only have a short time to write. I am currently serving a mission and have only just discovered this site during email time. I have only been out a few months and am struggling with depression every day. The mornings are the worst. I feel like there is no way that I can go home to face my folks or friends without causing major damage. My mission president keeps telling me I am in the refiners fire and that things will get better. (miracles happen after the trail of faith) Well im tired of waiting and after looking for help on the internet I feel like I have discovered alot about the church I didnt know before. What should I do? If I somehow get a chance i will post more of my story.

Can you disclose where you are serving? Just general location don't be specific. That way maybe one of the board members could help you.

Ahhh....memories. It reminds me of myself 20 years ago on my mission. Holly shit that was a miserable two years. It does get better though.....after 24 months you go home. It feels like a jail break when it finally happens.

Hey lostutahn, I'm in TN. I am not in a position to provide lodging, etc. should you decide to leave your mission, but I have friends in the area and most of the bordering states that can help if needed. Good luck, and please come back here and let us know how you are doing!

I remember hating mornings every day on my mission. I don't feel qualified to advise you, but if it were me and I found out the real truth of the LDS church on my mission, there's no way that I could stay. And this is one of the morg's biggest traps: if you leave they (your family, ward, friends, etc) will try to make you feel like a horrible person, when in reality, THEY are the ones causing so much pain to you. I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation.

I know exactly how you feel. I felt like that on my mission. If I knew then what I know now, I would have hopped the next flight home and told everyone they could accept my decision or not. But that was their choice and I knew I had done what's best for me.

At the time though, just like you, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I just stuck it out and now I'm sorry I did.

If you really feel like you're starting to lose it mentally, then you owe it to yourself to go home. A mission is not worth damaging your health. Trust me, I know that's alot easier said than done, but it's necessary if you're really getting depressed. I wish you all the best.

Making the decision of staying or coming home from a mission is not an easy one. The church builds up a lot of pressure to keep you there because they have a lot to lose if you go home. It means that they failed to indoctrinate you into being a life long tithing payer.

They put this pressure on you through guilt. What will others think? How will my parents respond? Everyone will think I've "sinned" in some way.

While you're making this decision, remember who's life you are living. Yours, and yours alone. You can not control how others feel nor how they react. As callous as it may sound, what others think does not matter, your happiness and mental well being matters most.

Think about this as well, your parents and friends will be disappointed if you leave the church, it doesn't matter if you leave now or leave after you get home, if they were going to be disappointed at one point they will be disappointed at the other. So, do you stay on your mission, being depressed every day, or do you go home and start trying to rebuild your life (not to mention saving the money that you would have spend if you had stayed on your mission).

If you do decide to go home, try to have a plan of attack, what will you do next? It helps to have that ready so that you can handle such questions. Where will you live? Will you get a job? will you go to college? etc, try to be ready with those answers.

I also suggest that you look up Raptor Jesus's posts to a recent in the field missionary, he gave quite a bit of good advice, I don't have time to look up the links now, but will later if someone else hasn't.

Good luck to you, you are not alone, others have survived coming home from their mission, if that's what you decide to do, you will too, your life will not be ruined, no matter what the church will try to tell you, it will most likely even be better.

Link 1
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,911994,911994#msg-911994

Link 2
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,912646,912646#msg-912646



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/05/2013 06:10PM by fidget.

You should read up on something called diurnal mood variation. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/19306304/ If you didn't have depression before, your environment may be causing you distress.

Good luck to you, and remember, it's only temporary. You won't be on your mission forever.

I just came home early three months ago. If you want, you should be able to go home very soon. I stayed around for a whole month because I didn't stick to my guns. If you want to go home, they will might tell you that you need to talk to an Area 70 first. That is wrong. Just push and push and push. Tell your mission president you want the next plane out. He has the authority to get you on that plane NO LATER THAN TOMORROW IF YOU CHOOSE. Stand up for yourself. Do not let them push you around as they try to poke you until they find the one thing that will get you to stay (guilt tripping, etc).

Most importantly, they will try to stall. Tell them that you want tomorrow's plane home, not next week's plane. Do not allow the mission president to get off the phone without saying to you that he will IMMEDIATELY PURCHASE YOUR TICKET and make arrangements for you.

If you do not stick to your guns, you will become even more depressed, angry, and hopeless like I did. Stand up for yourself, and know that YOU HAVE RIGHTS. YOU ARE A VOLUNTEER. You are NOT bound by contract. You can leave whenever you damn well please!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/05/2013 07:01PM by earlyrm.

Lord.raptor.isgod@gmail.com

You do not deserve another year and a half of depression.
Keep your spirits up. Allowing yourself to accept truth when it comes up is freeing in the end--after the initial shock. Trust yourself.

It is very daunting to have to deal with the early return. You obviously know how traumatic the consequences could be. Just remember, your church and your parents put you in this position, not you yourself. You were groomed for a mission from childhood most likely. You were made to feel you had no real choice.

You are not the problem. And truth is not the problem. It is okay to get rid of the real problem.

And remember, in five years time or less, this will just be an amusing story to tell friends, your new real friends.

Good luck.

You made a mistake by going, as you now realize.
But you can rectify that.

Nothing is preventing you from getting on a bus or a plane and leaving.
You have a right to do that as a volunteer and as an American, you know.

Get yourself home in time to start college in the fall.

Your folks can say you had "medical problems".

As long as we have your attention can you tell us what your perspective is on the lowered ages? How are eighteen year old missionaries being treated? How is it working out? How are nineteen year old girls doing with their missions?

As for your situation make sure that what you do is what YOU want to do. You are under no obligation to stay. Like others have said, your family will be disappointed no matter when you leave the church. If now is the time then strike while the iron is hot. Do realise though, that now may be the time to take care of yourself, be prepared to have to totally support yourself.

The story of one of 'my' missionaries seems to be the same as yours. Unfortunately, he seems stuck with an Uber-TBM companion who will rat him out if he even attempts to get help, and he does fear some sort of retribution. Just know, there are a lot of people who are willing to help.

You are among friends. Whatever you decide, we will support you.

Keep learning more about the church. There is a lot that you were never told. The Mormon Think site is a tremendous resource for learning the true history of the church.

http://www.mormonthink.com/

You have a lot of (cultural, familial) reasons to stay, and many reasons not to stay. We are talking two years of your life, and a critical stage of your life at that. This is time that you could be using for education, training, adventures, or employment.

Keep in mind that disappointing your parents is a critically important path to adulthood. It's a rare child who does not disappoint his or her parents in one way or another.

Your parents did not make clones of themselves. They gave birth to a unique individual. Somewhere in your past your ancestors made the decision to join the Mormon church. But even deeper in your past, you had ancestors that got along just fine without Mormonism. This is your life. Not your parent's life. YOUR life. They got to choose, and so do you. Choose wisely.

Keep posting. We care about you. We want you to be happy.

Especially this:


"Keep in mind that disappointing your parents is a critically important path to adulthood. It's a rare child who does not disappoint his or her parents in one way or another."

I'll give a concrete example.

My nephew dropped out of college just three credits short of graduation. OUCH. In my family, this just doesn't happen. Plus, he chose not to pursue a profession. He went into the restaurant business. His parents, who initially figured they had a future lawyer on their hands, were left scratching their heads. What on Earth happened to all of their well-laid plans for him?

But food is my nephew's passion. He now has a stellar resume working for some renouned chefs. He is currently a sous chef at a Michelin three-star, a restaurant that is on one reviewers list of the world's fifty best restaurants.

He followed his own star, and is doing just fine. Plus, we all eat really well now. :-) We eat his food, my niece's fabulous desserts (she followed her brother into the business, and is now a pastry chef.) The result? Our entire family became foodies. What initially was certainly a disappointment to his parents is now a tremendous source of pride and enjoyment to them.

1. New Viewpoint: I'm happy for you that you found this site and others that can help you to see things the way they really are. It doesn't have to precipitate a crisis. Try to frame it as you just finding out there's a different way to look at things. You can weigh up both ways and see what you think about things then.

2. Be Net Safe: (a) Be safe as you post - it's hard to find private time on a mission, as we all know - and yes, they are watching you! (2) Be safe in the information you post re any identifying info - it's not hard for the COB to figure out where you are and then to narrow it down to who you are (I don't mean to scare you but that's the reality of the situation). Also be safe in any help you accept. Try not to do anything impulsively so that you are left with few options, which could make you more vulnerable than you already are. Be aware that on this site, and others, and out in the real world, people prey on anyone they see as being vulnerable. Inform yourself. Make rational decisions. Always think safety first.

3. Trustworthy Help: Consider going through this site's Admin (Sus I/S - email: exmolight@gmail.com) if you want to contact another poster or accept their help. Sus can offer guidance in many ways. She can be an intermediary between you and other posters so you don't have to disclose any personal info. She has been here for many years and is absolutely trusted by Eric, this board's founder, and by many posters she has helped through the years.

4. Depression: You say you feel depressed and it's worse in the mornings. That is a common experience with depression - it's so hard to get going in the mornings. I think (although I'm not an expert on it) that it might not be a bad idea to tell your MP how you're feeling. An adult, in authority, is under some obligation to safeguard your mental and physical health. He will not be likely to suggest you go home because of it. In fact, he will much more likely try and convince you to stay. But at least he can't say he wasn't informed.

Actually, re-reading your post, it sounds as if you've already told him. If so, you've done the right thing. He's the one who isn't doing the right thing, by trying to convince you to tough it out. That just shows how little he understands depression. People who don't understand what it's like think a "rational" approach will solve it - just get up and go, they say - when what you're trying to say is that you can't get up. It doesn't have to make sense, it's just how it is. They don't get that.

I saw a situation of domestic abuse between missionaries when I was a new member. The abused companion kept saying it was all her fault (unfortunately, a common "victim" idea) and the MP kept saying there was nothing wrong and, in particular, that the abuser was "a great missionary" and to make his point, he actually kept the abused missionary together with her abuser companion for another month past transfer after I had reported the situation. The abused missionary suffered another month of emotional and even physical abuse and then the abuser went on to abuse all of her subsequent companions until mercifully it was finally time for her to return home. This MP gave the same spiel as yours - the refiner's fire idea, as if that's any excuse for leaving someone in an impossible situation.

I'm a great believer in crying uncle when you can't take it any more - and preferably before you reach that point. Who says you have to just lie there and let the bullies kick you to death? No! Fight back! And that fighting back should take any form it can to help protect your mind and body, your health and sanity.

There are many stories on this site and others of the lasting ill-effects of missions - that not only can it be two years of hell for a missionary but the bad effects can also impact their future for many years. Many posters here have shared their sad tales of lingering bad health from experiences they had on their missions, often preventable if not for the lack of timely medical care or even simple hygiene.

So I'd say: Cry Uncle! Take charge. Think of your own present well-being and future health. At the least, ask for some sick time (the abused missionary referred to above at least got a week in the mission home after my report and it did help her somewhat) or better yet, state (not ask) what you need. I think that if you state it rather than ask it you may be taken more seriously. Tell your parents. They too should be informed. You may really need a medical discharge, either temporary or permanent, so you can go home and seek proper medical assessment and treatment if required. If you take the small steps, such as stating that it's temporary but that you need this help, that could soften the blow to MP and parents.

You may find something that helps you feel better from the depression point of view, but you may still feel disturbed about what you're learning about your church and how it makes you feel (not helpful for depression, for certain). This may (understandably) lead to you still wanting to go home early. Most of us here know how devastating that can be to family and friends. The best advice I have read here is that it's your life and you're in charge of it, even at this stage and age. Don't stay out for two years working for something you're not comfortable with or worse, don't believe in. It's just a total waste of two years of your life at that point. It's a wonder that every single missionary isn't depressed. I'd guess that 90% of them don't want to be there. That's the worst thing about missions, in my view - there's so much lying going on - lying to leaders, lying to each other, lying to investigators and members - about all kinds of things. There is not a lot of straightforwardness on a mission, I have found.

Many have posted that leaving their mission - or leaving the church - almost instantly "cured" their feelings of depression. I am in this group - as a convert I felt depressed nearly from day 1. I even ended up seeing the church psych. Then one day it finally occurred to me to ask myself why I was attending a church that made me feel depressed. It turned out to be the key question for me. I never went back and started feeling a lot better right away.

Think now of what YOU want the rest of your life to be like and then right away start mapping out how to achieve it. Don't waste two years on something you don't believe in, if you don't, that won't get you where you want to go. Whatever the reactions are of other people, even parents, is up to them and are not your responsibility. If this means that you state you need temporary reprieve (go to sick bay) or short term release from the mission (go home to get medical help) or whether you outright state you're done with the mission, just make sure that you get what you need to find safe passage home, or wherever you want to go,and that you have some means of support once you arrive. I think being straightforward, rather than constantly having to pretend and even lie, will help your mental health right there.

It's a lot to think about all at once. Take it as slowly as you need to. But make your health a top priority. Maybe the message of that "refiner's fire" is that you're in the wrong place and need to change direction. The MP cannot interpret the universe for you. That's up to each of us to do for ourselves.

5. Stick around RfM: Try and read more here to find support and gain confidence and get ideas for how to cope and where to go from here (maybe literally!) It would be great to see more posts from you to know how you're doing. I hope that nobody in your life (like MP, fellow mishies, members, parents, etc) tries to warn you off getting a well-rounded view of the world and all its knowledge and cultures and diversities. Don't operate from fear but rather with strength of mind and body. Do whatever you need to achieve those goals - whatever will help to optimize both physical and mental health. That's the least you need in order to meet life's many challenges, now and in the future.

Remember - be safe - contact Sus I/S (Admin) for help and safety - and know that many here are on your side, hoping for all the best for you.

Please post again if you can and at least let us know how you're feeling or what's up at your end. Feel better! Be healthy! All the best to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/05/2013 07:34PM by Nightingale.

The refiners fire is still fire.

It is supposed to be voluntary that you choose to be refined. When you are through volunteering is when your free term of service is ended. Otherwise it is kidnapping or indentured servitude, both of which are illegal.

Hope you are in the U.S. so getting your passport is not an issue.

I am in California and if you are in the Bay Area, you are welcome here for respite (Piedmont area). I agree with the poster--every one of us had to disappoint parents. I'm a writer. My mother only considered accounting to be a legitimate job. Go figure.


Anagrammy

As someone posted above who has recently come home early said, they will try and stall and manipulate your feelings.

1. They will tell you are a dissapointment to your family.
2. That if you quit now, you will quit at everything in life.
3. No LDS girl will ever have anything to do with you.
4. You are committing a sin even worse the murder.

It's all meant to wear you down and destroy your resolve, none of it is true. It's your life and you are wasting it on teaching nonsense. Stand up for yourself and demand to be given a ticket home. If they won't give you a ticket contact local law enforcemement, or at least tell them that is your plan.

When you get home do not talk to the bishop or stake president in private, tell them you need some personal time with your family and forget the enormously painful session they have planned for you. You are only subject to the abuse if you let your self be abused.

Nevermo with a question. If the mission is paid for in advance, does it follow that the return air fare/travel expenses are already paid for?

yes, that was my experience. I told them to do that instead of sending me a bill.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 02:40AM by earlyrm.

you are in for a rough road, either way.

if you stay, you'll be miserable, every moment of every singleday.

if you eject, you will be a pariah for as long as you remain in a LDS community/ward/family.

I truly believe in having true authenticity in every moment of Life. Take the proverbial 'road less traveled' and grasp the moments that you have now. And, if you can not yet appreciate the irony of my next statement, you soon will...No one said it would be easy, they only said it would be worth it.

Your mission is insulting your intelligence and now the decision to go and complete is causing depression...

It is no time to "stick it out" so to speak. Your sick and it's time to come home and heal.

You will always have our support. You can then plan your future in the real world by looking forward to a good education and employment.

This may not be exact but here is a quote (question for yourself really) that I turned to when making the hard decisions that I made to leave the church behind.


“What would you think of a man who after many days of traveling, realized he was going the wrong direction, who then decided to remain true to his original path and continued along his way?”



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 11:40AM by AmIDarkNow?.

Full disclosure here: I'm a never-Mo (ignorantly married into Mormon family...long story and off the topic). But I have suffered depression and it sucks. Don't let it go untreated...it's just as real an illness as cancer and can be just as deadly.

As for "talk therapy," you've found a good place to vent here...people here really do understand what you're going through...though I recognize you have little private time to come here. There may be other safe venues to talk...again, I realize your circumstances are "constrained."

There's no shame in going to a family practice or general practice doctor...they let you go to the doctor if you are sick, dont' they?...and tell him or her you believe you are clinically depressed. They can prescribe medicine...you don't need a psychiatrist. It can help you get through a rough patch with your sanity intact (you are depressed, but you aren't crazy... not yet, anyway).

You are an adult...and you are a volunteer. Think about that.

If what you believed was wrong, would you want to know? Think about that, too. I know the Mormon Church is false as surely as I know my name. But again, I didn't grow up in it.

As I said, I'm never-Mo, but I have also faced instances where I thought my actions stood to disappoint my family. I decided it was more important to be open and honest and true to myself. It worked out okay in my case. I hope it does for you, too.

Don't know where you are, but plenty of people here would probably open their homes as a temporary refuge (even if only for an afternoon).

Your health (and that means mental, too) comes first.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 11:59AM by stillburned.

You wouldn't believe how many Christians pray every day for people trapped in cults. You are being lifted up in prayer.

While you are making your decision, switch your required reading to the New Testament. The book of Acts is all about missionaries in the early church. Their experiences may give you some comfort and inspiration.

Go to any Christian church for help if you want to call home, arrange for transportation home, etc.

If you are wishy washy about this you will spend the rest of your life second guessing yourself about leaving. Your TBM family and friends will never see you the same again and will turn you into a project. You could spend years with one foot in and the other foot out of Mormonism feeling you're part of neither world.

If you are prepared to meet the challenges of returning home before your two years are up then go for it.

Or you could always stay and make the most out of your situation. If you are in a foreign country you can use that to your advantage. You can try to become a pain in the MP's arse by insisting on doing lots of service instead of trying to convert people.

Good luck!

That's a good point! I never thought about being a service missionary, because my MP never suggested it. If that is an option, I would consider it. However, it is CRITICAL that the MP knows about your depression, so that he will become legally responsible if he does nothing to help heal your sickness.

If you do go home, it may be important for you to immediately attend a college where other students your age will accept you for who you are! I strongly recommend a school where the minority are mormons, so that you will not become victimized.

You must hit the ground running so that you don't stay depressed. I personally believe that activity (physical activity, especially) is a good way to stave off depression, as well as actively making decisions for yourself, rather than letting the ocean push you to and fro.

Ok stop and breathe for a second. Before you make any decision about whether or not you leave your mission early you have to decide if you want to leave the church. If you no longer wish to be Mormon, then you should come home immediately. The problem is, if you decide to stay in the church, leaving early carries a stigma with it that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Your MP is right, no TBM girl will want to marry you. You will disappoint your family. If you are going to be a Mormon, you need to complete your mission. You have time to figure this out before you make such a huge decision to leave. Research, pray, think, talk to people and decide if you are ready to close the door on your LDS belief system. If not, then you must stay. If you are ready to leave the church, don't give them one more day of your service.


My cousin was unhappy on his mission, called his exmormon brother and the brother sent him a plane ticket and some cash. As soon as he got it, he crawled out the bathroom window one night and was on the plane before anyone knew he was gone. It is an awesome story... but you don't have to make as dramatic an exit. Anyway, his mom cried when he came home. His friends were weird. It was rough for a while. And then... he started to live his life authentically and was happy with his decision to leave and doesn't look back.

Suzanne is wrong, you can come home from a mission early and still stay in the church, I did for many, many years, married in the temple, served many church callings. Don't let talk like this influence your decsision. Staying because of these fears will eat at you for a long time. Some people will treat you badly but those who do are not real friends or Christians, most people will treat you well.

You are naïve if you think that coming home early isn't hell on earth for those poor kids. Furthermore "talk like this" is simply trying to get him to really think about his options before he makes a rash decision that will seriously effect his life. Of course we all want him to come home, but only if that is the best course of action for him and if he just found this website he is just starting a very difficult and emotional journey out of the church. It would be natural for him to want to do something drastic, but that might not be what is best for him.

Your life in front of you is long. The stigma of coming home early exists only for a while, and only in the "Mormon world". If you leave that world it will never be an issue. Leave now. Insist that you want to go home NOW. I wasted a whole life in the church, married the wrong person, gave away $186,000 and I am unhappy. Change your course now and never look back. God bless you (or Zeus or nothing at all)..

I served as a missionary for along time in a difficult mission and came home when sick against the wishes of my mission president. I think I have direct experience to offer perspective. The only hell on earth is the hell you let othes create for you. Live by your own rules, be true to what you believe.

A lot of people want to offer adivce based on what they believe a friend or a relative went through. I would suggest that unless you a professional with experience in counseling etc. that you avoid giving advice if you have not served a mission. The most helpful advice these kids will get is by people who have served missions and stayed or who made the decision to come hope against the wishes of their mission presidents.

I think your experience is just as valid as mine. I have acted rashly and regretted it. I have also been happy when I took time to make decisions that were difficult for me. Isn't the whole point of this website to give advice and support to people? I am not an RM and I am not a professional counselor. But I am an exmormon with experience in the culture of the church. I was in a singles ward and I saw how people treated RMs that came home early. I didn't mean to imply that mine was the only legitimate viewpoint... but it IS legitimate even if it is different from yours.

You will probably have bad fall out from friends and family no matter when you leave the church. In the mean time, if it offends your soul/mind/heart to be working to convert people to a religion you don't believe, leaving better may be soon than later. Try couchsurfing.com if you need to take off in a hurry. They are worldwide. You can add me as a friend if you like... beckezmail is my screen name there. It is a free couch crashing network and tend to be good people. They have references you can read too.