Posted by:
wendell
(
)
Date: January 21, 2011 10:23AM
I finally got my Dad to talk about my situation and he made it very clear that he does not hate me. He is simply very hurt, angry, and extremely sad that I have decided to damage the reputation of his family by leaving the church and opening up about my sexuality. So, I finally understand that this is all about his reputation and my wants and desires do not matter. Here is a conversation that we had the other day:
Me: So Dad, you are more worried about your reputation than you are about my well-being?
Dad: No, it's just that I wish you could see how much you have hurt this entire family with your decisions.
Me: So, my feelings are not as important as the feelings of the rest of you?
Dad: It's not about that son. It's about the fact that you are choosing pain and sorrow over peace and joy.
Me: Peace and joy Dad? For who? Certainly not me. Do you think it was easy for me to live a lie for more than 35 years? Do you think it was easy for me to pretend to be something I'm not for so long? I don't think my life had much peace and joy before I decided to take care of myself and my needs.
Dad: It's just that we love you so much and want you to have eternal happiness. Your Mother and I want our entire family together in the next life.
Me: Dad, I'm sorry, but how can you expect me to spend my entire life being miserable just so you don't have to be embarrassed by me? It's too much to ask of anyone.
Dad: Well, I hope you will one day change your mind.
Me: And if I don't change my mind. Will you continue to be embarrassed and hurt about me and my choices?
Dad: Yes, I will always be hurt by it,but that doesn't mean I don't love you.
Me: Dad, I hope you do love me, but I often think you are more worried about the reputation of this family than you are about me, and I think it's pretty sad. This family has always been about getting all the glory and honor we can, and I am tired of it. The people in this family have only talked about 2 things over the past month - 1) the glory our cousin is getting from being on that stupid reality show, and 2) the fact that I have destroyed the reputation of the family. The P family is simply looking for glory and attention. Dad, I need to be able to be happy in this life, and I really wish you could see that I am not doing this to hurt anyone. I just want to be loved for who I am.
Dad: That's really not fair for you to say that Son. I have always wanted my kids to be happy...
Me: Maybe that's true, but you don't have the right to decide what makes us happy. We have to make those choices on our own. I'm sorry, but I cannot live my life for you or for anyone else. I hope that one day you can begin to understand that.
Dad: I think I understand a lot more than you think I do.
Me: Perhaps, but I wish you could understand that I only want to be happy, and I am making the choices that I believe will help me to do so.
Dad: I guess we have nothing more to say about this?
Me: No, I guess we don't. I'm sorry that we cannot be closer Dad...I really truly would like to have a better relationship with you.
Dad: Me too.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long, but I did want to share with you. I actually felt a little better about this conversation than most of the other recent conversations I have had with him. I'm glad we remained civil and I am truly hoping that one day we can be close again.