After my experience in the MTC and the temple (see http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,711118,711118) and discovering the truth, I really don't want this church to be a part of my life. At the moment though things have become more and more tense, especially between the family I'm staying with and my parents.

Today was quite bad, as this morning I received a text from my mum saying "Are you going to church today?". How am I meant to reply to that?? A few minutes after I get that text I get a call from her and my dad asking if I'm going and I say yes. I did go, but it has become so painful going there. The only reason I go is because of my host family putting pressure on me to go as well as my parents.

At church bishop wanted to talk to me as he had an "impression" that he should. I didn't want to be rude so I spoke with him. He asked me if I was okay and how my testimony was blah blah and if there was anything he could do. I just said that I want to feel more comfortable but we all know that's impossible. :(　He also said that my "countanance looked better since we last talked"..earlier though I looked at myself in the mirror when I used the restroom and I looked like a wreck :'( Living like this really is taking its toll..

After church on the drive back home I was asked "so how was church?". I said it was okay, and then I got back "just okay?". Then I had to explain myself..I just told them that I'm finding it difficult going especially as I don't really have many close friends there.

So what am I to do? I'm also getting pressure from the missionaries as well as they practically "forced" me to set a date for them to see me this week...I couldn't say I was busy all week!! They will be coming over for dinner on Wednesday so hopefully it will be just that - dinner and a short "message" afterwards.

As I said in my earlier post I will be moving out to live with some other students in September but that is so long away! When I'm at home with my parents the pressure becomes even more and I just don't want to live like this anymore.

What can I do?? :(



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/27/2013 04:21PM by miggols99.

Where are you at? Have any income? How old are you?

I'm 19, from the UK, and I'm currently in my first year studying music at university. My only income is my student loan I get every term which is enough to live off of..I've been thinking of getting a part time job but I've been struggling quite a lot fitting in all of my work so I'm not so sure.

You could move out. That makes it harder for them to follow up on you. My parents still don't know I left the church like 4 months ago.

Although really, there is probably going to have to be a confrontation about it at some point, either way. You might just want to come clean and tell them all that (to paraphrase a quote from JS) you've "learned for yourself that [Mormonism] is not true."

Hmmm, I don't know your situation, or why you have a "host family" ...but maybe you need to set some boundaries.

It might be time to say clearly: I won't be discussing Mormonism with anyone right now. I need to be left alone and have time to sort things out.
Anymore questions will be answered with the same thing: thank you for thinking of me, but I need to make it clear, again that I need to be left alone right now. I won't discuss Mormonism with anyone.

Then stick to it! You can be pleasant and smile and not answer a single question.

In short, you need people to back off and stop pestering you as it's just turning you against the religion.

You need to learn to be more assertive. You are lying about your real reasons and you just need to be honest and direct.

That doesn't mean you need to get in arguments with people, but you do need to let them know that you have concluded that the church is false.

This is easier said than done, but also scary.

Note: She can out herself if she wants to but I was just talking to someone that put off telling her family that she doesn't believe in the church for nearly 5 years. She is now kicking herself that she didn't get over it sooner.

This arrangement is not working for you.
Find a different apartment, perhaps you can share the rent with a couple of other students.

You'd best get away from this "host" family asap.
Ask a couple of your class mates to come along and help you move out.

Since your parents are not supporting you financially why are you letting them push you?
You are not even living at home, time to make your own decisions.

At 19 you're really old enough to make your own decisions about what you want and what makes you happy. Being at uni is an ideal time to start to make some life decisions.

Perhaps start by telling people that you're having a break from church. You don't need to give all the specific reasons - even to close family members - and certainly not church members/bishop.

Just say church isn't working for you right now and so you're having a break. If you require any assistance you'll ask for it etc.... It's your life. You set the boundaries. Don't live it just for the sake of other people's expectations.

couch surfing

Try to find a part-time job. I worked during certain periods of my college career, and what I found was that it forced me to be more organized. Plus it gives you a break from your studies and an independent income.

Focus on finding other accommodation. If you really can't find accommodation before September, then manage with that family as best you can. If you feel you must attend church to placate them, then do the minimum that you have to do. Refuse callings and talks with the bishop and the missionaries. Learn how to say, "no." Trust me, it's a valuable life skill. You learn it through practice. Be brave and do it.

Once you are on your own, cut your ties with the church. Either go inactive or resign. I would recommend resigning if you don't feel that it will permanently damage your family relationships. Tell your parents that while you love them and honor the way they raised you, the LDS church is not for you.

It's your life, and you get to decide how to live it. Don't give up this precious freedom to anyone.

You can ignore texts and calls from family. Many people don't return every message they get. If they mention it, say sorry and change the subject.

You really will have to learn to be more assertive. Tell the missionaries 'no, I have no time at all. This isn't a priority for me now. I'll get back to you if anything changes.' Then walk away and don't answer any questions.

Practice saying things like that in front of a mirror. Make eye contact, be firm but polite.

Sometimes they take you by surprise and you fold, but stand in front of the mirror and practice what you wish you had said. It's just a skill like anything else.

A simple "no" does wonders. If you ever want to be in control of your own life, it starts by asserting yourself. You don't have to move out, just create your own life within their walls. They have no power to harangue you or belittle you, unless you allow them. They are trying to look out for you, but you need to look out for yourself. Most people aren't offended by the simple, honest answer of "no." We just think they will be so we don't give it as often as we should.

Once you do it, you'll be addicted. I say "no" to the missionaries all the time, and the stake presidency secretary, relief society, etc.

At a practical level go and speak to student services. Mid-year it is entirely possible that some first year students will have withdrawn from courses or decide that they prefer to be in a house share. You could find catered accommodation on campus so your meals will still be provided for you.

Otherwise,monitor various notice boards in and around the students' union. Some students advertise spare rooms as their peers may have moved out for whatever reason. They need to keep paying rent for the remainder of the contract so finding a new house mate means that their outgoings won't increase due to an empty room going spare.

You may find it too much of an upheaval to move and move again but only you know how you can cope with that.

Go to your careers service at uni. They are likely to have details of part time jobs for continuing students.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

So I had the missionaries come round for dinner today..it was okay. They were talking about how in my host family's old ward in North Yorkshire that family after family are leaving the church over things like Joseph Smith and all of the issues. Which I thought was quite funny.

Well anyway we had a lesson afterwards which was based all on the message of "God loves us all"..well you know the rest. I told them I can't see God's love for me in my life and that he doesn't seem to care very much about me. They told me that these trials are just to make me stronger and are for the greater good. And with this all of the pressure from my host "mum" saying that they were inspired to teach this to be as it was so relevent and all that. Blegh!

I don't see myself moving out this academic year as it will be seriously awkward with the contract and I don't need more things to do in regards to moving everything as I'm busy enough as it is! Also I'm a bit wary of living with people I don't really know...?

So I've been going to counselling because I really needed to talk to someone about my problems. Their advice was to just put up with it for now as it really isn't that long. They also recommended that I speak with my sister that left the church (she left about the same age as me). I haven't gotten around to doing that yet but I will do sometime soon. I think it will help.

Also thanks Heresy and dot..I know I have problems with saying "no" to people. I think it's been programmed into me from TSCC to just say yes to everything. :(

and not to tell people more than they need to know (which I've also had a problem with) require practice. I've been practicing both for years, and while I still sometimes overinform and say yes when I don't really want to, I can attest that it really works if you put some conscious effort into it. For me, that means practicing being comfortable with silence while I decide what and/or how much to say. More often than not, I find the shortest and simplest statement will do and I don't need to explain it.

What you told the missionaries was none of their business, and telling them only helped the host mum feel entitled to pressure you some more.

and if it doesn't work with the host family, find a way to move.

I would add, too, that a little bit of confidence goes a long way. :)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2013 03:41PM by munchybotaz.

Miggols! Relax! It's all good :)

All the negative emotions you're feeling are just a big bag a bricks. Set it down. Take a load off.

So the church is a fraud. Great. That means all the pressure is off. No celestial pissing contests, no invisible beings watching you go to the bathroom, no demons haunting your thoughts.

If you absolutely must continue to go to church for whatever reasons you have, just relax and enjoy yourself. They're a bunch of little primary kids whose bodies got older. Go for the people watching. Go for the free bread & water.

But please stop beating yourself up about it. You realize it's all fake now, so stop letting it control how you feel.

One thing about the lds church is that it 'teaches' us that we have to answer whatever question a member or leader asks. This is not so. Ideally you'd be able to just say no, but having been a young mormon myself I know it is not as easy as it sounds. You can come up with excuses if you don't want to discuss things.

I like what kolobian said. Just relax and if you must go to church, people watch. You may spot others who are in the same boat.

You could use school as an excuse. You said you have a lot of work from school. If you want to skip a Sunday, do so. If you must justify it to your parents or host family, just say No, I'm not going to church, I have a lot of homework to finish. If they press you keep on repeating the same answer. "I said no, I'm not going to church."

You could also find yourself a part-time job that conveniently gives you hours on Sundays.

You're lucky you are in the UK and not in a church-sponsed school where they can threaten to have you kick out.

In two days we will be in February, getting closer to September. Hang in there.

Good luck.

Just because people ask questions (that are none of their business) doesn't mean you have to answer them.

There was an earlier thread about how to reply to questions you don't want to answer to. Some really good suggestions.


Also, the bishop wasn't inspired. Someone (parents?) put him up to it.

Also, Yep! you Can be busy all week. Too busy to hang out with the mishey's. We all need our TV time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2013 05:03PM by Mia.

I'm probably about an hour from you on the 'other' side of the Pennines. We go up to your region for sailing now and again.

September is not too far away if you can just wing it through - my kids pretended for years when we were TBM and I gave them their 'agency' but now we're all out having resigned together. Be kind to yourself and remind the church bods that you need to study. Universities are strict about things being done on time and that is your first priority.

Student Welfare Services or the Students Union may be able to help you out - they have all the contacts you should need.

Hugs and hang in there - it will all be okay in the end.

Briggy

Since you don't believe in "the church" and don't like going there, then why waste your time?

At age 19 you are an adult. Nobody can coerce you into attending church if you don't care to do so. On Satuday evening, get your books and other school stuff ready and then first thing on Sunday eat a quick breakfast and then leave the house with your school stuff. Don't go back to the house until late afternoon or evening.

If they ask where you went, say "I did something useful with my time." Repeat that answer as often as needed without saying anything else.

I wish I could just stop going altogether. My host family don't force me to go or anything like that (if they did I would be out in a flash!) but the pressure they put on me is unbelievable.

Any time I don't go, even if it's for a good reason, I get bombarded with "are you okay? why didn't you go to church today?" and "are you trying to avoid church? we're concerned." etc. etc.

I think I will just have to "wing it" because if I stopped going to church completely it will get quite awkward with my host family...the only people that ever come round are church members so if I become "apostate" I have a feeling I will be shunned, and that will just make the relationship with my host family not so good.

Nothing is worse than living with people that you don't get on with..

Next Sunday, follow the suggestion I made to leave the house and not go to church.

Then when you return later in the day and they start questioning and pressuring you, say this:

---------------------

Have you ever read the 11th Article of Faith? The Articles of Faith were written by Joseph Smith two years before his death. The 11th Article of Faith states:

"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."

Is there any part of that statement that you do not understand?

For the time being I do not choose to attend church meetings. When I don't attend I expect you to adhere to the 11th Article of Faith. That means you are not to question me about why I don't care to attend meetings. Is there anything about my position that you don't understand?

---------------------

Don't let them draw you into a discussion. Don't let them continue to question you. If they try to do that then say:

I have stated my position and I have made it very clear to you. I have nothing more to say. This discussion has ended. Then walk away from them.

I know you're in a difficult situation...most if not all of us have also been in similarly tough situations as well.

Keep in mind that until YOU take control of your situation and establish boundaries that YOU are comfortable with...you will continue to be in your mess.

The ONLY way out of your mess is for you to take control of your mess by coming clean with those around you. Will it hurt them YES. Can they control your life...only if you let them.

If it helps ... take baby steps...it will prolong your pain...but in the long run may reduce the immediant pain.

Keeping in mind that only YOU know your complete story...but knowing what I know...here's what I would do.

01. I would tell the TBM family that you live with that you will no longer be attending church with them. If they ask why ... just be nice and tell them that its a personal matter and that you'd rather not discuse it with them and leave it at that...if they presist...keep telling them that its a personal matter...until they drop it.

02. When your mum calls and asks if you are attending church...be honest and say no. If she ask why...follow instructions in #01

03. When Missionaries, bishopric etc drop by and wish to discuse why you no longer attend church...follow instuctions in #01.

What you are doing is setting up "boundaries". As an adult you owe them nothing, nada, zeltch. The less said the better and leave it at that.

But its all really up to you to take control of your own life and set up boundaries with these people...if you fail to do so...then you really have no one but your self to blame when they presist in bugging you to attend church or do anything that you are uncommfortable doing...part of freeing yourself from Mormonism...is setting up boundaries that work for you rather than them.

Best of luck...

I wish you luck...

So to recap...If they say...

Are you okay? It's personal matter and I would hope that you can respect my wish not to discuse it.


Why didn't you go to church today? It's personal matter and I would hope that you can respect my wish not to discuse it.

Are you trying to avoid church? It's personal matter and I would hope that you can respect my wish not to discuse it.

We're concerned. Thanks for your concern but I'm actualy quite fine and very happy. Be sure to smile :-)

Thanks for the advice. Next time they try that on me I'll make sure I'll use these (or something similar) ^^

except that it will hurt them. They hurt themselves with their own feelings, clinging to their belief in an obvious fraud and imaginary god.

miggols99,

I just want to say that questions lie "are you okay? why didn't you go to church today?" are meant to make you feel bad for not going. And they do work. Try to keep that in mind. When they ask if you re OK just say "yes, I am, thanks for asking". And when they as why didn't you go to church you can just say "I was busy" or "lots of school work."

You're right, it could get ackward if you don't play along, but I have a feeling you will be able to manage till September. After all, you were smart enough to figure out the church!

Oh, and when you feel it's getting hard, just come to the board and vent.

D

Miggols99,
What I would add is that you are not alone in having to keep up appearances for family sake. I think you'd be surprised if you knew who around you might be feeling the same way, I am sure there will be some. Would you be happy talking to someone else in the same position, if you could find them?

I would love to be able to talk to someone in a similar position to mine..right now I feel like no-one I know (except for you guys - to some extent) really knows what it's like in my situation and that can be difficult :(

miggols99 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>"Are you going to church
> today?".

No.

> I said it was okay, and then
> I got back "just okay?".

Yeah, just OK.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2013 06:11PM by lulu.

The reason I ask is because from your description I think its possible that I know you outside of the forum. Now you might be comfortable staying anonymous, I'd understand that. If you did want to talk outside the forum though if that would help, equally would be happy to do that too.

You know what...if you really do know me I'd love to talk to you in person :) My real name is Michael..is that who you were expecting?

Yes, then I do know you! Quite well! Unfortunately I am not sure I am as brave to reveal my name here, but if you want I can be in touch separately.

Sure! You can contact me through my e-mail address: miggols99[at]gmail[dot]com :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2013 06:41PM by miggols99.

My flippant answer (I'm swearing off profound comments): Drink a pint, then get laid. All pressure will then be off.

On second thought, that's not so flippant. But be you and live life fully. It's so painful to be something you are not meant to be.