is best for your brother.

"Just a mom" has some great thoughts, especially these:

"At the end of the day, your parents will either keep loving him or not, regardless of when he tells him his status. Your brother, however, will be able to begin the process of moving on, and his emotional health will be much better off."

Good luck. Let us know how things go!

I wish my boyfriend's sister was more like you! Supportive, non-judgmental, caring....dream come true.

Piper's brother,

Being gay or bisexual is not a choice... you were born this way, period. It's perfectly ok, and you can and will have a good, fulfilling life. The only difference is how long it takes for each individual to come to terms with his or her own sexuality, and that also includes coming out to loved ones. I have a few loved ones who are gay, and in my experience, those who took longer to come out of the closet were the ones who suffered the most. They were readily accepted as they are, no questions asked. It may or may not be like that in your family, but you'll only know when you try it. If you want to take it slow and drop hints, don't take too long... the anxiety will bug you continuously. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to just come clean at once, in the near future. When you do it, though, don't play the poor guy in need of acceptance... be very kind to them, but also be proud of who you are. Show them you are confident in yourself. You are a very precious, unique individual, and you have a sister and possibly several other relatives who will support you, so don't be afraid. I wish you the best of luck. Piper, keep us posted.

there is NOTHING WRONG WITH HIS SEXUALITY. He was born with whatever his sexuality is and he is perfectly NORMAL.

He should wait until he feels VERY secure within himself about his identity before he decides to tell his mother or any TBMs in the family. Mormon mothers can either be brutal and vicious defenders of the faith w.r.t. their gay sons, or they will simply up and leave the cult too. Asking hypothetical questions of them doesn't work because they ALWAYS justify that you must be talking about someone else's kid so it is someone else's problem. You never know which way your own mother will react until the moment she hears the news, so it is best to be intellectually, emotionally, and physically prepared for the worst possible scenario. Anything else will be a pleasant surprise.

It sounds like you are a terrific support for him. Keep up the good work! Best wishes to you both!

My husband's godparent's son came out to his parents a couple of years ago. They are not mormon, but extremely religious nonetheless. He was 17 at the time, and completely comfortable with who he was.

His mother completely freaked, crying and screaming. She then proceeded to try to "pray" his homosexuality out of him. His parents sent him to church councilors that could supposedly turn him straight again. He endured this because he likes his parent's money. As I said, he was confident in himself and didn't let it bother him too much.

Over the past two years, his parents have learned to live with who their son is. They are back to being loving, supportive parents even if they cannot understand everything about their son.

If your parents react badly, tell your brother to not let it bother him too much. Some people need time to process something that shocks them. He is still their son, and they will still love him.