Posted by:
Desperately Seeking Advice
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Date: January 24, 2013 02:48PM
I need help and advice on how to help and advise.
Background: When my ex and I divorced, the kids were in elementary school. Up until junior high, all was well in the relationship with their dad, me, and their new step-mom. After their dad had another baby, the relationship changed. The kids were told they "weren't the baby anymore" and that "all the attention would go to the real baby." They weren't kidding. Whenever I picked the kids up from weekend visits with their dad, step-mom and young sibling, they would need to decompress from the events. The parents would frequently leave, for hours at a time, leaving the kids to babysit, and wanting a break when my ex and his wife would return home. When the kids wanted their own space, and the baby cried to be with them, the "teenagers" were reprimanded for not caring about their sibling.
On top of the constant babysitting duties, the kids were demeaned and belittled by their dad and step mom until one day, one of the kids snapped and ran away with a cell phone in hand. That kid called me and after I spoke with both my ex (who was furious) and his wife (who was surprisingly on my kids' side), the kids didn't want to see their dad for a while until he settled down. After that incident, their dad started parenting classes for the first time and returned to a therapist (that was two years ago).
Present Day: The verbal abuse continues, even though the kids are in college now. The other night, one of my kids called me on the phone crying, saying that my ex had turned around the idea of a gift this kid was intending to give him and made this kid feel guilty for not doing more. The kid responded by saying don't make this about what you're not getting, can't you see what I'm giving you? Still, the heartache that I felt for my kid after that incident just made my blood boil in anger towards my ex.
There have been enough good moments with their dad that offset the bad ones, but they don't know who they're going to get, the good dad or the bad one, each time they talk with him or stay at his house with him. I've sat behind the scenes, guiding the kids how to behave, encouraging them to take the lead which they've done extremely well. I haven't tried to "take them away" from their dad or talked shit about him to their faces, instead I've helped them know how to stand up for themselves since I won't be able to solve all of their problems in their lives. But I think I've made a grave error by staying on the outside for so long.
Advice Needed: I haven't interfered because I have no power over their dad nor do I want that power. I also have no influence in helping him see straight which has been demonstrated in personal discussions and phone calls on different matters. But I want to speak my mind somehow because this cycle of behavior just isn't ending (it's been five years now that he's been behaving this way towards the kids in our twelve year divorce). He's alienating himself from the kids and they're trying their hardest to stand up for themselves but also trying to make their relationship work. I want to write a letter, knowing his wife will understand, and hopefully that he'll take to his therapist since talking with my ex gets me nowhere.
Wise RfMers, what do you advise? Do I write a letter? Leave it in the adult kids' hands? What?
Desperately Seeking Advice