Today my mom attacked my integrity because I am lying to God by not going to church. This hurts because it is because of my integrity that I decided to come clean about my leaving tscc.

Lying to god? Denying the Holy Ghost?

It is all so crazy and the circular logic mystifies me. Pray until you believe, go to church until you have a testimony. My mom said it best today when she said that she knew I hadn't prayed about the "truthfulness of the gospel" with a sincere heart because if I had, I would now it was true.

Wy would I bother praying with an insincere heart?

Ugh.

I Am so sorry that this is still happening with your mom.

((hugs))

Oh, it is never going to end... And I really have to get over it. But she manages to get me when I am already having a tough time. And the whole integrity thing got me thinking today.

Nice to talk to you fidget :)

That's very much a cluster B thing to twist the knife when you're already hurting. Have you read up on the things narcissists and borderlines can do? The church dysfunctionally encourages a lot of these traits.

Mormons have a different definition of "integrity".

I'm sorry Suzanne.

I think sometimes when the bullying continues you need to fight back. And by "fight back" I mean telling them what is wrong with the church and start going into some of the details of why you don't believe it.

The objective is not to convince them that they are wrong, but to show them that their is enough information that they go into "la, la, la - I can't hear you mode" - essentially make them scared to discuss it because they don't want to know.

It's basically about getting them to respect you & the relationship enough not to bring it up anymore. Then if they do bring it up, welcome it and start going into details.

From what you have said about your mom I suspect this approach will be very effective with her.

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For example if she wants to talk about integrity, start talking about why Joseph Smith had no integrity.

If you want help with "ammo" let us know.
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Another approach is to directly tell them that religion needs to be off the table of the relationship will suffer. For some this is enough, for others it is not.

From what you have said with your Mom I think this approach will be very ineffective with her unless you are prepared to strictly enforce it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/12/2013 11:36PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

From "Integrity," from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy:

Vices that undermine integrity-

Arrogance, dogmatism, fanaticism, monomania, preciousness, sanctimoniousness, and rigidity. These are all traits that can defeat integrity in so far as they undermine and suppress attempts by an individual to critically assess and balance their desires, commitments, wishes, changing goals and other factors.

iii. One can fail to live up to a commitment because one has changed one's mind and adopted a different commitment or moral principle. This is normal moral change (hopefully, growth, not regression) and to condemn this for lack of integrity would require us to keep the moral beliefs we first formed as children throughout our lives.

I get "the talk" now and then, too, from my daughter. It gets rather "old." I'll think we are making headway and then she'll hit me again. I'm sorry your mother is doing this to you.

I like bc's approach--like pointing out things about JS and his integrity--though I don't plan on doing this with my daughter. She KNOWS this stuff. She used to be anti. Last time she did something like this (just before Christmas--seems to bring it out in her)--I did tell her a few days later that if I was so difficult to be around, to PLEASE stay away. That opened her eyes pretty quickly. I've never seen her so apologetic for how she treated me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2013 09:10AM by cl2.

Your mom is talking through a fog of twisted mormon thinking. What she says isn't sensible or lucid.

It's difficult to hear hurtful messages from her, but it's part of being an exmo in recovery.

Mormons speak as cult-members based on their programming. They're trying to force you back to church in any way possible and can't help their bad behavior.

If she talks this way, you need to shut off or turn the subject to another topic.

Exmormons have rights too, but mormons must be trained to respect them. Moms know all of the hot buttons in their kids and have to be taught not to push them once kids mature.

Good luck.