I came to the realization tonight that I am basically constantly working on ruining my marriage with my inability to express my needs and wants. I am afraid that one of these days something seemingly dumb is going to happen and it will be just enough to break my little secret resentment shelf and I will jump up, yell "I can't take it anymore!" and storm out, leaving him genuinely confused.

There are definitely some reception issues on his side that could be worked on, but for the most part it comes down to me being afraid of any kind of conflict and either not even bringing something up that bothers me, or just shutting down if he responds harshly and not actually working anything out.

I came to realize that he really thinks everything is great when he commented to his brother and SIL that their parents would be so much better off if they could communicate like we do...

So because I'm on my phone and don't want to be much more ranty, I'll just ask, is this where I try to get us to marriage counseling, or do I need to just work on myself first?

One formula that you might try for working out problems is as follows (it was taught to me by a counselor:)

"I feel ______ when you _______. I want you to _______."

For instance -- "I feel angry when you leave me with a huge mess to clean up. I want you to help clean before you go out."

I remember a time when I said to my husband, "Blah, blah, blah, our marriage is in trouble..."

Hubby said, "What are you talking about? Our marriage is FINE!"

Apparently, it was fine for him.

Eventually, we got a divorce.


Marriage counseling can't hurt, might help.

I was not happy. The status quo was just peachy with him. Well, why wouldn't it be? We both worked outside the home full time, but the second I got home, I was expected to take care of child, fix meals, do laundry, clean the house, etc, etc, and no amount of coaxing or bargaining could get spouse to participate in any of this.

When I suggested marriage counseling, he said "If you need it, YOU go. I don't need it."

We divorced.

This is the exact right time to get counseling - not later. Be honest and let him know your issues. If you cant say it, write it. Just take it easy and dont storm out.

Communication issues is one the the things that counseling is most effective at improving. You are clearly unhappy enough and your marriage is one sided enough that it is past time for counseling. If he is willing to go, great - if not, just going on your own would still be extremely helpful.

In the mean time - check out Dear Prudence on slate.com. She has a lot of great advice/ideas on how to assertively communicate. I disagree with much of what she says, but her patter for standing up for yourslef and establishing and enforcing boundaries is spot on.

That featured "prairie oysters" on the menu...

Order them and eat 'em, and it'll prove you have 'em...

I never could, however, so my advice is relax...

After that, I'd look at the "payoffs" for passive behavior (and there are plenty, and they're not all "bad"). Changing behavior often means learning to forego them, and that'll feel funny and unnatural for a time.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/31/2013 08:49AM by SL Cabbie.

Former doormat. I had to decide what was OK with me and what was not OK with me. What boundaries define "They are acting that way because they are having a shitty day" and "they are treating me like this because they think they can treat me like shit because I allow them to treat me like shit." I remember the day I set the line. I remember the surprised look. Because the person is not really a bully or jerk, I think they realized they were being nasty. Things have changed.

I think Cabbie has a point that you don't need to turn into someone you are not - but when you end an interaction and you don't respect yourself because you let someone wipe their feet all over you, I think you have to find the balance where you can deal with conflict but not be abused.

Ok, so we had a few decent days where I thought maybe I was overreacting. (Somewhere I gained some amazing skills in justifying everything...)

Nope. Last night it went poorly and he ended up mumbling something about sleeping on the couch because his back hurt. This morning when I got up at 6 to exercise, he got up, got ready and left the house without saying anything. We carpool.

So does anyone have any suggestions for a good counselor? (Or a place I could start looking? Once I get to work I'm going to look into any mental health benefits we might have.