Posted by:
Nightingale
(
)
Date: June 05, 2013 07:24PM
1. New Viewpoint: I'm happy for you that you found this site and others that can help you to see things the way they really are. It doesn't have to precipitate a crisis. Try to frame it as you just finding out there's a different way to look at things. You can weigh up both ways and see what you think about things then.
2. Be Net Safe: (a) Be safe as you post - it's hard to find private time on a mission, as we all know - and yes, they are watching you! (2) Be safe in the information you post re any identifying info - it's not hard for the COB to figure out where you are and then to narrow it down to who you are (I don't mean to scare you but that's the reality of the situation). Also be safe in any help you accept. Try not to do anything impulsively so that you are left with few options, which could make you more vulnerable than you already are. Be aware that on this site, and others, and out in the real world, people prey on anyone they see as being vulnerable. Inform yourself. Make rational decisions. Always think safety first.
3. Trustworthy Help: Consider going through this site's Admin (Sus I/S - email: exmolight@gmail.com) if you want to contact another poster or accept their help. Sus can offer guidance in many ways. She can be an intermediary between you and other posters so you don't have to disclose any personal info. She has been here for many years and is absolutely trusted by Eric, this board's founder, and by many posters she has helped through the years.
4. Depression: You say you feel depressed and it's worse in the mornings. That is a common experience with depression - it's so hard to get going in the mornings. I think (although I'm not an expert on it) that it might not be a bad idea to tell your MP how you're feeling. An adult, in authority, is under some obligation to safeguard your mental and physical health. He will not be likely to suggest you go home because of it. In fact, he will much more likely try and convince you to stay. But at least he can't say he wasn't informed.
Actually, re-reading your post, it sounds as if you've already told him. If so, you've done the right thing. He's the one who isn't doing the right thing, by trying to convince you to tough it out. That just shows how little he understands depression. People who don't understand what it's like think a "rational" approach will solve it - just get up and go, they say - when what you're trying to say is that you can't get up. It doesn't have to make sense, it's just how it is. They don't get that.
I saw a situation of domestic abuse between missionaries when I was a new member. The abused companion kept saying it was all her fault (unfortunately, a common "victim" idea) and the MP kept saying there was nothing wrong and, in particular, that the abuser was "a great missionary" and to make his point, he actually kept the abused missionary together with her abuser companion for another month past transfer after I had reported the situation. The abused missionary suffered another month of emotional and even physical abuse and then the abuser went on to abuse all of her subsequent companions until mercifully it was finally time for her to return home. This MP gave the same spiel as yours - the refiner's fire idea, as if that's any excuse for leaving someone in an impossible situation.
I'm a great believer in crying uncle when you can't take it any more - and preferably before you reach that point. Who says you have to just lie there and let the bullies kick you to death? No! Fight back! And that fighting back should take any form it can to help protect your mind and body, your health and sanity.
There are many stories on this site and others of the lasting ill-effects of missions - that not only can it be two years of hell for a missionary but the bad effects can also impact their future for many years. Many posters here have shared their sad tales of lingering bad health from experiences they had on their missions, often preventable if not for the lack of timely medical care or even simple hygiene.
So I'd say: Cry Uncle! Take charge. Think of your own present well-being and future health. At the least, ask for some sick time (the abused missionary referred to above at least got a week in the mission home after my report and it did help her somewhat) or better yet, state (not ask) what you need. I think that if you state it rather than ask it you may be taken more seriously. Tell your parents. They too should be informed. You may really need a medical discharge, either temporary or permanent, so you can go home and seek proper medical assessment and treatment if required. If you take the small steps, such as stating that it's temporary but that you need this help, that could soften the blow to MP and parents.
You may find something that helps you feel better from the depression point of view, but you may still feel disturbed about what you're learning about your church and how it makes you feel (not helpful for depression, for certain). This may (understandably) lead to you still wanting to go home early. Most of us here know how devastating that can be to family and friends. The best advice I have read here is that it's your life and you're in charge of it, even at this stage and age. Don't stay out for two years working for something you're not comfortable with or worse, don't believe in. It's just a total waste of two years of your life at that point. It's a wonder that every single missionary isn't depressed. I'd guess that 90% of them don't want to be there. That's the worst thing about missions, in my view - there's so much lying going on - lying to leaders, lying to each other, lying to investigators and members - about all kinds of things. There is not a lot of straightforwardness on a mission, I have found.
Many have posted that leaving their mission - or leaving the church - almost instantly "cured" their feelings of depression. I am in this group - as a convert I felt depressed nearly from day 1. I even ended up seeing the church psych. Then one day it finally occurred to me to ask myself why I was attending a church that made me feel depressed. It turned out to be the key question for me. I never went back and started feeling a lot better right away.
Think now of what YOU want the rest of your life to be like and then right away start mapping out how to achieve it. Don't waste two years on something you don't believe in, if you don't, that won't get you where you want to go. Whatever the reactions are of other people, even parents, is up to them and are not your responsibility. If this means that you state you need temporary reprieve (go to sick bay) or short term release from the mission (go home to get medical help) or whether you outright state you're done with the mission, just make sure that you get what you need to find safe passage home, or wherever you want to go,and that you have some means of support once you arrive. I think being straightforward, rather than constantly having to pretend and even lie, will help your mental health right there.
It's a lot to think about all at once. Take it as slowly as you need to. But make your health a top priority. Maybe the message of that "refiner's fire" is that you're in the wrong place and need to change direction. The MP cannot interpret the universe for you. That's up to each of us to do for ourselves.
5. Stick around RfM: Try and read more here to find support and gain confidence and get ideas for how to cope and where to go from here (maybe literally!) It would be great to see more posts from you to know how you're doing. I hope that nobody in your life (like MP, fellow mishies, members, parents, etc) tries to warn you off getting a well-rounded view of the world and all its knowledge and cultures and diversities. Don't operate from fear but rather with strength of mind and body. Do whatever you need to achieve those goals - whatever will help to optimize both physical and mental health. That's the least you need in order to meet life's many challenges, now and in the future.
Remember - be safe - contact Sus I/S (Admin) for help and safety - and know that many here are on your side, hoping for all the best for you.
Please post again if you can and at least let us know how you're feeling or what's up at your end. Feel better! Be healthy! All the best to you.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/05/2013 07:34PM by Nightingale.