Packer's speech today was the final straw. I refuse to have my name associated with the LDS church in any way, shape or form, unless it is said in opposition. Reading his comments first made me ill, then immediately and deeply concerned for any LGBT church members. I WILL NOT let them count me as one of their own.

Among my anger, I'm scared. I don't want my family to know and I had planned putting this off until I moved out of Utah. And this is why I come to you: How can I make the process smooth? How can I do my best to ensure my family is not notified? I am trying to build a relationship with them, and healthy interaction has become more frequent, if not entirely common, and I sincerely wish to have a relationship with them. Resigning would destroy four years of work and likely permanently impact any future opportunities to form a healthy relationship. Do you have any advice on what my letter can say and/or what I can do to give me the best chance of completing resignation without the LDS church involving my family?

Added note: I am an adult and I am married to a never-mo. The mormon church has contacted them in order to track me down before, and they have complied happily, hence why I am concerned they will contact them again.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/03/2010 04:23PM by valiasedai.

Your parents will find out in tithing settlement. However, ask yourself, what do you think they would do, or what do you think the church would tell them to do if they were part of an organization that taught things that conflicted with their moral values? Do you think they would hesitate to resign? Most likely they would resign immediately and proclaim that resignation with self righteous gusto! Resigning is the only way to send a signal to those in power that the members do not agree with their positions. The more people are open about having resigned the harder it will be for members to demonize the act because there will be so many people who have resigned. More than half the church is inactive. Your views are the majority not the minority in the church.

I should probably add this to the above statement: I am and adult, I am married, but I am living quite near my parents. The LDS church has contacted my parents frequently in regards to my whereabouts, including times they had not been able to contact me personally after numerous tries.

Thank you for your encouragement!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/03/2010 04:22PM by valiasedai.

It is my understanding that the bishop has them review their current church records which lists all their children who are members. So when they see that your name is missing they will ask why and then know what has happened.

Where can I go to read Packer's comments? Do you have a link?

Sorry to hear that leaving the church will cause friction in your family. That sort of thing marks the church as a cult.

This is all I have, which was posted on facebook by an ex-mormon friend:

"Any persuasion to enter into any relationship not in harmony with the Gospel must necessarily be wrong... Some Suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and the unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father, do that to anyone? ... God will not suffer you to be tempted above what ye are able... You can if you will, break the habits and conquer the addiction and come away from that which is not worthy of any member of the church.... Wo unto them who call evil good and good evil....

[T]here are those today who not only tolerate but advocate voting to change lives that would legalize immorality. As if a vote could somehow alter the designs of God's laws of nature.

A law against nature would be impossible to enforce. For instance, what good would the law against, vote against the law of gravity do? There are both moral and physical laws irrevocably decreed in Heaven before the foundation of the world that cannot be changed. History demonstrates over and over again that moral standards cannot be changed by battle and cannot be changed by ballot. To legalize that which is basically wrong or evil will not prevent the pain and penalties that will follow as sure as night follows day."

Mad and deluded. Packer's full of it.

When I hear GA's say this hateful crap it just makes me so damn angry because my parents buy into this and then it makes it even worse for me!

Already the emails and Facebook postings are going out in which mormons delight in calling evil "evil".

I think some of them just get off on the holier-than-thou schtick, and on the power they think they have to force others to live according to their religious doctrine.

The bishop at the time was/is a really good guy.

And the bishopric respected my wishes. That was probably 7 years ago. My best friend in the ward was in the RS Presidency and she didn't even know about it when I mentioned I had resigned (years later). And nobody in my family has said a word about my resignation. I assume they don't know.

Yes, there ARE cases where parents have been tipped off at tithing settlement, but I don't know if that's the exception or the rule. Perhaps the church won't call your family looking for you anymore after you resign.

But I have a thought for you. If your improved relationship with your family DEPENDS on them not knowing something about you (something that isn't even something to be ashamed of, merely something they don't AGREE with), then what kind of relationship IS it? Based on pretenses and CONDITIONAL. Sometimes we are willing to take whatever acceptance we can get from our families of origin, but the quality of the relationship suffers when we can't really show who we are. It becomes a surface relationship. (Sometimes that's better than nothing, though).

I'm not going to tell you to tell them everything. I waited about 3 years to resign because I was so afraid of "hurting" them, of them (or the neighbors) finding out and being upset with me, etc. But there came a point when I felt I needed to base my decision on what felt right to ME, not what would gain the acceptance of others. I needed to close the chapter on my church membership and be done with it.

And after all the angst over resigning, nothing happened. But the important part of the experience was making the decision to listen to MYSELF and stop basing decision on how I thought other people would react. It was the personal growth, and (forgive the cliche) taking back my personal power that mattered.

Good luck on your decision. No matter what happens, just remember that the choice of what religion you want to belong to is YOUR business. You don't have to tell anyone, and nobody else should have a vote on your religious choice. If somebody has a problem with that . . . let THEM deal with it.

I left Utah before I resigned as I didn't know it was an option. I just told my bish I was done and wouldn't be coming back.

My father had already left the church and I was a single adult at the time so I had it fairly easy. That was 11 years ago. Now I'm with a nevermo and have been for almost ten years. These past several months have been a bit of a whirlwind for me. I discovered the process of official resignation and it's brought up a lot of stuff I thought I'd left behind long ago.

Long story short; I'm much happier and emotionally secure now that I've taken that step. I thought I had been so sure of myself and that I'd left that part of my life behind but I was wrong. Even in these short few months my relationship with my significant other has become much tighter. I don't have to dodge my history in conversation. I didn't have to before but I did anyway. My advice is to resign and let the chips fall where they may. I know it's a tough decision to make but it was the right one for me.

Just Do It. Life will change, but it's the only decent way to live.

Dufreyne--

I don't think families usually find out unless they're connected to the locals in your ward or unless they happen to take a close look at the paperwork during tithing settlement.

But you'll have to take your chances and be ready for the possibility that everyone you know will find out that you've resigned.

And you'll need to be ready in case the process doesn't go smoothly. It Usually does, but there are no guarantees.

It is absolutely inappropriate for the church to use the parents of an adult to locate the child, manipulate them, or pressure them.

This sounds a lot like a gay person trying to decide whether to come out to the family and be who they really are but possibly risk the family never speaking to them again.

Life is short. My advice would be to live your life to the fullest; be who you really are and follow your conscience. Give your parents the opportunity to step up and love you unconditionally. They may need a little time to get used to the idea. But above all be proud of who you are; you have done nothing wrong. You are not an axe murderer.

In fact you are being a caring and compassionate human being who refuses to hate because some old man in a business suit tells you to. Sounds like something the real Jesus would do.

their statement they are not a Mormon is sufficient. Some say they need to write an official resignation letter and get the confirmation. I did both, in that order! :-)

The one and only thing my believing husband asked was what I needed from him. I told him I needed him to live the 11th Article of Faith, and he did and has!
So few, it appears, are able to do that.
The Articles of Faith - #11:
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

when we make a decision to leave Mormonism, we are in essence, in my observation and experience, leaving our "tribe" and becoming an unwelcome outsider turning against their God. It is often seen as rejection of all family members, and friends and they take it personally.

It takes courage and strength to take that kind of step. It's a major decision that has far reaching consequences, much of the time.

Some families are able to respect other people's rights to change their mind about their religious views, some are not.

My view is that it's best to keep it as private as possible. Some like to write letters, often very long ones, and email them to the whole family. I am not a proponent of doing that as it stirs up the Hornets Nest, so to speak, and it often becomes a long drawn out harangue filled with emotional upheaval. I believe in writing letters, but not mailing them as the letters are for our personal process/therapy and really don't need to be shared in most cases.


The best advice seems to be to go slow, quietly to inactive, and not involve the extended family in your religious beliefs, or choices. I talk to dozens of people, Mormons included and never once mention any religious ideas or beliefs.
In general, it's none of their business. Their religious beliefs are none of my business either.

It appears that you have a family situation that will support you. Stick with that.

I live with and love Mormons. I always will. I do it "my way" which means I am more interested in the love and fun and laughter of a relationship than any religious beliefs.
Works for me just fine.

I think it works best to keep it simple, also. I changed my mind about my religious beliefs. It's personal and private.
Then change the subject.

You'll figure it out, you'll find the way that will work best for you. Might take some trial and error, but you'll do fine.