Often I see posters who describe significant sadness when they realize that the church is not true.

I'm someone that really likes to feel empathy and understand where people are coming from - and in this case I have a hard time doing so.

I am not trying to put people down for feeling this way. That is NOT my point at all. In fact, what I am after is the opposite. In my case I doubted for years and tried and tried to believe, but could not sustain it. For me finally admitting to myself that the church was not true wasn't sad at all, but rather, a relief.

For me it was also a very slow burn when I deconstructed my belief over years with many ups and downs and believing more and believing less - it was a very slow burn. For me church was primarily a burden. It was boring. I got stuck doing callings I didn't want to do. I felt a lot of guilt and shame. I felt apart and isolated because of my many doubts.

So I just have no personal frame of reference to understand / empathize with feeling sad where all I felt was relief.

I did feel some wistfulness as I was leaving/distancing myself. I still sometimes feel sad that I will never sit in the Celestial Room holding my wife's hand again. I miss some of the social aspects of the church, etc.

For those who did feel the significant sadness/loss will you explain it to me so that perhaps I can better understand (and maybe be better able to support those who have such an experience.)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2013 11:19PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2013 12:52AM by ambivalent exmo.

When making major changes people can be sad for lots of reasons.

I certainly ban be sad when I have trusted someone or and organization then found out they lied. Angry and sad.

I can be sad to lose a way of life that I thought was comfortable.

In the Case of TSCC, people can have the same sort of attachment to the prophet as a close family member, then be sad for the loss of the relationship they thought they had.

It all comes down to being sad over a loss of something important in ones life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2013 11:04PM by MJ.

I was sad because I knew what it meant for the future of my relationship with my TBM family. I knew that me not going to church or being active would destroy our relationship and it has. They still talk to me, but we will never be close.

This, too^^^

We all react differently. I have never felt sad, or much anger, lots of frustration. Mostly it was relief, and a sense of independence and a lot of snickering and laughter.

Wow, I felt the same way, by the time I was SURE TSCC wasn't "true", it was a RELIEF. I had spend a lot of years in church misery, trying to be good. I thought it was me. I was so glad it was all lies. This site saved my sanity and I also had no more guilt!!!

I think MJ put it well....sad at losing something important. Also the trust issue as well is one with which I identify.

But at the same time, Im feeling a huge sense of something I would describe as liberation and freedom. Unencumbered by idiotic and meaningless codes of conduct can be amazingly enlightening.

OK storm, I can give you my point of view, but it's just one of many. Unlike you, I didn't doubt for years - I didn't doubt for a minute. I went from believing to disbelief in like an hour. I spent months and months studying after that to convince myself I was right but in all honesty, my belief in a lot of things was yanked out from under my feet like a rug and I fell hard.

My beliefs all came into question. What happens after we die then? And what is the purpose of life? Who really are my friends - who do I trust? What is real and do I trust myself to discern that based on being epically fooled by Mormonism? I lost the guiding bedrock principles of my life, especially considering that all my major life decisions had been made based on what I thought was a firm foundation: Mormonism. I no longer had a tribe, as SusieQ says. Ward parties and activities, temple trips, service projects ... all the things I'd grown up doing, where I belonged - it was all a lie.

Now granted, in retrospect I'm glad to be free of Mormon obligations, goals, burdens and the boredom that is today's church. But back in the day, there were roadshows, dance festivals, barbeques, dances, firesides and fun. Now it's just work, pay up, work more, listen to people drone on, work, pay, fear for you and your family's eternal life, clean toilets, drudge. The church used to be a lot better and I don't think I realized how far it had fallen until I got some distance and perspective.

So yeah, there were times I was sad about leaving the church. Times I was angry at being lied to. Times I was relieved and free and felt the world finally made sense. Primarily I was relieved but I had my very sad moments too, realizing everything I did, everything I hoped for was wrong.

Yep, you said it well CAgirl...very similar take and feelings, here.

It was sad in several ways. First it was sad like when I found out that Santa wasn't real. Santa was too good to be true, but I totally wanted him to be real - until it was obvious that he wasn't. Second it was sad because the loss of belief permeated every aspect of my life and nearly every relationship that mattered to me. Thirdly it was sad because I felt duped, stupid, betrayed, and naive. Lastly it was sad because a massive part of my identity was wrapped up in being mormon - sadness came as part of my new found identity crisis.

Sure I was sad, but it didn't last long and I am truly happy now.

When Buzz Lightyear discovered that he was not a space ranger but just a toy he was kinda bummed out for a while. But he seemed to get over it. Eventually he seemed much happier knowing the truth. I love that scene in Toy Story 2 when the now enlightened Buzz bumps into the new Buzz in the toy store. The new Buzz beleives he is a space ranger. And the older Buzz has a great line. He says "Tell me I wasnt this deluded." The satisfaction of knowing the truth and knowing youve been able to deconstruct the myth more than compensates the initial let down. I guess being a space ranger is a lot more cool though. kinda like being a god in embryo.

TSCC answered a lot of my questions, philosophical and practical. The church used to ask the question: "Where am I from? Why am I here? Where am I going?" I'd asked these questions all my life and tscc was the first institution that gave what seemed, to me, a reasonable answer.

Now I don't know where I come from, why I'm here, or where I'm going. Sometimes I miss the security of belief. But I love the freedom too much to ever go back.

It was a RELIEF to me to know that the guilt & shame I had felt for so many years was unfounded.

But it's SAD to think about my family still in there, struggling to make sense of it.

When religion = way of life, it can come as quite a sad realization to know that you've given your life (time, energy, money) to a fraudulent cult.

"For me church was primarily a burden. It was boring. I got stuck doing callings I didn't want to do. I felt a lot of guilt and shame. I felt apart and isolated because of my many doubts."

Yep - that's exactly how I felt. I would imagine however that there are some whose entire identity and self-assurance are wrapped up in TSCC and everything to do with it, especially if they were BIC.

Even now, I read a few TBM friend's blogs, and they talk about their 3 year old 'leading a prayer', or a story like this:

We had to take our [3 year old daughter] to the ER - she could not lift her right arm in the slightest without screaming in pain at Church today. We've never experienced scary medical trauma. I am so grateful that [husband] grabbed [peter priesthood friend] after Church to give [daughter] a blessing before we took her in.
1. They took her to church in the first place
2. They remained there until it was over
3. They did a blessing BEFORE taking her to ER!
It's like, wow, their entire sense of self actually comes from TSCC, and always has if they were BIC.

But, I don't really get the sad feeling myself. Personally, I'm just super irritated that it even exists, and that I have to deal with it at all through the TBM in-laws, as well as being furious at TSCC's audacity and fraudulence.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2013 12:50AM by dogeatdog.

That's one of the things that really irritates me about the church is their, I guess you could say circular logic(?)...I don't know the term, where they give blessings before or right after a serious situation and then if they get better it's because of the blessing, but if they don't, it's a testing of faith. Worst. Logic. Ever!

I think the logic term is contradictory premises--the terms of the argument cancel out.

For TBMs, though, it's deeper than a flaw in logic. I think it's doublethink, which Orwell defines as the ability to believe an idea AND its opposite, and this act of contradictory belief happens without consciousness as a function of instinct. Exactly the kind of thinking TSCC demands from TBMs.

Doublethink = creepy-ass cult!

I was still in high school when I realized TSCC was a lie, and I reacted with rage, despair, confusion, fear, and yes, sadness.

At 15, I still had a somewhat idealized image of my parents--I thought my dad was awesome, smart and funny, and I was proud of my mom, who had finally decided to stop being a SAHM (which made her miserable) and go back to school to begin a career that SHE wanted.

But, after I overcame my belief in the cult, my opinion of my parents couldn't survive. For each of them, I had to question their motives. How could my dad, the history expert, believe in Joseph Smith? How could my mom, the woman who fought so hard for independence and confidence, agree to a Plan of Salvation that relegates her to an infinity of spirit-uterus-dom? None of it made sense--my parents were either morons, or hypocrites, or liars, or intellectual failures, or [fill in the blank].

All these years later, I still wonder--and that makes me sad, still. I'm sad that I can't respect my parents, who are mostly decent folks, except for the part about giving 10% of their income to fund a bigoted, corrupt, manipulative cult.

molly_phobic Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
I'm sad that I can't respect
> my parents, who are mostly decent folks, except
> for the part about giving 10% of their income to
> fund a bigoted, corrupt, manipulative cult.

I think that's how my husband feels. And his parents are math and science teachers, yet they believe the illogical....

I can relate more to the slow burn that you describe and in the end learning that the church is a fraud has been a relief. I think that I've skipped the sadness because I already felt it and dealt with it throught the course of my "falling away". There were times that I did feel really sad about things that I couldn't seem to have such as a testimony, the lack of which kept me as an outsider when I really wanted to be in and feel a part of something. Grateful for it now, but it was sad at the time and there were lots of tears and self-loathing over my inability to meet the expectations. Since that has been dealt with for some time, the revelations about the church have gotten more of a "oh, that's nice" response.

For me, yeah I felt sad, shocked, and sick all at the same time. My entire life had been based on an elaborate 19th centaury fraud. All the tithing that I paid, my two years on my mission, my graduation from BYU, all the hours I spent at church, all the hours I spent reading manufactured scripture, and, all the guilt I carried for 30 years for various minor infractions against the Corporate Cult including remaining single, for nothing. For the first time in my life I had to stare existential dread in the face and deal with the uncertainty that my soul may not be immortal and uncertainty became a part of my life. My anchor was gone. Now I feel like I am just drifting. I still remember when it hit me I became very emotional stumbled backwards and propped myself against the corner walls of my room as it sank in.

Of course, I was just a little kid at the time. When I realized that the cult was false, I was fucking relieved.

I thrilled and delighted when I realized I could leave the mormon church.

Others feel deep regret, loss, fear, guilt, anger, or a confusing combination of emotions that can years to sort and understand. That's cult recovery.

Who am I if not Mormon? What would Jesus do? I have many church songs in my head, seminary scriptures...
If it wasn't for the church I would have never married my husband. There were no lds guys around were I lived so I went online. I moved over the big ocean left my family and friends so I can have a forever family only to find out it's not true. I am very close to my family (outside the USA) and I miss them so much. I told hubby if it wasn't for the religion we would have never met he got sad when I said it. And I had to clarify that I am happy I have him and the kids. I miss my language, my culture, my siblings, parents and friends and all because I
KNEW that this is the true church. Plane tickets are expensive and so is buying special foods from my country.
Don't get me wrong I could have not found a better guy then my husband but I am sad that my family overseas can't watch our kids growing up. Oh well so is life on a good note our kids are all under 8 years old I think they will forget the teachings they had so far.

subeam Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What would Jesus do?


He would have a jelly donut, of course!!

For most who leave the church, it is and end of belief in any god. The prospect of being worm food can be depressing as compared to the celestial mansion thing. Takes a while to readjust.

Relief is a good way to describe it for me, but I am sad that people very close to me haven't managed to escape yet.

'Mixed feelings' is probably more accurate for what I felt.

I was sad that I had wasted so much of my life, especially the prime years of my 30s. Harder than leaving Mormonism, though, was leaving Christianity behind. I had really believed in Jesus, and giving up the belief in an elder brother who lived and died for us was like losing one of my real-life siblings.

It's been nearly a year since I stopped believing. The sadness about the church being a fraud has largely faded and the sense of relief has grown.

Thank your for all your comments and thoughts from a wide variety of perspectives.

One of several insights I had was while reading this responses helped me understand why as a long time doubter I primarily felt relief.

For many years I at least partly felt there was something wrong with me. The church strongly teaches that if you doubt it is because something is wrong with the doubter. To once and for all decide, no there is nothing wrong with me, it is the church that is wrong was where much of the feeling of relief came from.

I suppose I did feel most of the feelings and emotions - it was just stretched out over years instead of all at once, so it was much less intense.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2013 12:01PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

The Oncoming Storm - bc Wrote:
> I suppose I did feel most of the feelings and
> emotions - it was just stretched out over years
> instead of all at once, so it was much less
> intense.

I think this is why I was so sad--I went from TBM to apostate in a matter of weeks. At first, it felt almost like a death because the transition was so sudden that it packed an emotional punch similar to the loss of a loved one.

Over time, I've come to see all the ridiculousness of the doctrine and that has contributed to a growing sense of relief.

I'm sad--

The Garden of Eden was not in Missouri;
The earth isn't 6000 years old;
The Jeredites didn't come from the Tower of Babel
in miniature submarines with all their animals;
Shiz didn't stand up and struggle for breath
after his head was cut off;
Christ didn't let thousands of people thrust their
hands into his wounds;
Christ didn't destroy many cities and kill hundreds of thousands of people in America after his resurrection;
Joseph didn't translate with a rock in the hat;
I don't get scores of women in heaven unless I convert to Islam;
Most of all, Holland is a real Dodo after all.
What the f*ck were we thinking?

For me it's sad for a number of reasons:

I no longer have reason to believe I'll ever see my Dad again, who died recently.
I cannot comfort my mom.
I have nothing (yet) to replace it with that is remotely as comforting.
I had a purpose in life. Now it's gone.
I had a soul. Now it's gone.
I had free will, and now I'm not sure. Even with nothing else, free will could make life worth living.
I was once able to connect spiritually with my family. Now I am spiritually alone.
I felt loved. Now I'm not sure.
I felt I was doing what was right. Now I don't know there is a right.
Becoming a God sounded awesome!

I think it's also good for a number of reasons, but you asked why I would be sad.

I only had a light belief in the doctrines. It wasn't total so it hurt less when I let them go, but I do still struggle with some very faint beliefs that has made me regrettably hurt some people.

What hurt the most was the loss of my social life. Shunning hurts. So does gossip and slander.

It didn't hurt to leave, but the loneliness did.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2013 12:32PM by liminal state.